After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Tick, Tick, Tick...BOOM!

January brought little to the table of recovery.  In fact, January was nothing but more of the same.  How much more crazy could I get?  My moods could be compared to a revolving door.  Don't like the one you see now?  Just wait a second.  Another will be along at any moment, however you may like the new arrival even less.

I was nothing more than a ticking time bomb. It was almost 3 months after DDay and I was seething inside, but working my ass off to put on a show for the world, excluding Richard.  The show was as much for me as for appearances.  Dear Lord, I needed a break!  Being crazy is completely debilitating!
It was like a little mental vacation when Toughie Pants took the wheel.

Only Richard was witness to my authentic agony, anger and agitation.  He was well aware that I was like highly unstable ammunition, one accidental jolt would cause me to detonate.  I was definitely NOT gonna be the poster patient for Lexapro anytime soon.

In the evenings, we would sit outside trying to decide when Richard would leave and how in the hell we were gonna pay for his new digs.  We still slept in the same bed and more often than not, would wake in the middle of the night and have sex, steamy, lustful sex.  I'd say make love, but it didn't feel like that.  Think about that level of crazy...checking Craig's List for low rent apartments after dinner, then later that same night, hours of hysterical bonding personified.

Are you sick of reading about how sick in the head I was?  I get that.  I was sick of myself.  I had to find an outlet to release some pressure.  Can you guess where I tossed that grenade?
Right at Jaymie.
Transference much?? Lucky, lucky Richard!
To aim at Richard alone was intolerable.  He would never have survived a direct singular attack from me.  I was acutely aware that I needed to distribute the carnage outside my home.  It was like an air assault.  You know when you open the hatch and drop the bomb, people are gonna get hurt, but you don't have to see first hand.

I relaunched my battle for the emails.  There were so many I hadn't seen.  It was like Jaymie was occupying territory that was rightfully mine and I set my sights on getting it all back.
My offensive began innocently, well...that's a little too kind....at first it was "controlled".
She had sent me the first check for $100 just after Christmas.  I decided to offer her a deal.
Surrender the emails and keep the rest of the money.  The rest of the money, $400, meant nothing to me. (remember just a couple of weeks ago, I HAD to get that money back!  Oh, the winds of war..)
The emails were invaluable.  I sent this:
Jaymie:
I called my store and they told me your first check had arrived.  Thank you.
I want to offer you a way to not pay back the rest of the money.
If you still have the emails you exchanged with Richard, I would take those over the money.
I want all of them.  You omitted many of the emails when you sent them to me the first time.
If you can send me all the emails AND the Victoria's Secret items AND the CDs, I will not ask for any more of the money. 
It must be difficult for you to come up with $500, so maybe this would be easier for you.  The emails will help me fully understand the relationship you shared with Richard.  He needs to understand it, too.  
In case you care, we are trying very hard to work past this.  I don't think we're doing a very good job of it.
But, we soldier on.  We hope for clarity and resolution.
I hope you take time and truly consider this offer.
Shawn


Funny. (funny weird, not funny haha)  I wrote this post before reading this old email.  Note I said "soldier" on.   Battle, bombs, soldiers...I thought I was just now figuring out the dynamics of my life after Dday.  Apparently, I knew I was waging war back then, too.
Acquiring the emails became my mission, my ultimate goal.
I was containing the ticking time bomb with mental deflection.
So much better than mental detonation!
Tick...Tick....Tick....


13 comments:

dearraven said...

I have a question: it always pops into my mind when reading stories like yours. How is it that you had the desire to be intimate with your husband after all that happened? Did images of him being with another woman ever pop into your head? How were you able to get rid of those thoughts during sex? I never understood it. I always thought that if it happened to me, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me-let alone in the same bed and actually touching me the way he touched her.

shawn thewife said...

Raven: Hysterical Bonding is so weird!! It makes no sense, but after DDay it is really normal to have a deep, primal need to take back your man! Claim your territory! It is truly warped...but, also kind of fun!
It doesn't happen to everybody that has been betrayed, but there does seem to be a very large group of us.

Many times I cried my eyes out after afterward. How could I want him touching me when his hands were on her? It disgusted me! I can't explain it. It was all very Jekyll and Hyde!
And...I really hate to admit this, but two years post Dday and sometimes I STILL wonder about what Richard did with Jaymie. I even think about it once in a while during sex. However, I am MUCH better at pushing those images out of my head now. It took LOTS of practice to rid my head of those evil images!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Ms. Raven Marie said...

Thank you for the response. It still baffles me, but I can see what you mean and where you're coming from. I'm glad you're able to push through it and I'm sorry for bringing up bad memories; I just needed to know...

shawn thewife said...

Raven: No need to apologize. It's what I do everyday on this blog...I rehash and evaluate it all. The memories are always gonna be there. I CHOSE to utilize them productively. At first this blog was just therapy, cathartic.
It has grown to be much more, so ASK away!
I may not be a font of Knowledge, but I am a deep well of experience!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Erica said...

I too had a lot of Hysterical Bonding. For me it was actually less about territory claiming (though there was probably some of that in there) but that period in time involved a ton of very intense soul-searching together-- heart-felt apologies from my H to me, lots of conversation about who we were as people, as a couple, what love is & isn't... and in my case my H proclaiming that he really wanted to be with ME but there were barriers (both his own & the blockades I had erected) that he felt prevented this & so he sought comfort in the arms of another (certifiably crazy) woman. That intense closeness following a trauma & tragedy (and I do think As are tragedies) created a crazy intimacy. Like Shawn, after the sex (and even often during) I would collapse in sadness, crying my eyes out too. Now, 21 months later, one of my biggest struggles is with sex. I try very hard to push the 'mind movies' out of my head but the movie screen is the size of a drive-in (remember those?) and not an iPad that's easy to click off.

kris said...

right on Shawn...we had those "sessions" too, at first I thought no way in HELL,but it is what it's called ,hysterical bonding...now it's more getting to know each other in our new normal, that too is a funny thing...we'll never be "normal" again, but we're trying. As for the movies, they still come but I push them out of my head as quickly as they invade.

Anonymous said...

We started HB 2 weeks after DDay #1.

Before that I was like " keep your filthy cheating hands off me" I didn't want any kind or touch from him at all. I didn't want to split up with him, I wanted us to get through it, and I did wonder how I was ever going to get back in the sack with him again.

His affair happened while he was overseas on a 2 week business trip. I actually consider myself really lucky that this was the case, and I didn't have the (psycho) OW readily physically available.

He told me about the affair when he got back. I was rocked to the core when he told me, and at the time he said "you need to decide what you want to do" WTF? No one is prepared for that. I didn't know what to do. It was like he had gone away and not come back. I really missed him. I made him sleep in our bed, way over the other side from me. We spent a lot of time not sleeping but talking. 2 weeks later I wanted a cuddle and a kiss, and things got pretty intense from there. The OW had a cry about us sleeping together BOO HOO! I too thought it was very strange, and had to google sex after an affair to make sense of it. I felt more relaxed about it when I read that it's pretty normal, but also felt kinda dirty.

Re emails:

My very confused H told me our relationship was over as he couldn't trust himself not to hurt me again. After this OW sent me a " sorry, none of this is my fault" email. By the end of the week, when H had now dumped OW and wanted me back, OW sent me about 10 of their emails, including each of their accounts of their time together.

My H wrote to her "your reaction to my touch and our minds' togetherness is the most amazing experience and I am humbled and so joyful with you in my arms.
I feel exactly the same. I am stunned and bewildered, I've never been so close and had so much bond before.
My love and connection with you is real. It sustains me even though we're separated. I will never stop loving you and I will always hold all of what I experienced in you and those memories with me in my heart and soul. I can never regret a moment with you."

Puke, puke puke!! That stuff is so hard to get over :-( :-(

N xx

Anonymous said...

I too had HB with my husband. But at some point, I thought there is no way I was going to let BH take this (sex) away from me too. I wasn't going to allow it. My H and I had a good sex life. I enjoyed having sex with him. I needed/wanted to feel good. In the beginning I "used" him. I felt no emotional connection, no love. Maybe it was angry sex? Fake it to make it. In time, our love and emotional connection returned.

Eat My Scabs said...

it really is a war. And the hysterical bonding is totally weird. In fact, I kind of hate the phrase... hysterical. Makes it feel insane, which i guess it probably is.

shawn thewife said...

Scabs!! I agree! Hysterical is wrong. I wrote about Hyper-emotions.... http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/2012/06/hyper-emotions-false-forgiveness.html

That is what we should call the uber-freaky phenomenon! HYPER-Bonding.
Or maybe...Synthetic Comfort? (Sounds like fabric for sweat pants)
Bogus Bonding? (My fave so far!)
Phony fucking? (Too crude)
Counterfeit Coitus? (I'm really reaching now)

Oh, Crap.
You know what?? Hysterical is more accurate than I wanna admit. Dammit.
If the straight jacket fits....
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Susan Rubinsky said...

I know what his sex was like with the OW because I recently found copies of his digital video tapes of it all. And I mean all of it.

My reactions are all over the place. On the one hand I'm like the high school football start thinking "come on bitch you hardly sucked that cock into your mouth at all, you wimp!" On the other hand, I'm so completely disgusted, I haven't felt sexual in months, ever since I found the videos.

I sometimes wish I had never found it. On the other hand it proved he lied to me for 1.5 years AFTER Dday. He was having sex with her all along.

Anonymous said...

Susan,

I saw pictures. Wish we could "un-see", but we can't. Oh, how those images haunt me! I feel (some of) your pain.....

shawn thewife said...

Susan: I can't fathom how difficult it would be to have REAL movies running through your head! I sent myself to crazy town with my imaginary mind movies!
Are you trying to reconcile? Are you in MC/IC?
Please check out the two support forums listed in my homepage. Maybe there will be another betrayed spouse that has seen the real deal and can help you find the road to get past it. Don't let those horrid images rule your happiness. Take back your joy.
I know...that sounds like such bullshit, right? Sometimes cliches' are accurate. You gotta want it.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn