After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Trust Forever Lost. WHY?

It felt as though as I was watching my life from outside my body.  My brain was imploding with volcanic anger and relentless sadness.  I was obsessed by questions so rampant I could think of little else. I did retain a small part of grey matter in there that was humming along, planning what I would do next.  Gotta have a plan.  It's my job to fix the mess.  If I don't do it, who will?   I could handle that teensy function of my cerebral activity.  The rest of the psychological meltdown was completely foreign to me.

I was puppet-like.  Somebody else was pulling my strings.  I couldn't have been running my own life.  I hadn't the foggiest notion of how in the hell I was able to get up, have sex, get dressed, get the kids to school and then head to work. My time was completely taken up by thoughts of Richard doing Jaymie on the floor of his office.  How could I find time to go to the grocery store and cook dinner? My imagination was sucking the life outta me.  But, on I went, hour by hour, day by day, I took tiny steps toward normality.  Not truly believing, but going through the motions as if, with the Lovely Dr. K as our head coach, our new found fervent love for each other would save our marriage in no time at all!

Body and mind were not a cohesive unit!  Are you getting that disconnect?  How do I explain Post Traumatic Stress?  My mind could not absorb something it was so unprepared for.  How can you comprehend something that your mind NEVER even considered possible previously?  I was the most trusting wife on the planet!  I never questioned where Richard was or who he was with or what time he'd be coming home.  He works with all women on his staff.  I used to call them his harem.  He works for women in crisis, in the middle of divorce or child custody battles.  He is their knight.  Not once, in 30 years, did I contemplate he would cross over to the dark side.

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't had so much faith in the character of my husband, would I have suffered quite so much?  If the thought of him commiting this crime against our marriage had been considered before, I might have enjoyed a softer landing than the drop off a cliff I had endured.  I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again, not with the unconditional confidence I had in Richard.  He always loved that about me.  He would brag to friends how I never whined about him going out, even to strip clubs.  I knew he'd come home.  I knew he loved me, so why be jealous??  My response to my friends that questioned my certainty in the faithfulness of my man, "If he cheats on me, he doesn't really love me.  So, why in the hell would I want him anyway?"  I was as serious as a heart attack, but now we know....Such bombastic rhetoric!  Total horse-pucky!  The loss of trust feels like a very important part of me, the me I was most proud of, will be dormant forever, if not Dead on Arrival.

Meetings with Dr. K were becoming less frequent and, I thought, less productive.  How long can you kick the same damn dead horse?  After a month, that stinky thing needs to be six feet under!  I thought a month was plenty-o-time to figure out WHY, in the name of the Good Lord, my husband decided to bang a co-ed.
I had been asking the same question for weeks, "WHY?"  I think Richard tried to answer, but he didn't try very hard.  He didn't strain himself looking into WHY he was a cheating, lying, selfish bastard.  The reasons he attempted to relate were so insignificant.  So irrelevant.  He felt like he loved me more than I loved him.  He didn't think I'd ever find out, so it wouldn't matter.  And, as I've mentioned before, he felt he deserved it.

I was over it.  Time to shake it off.  WHY keep asking the same thing over and over at $140 an hour!?  I secretly hoped there would be an answer to WHY, some miracle phrase or idea that would help me find some measure of closure.  Richard still went to see Dr. K.  She wanted him to focus on WHY he did what he did, so he'd never do it again.  I surely appreciated her forethought in that regard.

Truth is, I didn't know the truth yet.  I wasn't anywhere near done.  The coaster was just getting refueled and the wheels had been greased but good.  You've probably heard the saying, "God only gives you what you can handle."  When I learned the truth, I thought He had mistaken me for someone MUCH stronger.


Kari said...

Shawn, I came across your blog yesterday and began reading it from the start, still making my way through. Just wanted to say that I loved the line about God not giving us too much to handle. I sure felt (and to some degree still do) that He must have mistaken me for a much stronger person! I totally relate! I am 6 months post DDay. Still trying to find strength in myself many days, but I'm getting there. We are working hard to repair what was broken, but it is SO hard, as you know!

shawn thewife said...

Hi, Kari: Sorry you can relate to any of this! But, I'm glad to hear you are on your road to happy. 6 months out can still be very rocky, not at all easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy, right?

2 years post DDay and I've come to believe God knew what He was doing with me. For while, it was touch and go. We still have issues, but we are so much better at dealing with them now. Communication is key.

If you need some support on your road, come here anytime. The road is easier when you don't have to navigate it alone.
Hope & hugs, Shawn

Kari said...

Thanks so much Shawn! I've found a lot of comfort in your blog. I'm back again today, picking up where I left off last week!

You are right, 6 months in and there are some days where I just want to throw in the towel. Sometimes I think it would be easiser to just give up, but I know that's not what I really want, that's not what my husband really wants, and I tend to think that maybe there is a stronger marriage on the other side of all this crap!

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Kari: You write that you KNOW that's not what you really want...BRAVO, Girl!! I didn't KNOW squat for a year!
My therapist & Richard drilled this into my head constantly....We have too much invested in this marriage. You don't just throw away 30 years.
I got that. I've spent well over half of my life being married to this man, but I still could've bailed on it all if he hadn't worked so damn hard to get me to stay.
This was our chance to build a better marriage.
I wouldn't call it a "silver lining" to adultery, but I am grateful we've come so far.
Stronger, happier marriages. I hope that for all my readers!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Kari said...

Aw, thanks. Yes, I suppose that is a big step that I KNOW what I want. I want my husband. It's just so scary to think that he could potentially do this to me again down the line. We've only been married for three years, but together for 10 (since we were 18). We have an 11 month old (his affair started when she was just 8 weeks old), so I feel like not only am I fighting for this marriage for myself, but for my baby girl as well. Right now I just struggle so much with fear for the future--fear that he is capable of doing this and may do it again (even though he says he won't). I just have to remind myself that I can't control his actions. If he does it again, I'll know I did everything in my power to save this marriage and I deserve better. Amazing what a bit of IC and MC can do! I just need to remind myself of those things on a continual basis. I seem to get lost in my thoughts a lot these days and feel hopeless at times. Hugs back to you as well!

Anonymous said...

I was absolutely certain that my husband would NEVER, EVER, EVER cheat or be that morally dishonest., a white lie? sure, "No, honey that doesn't make your butt look big".... but to commit adultery?? NEVER, I even said to a close friend once, "He could be guaranteed by God himself not to be caught, in a room with his most perfect woman, naked and climbing on his lap begging for it, and he would NOT cheat on me. He's too moralistic and righteous for that".... bhaaaa, hahhaaaaa what an ass I am. (was)
I agree with your assessment, I would've had an easier time of it, had I not thought the world of him and his character.
Formerly, Brokenonce

Dkms15 said...

I've just recently found this blog and I'm reading it in order - hoping for a happy ending, I guess. I appreciate the strong writing and I'm completely stunned by the similarities to my story. I NEVER thought my husband would betray me. Like Shawn, I took pride in the fact that my husband (also a family law attorney) didn't have to check in with me before a night out with the boys. I was confident enough that he could go to a strip club or watch porn without me getting jealous. He would never be so shallow, so tacky to cheat on me with some bimbo.... Yeah, I was right; he chose his partner in his law practice. Not significantly younger, not significantly thinner, not prettier, not smarter...

Two years later, I am still vaguely off balance by this. Still crying when I think of all the signs I missed. Still greiving over the loss of the marriage I thought we had.

Anonymous said...

I am now reading your story from the beginning and can so relate to it. I also feel like such a fool. Five months into this-I never dreamed Imy husband would do this to me. We had this fairy tale like romance the first few years we dated in college. The quality I admired most in my husband? His blunt honesty and kindness and loyalty. I thought, what an amazing man I had- so unlike my father who cheated on my mother when I was young and then again when I was 35, and who knows how many times in between. My poor mother. Who I thought was just crazy to "keep going on about how untrustworthy men are". I understand her pain now-more than I ever wanted to. He'll, it was my "sweet, loyal" husband who held my rocking, screaming,sobbing mother when she found out my dad had left her for a woman my age. I guess that's why I thought my husband would never do this to me. He had seen and experienced all the pain my mother and our family had. What did I know? He was enthralled with porn and chatting up and exchanging videos and pictures with other women during that time period. Yuck! The whole idea of that repulses me. I was so trusting and so nieve.