After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Should Auld Aquaintence be Forgot?

The end of 2010, the worst year of my life, was rapidly coming to a close.
The worst year?  Yea.  No doubt about it.  Thanks to my carnal craving husband.
Even though most of the year was filled with fun, whale watching in January, a great ski trip in February, my 50th birthday celebration with my dearest friends in Vegas in June, a trip with our kids to New York and a long over due family reunion in West Virginia in July...even with all of that being beyond wonderful, so many special memories that will last a lifetime... DDay on September 12th negated the lot.

Isn't that what happens?  You feel blessed with a lifetime of happy.  Lucky to have found the perfect mate to share the best years of your life, humming through your days in harmony...Then...WHAMMO!  A vicious reality check!  Your perfect spouse is really a nefarious liar!  I know I can't speak for all betrayed spouses.  Some had less than happy marriages before DDay, but even still..none of us thought we'd end up on the shitty end of the infidelity stick.  (EEWWWW.  I seem to have a severe case of potty mouth this morning!  Sorry.)

I said "perfect" mate.  I know no one's perfect, but life felt pretty effin' perfect until my head on collision with adultery.  2010 had been chock-full of fabulous!  Such a damn shame all the great got blown out of the water by my husband's choice to cheat.  How could I cherish the memories of my birthday in Vegas, when I now know he was texting her from every casino?  Why would I want to remember the New York City vacation with my kids?  That's when I noticed Richard had learned to use his camera phone.  I praised him for his technical advances!  The pictures were for Jaymie.  He wanted to include her in our sightseeing adventures.

Not where this post was supposed to go, but if my blog is part of your regular reading diet you understand I tend to loose focus.  I had intended to blog about the last days of 2010.  Let's see if I can get to it...

After I asked Richard for divorce, things calmed down at home.  Now that a decision had been made, we just had to devise a plan to get our new lives up and running.  There were many elements to consider, but finances and family were at the top of the to-do list.
Telling the family, especially our kids, was the scariest part of the proposition and would have to wait until we knew when Richard was leaving and where he would go.  That's a conversation you only wanna have once,  (well, preferably never, but wadda ya gonna do?) so it's best to get your details straight before the talk takes place.
Step One:  We needed to budget for two households.  We reviewed all our incoming and outgoing cash.  It was quickly apparent that some belt tightening would be required.  After we determined how much we could afford to spend on rent for Richard's solitary confinement, we started searching for places in our price range.  It was looking more and more like he would take up residence at the YMCA.

Weird that we did all this as a team.  We actually spent more time in casual conversation that weekend than anytime since DDay.  We even exchanged a few emails the following week that tended toward the light hearted.  A specific date for Richard to depart to accommodations unknown was never verbalized.  He didn't say a word because he didn't want to go.  If I wasn't gonna complain about him dragging his wayward feet, he certainly wasn't gonna mention it.  I didn't set a time frame because **Newsflash** I didn't want him to go either.
I say, "Get out!"
I mean, "Please don't leave me!"  UGH!
It was about me wanting him to think that I wanted him to leave...I think.

We rang in the New Year as a family having no idea if we would continue to be a family in 2011.
I remember hearing Auld Lang Syne at midnight.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
and never brought to mind?  (If her name is Jaymie...You bet your ass!)

I wished to God I could forget the last 3 months of my life.
Happy Freakin' New Year.


kris said...

hey there sister, I know where you are coming from,all my thoughts exactly, though my worst year was 2011. Since my Dday was in April, just about the whole damn year sucked!! I really don't remember a whole lot from it, really sad huh, how selfish some people are... never giving their spouses one thought when they decide to lie and cheat...but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, can't wait to hear that part! Keep up the writing! Love ya!

shawn thewife said...

If you're waiting on the "happy ever after"'s gonna be a while. 2011 was all about me on the edge of losing it. However, I could probably tell the entire story about the whole year in one or two sentences...
My life evolved around getting answers from Jaymie and making Richard suffer. Rage ruled which left no room for healing to begin.
If you wanna know about 2012...there's still no fairy tale ending, but since I started this blog, I've found I can let the anger go and focus on saving our marriage. Of course occasionally, I'm still very sad, but I get stronger everyday. It's a long road back to happy. I know I'll get there eventually.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Erica said...

My DDay was January 20, 2011. I gave birth to twins on January 25, 2011. Yep - 5 days after DDay. Affair trauma + baby blues = the worst 2011 I could possibly imagine. (Thanks, hubby.) Even now, almost 2 years later, I can barely look at pictures from the affair time; there were so many wonderful moments that now feel tainted (our awesome 'babymoon' trip to Turkey when he was emailing her that he was having a great time but couldn't stop thinking about how much "fun" they had, the many baby showers we were so lucky to have received from family & friends - one where he had sex with her the night before, even ultrasound pictures from 14 weeks onward, when the affair started). I feel so angry and sad, sad for myself and especially sad for my babies that their momma felt like a shell of her former self during their first year of life. I'm fully engaged in their lives now but wonder if I'll ever be able to look back at that time (pregnancy, the first year) and not feel hatred well up in me. You said it well, Shawn, "it's a long road back to happy" and I too hope to get there eventually!

Anonymous said...

Hey Ladies,

I'm here to tell...happy IS possible after this HELL. Yes, it is a looong road to whatever your "happy" is, but it WILL come around again. Hang in there!!

shawn thewife said...

All of our DDays were horrific. Every one of the stories I've heard touches my heart. But, your story breaks my heart and lights a fire in my gut! Your WH must have been one seriously selfish SOB.
I hope he's giving you everything you need to find a way past his betrayal. He stole so much from you.
You must be one very tough cookie to survive DDay and TWINS at the same time!
I'd be proud to call you my friend.
Hug those babies for me!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous! Thanks for the uplifting comment!
We love inspirational stories!!
Wanna share yours? I know I'd love to hear it!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

carollynn said...

I am so happy to have found this site and all the amazing kindred spirits-we will survive! My d-day was feb 5, 2010- but trickle truth continued until january, 2011, when all was said and done I had learned since the first year of our 40 year relationship (37 years married) he had 2 one year affairs, 13 one to two night stands and the real doozy- an intense affair from 2000-2010 when I found out. All the unendurable emotions you talk about are no stranger to me! We are still together as he has worked hard to become the man he always wanted to be for me but as you know this is a life changer. I wish you all the best and its good to know there is such an army of support on this blog! You are all amazing!

Anonymous said...

Shawn thewife,

Inspirational? My story is just like yours and everyone elses (really ugly). Basically, the men in our stories all act, say and do the same things. We as the wives go through the same heartbreak and despair. At some point we desire to move past all (no timetable) the negative and ugly. We can't forget we have the power to rise above it all. We cannot let an affair define us. We are so much more. Am I completely "healed"? No, but as the years tick by, I think I made it through HELL and I'm pretty proud of myself.

Kate said...

You women are so amazing! you each give me hope. WTF is wrong with these idiots?! How freaking selfish can they be? Carollynn, your time table most matches mine. Isnt it unreal to realize all that was going on? I'm still in shock. I would have been less surprised if he had robbed a bank. But he is trying now and I am sick of being a bitch so we'll see....meantime, Shawn, I can't thank you enough for your blog. You are helping so many of us!

Question for all of you smart much do you think booze plays a part in affairs? Just as you can't have an affair without lies, can you have one sober? Just wondering your thoughts

many thanks to all,


Anonymous said...

Alcohol was a HUGE part of my husband's affair. He met the BW in a BAR! After his affair started his consumption sky rocketed. A way of drowning the guilt?

Kate said...

Yes. My wh drank a ridiculous amount during his affair. Claims he was out of his mind. I think he was self medicating some depression with the booze, affair, non engagement with the family. I believe he was seriously f-ed up and he is just now coming out of it. Pathetic mess. All of them. A bunch of weaklings.

Erica said...

Shawn - Thanks for your compassion. I so appreciate it. Yes, my H was a selfish SOB for 6 months. The formerly "nicest guy you'll ever meet" (sooooo many people describe him this way, he works with the homeless population & people with schizophrenia, for goodness sake!) was a big-time a-hole for 6 months. Like Kate here said, I too would have been less surprised if he had robbed a bank! (Got a chuckle from that... thanks, Kate!)

Now my H is doing everything possible to make amends, tells me every day that he loves me & our family and wants this to work. We do A TON of therapy (me once a week, him twice a week, the two of us together once a week) and I think that has saved our lives (in my case, almost literally). We talk & talk & talk and often about the 'ugly' stuff in the hopes to get to some pretty stuff. The past 21 months (easy for me to remember because that's the age of my babes) has been tough and continues to be tough. And, yes, we're ALL tough cookies for working through this mess.

Jules said...

Hey Shawn!
As always you post sounds like I could have written it! All of us survivors are tough cookies! Hope you are well, sorry to say I haven't stopped by or blogged in a while. Going through some tough stuff at the moment. If you have a minute send me some good vibes, and of course I am always sending you my best.


shawn thewife said...

Kate: That is a great question! As for Richard, he was always drinking when he was with Jaymie to take the edge off. He told me he was very nervous, not too specific as to why. Guess that's another question I'll have to ask!

I never noticed him drinking more at home. I never noticed a damn thing different at home. I was clueless.
Which could be another discussion entirely!
How many of you totally missed all the Red Flags?
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Carollynn: Welcome. None of us wanna be here, but we are grateful not to be alone. There are a whole bunch of wonderful people here. It never ceases to amaze me how cyber space became my salvation!
You're WH sounds like a real piece of work. His betrayals are quite excessive! None are worse than others. All damage equally. However, in my opinion, trickle truth is the effing worst!
There are two great online support forums you should visit, too. Check my homepage, at the bottom, under support & compassion.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I totally missed all the red flag AND was convinced that no matter how complacent we'd gotten, he'd never cheat because his moral compass was so reliant. Hah! Guess I missed that one!

