After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Ya Need a Light?

It's been over 4 months since I felt my life contained anything worthy of your time....or mine, for that matter!  Seriously.  It's basic boring bliss around here and I do not mind that a bit, but it sure ain't worth wasting perfectly good idle hours pontificating about my mundane day to day Road to Happy.

So, why am I choosing to type today?
It ain't All About Me!

Probably shocking to those of you that have read my story and believe me to be the ultimate, most narcissistic, control freak of all time.  Sorry but you may have to dial back your strong opinion of me, at least for this one post.
Many days I still hear from readers recently swept into the cyclone that is DDay.
Somehow they reach into cyberspace and grab a handful of Crazy Town and hang on for dear life.
I fear they may find way too much dark here.
I worry that there isn't enough light to guide them.
A reader once referred to me and other betrayed wife bloggers as "Lighthouses".
Way back when I was still writing, still healing, she told me that we helped her find her way through the dark days of her infidelity storm.

I don't feel much like a lighthouse, but I could be a flashlight.

This petitte post is my way of checking the batteries on my flashlight.
I was saved by other betrayed wives that walked their Road to Happy before me.
Pulled from the dark belly of the beast of betrayal by the angels of The Healing Heart.
Now that's a lighthouse!!  The light that shines there is resplendent and brilliant!

My flashlight may be meager in comparison, but the beam is steadfast.
Please use it as needed.

You are NOT Alone.

You can comment here.
You can email me:
or visit the place of my salvation,  The Healing Heart
I still read and comment there frequently.

I'm done telling my story, but I will never be done walking my Road to Happy.
If you wanna walk with me, if you need a friend on your healing journey,
please count me in.  We can share the flashlight.


Lynn Less Pain said...

I have been reading your site for 2 years everyday and all the comments. Thank you for your flashlight it has made me cry, laugh, win and lose all at the same time. If someone would have today me cyber friends would pull me out of crazy town, I would have said yeah right and I can get preg at 60 years old. It is a wonder gift your flashlight. Sometimes the batteries are dim, rattle or shine so bight in to my heart and soul so I can see further down the road or around a curve. Thank you forever.

shawn thewife said...

(((Lynn))) Wow! Thank you for your very kind words.
I hope you are walking solid ground on your Road to Happy.
I also hope you will join the support group on The Healing Heart.
There are a whole lot of flshlights over there!
Something tells me your light shines pretty bright, too.
Share it.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog. It has helped me make sense of how I'm feeling and that I am not crazy. It is early days for me, I discovered my adoring BF has been messaging hookers on backpage and Craigslist during our entire relationship, just three weeks ago I found this (He claims he was doing it for the excitement and had no intention of "follow through" they don't read like that btw they read like "let's meet tonight and fuck" but have to add that one message was sent in the early am, and I was coming over that night so there was no way "tonight" was happening.

This man has treated me with more caring, love and what I thought was open communication than any man ever has. I love him. I believe he loves me. I am all over the map from "we will get through this" to "what the fuck am I thinking giving him another chance?" He is very supportive of helping me heal from this to the point of if we can't resolve it we will go to couples therapy (well duh otherwise why would I bother?) the additional hard part of this is my 25 yr marriage ended due to infidelity and lies, he knows that. Hard to believe he has even done this to me, we were planning our future, set to be engaged and building a beautiful home and future together. I have moments when I am still shell shocked and think I may be being a fool for trying to "forgive" thank you for the warnings about what you see can not be unseen. I saw enough for me to lose it, and confronted him throwing his phone at him , open to the message from "her" then regretted that I did not investigate every damn thing on his phone that I possibly could so that I could "test" his truthfulness. I am still struggling because I feel like the opportunity is lost now and hoping I can overcome the need to even look at it in "suspicion" again.

Hoping to get through.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: There are no easy Roads to Happy.
The beginning of the journey is always brutal. I'm so sorry for your pain.
I can tell you that it is possible to heal your relationship after an affair.
You can have a stronger marriage. Impossible to comprehend, right?
I'm living proof, my friend.

You do not need to heal alone. There are many of us that completely empathize with your struggle.
We are here when you need support.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Hopeful said...

I just recently found your blog. I share many similarities with you unfortunately. One thing that hit me the most is your husband's profession. My husband is a mental health professional who works on a fair number of divorce/child custody cases. He also does some therapy which of course includes individual but marital too. So based on his education, training,what he sees daily I thought he was aware of the destruction his behavior would cause. I now have come to realize I think it made him desensitized to it in addition to his many other excuses. We are working though it all and almost at a year from dday one. Some aspects are better than ever. I am still struggling and stuck. I have a lot of resentment towards him for what he did and the lies after dday one. I also have not been able to forgive him. Because of how he handled dday and the months following I am just not able to believe he has told me the truth. I struggle to forgive and trust someone who is not transparent with me. On some level I think what he is telling me now is what he believes and feels now. I think he had a different perspective during the affair years and even dday. I am not sure where to go with this. It is what is holding me back right now.

I wanted to thank you for your words and tell you that it was nice to relate to someone else's situation. Thank you!

BattyJ said...

I use Healing Heart, I receommend it to every one but it was your blog that kept me out of trouble, kept me from contacting the OW.

It may have started as a healing tool for you but you truly have shown others we are not alone and we ARE normal. You are so much more than a flashlight.

No matter how my road to happy ends I will be forever grateful to you andyour blog and the healing heart xx

Anonymous said...

I guess it's been a year since the actual affair started but I found out June 11, 2015. The OW was my "friend" and neighbor. Her husband was my husband's "best friend". I found out by another friend who had been hearing rumors for weeks and then had heard there was a big fight between my husband and her husband. The boys and I were out of town at the beach when the fight occurred. I guess he was putting two and two together and she finally confessed to her husband. I found out the night before we were to drive home from the beach. Some how I mustered the strength to act normal around my boys but I honestly don't remember driving home 6 hours, alone with my kids. I was so ready to kick him out, get a lawyer and be done. I said things to him I wouldn't have said to my worst enemy. The rage and sadness I experience was like I had experienced the horrible death of a loved one. He just hung his head and cried. I raged and raged all night. I asked every question I could think of. The usual very confident, kindof cocky guy I married was a shell of a man. He never blamed me, he took it all on himself. We are doing well now but I still have awful memories. I can see their house from my back yard. Thank God they moved but it's still a terrible reminder. She actually had the gall to call a month ago - I still can't believe she did it. My husband told me about it though and told her that he loved me and that we are working on our marriage and that she was a mistake. It gave me closure bait because I've been wanting him to say that to her - that he chose me. I'm glad I found this blog! I love the realness of it. There are times when I wished I had marched down there and ripped every hair out of her head but I didn't because of our children and hers. I still think about doing it though;)

Anonymous said...

Just new on this lonely journey.......wondering how I got here.........could use a hand to hold and the warmth of some of your kind light......

shawn thewife said...

I'm very glad you reached out for support. I'm ever so sorry you need it.
Please visit The Healing Heart. There is a link of the bottom of my blog and I'll share it here as well.

It took me a year to find the compassionate, understanding members of that forum.
It was where my healing finally began.
Read, ask questions or vent. You will find hands to hold and very warm light to help you through.
You can also email me anytime.
Take care of you. It does get better. It just takes a long damn time.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the signpost......... I will pick up the pieces of my heart and carry them over there with me.........the sadness and crying inside me need a safe place to be gently laid out ........this road is nowhere just now ........dark, lonely and so naively unexpected
.......blessings to you for sharing the light.....and so my journey begins..........

Anonymous said...

Oh Anonymous, my heart feels for you. I remember the first week after DD, a friend who experienced this told me that nothing will be as bad in 6 months. I remember thinking how anything could ever get better. No matter what road your marriage and recovery takes, it will get better. Take care of yourself. Hugs.


Anonymous said...

Thank you Tangerine.....hugs received with thanks

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn your blog and comments have been so helpful to read about everyone's feelings and experiences. I'm the one with the crazy OW's husband who's been harassing ME like I did something wrong. He's still texting me and harassing me, over a year after D Day. Threatening to "expose" my husband to punish him for sleeping with his wife. They were friends of ours and it sickens me to think of my husband of 18 years having sex with my friend. But im furious that in additon to dealing with my husbands affair I'm also afraid of what this psycho will do. The fear of being exposed has been terrible. He contacts me about once a month. Im sure he's drunk when he does. he'll send upwards of 50 texts + phone calls. Last week he went further than ever before - he posted on a friends public Facebook wall asking "if I was ok".. everyone saw it so then I had to do damage control explaining to everyone some BS lie why he would post that.

