After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Her name is Jaymie

Dialing the number, my hands were shaking and my heart was pounding as I frantically searched my brain for the words I'd try to speak if someone actually answered the phone.  Just a couple of rings and a woman's voice, very small and sleepy said, "Hello?"  I have no idea how I was able to form words.  I had no spit and my throat felt like it was closing, but I did.  "My name is Shawn.  I'm trying to figure out why your phone number is on my mobile bill so many times."
"Sorry, I don't know."
"Well, my last name is ******.  My husband is Richard.  Does that ring a bell?"
That woke her ass up.  "Oh, Shawn!  This is Jaymie .  I used to work in Richard's office.  You know me.  We went to the Eagle's concert together."  (Little side note: I now know that when Richard offered to buy Eagle's tickets for everyone in his office and get us a limo, it was not because I wanted to go.  It was to impress her.)  "Richard has been helping me with some personal family problems."
"Well," I said, as the anger built, "that's about to come to an abrupt halt."  Clunk.  Actually, the clunk of the phone was only in my head.  Phones don't clunk these days.  You click a button and the conversation ends.  But, in my mind, I SLAMMED down the phone and threw it across the room.
Then, I pushed my back into the chair, gripped the side arms until my knuckles turned white, tried unsuccessfully to slow my breathing and felt my stomache pull up into my throat.  This was a roller coaster I would never forget, a ride I never thought I'd take.  This ride has more abysmal drops and ferocious curves than I could ever have imagined.  It's savage and it can devour you.  I knew I needed support.  This was a 911 moment for sure.  Thank God for friends.  Nurture your friendships.  If you're dealing with torture like I'm trying to describe, caring friends are imperative.


Susan Rubinsky said...

I LOVE this part abut slamming down the phone and throwing it across the room. I'm over two years out from DDay and I laughed out loud at that. I can't tell you how many things -- mugs of coffee, dinner plates, whatever is close -- I actually did throw across the room that first year.

shawn, the wife said...

Hi, Susan: I imagined throwing lots of crap around the first few months, including Richard down a flight of stairs! I did actually throw an 8 x 10 photo of our family in Richard's office. It shattered everywhere!
Haven't blogged about that day yet, but it's coming up.
Hope you're healing. Thanks for joining us.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Wow I just came across this blog. So far I can totally relate. It's been 4 months since DD and I am still struggling and I still throw things and break things... But less than before.. I called the OW but she was too chicken to talk to me. She wouldn't even text me back. I thought omg did I get this wrong... But I hadn't realized that my husband told her to ignore me.. It was until I was writing an email to everyone I know in her office including her boss that my husband understood that I wanted her to reply to my demands... Basically a NC agreement otherwise the email and mre shit would come... Funny but I didn't care in that moment that I would announce my husbands infidelity to the world. I was livid that this hussy had been chasing my husband for months now...
Well only after he texted her did the bitch finally respond. I think I broke 3 dishes that day...

shawn, the wife said...

Hi, Anonymous: Hate to hear you can relate to my crazy ass self. Wouldn't wish that kind of torment on anyone...OK..maybe Jaymie! LOL!
4 months is very early into recovery. Be patient with yourself. I thought I could be miracle woman and fix everything over night. It just don't work that way. I always had another plan. Whew! I did not get it!

This is a life altering mess that you need to go THROUGH. Not over it, not around it...THROUGH it. If your WH is on board and working to help you heal, you'll get there. Your marriage can be stronger than ever. It just takes a long damn time!
Please stick around and let us know how you're doing.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

StrongerMe said...

Isn't funny how they all have some variation of "it's not what you think" or "it's not like that," when really it's EXACTLY what we think and EXACTLY like that. I guess since they fool us for so long, they assume that these statements will also fool us. I often wonder if they discuss and giggle over the times that I ALMOST caught them. (or did and still continued to deny it)

Winona said...

I wanted to throw the phone, the computer, the car, my husband, anything within reach that was connected to him. I wanted to rhow things AT him. Preferably sharp pointy things. I wanted to burn his precious rock n roll shirts and smash his vinyl.

Oh yeah, the "It's not what you think" REALLY?! I hear you call another woman DARLIN' in that tone of voice after midnight on the phone, the same tone you used with me in our first months together but haven't since our son was born and it's not what I think?! I am NOT an idiot.