After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Opening My Eyes

As I mentioned, I was so unaware of what Richard was doing, ignorant to the point of absurdity.  That might sound harsh.  You might think I should lighten up on myself a bit.  Trust me, I was a fool.  It took a friend to sound the alarm.  One night we were hanging with our friends at a neighbors' home.  Richard dissappeared for a while.  I didn't notice, but Lori did.  She asked me where he went, so I said probably out for a cigarette.  I went out to check on him and found him down the street, in the dark.  As I approached, he shut his phone.  I asked who he was talking to and he said our son. I knew he was lying.  I KNEW it in my heart and soul.  I called him on it, but did I ask to see his phone to check....hell, no.  See??  Ignorant.  Luckily, I did tell Lori about the call and the lie.

By the next day, I forgot about it.  It was over two weeks later when Lori, my obviously smart friend, asked me if I ever found out who was on the phone.  At that point, I started to open my eyes.  Within 24 hours I knew he was having an affair.  It was so easy to find out.  Once I realized I couldn't get my hands on his phone, it was attached to him like an extra apendage, I just checked our cell phone records online.  It was early on a Tuesday morning.  My day off.  Glad I hadn't eaten yet.  No way I'd have kept that breakfast down.

There it all was.  Hours and hours of calls, more texts in the past month than he used to make in a year and all to the same obscure number.  Incredulous doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.  I couldn't breathe.  It might sound hokey, but the room was spinning.  Sitting at my desk, scanning the pages that proved my life would never be the same, I came to a very quick decision.  I picked up the phone.


Linda T. said...

Hi Shawn,
I've been speaking to you on HH, where you have gotten a lot of help. I checked your website blog, decided to be the first one to join. Maybe we can help each other? I'm not sure how any of this works, as I've never done it before like this.

In regards to your post above. If we hadn't trusted, we would have been reading the magazines on what to look for in an affair? I would have never expected my husband of 26 yrs. to ever do it to me either. Everyone, like you, thought we had the most loving and perfect marriage and so did I. So, why would I , like you, be tuned into these things? Believe me, I know every sign now and if I had known then, what I know now, I would have caught him.

Mine too lost weight, exercised more, wore bikini underwear, acted younger, drank more and looked like he was trying to be the life of the party. So, we both went through the same thing. Only now, for me, 26 yrs. later, it's all coming back to me and after tonight, I hope that I can get through Christmas, after Dad and the children and grandchildren leave. I am just so tired and I can't seem to get what he did out of my mind. His being in bed with another woman, just makes me sick and still not knowing what happened is killing me inside.

I'm doing the exercising to help my brain and body, but now with Christmas and company coming, it's so hard to pretend anymore. I just want to disappear somewhere.

Yours has got to be so hard for you now, as it hasn't been as long. I'll comment more, as it's 3:30 in the morning and when I get upset after an argument with my WH, I can't sleep.

Take care of yourself and I'll be back again.

Hugs, LindaT

shawn, the wife said...

(((Linda)))) I am amazed by the amount of compassion and sincere understanding I have already experienced with the members of HH. This is the most hopeful I've felt since I found out about the affair.
You said perhaps we can help each other. I'll tell you this, if I am capable of helping you, I will be grateful for the opportunity. I never imagined that I might have something to offer someone else going through this maze of emotions.
Thank you for reaching out to me.
Hugs back,

Linda T. said...

Hi Shawn,
I just now went on your blog and didn't realize that my comment had went through. I'm glad that it did, as I've been back-tracking again. The exercising and keeping busy was working, but now after playing tennis with my grandson's, I injured my already bum knee. So, it's got to be checked before anymore aerobic class's.

As I mentioned on HH, I think you doing the blog is excellent. You won't regret it someday, when you might want to recall something that happened. I wish I had done the same, with a journal, like I mentioned, then my mind wouldn't be so blank with the time line of everything that happened to me. If I was you, I would definitely keep my mind open and tuned into everything. Spouses will lie to keep whatever they want and it doesn't matter who they hurt. Mine lied to me for a year. First it was a one year A, then a few months later, I found out it was a 2 yr., then a 3 yr. and I still don't know if it was over during the 4th. yr. when I received the love letters from the OWH, telling me it was still going on? I'm about to write him a letter and try and find out, as it's driving me crazy. Keep all of your phone bills, charges, e-mails (store them in a separate file that only you can see). He could erase them and you might need them later. Your WH is a divorce attorney, so he might be one step ahead of you. These things might come in handy at a future date and you have to protect yourself. If I can be of any other help, please let me know? If you want to do a separate e-mail, I can do that also. I don't want you to suffer later, like I am now. I feel it's because he didn't treat me well or show remorse after what he did to me and it's finally reared it's ugly head. So, keep blogging and Hugs to you. Take care of yourself and don't take any "crap" off of him.

Anonymous said...

Omg, again, my exact situation. When I looked at the cell phone records and txtng records I was numb, sick to my stomach with blood boiling over in my body.

shawn thewife said...

(((Jody))) We all know that feeling!! DDay is life altering. There were more ups, downs and complete 180s for me after DDay than I ever imagined existed! My crazy, out of control emotions lasted over a year. Then, I found the Healing Heart support forum. They saved me.

There is a new forum called After the Betrayal, too.

This was started by another blogging betrayed wife. It's a safe place full of betrayed spouses that get it.
You're gonna need support. Reach out.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn