After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Friday, September 7, 2012

2 Year Antiversary

September 7th, 2010.  2 years ago today, Richard turned his emotional affair with Jaymie into a physical affair.  They had sex in his office, on the chair, on the couch, on the floor.  Then, he came home to me with a smile, a kiss and images of HER in his head.
I hoped I wouldn't dwell on it, but that didn't work out.  I've been reading through all the emails they exchanged for the past hour. I hoped after 2 years I wouldn't feel like crying.  Once I started in on the damn emails, the box of tissue was required.

Hope didn't win out this time.  Still, I continue to hope for a little less pain everyday.  That's seems to be an attainable goal.

This topic was just discussed in the comments from my last post, Un-Happy Holidays.  Many betrayed spouses struggle over the holidays.  One reader called the days "Tainted".  That is exactly what Antiversary days are....tainted.  We have been wounded.  Wounds heal, but they leave scars.  Scars are reminders, but as time passes, not painful like the wound itself.  Even though I feel very sad today, I'm not out of mind with grief.  I'm not even grossly depressed.  My eyes are damp with tears, but I'm certainly not sobbing or gasping for breath.  I'm just sad.  Maybe on the 3 year Antiversary I'll merely be peeved or irritated.

I'm not looking to have a pity party.  My plan is to let my mind go to the dark side for a few hours, then go to work and get on with my day.  Get on with my life.
However...throwing Richard under the bus and allowing some of YOU to chastise him might be fun!!'s some ammo!  One of his emails to her that, even 2 years later, makes me wanna hurl!

Richard to Jaymie

Can you be too much in love?
So much so that when you see her, you dash across the street in front of fast moving cars to take her in your arms and hoist her into the air;
That when you look at her, you are so in awe of her beauty that you can’t speak; she reduces you to an awkward seventh grader again;
That when you listen to her, her voice melts you into jelly and you notice you have no muscle, no bone;
That when she sings to you, you secretly know you will give her anything she wants;
That when you try to focus on the daily chores of your life, you can’t because pictures of her flood your mind and disable your ability to function;
That when you make love to her, you forget about yourself and want only to drink in every inch of her body and pleasure her with joy that she has never before experienced;
That when she touches you, you are paralyzed; she finds parts that no one has touched before;
That when you leave her, you are in a haze left by her love, a spell she casts, and you forget where you are;
That you have lost control of your life because she has consumed you altogether.
Can you be too much in love. No because when you kiss her you feel something you have never felt before, never knew you could feel and nothing else matters.


kris said...

Shawn, my one year antiversary of his confession that it was physical, (which I knew in my gut before he admitted it) is coming up 3 days after our 18th anniversary (of which I am not celebrating unless he does something to remind me why we married in the first place) because not only 3 days after our anniversary did he admit everything, he was wasted on our wedding anniversary and called that bitch 14 times (none of which she answered, because I had threatened her with exposure if she ever did). But still, he was thinking of her on OUR day... so I know what you're going thru and I hate September... and all of 2011...and most of 2012... hang in there sister!

Eat My Scabs said...

You can do this. I can too. we're coming up on our soon. And there is nothing wrong with the pain and good old marathon cry. Let it out. grieve. you will find peace

Erica said...

I read your entry this morning and just feel so much empathy for you. I know my 'two years ago they did it' day was really hard. Not as heart-wrenching as the 'one year ago they did it' day but really hard nonetheless. I've been trying to think of some sort of 'pick me up' to lift your spirits, but I'm falling flat and just wanted to say that you're not alone and I wish you (& the rest of us) weren't in this place. And I always hope that my man Spinoza was right -- "All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare." We CAN have excellent lives after this... even excellent marriages, I hope!

sick of dems said...

Ugh - so so hard to deal with. But like you said, grieve, have a good hard cry and try to heal. Every time I read from others who are going through this journey it gives me strength to try to get through my own shit. So the fact that you are helping many women and men out there can maybe be some comfort. One of my own quotes from an email that breaks my heart time and time again is: "A love so strong that it is like Halley's Comet - it only comes along every 80 years - something not everyone shares but us - our hearts are one." Fuckers. It's unfathomable to me that they are in this 'fog', so far deep into it that we disappear from their radar. And that is where the pain starts for me - he was never out of my heart - why was he able to allow me to leave his heart for brief periods and now how can I believe it won't happen again? You are a rock, Shawn.

Jane said...

