After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Facing the Unthinkable

I barely remembering calling my dear friends, Julie & Nikki.  I know I did.  I had called them before I called "the number".  None of us knew what to do, what to say.  I think I was sobbing.  I know I was in shock.  There must be different levels of shock.  This was just the first one.  I would experience a great many more before the day was over and in the next few weeks.  One thing my friends and I agreed on was that I needed to talk to Richard pronto.

No way I could actually TALK to him right then, so I texted him.  It was short and direct.  "Come home.  We need to talk and I want to do it before the kids get home from school."  I emailed him the same message.  The response was, "Yes.  We do need to talk.  I have a client at 11:00.  I should be home by noon."  I think the son of a bitch even tried to make a joke.  Something about...Didn't need to email. I could have just texted because his phone had become part of his anatomy.  Hilarious.  The night before I had tried to get him to give me his phone so I could have it upgraded (totally lame ploy, I know.) He didn't give it up, so I made a remark about how the phone seemed to be attached to him like his manhood.

Richard has always hated confrontation.  He uses humor to diffuse uncomfortable situations.  It helps him a great deal in his work as a divorce attorney.  I hadn't shared that yet, had I?  He's a family law attorney!  He sees crap like this all the time!  He knows how cheating can destroy families.  I always thought that was one of the reasons our marriage was so great for 29 years.  He sees all the awful things that couples do to each other and he was grateful that our marriage never went to those dark places.  Until now.

It was still only about 9:00 AM.  I had a long wait ahead of me.  It felt like waiting for a loved one to come out of serious surgery.  There's nothing you can do.  You can pace.  I did that alot of that.  You watch the clock barely move. There's hand wringing and for me, a wicked stomache ache.  But, all you can do is just wait and imagine the worst, while hoping & praying for the best.


kris said...

sounds exactly like my story, would like to know where you are today!

shawn, the wife said...

More than 2 years later....I'm actually starting to feel hopeful, to feel "normal". It is such a long road. I recently found support on the Healing Heart message boards. The people there have all been through the same thing, many variations, but emotionally...the same.

shawn, the wife said...

I just reread this comment. I had to laugh. More than TWO years later? When I wrote this comment reply it had only been 14 months since DDay. I go back through my blog once in a while. There are quite a few conflicting timelines. I haven't changed them. I think it just goes to show you my mindset. Some details are laser imprinted on my brain, but many specifics are very cloudy. I strive to tell as much of the truth of my journey as I can. Please excuse me when I am not as accurate as I could be. Post traumatic stress makes memories unreliable and much of the time, undesirable.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just found your blog. I'm almost 2 years from d-day and still can't seem to get a handle on my emotions. In an odd coincidence, my cheating husband of 25 plus years is also a family law attorney. Looking forward to reading more; maybe I'll fell better if there's a happy ending or in the knowledge that my crazy has company....