Erica said...

I noticed that my normally-humble H seemed kind of arrogant around that time but I thought it was some weird compensation for all the upcoming changes in our lives (us expecting twins, him finishing his PhD & embarking on the always-brutal academic job market, me having a very stressful job, us figuring out where to live, etc.). I did have an uncomfortable, uneasy feeling a lot of the time and, in fact, one night (less than a month before DDay) I actually had a dream that he was having an affair! I told him about it and his response was "with whom?" I thought that was really, really weird but I didn't probe and chalking the whole thing up to pregnancy...I'd read that a lot of pregnant women have that dream because they're feeling vulnerable & their lives are about to change... and maybe because it would be any pregnant woman's worst nightmare!!! In any case, looking back I can see that he was being really weird & distant... and my dream was the Big Red Flag I just couldn't face at the time.

Anonymous said...

YES!!! : re the dream thing. A few very strange dreams in the months pre-dday and then post-dday one VERY STRANGE dream which in retrospect was probably my subconscious screaming about feeling like I wasn't getting the whole story...which as things unfolded, turned out to be correct. Can so relate to realizing now the signs were there...I just had never conceived that I should be looking for them.

shawn thewife said...

(((Jules))) Hate to hear you're struggling. If you need someone to rant to, I'm your girl! Just email me from my profile page or feel free to post it all right here.
You're among friends! Let it rip!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I missed all the red flags: Started doing his own laundry after returning from out of town business trips (Great, he's being so helpful!) Shaved off all his pubic hair (Wow, this is a nice change)Credit card billing address changed to his work (easier for expense account reporting) Became very critical of me and our kids (he's stressed) Away from home more due to work (I need to be a supportive corporate wife and not nag)Bought new socks and underwear (he forgot to pack them for a trip)Suddenly decided after 5 yrs that the minor umbilical hernia he had needed to be fixed. Became weird about me driving his car (safety reasons) Wallet, breifcase and phone no longer left in usual places. Said he had conversations with me that I knew he hadn't. Several times he'd open up the fridge and ask "Where's that @$%^ I bought the other day?" I did the grocery shopping and never bought those items. What finally made me put the pieces together: sex. He no longer wanted it (he ALWAYS wanted it) and got angry when I insisted. Yep, I missed the red flashing sirens.

SusanR said...

LOL on the sex. I always wanted sex and he never did. I should have known he was getting it elsewhere. Duh.

Trace from Oz said...

Erica all that you have said makes perfect sense to me. I thought I had the nicest guy & everyone felt the same...then my whole world came crashing down. I too now look back and see the red flags, but you think 'it will never happen to me'. Now I just feel like a figment of my former self. I use to so happy, bubbly, loved life, now Im struggling to get through each week, keep everyone together, kids organised, let alone look after my own mental wellbeing. Now a year after the affair I now feel at times worse and emotionally spent than when I was going thru all the raw details...I hope time does the moment it is certainly an uphill battle.

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Trace: I started this blog a little over a year after Richard's affair. I was still in such turmoil. This blog was a last ditch attempt to pull myself up.
Then, I found The Healing Heart.
The people on that message board helped put me back together and they gave me a map so I could find my own road to happy.
There is a new board, too. After the Betrayal started by another betrayed blogger. It is also filled with compassion and support.
You can come here, too. Read about my crazy experience. I'll bet a lot of it sounds familiar. It helped me so much to surround myself with others that had walked the road before me.
Ask anything. Email me privately from my profile page. Check out the Healing Heart. Time is the best friend we have, but we gotta do the work, too.
We gotta wanna be happy. We gotta strive for it.
You'll get there! We'll walk the road with you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Mark said...

It is finally so refreshing to read that people think like I do. my DD was in June 2010. We were married 34 yrs. She had an affair with her high school sweetheart. Its not just the lies and deception prior to but after also. After a week when she and he had got out to eat, stayed in a motel for the entire night that she said, its time to move on so we can spend the rest of our lives happy. She would tell me none of the story, I didn't want to hear the sexual aspects. Then six months later I got a letter from her saying she would not talk about him and her ever again.
Our anniversary was June 6, our children and their families were at our house and she was gone most of the day. When I started checking emails, they had emailed 176 times that day. It lasted til 1:30 in the morning. She didn't even say 176 words to our kids and myself that day.
So much more, so much more agnony, so much more depression and not caring, I think, any more.I know she still loves him. It doesn't get any better.

shawn thewife said...

Mark: I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I had more time to write, but I'm helping out Santa today so I gotta get moving!

Please try to believe these two things:
You did nothing wrong. AND
You will get through this.

Your WW must be willing to be fully honest and have no contact with the OM for healing to begin.
Until then, you should try the 180. Please go to the Healing Heart support forum. The link is at the bottom of my blog. Search for the 180 and read it. It will help you find a place of strength during this horrific ordeal. It can help you feel more in control of your own happiness.

You can also email me privately at:

You will get through this. You will heal when you find the right path on your Road to Happy.
You're not alone. We care.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn