After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Personal Revelations

From the beginning, when I first unraveled the mystery of how to blog last December, the main purpose of putting my fingertips to this keyboard was to encourage healing through purging, a feeble last resort to regain my sanity and happiness.  No one is more surprised than I that it appears to be working for me.  So far, it has taken me over eleven months to tell you about my life during the first three months after DDay.

Some of you may think I have been less than expedient with the total tale.  Richard has said, more than once, that the blog is becoming repetitive.  I can see that perspective, but I ain't writing this damn story for him.  I write BECAUSE of him, so he can kiss my blogging bootie.

As I search my memory for the emotions, the incidents, the confrontations, the actions, the reactions and the conversations, as I give my best effort to relate each specific component from my first year as a betrayed wife, there is almost always a personal epiphany hidden between the lines.  By the time I hit the "publish" button, I will have learned something about myself.  The revelations aren't always flattering, but they are all educational and valuable.  I am able to glean small tidbits from each post that are beginning to resemble a banquet of understanding and healing.  I'm not into meditation.  I don't seek enlightenment through religion.  Therapy always felt like a punishment.
So, I blog.

Example #1:  I've learned a substantial amount about transference.  I sent a dozen emails to Jaymie trying to get her to face me under the pretense of seeking answers that would help me heal, when what I really and truly wanted to do was squeeze Richard's nuts until they burst like ripe grapes.
That's a lesson learned!  Misdirected anger is nothing but a huge waste of energy, energy that comes at a premium when you find yourself severely depressed and possibly in shock.

Example #2:  When confronted, cheaters only confess to the bare minimum.  Trickle Truth is the norm, not the exception to the rule, and intuition is a God given self-preservation tool...utilize it!  Had I been privy to this fascinating fact, I would have saved myself additional layers of despair.  I would have girded my loins for the gradual influx of garbage that would continue to spill from Richard lying lips for weeks after DDay.

Example #3:  This one would have been a major game changer for me, and ties in with example numero dos.  The initial discovery of a cheating spouse deserves serious contemplation.  You will surely wonder how concentration of any kind can be achieved when your entire world is disintegrating.  This example of personal revelation might be intended only for those of superhuman emotional control.  As we know, that would NOT have included me, so for me it's merely a pie-in-the-sky wish, not really something I learned.  I wish I could have managed to breathe deep and pause to consider what options I had available.  There were a plethora of choices to be made.  I didn't think anything through.  Many missteps followed my visceral outbursts.  If only a calmer head had prevailed...like I said, it's a pipe dream.

So, contrary to what my critics believe, I don't blog seeking attention, I don't pour my guts into cyberspace for some sort of warped self-gratification.  This blog does not exist as a virtual wood shed to continue flogging  Richard for his behavior, I can do that quite nicely right here at home verbally, live and in person.
I blog to facilitate useful introspection needed to find my road back to happy.  These pages contain the narrative of my past as well as the map guiding me to my future.

If you have been joining me on this journey of personal revelation, you know sappy diatribe ain't my thing, so let me end with this, I hope with all of my broken but consistently mending heart that through this blog I am able to reach out to others that find themselves walking in the dark valley of infidelity.
Other betrayed spouses helped save me and I am all about payback.
The rest of my story will attest to that.


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

STW-

I love what you what you write and how you write it. Keep it up!

Erica said...

Please keep it up. The 3 blogs I go to are you, scabs, & betrayed wives' club. I've not doubt that there are other great ones out there but these 3 feel like 'friends' & girlfriends are the best medicine! THANK YOU & please keep at it!

shawn thewife said...

I gotta keep at it. I wanna finish the story, but I do worry that there will never really be a "finish" per se. Infidelity is marriage altering & life changing. If you think that through, it means telling my story could be an infinite exercise! Probably boring to most eventually, but ever evolving for me.
I hope I retain my readers. To me, you are like a fabulous glass of wine. I can get through the day without it, but I sure hope I never have to go that route!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

beingabeautifulmess said...

I blog for the same exact reasons. By the time I have finished writing down my thoughts I almost always have a different perspective than when I started.

Anonymous said...

Hi I'm a new reader ... It's been almost a year and I can't get myself to move on ... I find myself to be depressed angry and frustrated as time goes by. Please don't stop blogging.

Susan Rubinsky said...

Shawn,

You Rock! Keep posting. I don't care if it takes you 10 years to get through the first year, I want to hear it because I've been through it too. And, the truth is, the first year feels like 10 years. The second year feels like 5 years. And maybe now we're on to nuclear half lives.

Keep the spirit up!
Susan

Eat My Scabs said...

its important to road map our way back to happy. its the testament of life

Anonymous said...

Keep them coming, Shawn, whatever you write is always of help to me. Thanks for mentioning the betrayed wives club, I enjoy the people and advice on there, just like HH.

Songbird

JHi said...

I just found your blog about two weeks ago and have only made it this far. It has been five months since DDay. And your blog for me has been a life line and the only thing that has keep me from giving up already. Thank you so much Shawn for sharing your story. Don't sweat the haters. I feel sure the betrayed understand any repetition, the rollercoster doesn't stop. Your blog has helped me more than I can ever thank you.

shawn thewife said...

JHi:
I'm so glad to hear from readers that say they find a measure of comfort from my story. It does help to have the support of being around others riding the coaster from hell, too. If it wasn't for the wise people on the Healing Heart forum, I have no idea where I'd be...probably divorced and on mega-mood stabilizers!
Please know we are here for you as you work to find your path on the Road to Happy. You do not have to travel alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn