Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Some of you may think I have been less than expedient with the total tale. Richard has said, more than once, that the blog is becoming repetitive. I can see that perspective, but I ain't writing this damn story for him. I write BECAUSE of him, so he can kiss my blogging bootie.
As I search my memory for the emotions, the incidents, the confrontations, the actions, the reactions and the conversations, as I give my best effort to relate each specific component from my first year as a betrayed wife, there is almost always a personal epiphany hidden between the lines. By the time I hit the "publish" button, I will have learned something about myself. The revelations aren't always flattering, but they are all educational and valuable. I am able to glean small tidbits from each post that are beginning to resemble a banquet of understanding and healing. I'm not into meditation. I don't seek enlightenment through religion. Therapy always felt like a punishment.
So, I blog.
Example #1: I've learned a substantial amount about transference. I sent a dozen emails to Jaymie trying to get her to face me under the pretense of seeking answers that would help me heal, when what I really and truly wanted to do was squeeze Richard's nuts until they burst like ripe grapes.
That's a lesson learned! Misdirected anger is nothing but a huge waste of energy, energy that comes at a premium when you find yourself severely depressed and possibly in shock.
Example #2: When confronted, cheaters only confess to the bare minimum. Trickle Truth is the norm, not the exception to the rule, and intuition is a God given self-preservation tool...utilize it! Had I been privy to this fascinating fact, I would have saved myself additional layers of despair. I would have girded my loins for the gradual influx of garbage that would continue to spill from Richard lying lips for weeks after DDay.
Example #3: This one would have been a major game changer for me, and ties in with example numero dos. The initial discovery of a cheating spouse deserves serious contemplation. You will surely wonder how concentration of any kind can be achieved when your entire world is disintegrating. This example of personal revelation might be intended only for those of superhuman emotional control. As we know, that would NOT have included me, so for me it's merely a pie-in-the-sky wish, not really something I learned. I wish I could have managed to breathe deep and pause to consider what options I had available. There were a plethora of choices to be made. I didn't think anything through. Many missteps followed my visceral outbursts. If only a calmer head had prevailed...like I said, it's a pipe dream.
So, contrary to what my critics believe, I don't blog seeking attention, I don't pour my guts into cyberspace for some sort of warped self-gratification. This blog does not exist as a virtual wood shed to continue flogging Richard for his behavior, I can do that quite nicely right here at home verbally, live and in person.
I blog to facilitate useful introspection needed to find my road back to happy. These pages contain the narrative of my past as well as the map guiding me to my future.
If you have been joining me on this journey of personal revelation, you know sappy diatribe ain't my thing, so let me end with this, I hope with all of my broken but consistently mending heart that through this blog I am able to reach out to others that find themselves walking in the dark valley of infidelity.
Other betrayed spouses helped save me and I am all about payback.
The rest of my story will attest to that.