After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

No Emails for Me! Damn it!

I left the Barona Casino & Hotel and headed home.  The past two days spent there in solitude didn't really do much for me.  Shocker!  In retrospect, I think we can all see, spending two nights at the place Richard spent numerous afternoons naked with Jaymie probably (Probably?? LOL!) wasn't a constructive use of my time.  I had hoped a weekend sabbatical would lower my level of rage or at the very least, clear my head so I could control the intense anger.
Once again...that didn't work out for me.  Damn it!

Nothing was working for me.  What I needed to do was admit how badly I had been hurt. Face the level of despair I felt.  Deal with the agony I had been trying so hard to ignore.   Nope.  I wasn't strong enough for that.
Instead, to avoid the debilitating sorrow, I hyper focused on the emails.  That meant moving forward was not an option.  I was stuck.  The emails were like a big, brick barricade and my only way through it was Jaymie.  She was the key to the lock on any chance of me getting through the brick wall.  In my intensely confused mind, the emails were essential to my recovery.  No one was gonna tell me different! I thought if only I could figure out WHY Richard cheated, WHAT Jaymie had that I lacked and HOW I missed all the red flags, I could maneuver through the massive marital maze, knock down the brick barricade and come up smelling like a rose on the other side, finally on the Road to Happy.
The map to begin that ill conceived journey was contained in the emails and to get to those, I had to get to Jaymie.

My first desperate idea was to sue Jaymie for Alienation of Affections.  For those of you that don't know what that means....Alienation of Affections is a tort, a legal civil action, brought by a spouse against a third party alleged to be responsible for the failure of the marriage.  It's usually a betrayed spouse suing the affair partner.
How's that for thinking out of the box/padded cell?
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Richard informed me that here in Californication, the court no longer recognizes this archaic law.  Damn it again!   Back to drawing board.
BTW, in case you're considering acting out irrationally after betrayal...states that still allow for this legal action are Hawaii, Illinois, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota and Utah.
Not encouraging you, just sayin...

When the legal system failed me, I went back to trying to contact Jaymie directly.  At first, I sent her pictures of all of us since DDay.  Richard, me and the kiddos skiing, at Sea World, in front of our Christmas tree, all smiling and looking happy as pigs in shit.  I was good at pretending. Reminded her that Richard had told her lies upon lies just to get her naked!!  Shredding her ability to trust her own judgement. That was called justice!
I thought for sure I could get her pissed enough at Richard to help me. guessed it...Damn it, again!
No emails for me!

My emails to Jaymie began to take on a more vindictive tone, referring to Richard as her "Cash Cow".  Asking if she was busy milking a fresh married man.  Truly traveling the lowest of low roads trying to get her angry enough to send me the emails just to get me to go away.   Being ignored did nothing to improve my mood!
Damn it, again!!  So frustrating, annoying and completely unsatisfying!!  No emails for me!

I had to know (Correction... I THOUGHT I had to know) if she was reading any of the email.  If the address I had for her was still up and running.   I got smart (No.  Not smart.  Increasingly dumb.) and sent an email to her from Richard's email address.  I copied an old email he had sent her before the affair began that I could still access referring to a happy hour she shared with him and the other office staff.
The email to her, written as if sent by Richard said, "Remembering this day.  It was good.  So was most of the time I spent with you."
Her response, "Have the decency to leave me the fuck alone."  Yippee!  That was all I needed!

Now that I knew she was getting the email, I doubled my efforts.  I decided manipulating her wasn't the best approach.  I was upping the ante.  Coercion seemed like the way to go.
The lovely Dr. K kept telling me, I needed to focus on healing at home.
Why didn't I listen more in counseling???  Damn IT!


shawn thewife said...

I gotta add something...When I sent Jaymie the email from Richard's computer and got back the "Fuck Off" response, I really missed a pivotal opportunity.
If any of you are being sucked into the black hole of OW obsession, try really hard not to miss the chance to escape the demon vortex!
Jaymie told him (or me, really!) to "Fuck Off"! She was out of our lives! What good can come from dragging her ass back in??
My belated point...the only reason to continue to care about the OW AT ALL is to be 100% sure she is a goner, no contact, complete history. Once that is accomplished to your satisfaction....then you can let her go. You gotta let her go. If you don't, she'll become a cancer that eats away your life.
Get her gone...let her go.
That's it.
Just needed to put it out there.

Oh...and BTW...had to put the "Awaiting Moderation" thingy on my comments. Sorry. I have been very liberal and I left this blog WIDE open.
That's gotta stop cause there are some real freak shows out there!
Hope you still keep commenting!
I love hearing from you!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Erica said...

Hi Shawn - I'm 2 years post DDay & thought I was well past thinking about the OW. Due to a couple of intense triggers in a row (lucky me) I'm now thinking about her again. One of the things I intensely wanted post- DDay was for my H to write her a letter telling her exactly what she meant to him - nothing. He used her to get a cheap thrill, didn't care about her, wasn't attracted to her. She was just a convenient f--k. My H refused to do this, not because he didn't want to help me heal but because he had firmly set up no contact with her, wouldn't reply to her emails or voice mails, and he felt that this letter to her would ignite contact again (duh) and, perhaps more importantly, would indicate to her sicko self that she was on his mind. I reluctantly agreed and just wanted her out of our lives.
Now, 2 years later, I'm obsessed again with this imaginary letter I want my H to send to her. I know it's a bad idea, but I think some of my pain stems from the feeling that there's a psycho out there in this world that thinks my H wanted her badly, so badly that he was willing to risk his marriage to be with her. And that he liked, no loved, the s-x with her. These thoughts eat at me, wake me up in the middle of the night, distract me when I should be working (like now!), and cause me all-around general pain. I imagine you'll agree with my H - no good can come of this letter - but curious to hear your thoughts.

shawn thewife said...

Erica: I'm not gonna tell you anything you don't already know...ANY contact with the OW is nothing but useless.

I'm just gonna ask you this... IF you decided to send the letter, or IF you got your WH to send it...what would you gain? I can see how it would be symbolic, staking your claim, taking back your man, making OW feel like the two bit sleaze bag that she is, but you'll never know what she thinks about it. You'll never know if she reads it. There will be no satisfaction. Worse case scenario is she decides to show up and challenge you & your WH! Nobody needs that!

I met with Richard and Jaymie about a week after DDay to get Richard to tell her exactly what you want your letter to say. So stupid! She didn't care that Richard told her he never loved her. She knew it was a lie. Later, he admitted to me it was a lie. He did love her...OR THOUGHT he did. That was another blow to my heart that I truly didn't need!
If I had let her go, right from the start, she would have felt abandoned by Richard and left to wonder what the hell happened. She would have just faded into oblivion. That, my friend, is why I preach to the choir and anybody else that will listen...LET THE BITCH WHORE GO!
You have your remorseful husband back. He wants you. I'd bet she knows what an idiot she was and that your WH used her BIG time! But, truly...who gives a shit what she thinks, as long as she is out of your life!
Keep fighting her off. You can do it. Use the mantra:
I don't need to think about this now. It will not help me to think about this now. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT THIS NOW!
Beat her off with a big ass mental stick!!
You know she ain't worth another millisecond of your time.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Erica said...

Thanks. I know, I know, I know. This oh-so-lovely post-A process has been one of intense self-exploration. I have come to realize that I really care what others think about me - not in a keep-up-with-the-Joneses kind of way, but in a first-born-I-want-to-please-others kind of way. I want people to like me and it drives me bonkers when it seems people don't. In other words, I may seem extremely carefree on the outside but deep down I'm a bit controlling of how people perceive me. This whole affair mess has eaten at me in part because I had no control. I had no control over my H (obviously) and the truth is we only ever have control over ourselves, at best. The fact that there's a bitch-whore out there who thinks particular things about me -- the WRONG things my H told her to excuse his actions -- drives me insane. And that she thinks my H was into her drives me bonkers too. He never felt or said that he loved her - in fact, he was clear that they could never be in a real relationship together - and the whole thing was about the sex. They each described it as "good" (that word is now a trigger for me, believe it or not!) but looking back my H now says it wasn't all that good - it was just there. But she probably thinks she was awesome! Okay, okay - I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT THIS NOW!

shawn thewife said...

This infidelity bullshit makes us all nuts. Once you get thrown on the train to Crazy Town, and get your ticket punched, it's really hard to get off.
If I can do it (still a work in progress!) so can you!
As long as we're on the train together, we'll find a way off soon enough! I'm not sure of much these days, but of this....I am certain!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Sarah Tower said...

