After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

You Can't Scare Me

Halloween!  Time for all things spooky, scary, frightening and morbid!'s gonna take more than a rotting zombie, a blood sucking vampire or puke spewing possessed little girl with her head on backwards to phase me!
I'm hard core.  I'm a betrayed wife.

You can't scare me with mere decapitations or amputations executed by a lunatic in a battered hockey mask wielding a rusted machete.  I scoff at flying limbs.
Bring on the most antagonistic poltergeist!  Apparitions combined with lightening, fog, rattling chains and eerie organ music will never give me pause.
I survived infidelity.  I think I can handle lizard like aliens leaping out of intestinal tracts.

BEWARE!!!  I'm gonna share a REAL scary picture with you.  It was taken 10/31/10.
This poor woman had been transformed by mental torture so severe, only 2 short weeks after her heart had been ripped from her chest, she was totally brainwashed into believing Richard, the Liar, her husband that pledged to love her and only her forever.  Wicked Richard, the Liar, told her there were no more secrets, no more shocking revelations to cause her additional agony.  The Liar spun his tale of confession.  The story was that he had shared everything about his affair with a scrawny evil witch named Jaymie and he was beyond remorseful.
In her delusional state, she had come to nearly worship the man that cut out her heart.  Note how in her fool's paradise of denial she clings to the dastardly and deceptive victimizer, smiling all the while!
Shocking!  Alarming! The most outrageous scene in 30 years of marriage!

                                              OH,  THE  HUMANITY!

Are you scared yet??  Are you shaking uncontrollably??  You should be HORRIFIED!!

Not to worry, she cast off the bondage of delusional thought when she found the hidden letters that revealed Richard was truly in love with the evil witch.  She grew stronger through her discovery and waged a great war against Richard the Liar.  Although she was admittedly, stark raving mad for over a year, she persevered and is now firmly on the path to happy ever after.

Now you know why I'll never be scared by anything Freddy Krueger can dish out.
Happy Halloween, my frightful fiends!!
I hope you are gifted with far more Treats than Tricks!


Eat My Scabs said...

truly freaky! gotta love halloween!

Inflicted said...

I absolutely love your writing style. How you've kept your sense of humor I'm sure is what's gotten you through this. I too am a betrayed wife and have kept a blog. I found your blog just a few months ago and have been addicted ever since. I hope you make this horrible story into book and make a zillion dollars! Especially because I know there WILL be a happy ending. You own "happy ever after".

Hugs and strength to you always.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your posts in order for the past few days and have found that there are so many parallel thoughts and emotions with my own story. My Dday was May 23, 2012, just over 5 months ago. I found emails on my WH's mobile device while he was out of town…with OW! Over the last few years, he hiked the entire length of the Appalachian Trail, most of it with HER! He also is an avid bike rider, and took OW on week-long bike rides with him. He also took her on, get this!: Church mission trips out of the country with him! Yes, the all around, upstanding Christian do-gooder, took his mistress as a "valuable" interpreter! She also has a connection to our family, as she is our son's ex mother-in-law. We have a 14 yr. old granddaughter in common. So we have both known her for about 15 years. He said he started corresponding with her when our gd was a young child. She had been in an auto accident, and, due to our son's divorce, he tried to keep in touch about our gd, whom we seldom saw. He didn't tell me about the contact because he knew I didn't like her! Wasn't that convenient! The PA started at least 5 years ago, according to the emails; he says he doesn't remember. A couple of weeks after Dday, when I had ordered him out of the house, he admitted to me he had had two previous PAs, the first one 35 years ago! We have been married for 49 years. He will be 70 this December. Pathetic, isn't it? He broke it off with the most recent OW, but actually was still friends with the middle AP, and wanted to be allowed to keep her in his contacts, if you can believe that! I insisted he purge contact list, change phone #, email address, etc. He agreed, somewhat reluctantly though. He is back home and we are in therapy, together and separately with a wonderful Christian counselor. He is trying to be helpful and cooperative for my healing, but he is so slow to respond, it is causing me longer lasting pain. I've told him he MUST get rid of the car he drove her around the country in ( I think of it at the slutmobile!), And in which i found her earrings in a few months before Dday. She rode in it way more than I ever did! He really balked at this, but I told him that was a deal breaker and I would not give in, so we've been looking at cars for a month or so and he just drags his feet. I don't care what he BUYS, but I care that he gets RID of the sMobile. This is reading like a book, guess I need to get my own blog, but just wanted to share some of my story and thank you, Shawn, for giving a voice to so many of us out here in the same boat…the Titanic!
Thanks for listening,

Anonymous said...

Hi. I came across your posts last week and read them all the same day. I am sorry for the pain that you went through and looks as though you are still going through. I hope that other women who may be going through the same thing will take your post as a "What not to do" in this situation. I actually feel sorry for your husband and even more for the OW. What "HE" did was absolutely with out a doubt wrong. What you did was inexcusable, cruel and a little terroristic. Then to bring her father in to the mix. Why, would you do that to an innocent man? Why would you want to hurt more people? You seem to be a very very selfish person. I know it may be taboo for a women to stop and ask herself "what did I do wrong to make him cheat". But, you may want to visit that question. You became obsessed with OW and facts of the affair. From what I have read it looks like your husband was deeply in love with OW, as she was with him. One never forgets that kind of love.

Anonymous said...

As an addendum to my previous post, I discovered some more old emails on WH's phone yesterday. Sure enough, it was there in black and white! Another affair! He had previously told me , in a blatant lie, that this woman I saw in a bunch of pictures with him on the AT, had NOT been an AP, but just somebody he met & hiked with. I still had some doubts, but I thought, Why would he lie, when he had told me about the other two? How would that serve him at this point? So, naively, I let him off the hook on that one. The email she sent him was complaining that he seemed distant or something like that and she would be sad for him to end it because " no one will ever love you like I do!" Such tripe! Two other emails I found were from #2 AP. She was making plans to meet him at the end of one of his hiking trips in Maine and spend a few days together. This affair he told me had ended over twenty years ago! This was the same year, 2010, that he was having A with #3 & 4! It all just sickens me! This find set me back completely to my Dday inMay of this year. All progress is negated; it's back to square one! What is the matter with these men who treat us like dirt, without any consideration for our (BS) feelings. He told me in June he was miserable without me, couldn't eat or sleep, etc. etc. so I let him come back home so we could work on R. We've been in MC and both in IC. He told the lie about #4 in front of our counselor, to me. We went to counselor yesterday and he told C that he was "tired", meaning he was tired of processing my pain and he thinks I'm digging up "ancient history"! I was livid! I really let him have it in the counselors office! I made the app. to go there so I wouldn't do him grievous physical harm! So where do I go from here? I feel so hopeless.... Sorry for the long post...should go to the forum.

kris said...

guess you're gonna have to not let "anonymous" posters comment...after reading Anonymous #2, my thinking is she has never been thru this,she feels sorry for the cheating bastard (sorry Shawn) and his little girl mistress?? WHAT? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but maybe she needs a taste of it, huh?? That pisses me off.... i bet she is "the other woman" in her situation....

Cath said...

Hi Shawn,
I've been reading you post since yesturday. I found out august 19th 2012 that my husband was cheating on me for the past 3 years with his sister's best friend. I never seen it coming. I found a conversation on skype of the two of them. And my live's been a rollercoaster ever since. We have two wonderful boys, 3 and 5 years old. Last night i was so angry at everything and thank God I found your plogs. I feel less alone. Thank you!

Erica said...

To Anonymous #2 - Shawn is sharing the good, the bad, the ugly... and we all have that in our lives. Shawn's point, if you've read her other posts, is that she went a bit bonkers following the discovery of her husband's affair. Those of us who have been cheated on can relate... it's a bonkers-producing event! (One could say it's bonkers for people to cheat in the first place, especially because no one "makes" another cheat.) Please, unless you have walked in someone else's exact shoes, please refrain from judging. Selfish people do not share with the type of openness & honesty Shawn displays.

shawn thewife said...

To ANONYMOUS that thinks I was "Terroristic":
I was merely a soldier on a mission, not a terrorist. The mission was to gain intel that would help me get past the pain directly caused by Richard & Jaymie. They were my main targets. Granted, there was collateral damage, some of which I wish I could take back, but Jaymie's dad is NOT one of those I wish to do-over.

You also accuse me of being "selfish"...VERY, VERY selfish, to be more precise. I really wish you'd come back and comment as a real person so I could debate that point, too. But, I'd bet hell will freeze over first and then we can all ice skate to confession together.

I was obsessed with the answers I thought Jaymie could provide, not with her. In that, I was deeply wrong, ignorant even. There was not a damn thing she could have told me about the time she spent with Richard that would have made me heal any faster. To heal faster I needed to learn that she was irrelevant, to me and to Richard. She could have been anybody, any young, naive girl willing to fuck my husband for a few pretty words and an emerald bracelet.

About your "Taboo" question..for far too long after DDay I struggled with the answer. Now I know the answer and I want you to remember it!
I could have been a Stepford wife, the best cook, the hottest lover, the biggest doormat any man ever met and Richard would have cheated anyway!!! It isn't about the betrayed! Even if I was the world's most evil wife Richard should have come to me first!! Talked to me about his needs...Or just left me before he slid his hands up Jaymie's skirt and slipped hundred dollar bills in her bra!
I did nothing wrong. He holds all the blame here.

That said, (and I sure as hell hope I said it loud and clear) my story is about what happened and how I now know I made a lot of mistakes. Maybe others that read my story might learn from those errors. The errors I refer to only effect how I began to heal. I couldn't give a rat's ass that I made Jaymie's life damn uncomfortable for a year. She deserved it all. I also don't care that I raked Richard over the coals. No way either of them will ever feel the agony I lived with.
I ONLY care that I could have been happier quicker if I had known then what I know now and in that regard...YES...I am selfish.

I always welcome open debate so feel free to share your opinion anytime.

Kate said...


I may be out there on this one, but do you think that Anonymous Bitch could actually be Jaymie the Whore? Is there any tracker-thing you have on your blog?

Allow me?

Hey Whore,
Haven't you done enough
damage to people? Still at it, I see. You are calling
Shawn selfish?? You were kidding, right? A young slut like you could have laid any guy your age, but you
chose to break up a family, destroy kids lives,and go after another woman's husband. What are you?With the Red Cross? That's OK. Karma is a bitch babe, and you
are surely going to get yours. Its coming....already in the pipes...
and when it comes it is going to crumble your selfish
world into dust. How will that happen? Only Karma
knows. And there will be an extra punch in it for coming onto Shawn's blog.

And just another FYI....he NEVER
loved you. Yeah, yeah, he said it, but that's what men do to screw women. Stupid ones believe them. All
those emails and texts to you were just foreplay so you'd give him
better sex later on. Feeling stupid? That's because
you are.

"One never forgets a love like that." Hilarious. He forgot
about you the moment you stopped
putting out. Are you getting this? He used you, darling. That's what affairs are. Men use women to feel better
about themselves and have ejaculations. All that sappy love talk just makes you perform like the circus monkey
you are.. If he loved you, you'd be with him now.
No ring? Right.....Shawn has the ring.

Now get the fuck out of here.

All the women on this planet

Anonymous said...

Kate and Shawn the Wife. Couldn't have said it better! Ditto, ditto, right on, hit the nail on the head, you go girl, wow.

shawn thewife said...

Inflicted: Humor is my body armor. Sarcasm and cynicism have always played a role in my personality, but believe it or not...I used to be the world's BIGGEST PollyAnna! I am hopeful that as time passes, I find my way back to eternal optimism! That would most certainly have to be a part of my happy ever after.
A book? A few readers have suggested that. I just don't see it. I'd be up for a movie! Richard suggested to Jaymie in an email that a movie should be made about their love story. He thought Michael Douglas would play him and Olivia Wilde would be her....GAG! Mmmmm...who would play me?? I would INSIST on a female director! LOL!
Thank you for your positive thoughts.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

(((Cath))) So sorry you're going through this trauma. The beginning is so confusing and there are so many emotions it is nearly impossible to process alone.
We know your pain and want to help you through it. Please go to the support forums listed at the bottom of my homepage...The Healing Heart & After the Betrayal. These message boards are full of others with experience managing the pain and surviving successfully. It is possible to come out stronger on the other side, but you will need help.
Remember this...NONE of this is your fault. NONE.
I hope your WH is remorseful and doing all he can to help you heal.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

((Dottie)): So glad your WH is in IC. This is all about him and his issues. You did nothing wrong.
The fact that you are in MC means it isn't hopeless. If your WH is willing to do the very hard work to find out why he cheats, your marriage can become stronger.
This is a very long and difficult road. You will find much needed support on the two message boards listed at the bottom of my homepage. Please use them! Sometimes just pounding on your keyboard typing out a post is VERY cathartic!! You'll find loads of compassionate people there.
Take good care of yourself. You will get through this.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kris & Erica: I wanted to respond to my anonymous detractor since the minute I read the comment, but I have been uber-busy at work.
Thanks for having my back!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kate!!!! LMAO!!
I sincerely doubt Jaymie would come back and read any of this. Why would she want to subject herself to a story that shatters her illusions?
She does know it's here. Her dad might know about it too for all I know. Maybe even her boyfriend, Kevin. I haven't told that part of the story yet.
Whatever. They can all read and comment until their fingers bleed from typing! The truth is my friend. As I tell the story of Richard's & Jaymie's sins, I confess my own. Jaymie should try it. It is extraordinarily liberating!!
Thanks for the HUGE belly laugh! I love my passionate readers!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Kate said...

Well, one thing is for sure....that bitch ain't no betrayed wife. I'm not totally convinced it's not Jaymie. I am sure she is crazy- jealous of you, and maybe it makes her sorry ass feel better to read your blog out loud to her stupid little friends and scream obscenities about you. I think she was tipping her anonymous hand by feeling sorry for the dad, Richard, herself, and then ripping on you. However, it could be another OW too. We can never get into the minds of those home wrecking whores and figure out why they do what they do, or why they would visit and comment on a site of their anti-world.....

Love to you Shawn and all you sisters!



Anonymous said...

I appreciate you, and your story. I am a month post Dday of finding a three month mostly emotional affair yet as devastating as any other story out there. A betrayal is a betrayal. For the other Anonymous to type what she typed, there is no possible way she could have ever been what we have been through. The bottom line is what you have said over and over: an affair is not about the betrayed, it's about the betrayer. You are exactly right, even if you were the world's biggest bitch, let him come to you and work it out, not just say F it, and cheat on you. My H happened to tell me upon discovery, you did nothing wrong, it's me, you're perfect, I need someone to get in my head and figure me out. Although I am not perfect, that confession right there hit the nail on the head, and happens to be the most frustrating piece of an affair: the betrayed has ZERO control over any of this. So, the one who causes the hurt, still has control! And, the perception of people who know both parties might be, oooh, I wonder if he cheated on her because she's a big giant bitch....So, the one who causes the hurt, keeps the control, and may be viewed as freaking JUSTIFIED! So Anonymous who wrote that incredibly judgmental post to Shawn, a big huge middle finger to you! Whatever Shawn's reaction was, right or wrong, SHE'S ENTITLED!!!!!!!!!!! And for you to write those things, you can NEVER understand the pain involved in a betrayal unless it has been done to YOU! I read somewhere the only thing more traumatizing to a human being is the death of their child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you even imagine??????

XO, healing and piece to you Shawn and all others who have been through this. I think your blog is admirable, brave and selfless. You are putting all your crap out there to help others. [standing ovation, my friend]

Anonymous said...

Ladies stop fighting..doesnt behove us..this is not about the other woman at all.

I doubt it whether jaymie was richard's first affair.if i remember she is in her 20's and Rin his 60's..not that jaymie is innocent but if it was our 20 + something daughter in a relationship with a 60 yr old man what would her father do..go and knock that man senseless because HE should have known better .After all, he was the one wearing the so called ring.

And i dont think we betrayed wives should be waving our rings as a badge of honor.We make it out as if we won because our husbands dropped the OW and chose to be with us.Really?I mean really?

We may think they are a prize catch but what we are really left with is a lying cheating fucktard whereas the so called "circus monkey" gets to walk away to find a partner who would be true to her and we wives are stuck with a man who uses "sappy love talk" to empty his "ejaculations" into a "circus monkey" who he thinks is "stupid"..and yes of course as you put it ..his RING.

And here we are blogging about it all when the jaymies of the world move on to other partners.

Are our RINGS really worth all this?

Anonymous said...

Last anonymous who asked are our rings worth was probably rhetorical but I'm going to answer you. That really is not the point. I made a commitment in front of God and man and at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror and my kids' faces and answer the question, when it gets to the worst part of the better or worse, do I hightail it and run? And having now been through my H cheating, I can tell you I've arrived at the worst thus far, and it's pretty damn bad, but I'm not going to hightail it and run. It's not about how you feel. Marriage, love and the commitment that go with it all - it is a conscious choice, not a feeling. If I went by how I felt I would've divorced my H about 187 times in the last 12 years. I'm in. All in, despite the shit. I learned a lot about myself in the last month, and mostly, I never thought I could take a betrayal, it would be a deal breaker. It's not. I will never leave him. But that doesn't mean he can do whatever the hell he wants and treat me however he wants. He has some work to do.

I think Richard has also shown Shawn, I'm in. Shawn, let's face it, you became one crazy lady in the process, and who could blame you! I think Richard owned his mistake and went along with whatever you did in part because he realized how much he hurt you. It's very comforting to know you can have an ultimate betrayal and still make it work. I see you two as the couple in their 80's dancing at someone's wedding and people saying, look how cute, how much they love each other. Little do they know... I think there are many couples out there like that. We can get through this. It's not easy but neither is divorce. In fact, I think divorce is harder. Again, I applaud you Shawn. Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad it's helping you as much as it's helping us.

Anonymous said...

yes most definitely ..i completely agree with you that divorce is harder..much much harder .and thats why we stay even after all the vows have been broken..and thats also why our cheating husbands leave the OW and come back home with their tail between their legs.

Please lets not delude ourselves about love and commitment.Were we in our 20's would we have stayed ..i doubt.Today if we did not have children would we have stayed..I doubt..or if we were financially independent ?..Even now if we had a man who was honest and truthful and good and who loved us and was waiting to marry us the day we signed our divorce papers how many of us would stay with someone who values us so little?

As about their words of love to the OW being said only to get into their pants i agree.. i also know that the words of love uttered to us by the husbands once they are caught cheating are also said just to get back into our homes.

They also like the status quo as much as we do.

I probably would have some semblance of respect for the man whowent and married the OW.But no..most of them dont because they also know that jaymies of the world dont make good wives..only we do.

I doubt if that speaks well for us !!!!

Yes we stay back..we may say its for the church or the vows or the children or family or the lifestyle or money or habit or peace or fearof change or loneliness or whatever..but love?

We stay back for whatever reason which is fine..its all a matter of what we want out of life..but to say its love? do we value ourselves so little that we love someone who cheats us?

Would we enter into a business deal with someone again if once he has cheated us out of our money..NO.

We stay back with our husbands ..which is fine,,but please lets not call it love.

Our husbands are never going to be the honest one in this marriage least thats the least we can be..honest to reality and honest with ourselves.

shawn thewife said...

All of our stories are as convoluted as they are painful. In my experience, and I can only speak from what I've learned, our emotions after DDay are almost hard-wired. Most of us react in much the same way even when the details of the affairs & the behavior of our wayward spouses are wildly unique.
That said, I had always believed if Richard cheated, I'd have his bags packed and tossed down the driveway before he ever knew what hit him. You know how that went. This truly needs an entire post to explain, but suffice it to say....there were two main reasons OTHER than Richard's remorse that kept us together. First, even though I believe I will never trust him again, not like before, I can't imagine I'd ever trust any man. Richard took that from me. Second, the pain I felt on DDay was so intense, it could only mean I loved him much more than i wanted to admit. I hadn't acknowledged the depth of that love for years. I took it for granted. You don't feel that kind of pain when you are betrayed by someone you don't give a shit about. You can only be hurt by the ones you love.
Oh, crap. Those are song lyrics, right?
Lame. Sorry!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi. Me again, "Anonymous" the one that has everyone on here so riled up. Hopefully, you can now understand why I choice to comment anonymously. Don't need anyone hunting me down.

So, here is my story. My husband cheated on me during my pregnancy. I found out in my 7th month. We had been together 7 years, high school sweethearts. I blamed him and only him. She owed me nothing, she was nobody to me. I walked away with my dignity, my beautiful daughter and I never looked back. It was his loss not mine. I thought about my daughter during that time. I didn't want her growing up in a home where there was no trust, no love or by a women who could forgive a man for cheating on her. That was 20 years ago, I was 23 years old at the time. The girl he cheated with eventually became his second wife. It never once occurred to me to attack her or her family. Believing in myself, the fact that my daughter and I deserved better was my strength. The very last thing I wanted to know was when and where they did their things or what he bought her. I didn't need to know those things to know I didn't want to be with this man anymore. I protected myself and my sanity by being strong and moving forward. Being a women who is cheated on should never become a "sisterhood". We should never compliment this behavior because "he/she" deserved it. The cheating alone is degrading, why do more damage to yourself.

When my daughter turned 10 I meet the man of my dreams. I never gave up on Love and I never gave up on myself. Because that is what you are doing when you let "them" steal your joy, your life and your sanity. You are giving up on yourself.

If this happens to you, think ahead. Don't react in the moment. DON'T make your situation worse if your true intentions are to make it work out. If there to not work it out dont add to your pain.

And, HELL NO you are not alone. This happens every single day to the best of us. And, we all survive it. We ALL survive it!! Its the road to survival that matters. So choose the right road, choose to be strong, to love yourself more than he did.

Shawn you need to get rid of everything that reminds you of this situation. Only then will you begin to heal. You have done yourself far more damage than he did.

In closing, I will tell you this, if Jayme was my daughter your story would have stopped the day you knocked on my door. Keep that in mind.

Be strong, Be confident Ladies. Don't ever let any man break you. Peace and strength to you all.

Cath said...

Hello Shawn,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to reply. I will check out the support forum for sure.
Hugs, Cath!

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Judgmental Anonymous! Welcome back!
Glad you shared your story. I think I may understand your position now.
You experienced (I won't say suffered because you don't feel that you did) infidelity when very young. You took your daughter and started over. Very brave.
Do I think that makes you stronger than me? Not a bit.
My kids are old enough to feel the loss of their father, so leaving might have been easier...but it would have been the selfish route for me.
Did I make things much harder on myself by letting my anger run amok? Probably. Did I know any better? Nope. I didn't read the manual. Do I think I let them "Steal" my joy? That shipped sailed they day they discarded their moral compasses and began the affair.

You'll have to clarify what you mean about the story ending if Jaymie were your sleaze ball skank of a daughter. Keep what in mind? I don't get it.

Here's what I really wanna know! If you truly walked away and NEVER looked back...what in the hell are you doing reading blogs about infidelity? You must have better things to do.
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much about being the ultimate Toughie Pants!

Anyway...Thanks for coming back! Stick around. I never hate an objectionable opinion. It keeps things interesting.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn is entitled to her feelings and i can appreciate why she went knocking on jaymie's and her father's door to have it out.

But on the other hand had jaymie been my misguided kid before the wife came knocking at my door i would have gone and bashed the man who was old enough to nearly be her grandfather and had sex with her and told her he loved her.

Anonymous said...

"Me again"

Nope, no "toughie pants" here. I just made a decision and stuck to it.

All I am saying is that if your going to stay in your marriage then do it for the right reasons. Not to punish him forever or to create bigger issues. What you did was to try to break your husband down, and if you think your kids are not as effected by that as they would be him leaving.... your wrong.

If your true intentions were to "not be selfish" and make your marriage work then you should have just forgave him, tried as hard as you could to forget what you knew, and moved forward. You even tried to blame his friends or partners for not stopping him.

It just seems like your intentions here were to inflict as much pain and humiliation upon your husband as possible. Your still doing that with your posts and name calling.

Im not even clear at this point if y'all are still together or not. Its been 2 years.

Suffer? You want to talk about suffering. This was my second pregnant. My first, 12 months earlier, ended in a full term stillbirth (umbilical cord obstruction) and a funeral. I was on cloud nine being pregnant again and very hopeful. I delivered my daughter alone and I took her home alone. Yes, I spent many nights wondering why and crying. Brave? No, what I did was not an act of bravery. It was an act of survival. I made a decision and stuck to it.

I'm not Braver, Stronger or Smarter than any of you. This is just what I did to survive. I didn't let his lack of judgment and respect for me define who I am. I didn't let it control or consume me either.

If you would have knocked on my door to confront me about what my daughter did with your husband. I would have done whatever necessary to stop you from continuing your harassment. Its 100% clear to me that this girl was completely vulnerable. Especially when she agreed to meet you and him. YOU took as much advantage of her as he did.

