After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Manic Meltdown Part 1

While telling my story of lunacy after discovering Richard's infidelity, there are only a few instances that I will be able to provide you with the exact timeline, the precise date.  This post is a case in point.

The events of the day I'm about to relate were arguably me at my most imbalanced.
Oh, Holy Understatement, Batman...make that totally mental, psycho and destructive.  I know what day I flipped out,  Friday, January 28th, 108 days since DDay.  I know what time I lost my mind, very close to 10:00 am.  I also know where I took complete leave of my common sense.  The worst possible place.  Richard's office with all of his employees there to witness.  What I can't share with any certainty is WHY!  I have little recollection of what tripped my crazy trigger.  

As it was Friday, Richard and I had planned a date night.  We both had to work that day but we were able to go in a little later so we could share the ride and thus, only have one car to drive home.  Richard drove his car, the black Lexus that Jaymie had been in much more than I cared to imagine.  The plan was I would drop Richard off at his office and then head to my store to begin my work day.  I would pick him up later that afternoon and our date would commence.

Somewhere along the drive down the 15S to the 163S my madness boiled over.  It was like molten lava oozing up from the belly of the beast.  An eruption was imminent, but the timing and the force unpredictable.  I know the conversation in the car turned the switch on my composure from simmer to rapid boil, but for the life of me, I don't understand why then, what was so infuriating about that morning?  His words pushed me over the edge of self-control and yet, I can't recall many of them.

I hope I'm not making this part up.  I sort of/kind of remember talking about how it made me very sad that I couldn't go up to his office anymore.  Michelle had no interest in seeing me or even speaking with me.  I had ripped her a big, fat new one after I learned she had knowledge of Richard & Jaymie's affair and did little to put a stop to it.  (Yeah, yeah!  I know.  Not her job.  But, it made my life a tad easier to spread the blame around.)  Plus, I knew his whole staff saw it.  They all had front row seats to my husband's seduction of his baby whore.  You can surely imagine why I chose to avoid their pitying glances and whispered gossip.  Richard agreed it would be uncomfortable, but he hoped in the not too distant future, we would get back to normal.  To me, that meant, you can't go up to my office right now, which meant I was FOR SURE going up to his office right now.

Here is where the story becomes crystal clear.  With my adrenaline level off the charts,  I announced something like, "I'm going up to your office now.  I haven't seen Michelle for a while. It's time we talked."  Richard didn't think that was such a great plan.  Even though I can't be sure, I'd bet the ranch he slipped into panic mode after I declared my intent.  He protested the idea with numerous lame ass excuses, so when we were nearing his office, by Balboa Park, stopped at a light, I jumped out of the car and the meltdown was on!

I hit that sidewalk like a soldier charging into battle.  Lit a cigarette and I stormed..that's right...I STORMED 3 blocks toward his 3rd floor office.  Richard must have hauled ass to his parking spot, because he managed to catch up with me at the elevator.  He pleaded for me to be calm.  His last line of defense against this office invasion was trying to convince me that he understood my anger and he was so, so sorry.  SORRY!  I was soooo OVER that word!

Out of the elevator and straight into family law central.  Jaw and fists clenched as I rushed past the front desk, Richard right behind.  I caught a glimpse of the receptionist's face.  Obviously, she knew something was up but had yet to fathom what the issue could be.  She would grasp it all very shortly.  I was in no mood for subtleties.

As I headed for Richard's private work/Jaymie Love domain, at the end of the hall, I flew by Michelle's office and lucky for her, the door was closed which meant she was with a client.  I must have been graced by Divine Intervention because I managed a minuscule amount of restraint that prevented me from barging right on in, client be damned.

Not that the client wouldn't get an ear-full anyway.  Richard's office is just past Michelle's.  They share a common wall and as soon as I crossed the threshold into the space that had witnessed Richard and Jaymie together naked, my very loud tirade began.  Almost an out-of-body experience.  A meltdown of epic proportions that everyone in the office could hear.  Hell, probably everybody on the 3rd floor heard it and I could have cared less.


Kari said...

Oh, the manic meltdowns! I had a semi-meltdown last night. Luckily, we were at home, but there was some serious meltdown action going on. Yelling, telling my husband to leave, crying, sobbing, calling him horrible names, threatening to leave. It was all there. Ugh, it was not pretty, but I honestly felt like I had no control over it. The meltdowns just take over every rational thought and make you feel crazy. Sad thing is, I'm certain this isn't my last one. As always, thanks for sharing. I'm curious to hear the rest of the story in your next post.

Anonymous said...

During my "best" meltdown, I lost my voice for 2 days afterward from all the yelling, screaming and raging. Our dog was afraid of me for days! Our neighbors had to have heard. Ha! I laugh about now..that was 3 yrs ago. I have never been that angry before and never plan to let myself get that way again.

shawn thewife said...

((Kari)) I'm gonna share an idea with you. It helped me but not for a long time. Maybe you will be stronger than I ever was.
When you feel a meltdown coming on, when you need to rant and scream at your WH, TRY to pause, walk away and count to 50. Sometimes it works. Then again, sometimes it's OK for your WH to see your pain. He needs to understand how badly his lies have injured you. But, what doesn't help are the words shouted out of your deep anger, the horrible names and threats. Not productive.
Do I think he deserves every bit of your fury? Do I think he should have to ride the coaster right along with you? Yes. But if your goal is to save your marriage, my suggestion is count to 50. It's really hard to do, but well worth the effort.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Scared the dog?? Whoa. We may have been cut from very similar cloth!
It sounds like you are in a better place now and you've learned from the experience.
Congratulations. We'd love to hear your story. Always looking for tips from those that made it through and found the road to happy!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

It's Jules from HH!
Um, you're in San too. :)

I don't know why I feel the need to keep my meltdowns in. It's like I can't stand for my h to see me weak. I haven't melted down yet. Talks, emails, at worst an eye roll at a comment or something that hits a nerve.

I feel like he has had ZERO consequences and hence the molasses movement in behavioral changes. It's like I want him to GET IT on his own, so I know it's genuine. Most have said he will not get it unless I show him.

What is my problem? I'm starting to feel like a doormat.

shawn thewife said...

Jules: To each her own mental meltdown! If you don't show your pain to your WH, how will he know how badly he hurt you? I'm not saying you should rant and rave and hang a banner from your house declaring him a cheating bastard, but he needs to really FEEL how badly his actions have injured you and your marriage. The people that have told you that before are right on!

I can't tell you what his consequences will be, but if he does love you, he should be carrying a shit-ton of guilt. Richard practically bathed it!
Have you established any boundaries? If not, start now. You need access to his computer, his phone and he needs to let you know where he is all the time. Those are consequences of a sort.
Boundaries keep you from becoming a doormat. But, even if you decide to just roll with the Toughie Pants routine, that does NOT make you weak, never a doormat. We all handle this shit storm differently.
Keep posting on HH and seek IC & MC, if you can. Your WH should be in IC, too. He needs to figure out why he became a cheater so he NEVER does it again.
Yeah...San Diego. Great weather we're having, right??
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see how that office staff responded to your meltdown. I think what you did, needed to be done. He wasn't thinking of you in that office when he was banging that "little girl!" So, good for you to go for it. I am sorry that you were falling apart inside, however, that's never any fun, but you handled it so well.
Linda T.

Kari said...

Thanks Shawn. Will try to remind myself of the "count to 50" trick the next time! It's certainly worth a shot!

shawn thewife said...

Linda: I DID NOT handle it well at ALL! I was losing my self control, a little more everyday. That makes me nothing but weak. What good came of me going off in Richard's office?? Zippo. Did my drama show Richard how badly he hurt me? So what?? He already knew. Why did I need to make a freakin' scene to prove the point?
I was still so close to the agony of DDay I didn't know how to help myself.
I know now. Acknowledge the affair, accept it and then let it go. Focus on today. If you can't be happy today, you're doing something wrong and that wrong thing might be wallowing in the past.
I'm never going back there again and I hope I can save other betrayed spouses from beating the cheating dead horse, too.
I did nearly everything wrong. Please understand that.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kari: It will probably be the hardest thing to do ever!! But, it's worth it.
Another thing that helped me was if I was furious about something and needed to express my feelings to Richard, I'd head to my computer and email him. That way I was able to type out all the fuck-yous, you're such a miserable husband, I wish you'd leave...and then go back, re-read it, and delete the unproductive language. Then, I could send him my thoughts in a way that might just sink in. More flies with honey and all that.
It was cathartic, like beating a pillow while picturing his face!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn- The trips to crazy town truly were some of the weirdest on the roller coaster. Thanks for sharing yours. Got a question for you-How did Richard express his guilt during the time frame your trips to CT were at their peak?

I got a theory I wanna test, the info might be helpful.

Big hugs and thanks, as always, for your bravery in sharing your story in such a bold, funny, authentic way.


shawn thewife said...

MCG: If by telling my story I can make the coaster from hell slow down for someone just a little, that makes me very happy. But for your thanks, you are truly more than welcome.
Hope some of the blog makes you laugh from time to time.

Richard had different reactions at different times. Mostly, he was just so damn sad! He hated when we went through periods of my anger that meant he couldn't touch me. He got so despondent that I usually began to feel sorry for him! Can you imagine?
Even though he was not happy about me dragging others into our mess, he never told me what NOT to do. He knows me well enough to know that will probably make me do the exact opposite.
The only time he reacted with anger (not anger so much as pure frustration) was when I became downright evil towards him during MC. He used to say all he could see was hate in my eyes and then he wondered if we could ever be happy again.
When I would lose it, he would usually step back and leave me alone. He might apologize a few more times, but basically he backed away and let the visit to Crazy Town play itself out.
Does that help you with your theory?
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I've read each and every one of your posts. I know that when you jump on the crazy coaster, it's usually not for the best. There is some cathartic release--but it gets you nowhere. I respect that you let yourself lash out. You let yourself let that anger go.
Having been in your shoes, except the BW was a "friend", but having the challenge of living in a busy-body small community I didn't lash out. I didn't go after her like I dreamed of. I still could go for a drop of her blood after a year and a half but I don't. I have a disgusting need for this small community to know that I am better than that bitch. Sadly, that is the only thing that stopped me from completely derailing. Sick competitiveness.
But a year and a half, a lot of counselling, and a shit ton of work and we are beating the odds.
But still.... There are days I would love to derail and show everyone she is awful, kick her ass, and get my drop of blood.
Thanks for your blog and keep on healing!

shawn thewife said...

J: There is nothing wrong at all with taking the high road. Hiking the High Road is so much harder than hopping on the train to Crazy Town! So wise and very strong! Please give yourself the immense credit you deserve.
You demonstrated epic self-control, something I sorely lacked. I admire you.
The high road is the fast track, paved road to Happy. My Road to Happy is curvy, covered with potholes and in many places barely passable due to collateral damage littering the path.
You are a betrayed wife Rock Star!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Thanks! It's strange but that made me feel super good. Although I didn't leave my house for threes months.....