After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

And now, a short break...

I need to interrupt the flow of my blog for a sec.  All of my posts have been semi-chronological until now.   I write to purge demons.  I revisit old wounds to analyze them with new insight.  A friend from the online support boards I visit, a friend I will probably never meet, but will consider very dear to my heart forever, reminded me of something today.  She rode this coaster many years before me.  She was finally able to disembark and now shares the map with those of us that desperately need her guidance.  If anyone out there reading has boarded the coaster from hell, my friend says you might want to know where I am now.  Writing about hope can be more therapeutic than writing that just rips the band-aids off quickly.  Today I focus on healing.

I'll tell you right up front that there is nothing fast about this process.  There is no doubt that I heal a little everyday.  Some days it's only one step forward and then I trip and fall backwards, usually directly on my heart.  Still, I can say with conviction, that I'm getting stronger.  This isn't something that I could have done alone.  Lots of people have moved into my village.  Our family therapist, my closest friends (and a few not so close, but they just happened to be around when I had one of my many meltdowns) and most recently, the intensive understanding of "The Healing Heart", my salvation, the online support boards that welcome all participants of affairs.  You might think "participant" is an odd choice of word to use.  I certainly didn't CHOOSE to participate.  I was drafted.

 All participants, the betrayed, the betrayers and the "others" post on this forum,
It's about perspective.  I can't stress enough how badly those of us that have been betrayed need information!  The questions are boundless!  It's the answers that are so damn few and far between.

Much of my healing is due to open communication.  Richard has been tolerant of my questions, if not quite generous with answers.  Our therapist, Dr. K, has some pretty strong opinions about the path to healing.  She rarely pulled punches.  I liked that about her.  Many friends, means many insights and much comfort.  I took something from each conversation.  I also tossed much away, mainly when I found myself in the "How could they possibly know how I feel?" mode.   But, each connection, each perspective, every answered question counted.

Still, I haven't mentioned where I am now.  I can only say, it depends on the day.  I haven't forgiven Richard, but I have accepted what he did.  Acceptance is a BIG leap.  I am still deeply in love with Richard.  That love is scarred with disappointment and mistrust.  I think I will always have hate in my heart for Jaymie.  But, that's because its easier to blame her than to lay it all at my husband's feet.  I continue to grieve the loss of what I had believed my marriage to be for almost 30 years.  A year ago, I couldn't imagine Richard remaining in my life.  Now, on most days, I can't imagine my life without him.
I'd say that's HOPEFUL.

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