I would just like to say to Erica- I did indeed have my husband send his BW a letter basically telling her what a piece of garbage she was and pointing out that I was in every way a better woman- and he had no feelings for her and she pretty much is pathetic... I know she read it because his BW is currently sitting her drunken ass in a state prison for her 3rd DWI. I havent posted before so in a nutshell my husband of 14 years had a 6 week affair with an extremely lowly pathetic whore... anyhoo- I can say that it did not make me feel any better- and he was about as callous as a person can be- and thats not him- so I'm sure the BW thinks I put him up to it- I mean I did but they were his words- and he had venom towards her since she decided to contact me after he tried to end it- I guess she figured she would let the BW out of the bag so to speak and perhaps get my husband my default.... when that didn't work she obsessively tried to contact him until she got the hint that he was not going to respond (or until she went to prison- whichever came first.. yes a true chicken or egg situation) I am only 3.5 months post dday so I don't have a whole lot of wisdom to offer but I love your blog and it really helps :)

Taryn Fait said...

I am one month and a few days past DDay. My H has finally let go of the idea that he was inlove with her, and finally realised that he was inlove with the idea of her only. He has been loving and thoughtful, and all the things that he hasn't been in almost 7 years.
But by trying to work through the problems of the OW, we have found that the problems are more than that - my H is a drunk, and has finally admitted to it, and joined the AA, and I'm going along to al-anon.
So, yes, I've got alot of healing to do, but I have decided to stand by him while he does his own healing, I mean isn't that what our vows said?
As for the OW, I would love to send her a letter, thanking her.... she put up with the drunk, who was selling everything he could get his hands on, a desperate, pathetic man - and by almost losing me, he has turned into the man he used to be so many years ago. So, the Bitch thought he loved her - how pathetic must you be to open your legs for a man who can only ever see you when he is wasted? A man who never thought you were worth being sober for...

Anonymous said...

Hello. Sorry that each of you are going through this, it is so painful. Ask yourself this, what kind of man are you married to that would USE and PLAY another human being just to get some physical reward? What kind of character is your husband? Was your husband saying all kinds of things to the OW about you and his homelife to gain sympathy from the OW? If he did that then to me he is just a shallow person, doesn't care about anyone but himself.

However if he formed a loving connection with her, then I would want to know why? My husband wrote all kinds all loving passionate words to his OW and at the same time our marriage seemed okay. Yes, after DD he tried to say he just wanted sex from the girl, just to downplay the affair and cover his own ass. emails / texts proved ofherwise. I was more angry at him by the way he used us BOTH. From that standpoint I actually had compassion for OW, she was a human being who fell in love with him because my husband told her, he never loved anyone as much as her, they were soulmates, you get the picture. He love bombed her to keep her in the game and it made me sick. He told her we were just a co administrative marriage and was only staying for our kids. Yes, that hurt a lot. So who do I believe? He is a skilled manipulative liar. If anything I wanted to contact the OW to compare notes, go on a fact finding mission. My therapist highly recommended against it. Good call! Instead I had to keep my cool. I had to figure out who the hell am I married to and still trying to figure it out. Now every time my husband tells me something nice or says " I love you" i wonder if it's genuine.

Shawn....It just sucks all the way around to think that the only reason my husband is staying with me is because of the finances and kids. This no way to live.

So sad.

shawn thewife said...

Hello, Anonymous: is so sad...really a tragic situation all around. Richard told me he cared about Jaymie and he felt terrible guilt about hurting her. Richard told her she made him feel things he never felt before, that they would be together forever. He told her that shit the last night they were together on DDay! She bought it. She was very ignorant of real love. I don't feel sorry for her one bit! She CHOSE to sleep with a MARRIED man! She deserved the heartbreak and then some.
The farther away we got from DDay the more he learned he didn't love HER...he loved what she gave him, the high, the feeling of recapturing lost youth and the adulation. Cheaters live in a fantasy world and it can take a while for them to extricate themselves from the fog.
Glad you're in IC. Is your WH in IC, too? What about MC? All are important. Maybe in MC you can talk about why you feel he is only staying in the marriage for the kids and cash.
You'll be able to believe your husbands declarations of love more if he backs up those words with actions. Words are easy. The proof is how he ACTS, what he DOES to SHOW you he loves you.
If you need some support, we'll be right here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

No he won't go to MC. Says that he stopped seeing OW and that is that, game over. Nothing more to discuss. Said he was sorry in an indignant kind of way. However he really won't accept the blame, partly blames me for why he had affair. Really???? As crazy as this sounds, i got some comfort when the OW along with the emails / texts sent me a very heartfelt apology and took ownership of her part. I only got a half ass apology and blame shifting from my husband. Unreal!

He felt justified in having the affair because I couldn't fulfill him sexually and we were essentially roommates. He also said that he provided our family with so much that he was entitled. Skewed rationalization. So instead of actually communicating any of this to me he decided to have an affair. When I ask him about all this, he just clams up and walks out of the room. I still don't know what to do.

I believe part of the way he is was because at young age he witnessed his dad cheat on his mom. Just my theory, that he was imprinted on by his dad's behaviour. Of course I didn't find out about this dark family secret until AFTER we were married. I haven't told my mother in law about any of this, it would break her heart to know her son turned out like her husband. So I try to have sympathy for husband thinking he is the way he is because of his upbringing. Maybe I am the one with the skewed rational.

Unfortunately our kids realized what happened, self editing on my end was not happening during the fallout. i don't want to see my kids to grow up and become like my husband, some manipulative liar just to get something in life. I am working with my therapist regarding on how to handle this with our kids. This is the toughest part of all.

I honestly don't know what my husband could do to show me he is remorseful and does really love me. He did get me a car, nice thought, but it came off as a way to assuage some of his guilt and you can't buy love.

There were so many contradictions between his stories and hers. I have to say though that even though I HATED her ( and really she could have been any one) she was the ONLY one to actually provide me with real proof (emails / texts). My husband tried to squash all the info. I thought what a F***ING coward he was, still tried to lie his way out of the situation and it ended being the OW to confirm things. Thinking i was too stupid and naive (just like the OW) to figure it out. That is some messed up Karma.

Shawn I hope you are right that the more time after dd and away from the OW he will realize that he wasn't really in love with her. It has been over a year.

So sad.

shawn thewife said...

(((Anonymous))) Maybe you can sign your comments with initials or something?? Just want to be a bit more personal with you.
Here's my take on your situation, and please's just what I can glean from 2 short comments sharing your story.
Until your WH shows some remorse, you're gonna be stuck in a rut on the Road back to Happy. The behavior of the betrayer speaks volumes and your WH sounds like he has a severe lack of compassion for your pain. How can you heal, why would you want to embrace a future with a man that has so little regard for your suffering especially when he caused it all?? Blame shifting is NOT acceptable!
I hope in IC you can learn to set some boundaries with your FWH and open a REAL line of communication. Your FWH can show you he is remorseful by agreeing to do what YOU heal your marriage.
There are three types of healing after an A. Yours, his and the marriage. All need attention. If your FWH can't understand he needs to be an active participant in the recovery process, then you might have to start walking the Road to Happy alone. And that's OK! That road might still have him living on the side, in the rut but you don't have to wait on him! You start moving and hopefully he'll catch up.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Sherry said...

My husband had more than one affair in a six year period. I didn't find out about them as they happened. Nope. I found out about them all in one big, destructive blow! I met one of them in person. She was married as well and her husband found a text from my husband to his wife and all hell broke loose that night for her. You know what she then decided to do? She had her husband call me and tell me all kinds of things. I wound up at her house that night. We got into it a bit that night. Verbally, not physically. After all was said and done, my husband denied everything she said. Said they were just friends and that she lied about everything she said to me. Fast forward to a year and a half later to my husbands final affair. he left me and our kids for this one for a week. I wound up back at the old affair partners house. Maybe not the smartest move to make, but I felt desperate. I thought if anyone knew my husband, it would be her. It was obvious I didn't know my husband at all at that point. He had a year long affair with her and he spent a lot of time with her. Her and I did exchange stories. Turns out, he not only lied to me, he was lying to her too. Also, gave her pity stories of how horrible I was to him. He got the reaction he wanted from her with those stories. Her comfort and "you poor thing." Unreal all the lies they tell.