Infidelity = LOSS on a massive scale.
When we are unwillingly dumped into the ranks of the betrayed, we lose a lifetime of learning to trust in a micro-minute. We lose the basic feeling of comfort in our home and hearth. We lose faith in the person we should be able to have complete faith in at all times. We lose the ability to imagine any happiness in our future. We lose our normal life and all the security that came with it.
We also may lose ourselves. The most important thing I lost was me. My husband's selfish choices robbed me of my self-esteem and the inner strength I had grown to depend on when times got tough.
I told you I didn't feel like I had much to contribute to a continued discussion on recovery after an affair. I told you a story. You don't have to be an author to tell a story. It's all there for you. Just start typing and the facts of the events fill in the blank page. I'm not a writer. I'm no one's idea of a reliable therapist. I'm not even a strong example of affair recovery. If I'm going to continue to write and any of you find my musings worthy of perusing, I think a decent place to start is to address LOSS because so many of you write to me about it.
Maybe we can share our feelings of LOSS and then offer ideas to how we became FOUND.
Let me start: If I knew then what I know now, even though I loss all trust in my husband, I would have worked much harder to maintain trust in myself. Today, I often preach that we can't control the actions of others. We can only control how we react to them.
If you read any of my story you know I LOST all control over my reactions to anything related to Richard, She who Shall not be Named and the affair. I understand why that happened, but I believe that it won't happen again. (please note: I didn't say will never happen again. Never doesn't live here anymore.) The big difference is I refuse to allow the behavior of anyone else to dictate my life. I make decisions for myself and for the benefit of those I love. I can do that without touring Crazy Town because I have FOUND my inner strength again. I might be tougher than ever.
I know trust is very hard to come by for many of you right now, but please try to trust me on this....you can learn to trust yourself again. As your pain recedes, you will find your inner Princess of Power. Trust her. She has your best interest at heart.
Please comment. Share what you LOST after DDay,
but then try to focus on what you FOUND.