Perhaps I need some kind of "Alert System" on my homepage for posts that switch from past tense to the present. I'm sure my rambling needs clarification from time to time. For today, I'll just type this: Head's up, Readers! This post is about NOW, not 2 years ago. Not two months ago. My extreme animosity for the ritual fall activity began a few weeks ago. Until then, it seemed like a harmless father & son bonding enterprise.
About a month ago, Richard mentioned that he and our son, Lukas, would be attending a "draft" party to select their team for this year's fantasy football league.
Hold on there, Cowboy!
"Isn't your partner, Michelle, in the same league? It's run by her sister, right? I have been VERY clear about you socializing with Michelle. Did you really think I wouldn't have a problem with this?"
"It's only a couple of hours. Lukas really wants to go!" And...back peddling begins....
"Not that I'm saying I'm only going because of Lukas. I mean, I wanna go, too. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about Lukas."
I was gettin' hot. I felt my jaw tighten, my nails dug into my palms and I'd bet the fantasy football league entrance fee that my face was beet red. I've written before about my preference for "fight' over 'flight'. I'm a BIG fighter. I sooo need to work on that!
I tried to reason with myself....you might be making too big a deal out of this. It is evil antiversary month. That has you on edge. Just chill.
I got a grip on my anger and I think I handled myself with civility and repose. Well, civil for me anyway. It's all relative.
Exhale.....Deep Breath. Do not let this become a huge deal. "How did you do it last year? You didn't go to the draft last year. We can compromise here."
"We really wanna go. It is so much easier than trying to do it over the phone or having someone else pick. We want to participate in the whole process."
"Then, you need to find a different league. You know there is no way I'm gonna be OK with you spending Labor Day with Michelle."
I left him with that. I heard no more about it until the week before the draft. Richard announced that I shouldn't forget he and Lukas would be gone part of Labor Day for the draft party.
And...that's when my contempt for Fantasy Football became resolute.
What do you do to your spouse when you're supremely pissed? I barely look look at him. I only speak to him if I must and he sure won't be getting ANY in the near future. Richard does not handle the cold shoulder routine well at all. So, by the Friday before the draft, he had conceded. They wouldn't go. They figured out an alternative plan. I saw it it as a win/win! They would still be in the league, but not attend the social gathering where I would not have been welcome. Michelle and I will never be able to be in the same room again. Let's just say I burned that freakin' bridge.
I wanted to believe he changed his mind because it was the right thing to do, but why would I kid myself? I knew it was because of his aversion to confrontation. He is the most conflict avoid-ent person I know. Weird for a lawyer, right? Maybe because his job is ridiculously conflict laden, he can not tolerate further combat after hours. Whatever the reason, as you are all very well aware, problem avoidance can lead to betrayal. (attention! sarcasm ahead)
Got problems at home, but you just can't bring yourself to face up to them and talk to your spouse? Better not stir the pot. Dealing with issues head on could make it very uncomfortable around the homestead. Maybe you should just talk to the cute girl at work. She'll make you feel better about everything and your wifey will be none the wiser! Safe and satisfying!
I knew why he caved. I wasn't happy about it. As we talked about this, in the lovely Dr. K's office, day before yesterday (this required MC in a big way! 2 hours!) I benevolently referred to Richard's aversion to conflict as, "A huge lack of balls!" I also referred to him as a moron.
In my defense, the name calling was not about fantasy football. It wasn't about Michelle, either. It was about the rage building inside me, yet again. It was about the intense fear in my gut that Richard was not capable of the whole truth. During one of our many heated discussions over this he yelled, "I'll never be able to be honest enough for you!" What the fuck does that mean? Truthful enough for me? My God. He really doesn't get it. He may never get it.
The fantasy football debate exposed not one, not two, but three lies made by Richard in the past year. For him, they were not lies, but merely omissions.
Has he not learned a damn thing in two years?
Why is complete honesty such a foreign concept to him?
I stand firmly by my use of the term MORON.
To be continued.....
11 comments:
I remember that Michelle was somehow involved in hiding the truth about Jaymie from you... I'm trying to recall how that part of your story went down. Do you mind a refresher on that part of the situation?
Whatever your reasons, I believe that Richard needs to honor your need for total honesty, transparency, and compliance to the "new rules". Our WHs forfeited their right to hobnob with whomever they please when they stepped out of their marriages. If they are going to stay happily married to us, our needs trump theirs. Period.
Hang in there, girl.... **S**
**S**
Michelle is Richard's partner in the law firm. She knew Jaymie from the day Richard got her the job with another attorney that leases an office from them. She saw how Richard's behavior became more and more inappropriate. She knew the whole time and did next to nothing to stop him. Yea, she told him he was really screwing up, but she could have done MUCH more. She and Richard's best friend, Marc, let him work his way from an emotional affair to the physical one. They knew about it all. Richard says it's not their fault. That's true, but it sure doesn't make them friends of mine.
Richard keeps hoping I'll lighten up about them. He was very close to both of them, obviously! I know he misses their friendships, but too damn bad! The next post will explain how all three of the lies he told were because of them!! UGH!!
Not to worry...this too shall pass, right?
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I also got this comment thrown in my face last night(" you are never happy, even when I tell the truth, it's not enough").
Maybe they just don't get that when there has been so many lies, it's difficult to suddenly start believing them when they decide to tell the truth. I believed him all the last times, then it turned out that he was lying to avoid confrontation. Why should I believe blindly now? Is it really that difficult to understand that trust must be earned?
Here here sister! When the hell are they going to realize that ANY lie even a little itty bitty one to "not upset us" just opens up the wound in our recovery process. My hubby is a HUGE avoider of conflict and this issue comes up all the time. It's EXTREMELY frustrating...good luck working through this.
Stand your ground Sister!! I wouldn't wanna be anywhere near his partner either, burned that bridge when they blindly let him screw up your lives....
Thanks for the support, Ladies. This has become a BIG setback. I'm sick about it. We talked last night when we got into bed. We are so stuck. I barely slept.
I just don't know how much more clear I can be about the complete honesty thing. He wants more freedom. I'm not ready to give him that, especially after these new lies (not lies to him) have surfaced. All 3 lies are based on Michelle and Marc and yet he doesn't get why that scares me. I want them out of our lives as much as possible. He wants (and HAS without my knowledge. Hence, the lies) to spend more time with them.
I'm afraid after doing so well for months, this may be a pothole on the road to happy that is too big to navigate.
Trying to keep Royal Bitch in check. She is never productive. Feeling very sad, but I must keep Debbie Downer at bay. She leaves me incapacitated and I will not go there!
I think I might need a new persona...maybe Rational Rhoda or Cathy Compromiser?
This is hard.
Hope & hugs, Shawn
I like Rational Rhoda, I definitely don't think you need to compromise on this.
I can see that Richard will have to spend a certain amount of time with his business partner, but that should be at work only...why the need to socialize? And a fantasy football league? I'm sorry, but is that really so important?? And if I remember correctly, Marc was his good (maybe best) friend. I would imagine that he was a good friend to you, too. How can you trust someone who colluded with your husband on such a HUGE transgression??! If he had truly been a good friend to Richard, and to you, he would have told Richard to end the affair or he would go to you with the truth.
I'm sorry that this has become an issue in your marriage. I know how important it is to me and to my recovery that my husband puts me first now. He has a lot to make up to me after 9 years of lies and deception. I have complete access to his phone and computer and he is fine with that. If I am uncomfortable with any aspect of his life now, we talk about it and he makes the necessary adjustments. Getting past this shit is hard enough on its own, we don't need any extra hurdles to jump.
I hope that you continue with your MC on this issue because it is very important that Richard gets this. If something he is doing makes you uncomfortable or brings up any negative feelings, it his his responsibility to make it right. You deserve that, no Royal Bitch should be necessary.
Love to you, Shawn... **S**
My two cents, for what they are worth:
Sure, a Formerly Cheating Spouse can argue that he has the right to keep the friends he wants, but here's what he should understand, if he doesn't already...
Formerly Cheating Spouse, when you are in a marriage, your spouse comes (or should come) FIRST. 'First' means before anyone. In case that needs any additional clarification regarding where your friends should lie on your hierarchy of "people I care about", 'first' means that your spouse should come waaayy before your friends. Your friends need to understand this. I would hope that you ALREADY understand this, because if you don't, that makes you a pretty shitty spouse, don't you think?
Now...
If, when you cheat on your spouse, your friends either implicitly condone or turn a blind eye to your actions, then sure, you may *think* they are being friends to you (heck, they are supporting you in all your actions. That is what friends are supposed to do, right? Screw morals. Whether you @&#*^ around on your wife, run over a homeless man, become a pedophile, commit murder, whatever. Real friends should stand by you no matter what, right?). But... please recognize that through their actions and inactions, these wonderful "friends" of yours sure as hell weren't thinking about your marriage or your spouse. Remember your spouse? The one who comes before anyone else in your life, including those friends of yours? The one you were supposed to love and cherish above all others?
So, Formerly Cheating Spouse, shall we explore what your actions communicate to your spouse when you choose to not only continue friendships with these enabling individuals, but also LIE to your spouse about these interactions?
First and foremost, you have chosen to associate with people who not only supported you in your heinous actions towards your Betrayed Spouse, but also, through their behavior, made it blatantly clear that they regard her with neither friendship nor respect. Why would you want to associate with such individuals? Do you really think so little of your spouse and hold her feelings in so low a regard?
Secondly, you have enough mending to do on your own as it is. You damaged your relationship with your spouse, and it is up to you to repair it. Are you really going to pick other people over your spouse AGAIN? Especially people who, through what they did or DIDN'T do, were responsible for causing her pain? Do you not see how that is a betrayal in its own right?
Finally, let's move on to your lies, shall we?
Dear Formerly Cheating Spouse, are you a complete idiot? Surely it doesn't take much more than two brain cells to realize that LYING to the person you betrayed about your continued interactions with people who CONTRIBUTED to the pain you perpetrated is a horrible, HORRIBLE idea.
I sincerely hope you pull your head out of your ass soon and realize what complete piece of shit you are being by continuing these actions, Formerly Cheating Spouse. Your Betrayed Spouse deserves much, much better than this. You fucked up. She is likely to always have a scar because of you, no matter how well she heals. By your selfish actions, you have maimed the person you were supposed to hold most dear to your heart. Congratulations.
In light of the fact that you are responsible for hurting your Betrayed Spouse in such an indelible way, would you not agree that it is your responsibility to do all you can to minimize both, the pain of healing, as well as the size of the scar she is left with? Please know that since that scar will always be there, no matter how small, this means you're going to have to be aware and sensitive of her needs for a lifetime. Formerly Cheating Spouse, I sincerely hope that you find the integrity and strength within yourself to accept your responsibility and live up to it.
Sorry for the super long comment above... I had no idea it was a friggin' novel till it posted!! >_<
Shawn,
You WILL get round this pothole. Does your H understand how much this tears you apart? How sad it makes you? I'm not sure that most men realise some of the lies they tell (very often by omission). I can't remember from your blog if you have confronted Michelle and Mark about their cover up.
My H had his A in front of my eyes (and friends), to such an extent that my friends thought that I was aware of what was going on! And in that case if I was OK about it it was none of their business.
Don't go into the "black hole" (as I call it). Keep smiling.
My dad was a huge proponent of "need to know" and a master at rationalizing what constituted a "lie". There was only one way to make him understand how intolerable these practices were to my mother...she divorced his lying, serial cheating ass.
I hope your husband understands that marriage cannot thrive in an environment of deceit and makes the changes necessary to make you feel safe. Otherwise, he could one day be looking at the same outcome. Stay strong.
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