It has been nearly 1 one year since I found out that my boyfriend of (at the time) 3 years was cheating on me. I know your situation must be harder since you were married and you had children, but I am certainly feeling the pain right now. I am happy for the most part, we are now engaged to be married. But I woke up this morning in my bed alone. Usually I love that feeling when you wake up and feel the crispness in the air, and you can feel autumn coming. But this morning, when I felt that chill in the air, it just took me back to last year this time...when my boyfriend had started acting funny and withdrawn. Mind you I work with him, and in October 2011, I found out that he was sleeping with an intern in the department next to mine. Now nearly a year later, we are waiting for her to give birth to a child that may or may not be his. I feel like I will never feel the same about autumn...

Eat My Scabs said...

I was thinking about you last night.

Let's have a ritual burning!

Get those letters and other physical "things" remind you of the affair. Let's build a boy scout worthy fire and toss each piece in. Let the flames eat and destroy every piece.

We can dance and chant and throw all our words of hatred in the fire too. haha!

Reduce them to the ashes they are. The will no longer have hold of your life.

what do ya say?

shawn thewife said...

Scabs: LOL! I say I would be arrested for building such a splendid fire here in dry, hot, Southern California.
Plus, I can't get rid of the emails yet. I need to them write my blog. They serve as time keepers.
AND, more importantly, in a very masochistic way, they validate my pain. The emails remind me why I went crazy. Those words of passionate love make me feel a little better about myself somehow. Yea...I was nuts for a year. Yea...I ended up with a restraining order against me, but THIS is why! Those emails are a legitimate reason to loose your mind!
I do love the way you think, though!
Thanks Sister!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

kris said...

lol, scabs.. I have thought of that too, fire up the old chiminea in the backyard and burn all that shit, but I'm hanging onto it, just in case. I'm hoping there is no reason to pull them all out in the future, and as far as I can tell FWS is over it, but who knows what SHE might pull and I'll be ready with the ammo!

jane --- so so sorry... I had those thoughts and nightmares too about a child, thank God it didn't happen because I sure as hell wouldn't still be here... praying it's not his...

shawn thewife said...

Thanks for all the words of encouragement.

Sick of Dems: I'm no rock. My readers are the rocks. You all keep me grounded. I know I could go flying off the handle any day without the inspiration I get here.

Kris: I'm here for you, Babe. We'll get each other through the fall. September and October SUCK! If we're gonna make our marriages work, we just gotta believe every year it's gonna suck a little less.

Erica: You DID pick me up! I love your optimism!

Jane: My pain is no greater than yours. Betrayal cuts us all, even the toughest among us, to the core of who we thought we were, what we believed our lives to be. We all have different stories, but none of us suffer less than others. I hope we can also equally comfort one another in autumn and the rest of the seasons, too!

Scabs: When I'm ready for the're coming to watch! We'll roast marshmallows over the flames of the emails and consume copious amounts of wine!

One more much as I truly appreciate the words of encouragement, I was selfishly hoping for a few of you to drag Richard through the dirt! I thought at least I'd enjoy a couple of comments ridiculing his passionate poetry. I try to view it as ridiculous, so unlike him, completely out of character. Truth is each of those words in that email chip away at my heart. As much as I strive to read it with my Toughie Pants on, those words never fail to wake up Debbie Downer.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I first of all wanted to throw up when I read what Richard wrote to that slut, Jamie! It sounded like he worshiped the ground she walked on. Every inch of her body, I can't even believe that he can write those and do that to you. What a creep, sorry you wanted me to throw him under the bus and that's what I'm doing. I had two thoughts, well maybe several when I read that e-mail. One you've already read and boy could I say some other things, but it would be to gross for here. Second, my heart goes out to you for having this happen and he doesn't deserve you after the things he has done. Third, I admire you for the strength and courage to do the things you've done with the Slut and even her family, you are one tough cookie! I would never want to be on your bad side.
I know these days are hard and us BS always seem to remember the dates, but I know my H doesn't. He doesn't even remember the date of D-day or the house we lived in. Her birthday is coming up 9/18, one day after our son's and that was when he always took her out to lunch or dinner, brought her a beautiful card and wrote his "Can't live without you and no one has even meant as much to me line!" I'll never forget those words, but he sure doesn't remember them. I remember her birthday so well, as it's connected with all those cards the OWH sent me telling me about the A and I got to read the love letters he wrote on them. So, I've been thinking about this day coming up also and it's been over 25 yrs. Sometimes you just don't forget those dates where something inside of you died! Just wanted to respond to your late request in the comment section and after reading your post, his e-mail, I was going to comment anyway.
Soon this day will be over for you, Shawn and you can continue to move forward.

Anonymous said...

Who said you can't print out the emails to burn without deleting them? Just a little symbolism... a little release! I know I would certainly want to burn those words.

I know that antiversaries are horrible. I hope that your weekend wasn't completely ruined. Thinking of you.

Hata18 said...

Oh my goodness, he was really far gone. I am just starting to deal with the pain of my husband's affair. I have been reading various blogs for comfort, to know I'm not alone. I feel for you, I feel for all of us. I understand the broken record playing in your head. It is so hard to turn it off sometimes, but it sounds like it plays a little less often a year later. Thinking of you!

Jenny said...

So many painful dates that trigger pain, hurt. My "year ago they did it" is coming up very soon. It was also a day after my birthday and the weekend we were moving house (he was on a business trip!!).
I no longer believe that our life experiences are coincidence, they are there for a reason. We just have to try and understand the reason. Easier said than done!!
I've been reading your blog for a while Shawn and some of your posts are very painful to read because we all know the torment you are experiencing. Your blog has already helped me enormously. Thank you.

shawn thewife said...

Mess: I know! Symbolism can be VERY cathartic. I could burn all the emails and a picture of Jaymie, but it wouldn't matter. I gotta finish the story first. I gotta dump it on these digital pages and THAT will be my moment of release.
I've only just started. I'm only 2 months into the year long nightmare, but every sentence I type makes me feel a little stronger. I certainly have my off days. but I handle each road block better.
Yep...finishing this blog will be my therapeutic bon fire!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Linda: I want you to know something important. I am feeling stronger everyday. My marriage improves everyday. I spend much more time being happy than sad, content than vengeful, joyful than angry.
That, my friend, is what I wish for you!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Hata: I had the broken record playing 24/7 in my head for over a year. I allowed it to play. One of the reasons the record slowed down for me is I learned to shut it off. I had the power all along, but I ignored it. I was too busy being angry and looking for payback. I was my own worst enemy.
I'm not saying I don't still have VERY bad days, I do! But, I have MANY more happy days.
The road to happy takes a long time, but there are short cuts, if you know where to look!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

(((Jenny))) You do not have to thank me for writing this blog. This blog, and the Healing Heart forum
might have kept me from divorce court...or a padded cell! If you ever want to share more, or ask something privately, please email me from my profile page.
I know exactly where you are and, at the very least, I'll can let you know what NOT to do!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn, I'm so glad that your marriage is improving so much. I'm also glad that you responded to my long post, I thought you might be disappointed or angry with me. Sometimes I always feel like I say the wrong thing, so I don't post. I know you wish for the best for me, but I think we have a long road to travel yet. At least we are talking and still trying to find the right counselor. We had a long talk coming back from a trip yesterday, as I am finally getting him to open up some about the A. Some of his answers don't add up to why I was treated in such a bad way, but that's a long story. I know you won't agree with this, but I need to know when this A ended and if my WH is still lying. He still swears by what he said. You probably saw my post on HH about, Please read this letter and give me your opinion. I really would love to get your opinion on the letter from the OWH, it would mean a lot to me. I wrote the OWH a letter about 5 weeks ago, no return address to ask him what proof did he have that this A was still going on for another year, when he sent me the love letters. I never heard back from him and I pray that he is living where I sent it. I feel that he is. I want to get to the bottom of this, as something doesn't feel right. I got up enough nerve and my H knew I was going to do this, to go by his house and see if he was home. It took all I could do to walk up to that front door and see if he would talk to me and give me proof. Of course he wasn't home (-: I need this to get straightened out as it's part of me moving on and saving this marriage. It made me sick to my stomach to see this house where my H had taken me for Christmas, just so he could see her. How sick is that? Anyway, I know I'm all over the place, but I am trying to get help. Thanks for listening, your blogs mean so much to me and I get a lot from them.


Anonymous said...

I also wanted to make a comment on the ritual burning, but forgot. I kept the love letters that my WH wrote to the slut, sorry, that's my name for her. My reason being, is if I ever needed them in court. After I decided to forgive and move on 25 yrs. ago, I put all the letters and the notes that I wrote after talking to the OW several times, since I couldn't get my H to tell me anything and put them in a box and never opened them for 23 yrs. until recently when things haven't been going well. But I'll never burn them, they are evidence if I ever should need them, but to copy and burn is neat.