He's also showed up at our home, threatened to kill my husband, and told my husband he is going to rape me. Im scared to be home alone. He lives in the same neighborhood. He terrifies me. But I'm alone and have no one to talk to. We've decided not to go to the police because I'm afraid of my kids finding out or that this would set him off even more and he would try to hurt us. I'm scared of him hurting my kids too. I don't know what to do ..

On top of all this I'm struggling with how I feel towards my husband. I'm 10000% sure he is remorseful and wants to rebuild our lives. The problem is I'm not sure I feel the same. I lost a lot of respect for him over this. And I've spent my energies over the last yet dealing with the harassment of the OW's husband- not grieving or rebuilding our relationship.

I have enjoyed coming here to post, it's like a diary- a safe place I can share and no one knows who I am or judges me. Thank you for giving me- for giving all of us- a place to come when we need it.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I am so sorry you are dealing with this adultery aftermath.
I understand you were hoping to keep this trauma private, but it sounds like the OW's husband is living in a very dangerous neighborhood of Crazy Town! He will probably expose you anyway so PLEASE consider filing a restraining order against him. This guy needs a strong warning to make him back off.
He's pissed. I get that. I dumped my misdirected anger all over She who shall not be named and her family for a year!
The restraining order and the compassionate members of the Healing Heart opened my eyes to the error of my Crazy Town ways!

Not sure if you have tried MC (marriage counseling) but maybe that would give you a safe place to discuss you feelings about your WH and how to best move forward.
Come back here anytime you need some support.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

:) thank you! I don't even know you and I feel you're the only one in the whole world who understands me. Taking it day by day. I hadn't thought about ME going to councilling but that might be a good idea.

We've decided if/when the OW husband threatens us again we may have to go to the police. But the whole thing sickens me. My husband is so angry at the OW husband for putting me through hell. I've had to convince my husband that he needs to not confront this man, to let it go.

I know how much my husband loves me and regrets his choices. I find myself assuming this was just one indiscretion I found out about but assume (wrongly perhaps?) there are probably more women I don't know about.
I hope I will love my husband the same again one day. Since D day I've felt distant and indifferent towards the situation. Cold towards it all almost. I'm not even sure I've had a really good cry over it all. I've approached
it professionally but not personally-
like I'm disconnected. This allows me to function in my life and keep it all together. The only real emotion I've felt is terror -
towards the OW husband. His threats are so scary. Last week at 2am he texted me, he said "call me, I'm up waiting for your call...if you dont deal with your husband's shit, it's no secret where you live". I was up all night scared he would show up. The last few months
seems to have changed my feelings towards my husband. I find myself fantasizing about living alone in my own place with my kids. I've been with my husband since I was 19! We were that "it" couple! But now it feels different. We had such a good strong marriage. I miss what we once had.

My most sincere thanks for letting me blabber on :)

shawn thewife said...

No thanks needed. Just paying it forward.
There are lots of people that will understand you and can truly empathize with you on the Healing Heart message boards. Please consider visiting. You can just read, ask questions or blabber on until your typing fingers give out!
It's a safe and anonymous place.
The link is on the bottom of my blog.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the direction to the healing heart but I can't seem to get sends me round in circles which is very frustrating since I don't have much patience these days.....can you help?

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Email me.
I'll give your contact info to one of the board moderators.
I'm sure they will help you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Lori said...

I just finished reading your blog from start to finish. You are an amazingly strong woman. I'm glad it worked out for you and your marriage. Thank you for sharing your journey!

Anonymous said...

My journey has been a long one with many setbacks but I finally feel as though I am in a hopeful place. The affair went on for four years and i found out about it 1 1/2 years in when I saw the texts on his phone. He promised me he would end it and like a fool I believed him. But a year later I discovered one phone number that appeared daily on his text log on the phone bill and figured out who she was. I confronted him and again he said he'd end it. But the affair is a drug and he was addicted so before long they were back in touch by WhatsApp. It goes on - the confrontations, the promises, the "just one more time" meetings. Every time I made a new discovery it was a sucker punch in the gut. I was devastated and furious. Finally he gave me his email password and wrote her a letter in which he ended it for good. Throughout all this we were working on our marriage and he was trying to rebuild the trust. I journaled, I went to individual therapy, we went to couples therapy. I guess the threat of losing him brought me to a new appreciation of him. It's kind of weird - you would think I would be so angry and hurt that appreciating him would be the last thing I'd do. Has anyone else felt that way in the wake of betrayal? I am determined to make our marriage stronger. I imagine many of you reading this might think I'm a fool. But I see this as an opportunity to build a new marriage. I listened to Ester Perel's TED talk on infidelity and she explains that in the wake of an affair you can embark on a new marriage with the same person. It is an opportunity for greater honesty and intimacy. That's what I want. Some of the things he has done that have given me new hope: allowing me to read all his communications, checking in with me often to ask how I'm doing, greater intimacy, planning "dates", writing me emails that delve into the details of everything that has happened, going to couple therapy willingly and fully engaging in the process, telling me how badly he feels that he hurt me and how disappointed he is in himself for the affair, and telling me how much he loves me and how hopeful he is for the future. I am moving forward; we are moving forward together.

Anonymous said...

Well my story is complicated, I'm being married for 3 years and 5 in total, we had a lot of ups and downs, but always work it out, she is an passive aggressive person, before me, she was in a abusive relationship for almost 4 years, and she carry a lot of that to our relationship, i always support her, even when she mis treat me, hit me one, and she verbally offended me, when we married she changed, she was good and loving, but she always had those moments, and I grow tired and start getting insecure and needy, and sometimes aggressive, but i never touched her, and exactly is been 1 month and half, she told me first that she need space, that she doesn't love me anymore, that she feels empty inside and don't want to be in the relationship, that hit me hard and took me a few days to actually get my head clear, but she agreed to stay in the house, but I noticed that she spent hours at the phone, talking with her friend, and even one day we had an argument and she ran from the house for 2 days, the she comes back and she told me that she is with no one, she was in her friend house. But 3 days later I saw her phone and she have her friend name twice, and that rise red flags,!she was having and affair emotional with one of my co worker, my best friend, she is lesbian, and we are in the same platoon, cause I'm in the army. That completely destroyed me, and I snapped and she told me that shw was having feelings towards her, but she don't want to be in a relationship with a women, that she was curious and she had that fantasy since she was a little girl. 2 days later ahe left the house and she went to her grandmother house in florida, and she started a new job 3 weeks ago, she has being going out with her friend, and she erase me from Facebook, change her last name to her single one, and deleted my parents and some oh my photos, but she still have post and photos with me, and we are only talking about financial matters only. Im planing go there by the end of August and file the divorce, my parents told me that wait, but something told me that she is having and afair, I'm being doing limited contact and not beg or asking her for her return. Thanks you for listening, and i will wait for you reply.

Lori said...

I don't know if you're still answering questions, but here goes. Where you able to move past the angry and hurt towards his partners at the law firm? Can you socialize with them now?

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Lori:
I hate to admit it...but the answer is no. Sort of no.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm a little hurt....but mostly I just don't care about them.
I want zero to do with what I call the EX friends.
I found out the hard way that they are RICHARD"S friends. Not mine.

I waste no energy on them at all.
We only socialize with friends of our marriage.

Does that make me bitter? Maybe.
I think it makes me smarter!!
Hope & Hugs,

lori said...

Doesn't sound bitter to me at all. I think it's really important to invest time with people who bring something to your life. Thank you for answering!

Valana Orpen said...

sjoe, I am 36 and my husband turns 50 in November, its being 9 weeks since I found out about his affair. what an insane journey. I totally lost myself, lost my mind, insane stuff I never have done before out of a soft kind soul but boy oh boy did this bring out the ultimate worst in me. today I decided to let go....the affair has no reflection on me as a person. its not my fault if he made a bad decision. its also not my conscious that I have to live with. he needs to live with it and forgive himself. if there is still contact or not, I will not know...but...if he chose that kind of life...then he never deserved me. if you ask me how to deal with an affair...I don't have answers you feel 20 million emotions at once. the shock to anger to tears to stripped of everything....its horrible.

thank you for your blog, I will keep on reading it.

shawn thewife said...

Valana: You are only 9 weeks from DDay?? WOW! You sounds amazingly rational and clear headed for a short-timer. Bravo.
I don't wanna unleash Debbie Downer, and you probably know this already because you sound like a smart cookie...I just don't want you to underestimate the recovery time after affair trauma. My insane behavior lasted over a year!

If you find you need a friend or two or three to offer support on your Road to Happy, please visit the Healing Heart message boards. The link is on the bottom of my homepage.
I wish you all the best and a rapid path to healing.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Unknown said...

I am seven months from DDay. My husband of 39 years ( he is 66 and I am 59) cheated on me for 4 months. He is a doctor and Pork shit ( my nick name for her) was a previous patient. She stalked my husband for years telling many people she would have an affair with him.All the red flags were thrown when the affair started but to be honest he was the last person in the world I thought would have an affair. She is older than me an d np prize by any stretch of the imagination. I finally realized something was desperately wrong with him . He was angry, anxious, depressed and mean. We have six kids and everyone of them picked up on it. Fast forward...... we are doing well, he is doing everything right at this point but getting past this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. I forgive him, I hate her!I would love to confront her in person but she is unstable ( bi-polar) and in reality I don't want her in our life.
It is comforting ( and completely sad) that I'm not alone. There is nothing more devastating than betrayal. Nothing!

Thank you for starting this blog.

shawn thewife said...

You sound like you are doing much better than most only 7 months post DDay.
But Its all relative...better than rock bottom ain't what we shoot for, right? We want Happy!

No one understands the hate for OW better than me. She was poison that ran through my veins for over a year.
I'm very glad you have kept her completely out of your life. Good for you! You can't heal when the OW is still in the picture.

It's never the fault of the affair partner anyway. I maintain ALL the fault lies with the cheating spouse. Not everyone will agree with that, but I can't see it any other way. They chose to cheat. They must do the work to repair the damage.

You are not alone, nor should you be when recovering from affair trauma. Please consdier a visit to the Healing Heart message boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog. It's anonymous. It's full of compassionate folks that have been exactly where you are and they might just help you find the smoothest path on your Road to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Dolly Allen said...

Hi Shawn - I just found your blog - My D-Day was September 19, 2017 but he didn't completely cut all ties until Feb. 10 - I too have begun blogging to help work through things. My husband is an attorney as well. 'the skank' had been after him for years. I know it's HIS fault, HIS decision, but she is not totally without fault. He is a first time offender and in his defense our marriage had been breaking down for a couple of years BUT I maintain he shouldn't have cheated. He claims it was more of an emotional affair and that they never had intercourse although I tend to take that with a grain of salt. This really sucks.

shawn thewife said...

(((Dolly))) It does suck. Really, really sucks but you will be better. You will be stronger. You will heal. Just not for a very long time.
The Road to Happy after an affair is a journey you should not travel alone.
You are so much smarter than I was! You have already reached out to others that have walked the Road before and know many of the hazards. Good for you.
You're gonna need directions. PLEASE consider visiting the Healing Heart message boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog. You will find support, compassion and infinite wisdom regarding all things to come in your recovery path.
You can also email me anytime or post here.
Take good care of you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I found your blog seriously its been a little over a year since DDay for me & I still feel so stuck in my emotions. Right after he told me he was willing to do anything we needed to make it work we tried counseling (two different types) but he is very closed off to emotions or even connecting why things happen & didn't really share anything so it was just more painful bc I was just baring my entire hurt & soul & he just didn't give much back (Im pretty sure it is bc thats not how he is/ deals with things so its not intentional but still not helping me process the situation). Unfortunately one of the people he had an affair with was someone i grew up with (he had no idea bc we live in a different city then where I grew up & he grew up on the other side of the country but me & this girl are not friends but it was just a stupid coincidence) but bc of that the affair was made known to a family friend (who happened to be the girls aunt) & then they were posting stuff online about it & harassing us. So i had to then involve my parents & some family friends to at least tell them to avoid listening to what these people were saying. So i am still feeling the shame & judgement about it bc I feel like everyone knows & I somehow failed (sometimes i even feel weak or stupid for not leaving him bc so many people have said i should). At the time of DDay i was 8 months pregnant during an already high risk pregnancy & I couldn't bring myself to actually leave our house to have space away from him. So I mean we have been trying to work it out & we have our now 1 year old son so I've been trying to work thru it but I feel like I made the commitment to stay in this marriage but I don't know if i can ever let go of the bitterness. I love my husband & I want to move past this but I feel so incredibly crazy bc i don't trust anything now & before I trusted everything! It doesn't help that we are a military family so on top of trying to get a handle on recovering from his affairs we have a 1 year old & have dealt with him getting deployed. I can't seem to mesh together that i love this man so much yet I am not sure if i should stay in this marriage bc my distrust & bitterness is always there even if it is little & not present everyday it comes back up when i think I've moved on. It doesnt seem fair to him either but i want this to work more than anything i can't picture my life without him & i love our little family & the dad he is to our son!