After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

What was I thinking?

I was in so much pain.  I wanted Richard and Jaymie to hurt, too.  Not just as much as me.   No.  Way more!  A thousand times more.  You know how they say there are two ways people react to conflict?  Flight or fight.  I have always been a fighting kind of girl.  Damage me or someone I love and I'll come back at you with guns blazing.  Take no prisoners.  Leave a trail of destruction.  Many times at my own peril.  This was one of those times.   Seeking to take control of the situation, (I am all about control.  Or, at least I WAS.) I thought I could manipulate Jaymie into giving me the information about the affair that I wanted.  I wanted it, but I sure didn't need it.  If, during the process, I was able to belittle the crap out of her, humiliate her....ding, ding, ding!  Bonus!

Without thinking it through, I called Jaymie.  There have been numerous impulsive decisions the past year.  Called a few times from my phone.  Realized that wasn't gonna work, so I called from Richard's phone.  Still, no luck.  Decided to talk him into leaving her a voice mail asking her to call him back.  That did the trick.  She called back in minutes.  She was less than thrilled about me answering the call.

I'll give her credit for not hanging up.  I asked her to tell me about her relationship with my husband.  She used words like...undeniable, completely connected and passionate.  I really didn't need to hear that.  Those words were red hot daggers piercing my soul.  Through my online support group, I've learned that when your husband has an affair, the other woman should be treated as irrelevant.  Her perspective doesn't matter.  What she thinks about the affair is only her side of it.  Why give a rat's ass what she thinks?  She is a woman that gave no thought to the family she was damaging and possibly destroying.  She begged my husband to leave us, for the love of the Lord!  This is a person with no moral compass, not to mention...she was a baby!  Only 24!  And yet, I hung on her every word.

I became sure that she had something that I didn't.  I mean, something other than her youth.  I was convinced she had filled some kind of hole in Richard.  I examined the affair from every angle to try and understand what it was that I was doing wrong.  I asked Jaymie questions like, "What made your affair with Richard worth the risk?  Didn't you realize how wrong it was?"  She told me, "Our love was worth it, regardless of the limitations or the consequences."  Asked Richard the same things and he said he was out of control.  Didn't give much thought as to what the affair would do to me.  He thought he could get away with it and he deserved it.

Two different realities.  I bought into Jaymie's.  Why??? I wasn't thinking clearly, hadn't since the first day I was thrown on the coaster from hell.  How do you know what to do in situations that you never imagine will happen?  In my confusion and panic, I assumed I must have been less than he needed.

Bottom line....I didn't do anything wrong!  This has become my mantra.  Hold My Head Up.  Be Strong.  I Did Nothing Wrong.   If there was a hole in Richard's life, he should have come to me, reached out to me.  He risked our entire lives because he was selfish, narcisistic and just plain cruel, not because I was less than he needed.  He just wanted more.

But at that time, still functioning in shock mode, I needed to know what she had that compelled Richard to risk everything.  I wanted every detail of their time together.   I asked Jaymie to meet with Richard and I at his office.  She said, "Yes." Shocker.


Pippi said...

Hi Shawn --

Found your blog via Betrayed Wives Club. I love your writing. Really! I'm a big reader so I know good writing when I read it. You have talent.

I could have written the first paragraph of this post. I love the fighter in me. Love it. Then I read some of the stuff you did to warrant the restraining order over on HH. I smiled. You have balls. While I'm sure the restraining order was no fun and the OW is definitely not worth your time, it still made me smile. I, too, told the OW's parents. It felt fabulous. I'd do it again. No remorse on that one.

I think if the OW had any idea of the white hot RAGE experienced by the BS, they'd think twice before jumping into the sack with our CS. I'm really surprised that we don't hear more stories about the wife taking out the OW or the CS after going through this. We BS really do exhibit a huge amount of restraint. It's kind of scary sometimes. I hope I never run into my CS's OW. I'm almost afraid of what could happen.

My CS is an attorney as well. I just read your entire blog. We have quite a few things in common.

Stay strong and keep writing.

-- Pippi

shawn, the wife said...

Hey, Pippi! I love the Betrayed Wives Club blog! Just found it the other day. Elle is very generous with her wisdom of the maze of infidelity. Generous and damn funny.
So, you're a toughie pants, too, huh? I am a sucker for confrontation. I jump right in. No passive aggressive behavior for this girl. Take the bull by the horns, damn the possible, say....a restraining order?
Thanks so much for the kind words about my blog. You really read the whole thing? I guess when you find a story that mirrors your own, it can be comforting. I know finding HH was like that for me.
Safety in numbers, right?
Hope & Hugs,

Laura Horton said...

I too wanted to cause pain, twist the knife.

Seems to me that a divorce/family law attorney involved in an ‘ugly mid-life’ affair with a girl over 30 yrs younger would be embarrassing and spread like wildfire. He’d hurt. Especially if he’s a narcissisist.