A client of mine told me about your blog and how it "inspired" her to seek "revenge" and get even. That is how I came across your blog.

I guess I'm just trying to do my part to let women know that there is another way if you choose to leave. I'm not saying its the right way or the better way. Its just what I did.

Every situation that you are in is only as hard as you make it. Dealing with an affair, a Divorce, a marriage, you control it by how you deal with it.

To: Kate


that's all, just Wow.

Anonymous said...

To "Me Again" aka Anonymous,

As I read your posts, what strikes me is...hummmm how did you find this blog? If you have truly moved on and need no "sisterhood" then why post comments?

It takes a village....

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Me again:
Gonna try to address each point you made in sequence, but first, let me say how very sorry I am for the loss of your child. Such a tragedy. I did not stay in the marriage to punish Richard. The ultimate punishment would have been to divorce him. Which is why I asked him for a divorce. THAT was to punish him. THAT was stupid.
About his friends & blame:
I blame his friends for not trying HARDER to stop him, for enabling his bad behavior. In their lack of action, they proved to me that they are NO friends of mine.

Intentions?? Had lots of those, but you know what they say about the road to hell, right? It is paved with good intentions.
My intentions were illogical. After DDay, I lived in Crazy Town for a long time. Nothing was clearly thought out. I truly believed in my confusion that if I got Jaymie to talk to me, to answer all my questions, I could fix it. I could fix Richard and heal myself.
That didn't really work out for me.

Your client:
I do feel badly that your client doesn't seem to grasp the main theme of my blog, which is - This is what I did after DDay, but I don't recommend it. Revenge might feel good for a minute or two, but you can NEVER hurt them the way they hurt you, so why bother trying?
However, do I feel sorry for anything I brought down on Jaymie?? Not one little bit. You think I "took advantage" of her?? REALLY? This is where you and I truly part company!! She made the choice to sleep with MY husband, to take money from MY husband, to endanger the futures of MY children.
To be blunt: Fuck her and the whore-bag horse she road in on. I will never contact her again. I never want to see her again. She's dead to me, but Karma is bitch and when it sucks her dry I hope God lets me watch.

I do agree with the concept - Every situation is what we make of it, how we act in the moment. But when it comes to infidelity, betrayed spouses are thrust into crisis mode where Re-Acting is the norm.
Not all of us can be as level headed as you.
Please don't be too disappointed in us.
Have a good weekend. Shawn

Erica said...

The topic of karma has come up a number of times in this blog (and in my mind). I don't plot revenge on my H's OW but I do hope the Karma Gods do their thing. Curious what others think. Is this just wishful thinking or does anyone out there believe karma really happens? I'm feeling slightly scientific tonight... any evidence of karma out there?

shawn thewife said...

Erica: You were in some serious deep thought yesterday! I like it.
My answer to your opinion is we all get what's coming to us sooner or later. Some believe it happens in this life, some believe it happens in our next one. Bible Thumpers think that Hell is where the real payback occurs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If Newton's theory of motion holds true for behavior as well, then there must surely be a Law of Karma. It's all about cause & effect.
The Bible tells us, "As ye sow, so also shall ye reap." There's also the reminder of "An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth, Life for a Life."
Or, in more current vernacular...You're gonna get what's comin' to ya.
Did I dive too deep into the philosophical pool?? Sorry.
In short, even though I figure there's some nasty karma waiting me for down the road due to my year spent in Crazy Town, I'll take my licks if that means Jaymie will get hers.

And before "Me Again" gets carried away, I know my continuing anger towards Jaymie just SCREAMS I'm not over it yet. But, I assure you, my warped little brain has a system that works for me. I can compartmentalize my disdain for the little bitch while truly not wasting an ounce of my positive healing energy doing so. For now, it works.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Then is it KARMA that we got cheated on?.our bad KARMA?

jaymie will get whats due to her, but why did we get what happened to us?

shawn thewife said...

Where's the Dalai Lama when you need him?

Bad things happen to good people every damn day. Millions of people in horrific circumstances ask God, "Why me, Lord?" knowing full well there is no answer.

I've agonized over why Richard cheated, but not why this happened to me, why I deserved such pain. I guess it's more like a Why Not Me situation. Or..if it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody!

I'm in no position to lecture on the meaning of life or divine retribution. I'll just share what I believe. In my heart of hearts, I think there were lessons to be learned for me, so I consider Karma a teacher as opposed to a disciplinarian. If I learn the lessons well, my marriage will become something I never imagined it could be before.
I could go on & on. I've learned so much. A post on Karma might be in order, might even earn me a little Karma capital that I can bank for the future!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Here's my two cents to all this. First of all, sorry, I don't believe in Karma. I believe that almost always, bad decisions bear negative consequences. So I think down the road, Jaymie will likely have trust or other issues that haunt her. And then, sometimes bad things happen to good people. They just do. I guess as much as I think Me Again Anonymous is a little too cut and try so it comes off judgmental, the one point I do agree with her on is, the OW should not have such an impact on us. I think it's incredibly normal for this to happen, and I think Shawn's dealings with Jaymie are extreme. But the bottom line is this, me again. You handled your situation your way, and it worked for you. Shawn is handling it her way, and it seems to be working for her now. I'm handling mine, my way, and too soon to tell but I pray multiple times daily it will work for me. There are 1000 ways to skin a cat and you may agree with some and not with others, but it is not your prerogative to say you should've done it this way or that way. Her marriage her choice. You chose to move on without looking back. No offense, you were 7 years in with a newborn. For my, I'm 17 years in with a 10 and 8 year old. Turning off a love and family switch: not an option for me. If he chose the other woman I'd have no choice, but he wants to work it out and so do I. I am so sorry about the loss of your first child and I am so sorry you went through the pain of infidelity yourself. But in that regard, you should be more understanding and know the terrible emotions that go with it. Honestly? Not to shrink you or anything, but I think the one thing we all lack in this situation is control, so you just took FULL control of the situation and kicked him to the curb, and that is how you CHOSE to deal with it. You didn't want to teach your daughter it's ok to tolerate cheating. I want to teach my children forgiveness and commitment. It's all about perspective and you are entitled to your opinion but you don't need to ram it down our throats. And although I do feel a connection with these women it's one I wish I did not have, trust me. But Shawn and others' perspective (not judgement) have really helped me in a time when I feel utterly alone. And her blog made me laugh when I needed one. I am so glad you are happy now with the man of your dreams. I married mine, he strayed, and I'm trying to get him back. If it doesn't work out, I may find a second one, I may not, but I'll survive either way, I do know that.

Erica said...

Like 'Me Again', my husband cheated on me during my pregnancy. Me Again found out in the 7th month. I found out 5 days before my twins' birth. I have stayed, so far, in part because I wanted to see if we could rebuild a life that my children look at and say 'wow, my parents are best friends and so in love'. I'm not going to settle for anything less, even though his cheating was MUCH, MUCH less. I don't have a timeframe per se, and I'm not a doormat for staying with a hugely remorseful person and trying to see if the dangling carrot of a better marriage are indeed true. I always called myself a feminist, went to a women's college, and always -- ALWAYS -- thought I'd leave a man if he cheated. I don't think this is eating humble pie, it's the acknowledgement that kitchens are messy when making pies and that the eventual pie may look a little weird but be delicious all the same. (The pie metaphor going too far -- I don't cook!)

And what about my dignity? Me Again cites that she walked away with her dignity. Is that *because* she walked away? I would hope that people can retain dignity through lots of situations & permutations. I even - gasp - hope that cheaters can retain dignity even though they've done pretty horrible things. Case in point -- people often remark that my H is 'H of the year' and 'a ridiculously devoted father'. I winch as the H of the Year part (if they only knew about 2 years ago!) but I realize I shouldn't forever think of him as Scumbag of the Earth. That's not fair to him, even though he was Scumbag of Aug 2010-Jan 2011 and that's a major deal. It sounds like Me Again is happy now, and that's really terrific. I hope to be terrifically happy again someday too and it will surely be with dignity.

Meimei said...

Wouldn't it be a total bitch if 'me again ' anonymous' man of her dreams cheated on her too? I wouldn't wish it on anyone.... But it would be interesting to know whether she would have a different reaction after a longer relationship with growing/grown kids and the best years of her life wrapped up in loving this man....
Just sayin'.....