I did want to share a funny thing I did do. I remember when my H wasn't as interested in sex as much when he was having the A, of course I thought he was tired from work, yea, right! So, I always dressed sexy for him anyway, but to get him more interested my lingerie or the size of it, got smaller and smaller. I remember so many times even letting him pick it out before he would love me. After finding out about the A, about 6 months later, I got mad one night and took about $400 worth of Victoria Secret out of my drawer and took each piece and burned it in the fireplace. He happened to wake up and ask what I was doing and I told him. He had such a shocked look on his face and I had a smile on mine.


Anonymous said...

what dates and how many dates do you remember when you find out that your man has had multiple affairs simultaneously over the years,that he keeps adding new women to his list, keeps going back and forth between the women,you suddenly find that an old girlfriend has popped up after 5 years,and add hookers in every city he travels to.

I think he must have covered every day of the year.

Remembering dates is just letting him and them yet have a hold on my life.

By the way, i dumped him.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I admire your strength and your attitude. Don't let them have a hold on anymore of my life. I'm gonna strive for that.
You dumped him? Sounds like he's lucky you didn't castrate him first!
Thanks for your comment. It has given me perspective. Always appreciated.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all of your work on this web page. I am looking forward to reading more of your posts in the future.

Anonymous said...

"...she reduces you to an awkward seventh grader again..."

As evidenced by this little love note that reads exactly like something straight out of my 7th-grade Hello, Kitty diary. *eye-roll so hard, I can see my own brain*

And yet for all the cheesy, overdone, embarrassing sappiness of it, I think it must have hurt you very much to read it. I'm so sorry that someone you loved did this to you. You deserved better than that from him.

shawn thewife said...

I don't know how many of you will see this. I may need to write an entire post about it.
But, for now, I need to declare something!!
September 7th is NOT the Anti-versary of the first time Richard nailed Jaymie in his office! It's September 3rd!

Why is this important? Why am I thrilled by my shitty memory timeline?? Because it means I'm forgetting! Not forgetting maybe, but at the very least...not obsessing!! A year ago I could have recited a full on Blackberry caliber calendar of the time he spent with her! Now...I confused the date of the first email I read from him to her about their first sweaty encounter!
Whoo Hoo! I consider this realization a major step forward on my road to happy!!
Had to share!
Love you guys!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say thank you. Four and a half months after the first d-day I'm having a bad day, and I feel so alone, and useless sitting here with my ipad and a bunch of used tissues, but you make me feel like I'm not alone.

So thank you and I really wish you all the best.

N xx

shawn thewife said...

You are NOT alone! You can't get through this alone. You are also not unless in the least. Your very important job right now is to take good care of yourself. That, my friend, is a tough order when you are struggling just to get out of bed.
We get it. We will be here for you, but PLEASE consider IC for extra support.
You should also check the bottom of my homepage, under support & compassion.
Those two links, for the Healing Heart & After the Affair, will put you in contact with many others that understand your pain and will help you in any way they can.
You are NOT alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

lola said...

Wow shawn, I read the letter & wow! I can tell you one thing, being in the fetish/bdsm community for two decades I can tell you something about your husband that you probably didn't know. He is CLEARLY a submissive. If you told him this, he'd probably laugh & deny. But his letter worshiping "Goddess Jaymie" screams submissive/maso. Good luck girl and thanks for sharing.

shawn thewife said...

LOLA!! LOL! He IS a pleaser! He wants everyone to get along, be happy, no conflict.
I would think he'd probably like me in black leather with high heeled boots and a whip, too!

I can't wait to tell him about this!!
Thanks for sharing!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the embarrassment and shame your husband feels when he reads back over the cheesy sap he wrote to her. Mine started sexting with a woman and sent her a selfie. When her husband found out and called me up (that was just pure awesomeness, let me tell you) I ended up meeting him for lunch and he showed me the picture. I was so embarrassed for him. So out of character doing the very thing he'd likely mock others for doing. And the sheepish look on his face when I confronted him about it was painful even for me to see. 42 yo men do not need to be sending selfies (or sexting married women but hey, that's another issue). That was the gateway to the can of worms that revealed the sexting was nothing compared to the other stuff he'd been up to, including, but not limited to a 2 year affair that was current. I have no idea what other crazy stuff he may have done while in the fog. He's smart enough to keep his passwords secret, email and search histories clear. Delusions make people do and say really, really stupid ass things.

chris said...

I fully understand why you went crazy. I did too. In fact, I threw away the gifts he had given me, tore up the sexy ligerie he had bought for me and flushed my wedding ring down the toilet.We are still married. We bought new wedding bands but I threw my new one into the stre e t and never found it again. To this day I wont wear anything resembling a wedding ring.Why do I still feel crazy sometimes? Because I dont understand how he could betray me like this.There are too many triggers.