After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Who to Believe?

Back to the regular program....We set up a meeting at Richard's office for that weekend, only 4 days after DDay.  DDay means Discovery Day.  I've also heard it described as BDDay, or Bomb Drop day.  Why I thought meeting with Jaymie was going to help diffuse the bomb is beyond my comprehension.  I always feel like I can run the show, fix the problem and get the job done.  I was so naive!

My plan was to get Richard and Jaymie in the same room so they each had to tell me their stories at the same time.  That's how I get my employees to settle disputes.  Lay it all out on the table.  The details I got sitting in the dark, talking to Richard were not in sync with the total love fest scenario Jaymie portrayed.  I told her as much and she said he was not being truthful with himself.  She was too damn "sweet" to call him a liar.  She asked me how I'll know if he's being truthful?  I remember my exact words.  "I've been married to this man longer than you've been alive.  I'll know."  Bravado and then some!  I sure had my toughie girl pants on and they were constricting the blood flow to my brain!  One thing I remember about those first conversations was that while I was being all territorial, Jaymie seemed so innocent.   Richard talked about her that way.  He said he was attracted to her "sweet nature".  To me that just meant, the polar opposite of me.  No one would use those words to describe me.

Richard's side of the story was that he had been feeling old and very depressed about his lost youth.  He met Jaymie for the first time, at a coffee and wine bar near his office.  She was exactly his type.  Tall, thin, kind of Bohemian.  Here's an email he sent her about that day.  He sent it after the first time they had sex.


 to Jaymie 
show details Sep 7
Hi. It’s my turn now.

You already know I couldn’t pull my eyes away from you the first time I saw you. I elbowed Lori and said “look at her.”  I watched you move with ease and grace and I noticed you were warm and natural with your customers. You laughed with Lori and me and made good suggestions on white wine. When I left, I told you that you were so pretty. I wasn’t hitting on you. I was stating a fact. You smiled at me.  Your face stayed in my brain for a while after that.  I knew I wanted to see you again.  Everyone has a “type.” I saw instantly that you were my type: slender, soft, athletic shoulders, pretty face, thin lips, kind, sweet nature.  I loved when you came over to see me at my office. It was awkward. I noticed you looking around at pictures of my family. I guessed you were thinking…hmmm who is this guy and why did he want me to come see him?  But I was just happy you came.

There is  comfort in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.  There is sameness and that is ok. But there is no passion. I have fire inside of me.  I need passion.  With you Jaymie, it goes way beyond passion. There is explosiveness. I am drunk and consumed with images of you. It gets stronger every day. I knew you wanted to be with me when we were holding hands and dancing in our places together at the Eagles concert. Your words said one thing but your lips did not lie when I kissed you softly in my office.  The elevator at Mr. A’s. The parking garage. And Friday. Oh my God Friday. Drinking every inch of your body with my eyes, my hands, my fingers, my lips, my face, my tongue. You responding by giving me everything and trusting me completely.

You have awakened me Jaymie.  I am ok taking this one day at a time even though there is so much I want to do with you. I want to wake up with you and see the sun on your hair. I want to shower with you and see the water dance of your shoulders. I want to hang out, go on road trips, take you places. I love you.    

Imagine how warm and fuzzy it feels to read that there was "no passion" in his life.  Ugh.  For clarification, I didn't find out about the emails they exchanged until about a month after DDay, so I was going into this meeting wanting desperately to believe my wayward husband.  He told me it wasn't love.  It was a pathetic grasp for younger years.  He insisted that he was delusional, in a total downward spiral brought on by a belated midlife crisis.  He was seeing a shrink during the affair/breakdown.  He knew he was out of control, but that 24 year old easy catch was just a little too tempting.   He thought he "deserved" it.  He worked hard.  Provided a wonderful life for his family.  Who could blame him?
(hope you're feeling my sarcasm)

I'm gonna have to pause here.  Sometimes writing about the gory details makes me a little sick.  Soon, I'll tell you about the meeting.  What a joke that turned out to be.


kris said...

I can see why reading that would make you sick, makes me sick and it's not even my drama... so sorry....

shawn, the wife said...

I have always said the hardest part for me was the emails and texts. Knowing that he wrote things to her that he never even SAID to me in 30 years is a very tough pill. I tell others going through this aftermath that you should think twice about how much info you really want. No, that's the wrong word...really NEED. Once the gate is open, the flood of brain worms begins. Those bastards burrow deep!

Wendy said...

Very tough email to read. Makes my blood boil. But your right, you have to be very careful about how much detail you want to know. Once you know it, its forever stuck in your brain and there's no getting rid of it!

shawn, the wife said...

I have a lot of they emails they shared...STILL! I'm sure I only have a small portion and I never saw the texts. I'm glad because I know there were naked pics of her in that phone somewhere!!
No way I want that picture branded on my brain!! YIKES!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you had to read this. This is the kind of shit that destroys us, that makes us question the very foundation of our most important relationship. But even as effusive and ass-kissing as this letter seems to be, this, to me, is not love. Love is a verb; it is supporting another human being through births and deaths and bankruptcies and every other human condition. Not this kind of teenage infatuation. I agree with you when you said "this was his Porsche"...pretty well sums it up.

Oh, and I unfortunately did find the naked pictures of my Bitch/Whore. Thoroughly disgusting but in hindsight (no pun intended) kind of comical. That a 40-something year old woman would spread her legs in a photo just to show him how hot she was for him. Ugly and pathetic.

Making my way through your posts, Shawn. Thank you for sharing your story and strength with other struggling BWs like me...

Much love to you, **S**

Anonymous said...

It has been just a little over a year since DDay for me, as you call it. I am still in turmoil. My husband works on the road and is gone a lot, and to make a long story short, he says that he met this woman and became friends with her. Partying, cooking out, hanging out and doing stuff, and they got drunk one night and it just happened. She told me that story at first then said that he told her what to say and that they really had a 2 month relationship and he was talking about leaving me for her. There were pics of them goofing off acting stupid but in one of them, they were kissing. No tongue thank god, but a peck. at first they had the same story and said that they were just being stupid and goofing off, but now she says it was more than that. I've never known my husband to lie to me about anything before but I don't know who to believe here... I don't want to be nieve or stupid, but I desperately want to believe my husband. Any comments

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I understand your struggle, as you can tell by my blog. For a year I thought my answers had to come from Jaymie. I could not have been more wrong.
I learned the OW is never going to be helpful to the betrayed wife. Why would she? Do you think she ever had your best interest in mind? Not a chance. Let her go. Her version of the affair is irrelevant.
It is the actions of your wayward husband that will determine if your marriage can be saved. Does he know additional lies will hurt as much as the betrayal? Is he giving you all you ask for to make you feel as safe in your marriage as possible? Your job is to let him know exactly what you expect, what you need to heal. Counseling is crucial for you both. Please find a therapist you trust. On the homepage of this blog, on the bottom, are links to two wonderful forums, full of people that can help you through this difficult journey.
You can also come here anytime. You are not alone.
Hope & hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

You are very brave to have printed this. But it shows what happens to men in relationships with beautiful young women. It shows how shallow men are. They really are consumed with the beauty and youth of women. I wish I was that way with men. Then, maybe, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Regards, the g

Anonymous said...

That email makes me want to vomit. I don't understand why people cannot just end one thing and start another. Why intertwine. That email hurts me reading it. I can't imagine reading that from someone I love. I'd probably have a literal heart attack.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Those words used to cause me to crumble. Not any more. I know what they really are...Fog Bullshit.
Often betrayers convince themselves that the affair partner is "the one", a soul mate! GAG! It makes it easier for them to cheat with less guilt. If you're screwing around with someone you really love, it doesn't seem quite so wrong...right?? Sick puppies can compartmentalize & rationalize anything to get what they really want.

Richard wanted to grasp at his lost youth by fucking a 24 year old. Jaymie needed male approval and she kind of enjoyed the extra cash, too! So much less ugly if you're in "love".
What a selfish crock!!
Hope my husband's words didn't upset your tummy for too long!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Winona said...

ugh. Reading the shared words of both is the worst thing I've ever had to do. I found a 4 month long thread of FB messages between my husband and his OW. it was one of several, but it was mentinoed that some were deleted "just in case". I never saw any texts but boy did they text often, he claimed it was more her, but when I called him a liar and showed him the cell phone bill with highlighted calls to her number, hers calls to him in a different color, he dropped his head. DDay was thankfully before sex had happened, but they were planning it, talkign about it, sexting each other, I got nasuseous remembering that thread. Every word, every photo. I found the thread a month after DDay because he left his FB page open and he then got mad at me for 'snooping'. They lived 1000 miles apart and he actually sounded heartbroken and sad there hadn't been sex when I confronted him about the thread. He went to a planned reunion with friends (before he met her online), that had been set for the time that ended up being a week after DDay, and I couldn't go, bar hopping is not my thing and I would onbly end up as childcare so they could go out late at night. They planned to meet up then as it was sort of a half way point. The ONLY confirmation I have that there was no sex was her anger at having gone through the trouble of waxing, new clothes, new sexy lingerie, a baby sitter (her ex) and new birth control only not to be 'fulfilled'. She called him a few names. The things that he allowed her to think of me were beyond untrue and extremely hurtful. He wouldn't even call me a good mother. His own words of "lack of passion" "feeling suffocating" and so much more stabbed me through the heart. I was never named. I was referred to as "the mother of my child" as if I'm some freakign brood mare for his much more important offspring or as Her or She. I was a non Human, a Non Entity, a hinderance, an annoyance, an anchor. Yet, when we were dating he wrote such glowing poetry to me, the same crap he wrote to her....
My heart was pounding hard the whole time, I nearly called 911. I drank a 1/2 oz bottle of motherwort tincture and some vodka to calm down. I called my mother 3 times, freaking out. I was gagging. I wanted to burn everything he owned, purge my house and life of his patheticness.. I wanted to tell ALL his friends and his family but didn't because, as my anger turned to grief, obviously I wasn't enough and it was my fault he felt to stifled and stilted. I was defective and didn't meet his needs. It was my fault I couldn't keep him happy. That lasted a brief time as my anger reared back up again. HOW DARE HE REDUCE ME TO BROOD MARE!!!

I have been struggling so much this past year. He refuses to do any work and expects me to become a sweet loving wife and forgive him and move on. He is actually stunned I am still struggling 1 1/2 years later. This told me he has NOT been listening to me all this time. He has NOT read a single freaking thing, that he has done ZERO work and doesn't care too.