After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

This Blog is for Me

A week ago, Richard calls me at work and says, "I've got some bad news."  Oh, crap.  Now what?  He hasn't been feeling well.  Is he sicker than we thought?
We had a little extended family misunderstanding that blew up recently.  It caused some serious hurt feelings.  Maybe that was what he was talking about.
Our daughter hasn't exactly been highly motivated.  Is she the Turmoil de Jour?
I guessed each of these as the potential bad news issues.  Not sure why he had me guessing.  He should have just called me and said, "Jaymie found your blog."

Was I shocked?  No.  How tough could it be?  I sure wasn't hiding our names or our faces. I want people to read this blog, the more the better.  I thought if I put our real names and photos out there, it added to the credibility of what I write.  I am more than willing to open up the most private wounds in my marriage for two main reasons.
1.  Putting all my pain on digital paper helps me move forward.  Type it, read it, analyze it, if I must, and then never dwell on it again.  Each harsh memory can be filed away in cyber-space and allow my brain to open up the emptied out area for new, happy memories.
2.  This is not so much a goal, but more of a hope.  It would mean so much to think that someone might find my blog and read a post that speaks to their pain.  Help a betrayed spouse understand the roller coaster and teach them how to fasten their seat belt for the ride.
Those are the MAIN two reasons for writing this blog.  But, if I'm being truthful, and that is what I crave in my life, the fact that Jaymie found this blog did not break my heart.

Did she read it?  No clue.  If she did, I bet she didn't like what she read.  It couldn't be easy to absorb how her actions almost ruined a life and a family.  I have only written pure truth.  No embellishment, no exaggeration and definitely no lies.  I've barely scratched the surface of the beast.  I'm still writing about the first couple of weeks on the coaster.  I think the first dozen posts set the tone efficiently, so if she did read any of it, she should understand the depth of my anguish,  if not the difficulty of my struggle.

Richard tells me that Jaymie called the attorney who helped me when she filed a restraining order against me soon after I started this blog and found the HH support group.  He said she was hysterical.  Screaming and crying.  Saying things like, "She can't do this!"  Why in the hell not?
I sure can do this and I'm not gonna stop.  This blog is for ME.  Her opinion of how I work to regenerate my soul is of no concern to me, as you can well imagine.

This new piece of drama in my life, already laden with histrionic issues, hardly made a blip on my "Do I give a Shit?" radar.  Could she call me out for violating the restraining order?  Nope.  Did I contact her directly?  Nope.  Did I use a third party to contact her?  Hell, nope.  This blog is restraining order proof.  My only concern was that she would try to find a way to take it down.  So, I beat her to the punch.  I shut it down.

Temporarily, I shifted the blog to private status.  As much as I hate to admit it, because I really want to be selfish about this blog, it is so personally mine, it is Richard's story, too.  After Jaymie found it and the attorney read it , Richard thought it was time he read it.  He has always known I was writing it.  I've showed it to him, with the picture of us celebrating his 60th at Pebble Beach, smiling on the right side of the page above Jaymie's grinning mug shot.  His only comment was, "Looks like you have the page set up really well.  I like the layout."  As far as I know, until Jaymie found my posts a week ago, Richard never read any of it.

He knew how much writing this was helping me...IS helping me.  I thought he didn't care that his name and face were public domain.  Wrong.  He cared A LOT.  He just cared more that I find peace.  He cared more that this could help us find our way back to each other.  I love him SO much for that.  He has given me everything I have asked for to help me heal.  My attorney was not feeling as generous as my husband.  He was shocked that I would risk Richard's reputation.  Richard listened to him plead his "rational" lawyer case and then he read my blog, all of it.

When he finished it, the first thing he told me was that he never knew I was such a gifted writer.  Huh?  I've haven't written more than an email in years.  Never even had a diary before.  Maybe he was just trying to make me feel good about myself before he told me the blog had to come down.  I waited for that wrecking ball to drop, but it didn't.  He only said, "You need to think about how this could effect my ability to do my job.  My reputation is all I have.  That pays our mortgage."  Then he told me that he never would have been able to write about the past year in as real a way as I was doing.  He was glad he read the blog.  He wasn't sure he learned anything new, except he felt something very strongly.  He felt the devastation I experienced when reading the emails he sent to Jaymie professing his love for her.  He felt it acutely.  Chalk up another solid reason for continuing to write.

The blog has been down for a week while I contemplated Richard's request for greater privacy. Today the coaster is heading up an incline so my decision for now is, no photos, no last names. I don't need those to purge poison and write from my heart.  I have to keep blogging, trying to describe the consequences of my husband's affair as clearly as I am able.  I'll continue to be honest to the core and strive to include as much detail as I can remember.  Might be boring.  I'm no writer.  I'm just a betrayed spouse.


Erica said...

You ARE a great writer in that you've eloquently captured the pain, horror, shock, disgust, mind-numbing qualities of finding out about an affair. I know those feelings well - I'm about 14 months from D-Day (I know the exact date because it was 7 days before giving birth to our first children, boy/girl twins). What a time in my life, but I won't digress. Please keep writing. I'm glad it's helpful for you, but it's also so helpful for others of us in the same sad (but hopefully triumphant someday!) boat.

shawn, the wife said...

I can't tell you how much I wish you weren't set adrift in this f**king boat of betrayal! And, right before the birth of your children??!!
You must be a very strong woman. Your WH failed you when you needed him the most. All betrayal is horrendous, but yours seems especially heinous because of the timing.
If my blog is helping you at all, I'm very thankful. That's a silver lining in my rocky journey back to happy.

If you need to vent, rant or just want to be surrounded by people that truly get it...go to the Healing Heart Forum. It was the people on that board and this blog that set my sails in the right direction to heal.
Hope & Hugs,

liveandlearn47 said...

Amazing posted on my 2 year d-day anniversary message yesterday (05/19/2012) so I came to read your blog.

Your words speak the truth of all that I experienced. I know the power in writing these things out. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My husbands OW (if she searched the betrayed boards) could easily have identified herself in my writing online. Sometimes I wished she did find it so that she could truly understand the depth of what her actions caused to me and my children and so she could be a fly on the wall of our bedroom as I had become on her time with my husband (My husband was totally transparent so that we were able to remove all intimacy from the relationship that he had) I knew having consulted my attorney that I was free to write and even include the name of the OW if I so wanted to - but I didn't feel the need. It was cathartic for me to just write the details out in full - and after all during that time I was fighting daily for my own peace of mind and survival.

I came to understand that all my writing was for me.. about me... and for the others who had experienced the horrendous pain of betrayal. In the end none of it was really even about the OW. She was a symptom of my husbands emptiness. I came to learn if it hadn't been her - it would have been another person. She wasn't special or unique - she was just the woman who came along and was willing to participate in the destruction of a marriage. This helped me heal. It took the power and passion out of what I viewed as the affair. I came to find out that I too could hole up in a hotel room and screw my head off like a teenager. Hyper bonding showed this clearly to me - it brought me back to the early years of my relationship with my H - the coming together passionately - the feeling like I couldn't get enough of him - the breathing in of his being. 25 years ago we had lived this - and hyper bonding brought it back to us again.

Your writing is powerful and real. It hits me in the gut because I have lived it. Thanks for posting on my comment yesterday thereby bringing me to your amazing blog.

shawn, the wife said...

L & L: Your post on the SI boards was inspiring. I gotta share that post on this blog soon. It offers hope through truth! Loved it!

I learn a little more about the path to healing (I call it my road to happy) from people like you everyday. Thank God for the World Wide Web! Beats the hell out outta any IC I've been to in the past year!

Please stick around. You are the success story most of us crave! Share the wisdom!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Sarah Jang said...

It offers hope through truth! Loved it!

Cheaters Girls