For the record, I will miss you.
A HUGE disclaimer is required here: Please don't do what I did!! Please let the bitch-whore go! My behavior made everything worse. Not once did I feel better while touring Crazy Town.
Many days of 2011 brought me right to the edge of Crazy Town. I mean, RIGHT to the edge, with my toe dipped in the icy water of the massive moat that surrounds Crazy Town. Some days I dove right in and swam, full speed, like Michael Phelps, across the muddy moat with complete disregard of the potentially disastrous consequences waiting on the other side.
I am very grateful that I was only a frequent visitor in Crazy Town and although I got to know the local turf pretty well, I never became a permanent resident. I must thank Dr. N with his magical bag of pharmaceuticals that calmed the rapid firing defective neurons in my brain and the lovely Dr. K for the hours she spent in a most sincere effort to shove a much needed reality check down my throat.
My level of crazy fluctuated from day to day. Sometimes there was a trigger that propelled me deeper into the danger zone, but often I just woke up from a fitful sleep feeling nutso.
I beg a bit of compassion here. Please remember, when I acted out, when I did some of the things I'm going to confess, I didn't think I was out of line at all. Mostly, I was just so angry! In a few fleeting moments when anguish replaced anger, I realized my behavior was not normal and often over the top, but that didn't mean I had the self control to throw on the brakes.
January 27th, 2011, was one of the mornings I woke up on the wrong side of sane. I had already sent an email to Jaymie offering to trade the rest of the cash she had agreed to return to me for the ALL of the emails she shared with Richard. She did not respond to my offer. Being ignored was a HUGE trigger! I sent this to Jaymie & her Daddy.
I would appreciate a response regarding my offer. I want the emails or the money ASAP. If you can afford to send the entire $400 in one check, we can avoid these emails in the future. If there are financial issues, let me know. I'm sure we can work something out as I still want the emails. A final note for Jaymie: I am not at all surprised that you are having your father deal with the consequences of your poor choices. Obviously, you are still too immature to handle such adult matters on your own. You have a very tolerant father. When our children reach your age, they will be responsible for cleaning up their own messes. Jim: If the check isn't at my store tomorrow, I will email you again.
`shawn`
That got James in a snit! I'm not sure which lit the bonfires of Crazy Town more...being ignored or being challenged like I was when I got this:
Jim
Please do not commentate on my family… you have enough troubles of your own.Had it not been for a predatory person like your husband – this conversation will never take place. You also have a strong personality (one that I am not afraid or intimidated of) – you can take your anger, bitterness, and attention elsewhere.Go heal your own home and leave my family alone.I will not respond to any of your conversations anymore. This is done.
Jim had no way of knowing he was throwing fuel on the bonfire! I shot back:
You don't get to dictate to me, but I understand your frustration. Until I find complete closure, Richard AND Jaymie will deal with me.
Jaymie needs to own those choices. You referred to Richard as a "predatory person". Please....it's not like Jaymie is 12, for God's sake.They both owe me the opportunity to understand what happened and why.
I am tending to my own issues, but you seem to forget your daughter's hand in the affair. Choices were made.
Far be it from me to defend him, but get a grip on reality. Your daughter is no saint in this.
`shawn`
James didn't respond. It seems he was a quick study and he learned right off that engaging me meant enraging me. I was very angry as I typed my last response to him. That anger simmered over the bonfire all day and night. The next day, it boiled over big time. I paraded my ass down the Main Street of Crazy Town on a huge, freakin' float!! The parade ended in Richard's office.
21 comments:
I love it that you fully admit to crazy town. The difference bt your CT and mine is that I directed it all at my spouse. Even tho I was so deep into CT, I knew that if I had any contact with the BW, I would be in jail...seriously. But I would like to know what did your spouse think about your contact with BW and her dad?
Hi, Anonymous: My blog started out as a self-help virtual journal, an escape route outta Crazy Town and onto the Road to Happy. It has morphed into something more, a place we can share our experiences in Crazy Town and hop in the carpool lane on the road to happy! I'm so grateful for the empathy here!
You asked about Richard's reaction to my continued contact with Jaymie and Jim...he didn't like it much AT ALL. It made him squirm, but he had a strict policy: Don't tell Shawn what to do. It just makes her madder.
He let me drive all over CT! Sometimes, I even got him to drive! Honestly, I don't know why he didn't just leave me. I sure tried my damnest to get him to go. Much of my behavior was a test to see how much he loved me, how much he would stand.
That speaks to how my self-worth was shattered.
Hope you're in the Car-Pool Lane with me! The road to happy is much smoother when you ride with friends.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Hi Shawn
I discovered your blog only a few nights ago , trying to sleep thinking about what happened to us in the last year.
You have inspired me to write about it , my story has so many similarities to yours.
You are a strong lady not crazy or otherwise but just hurt by the people that we love the most can be a hurtful thing
I don't trust people anymore and I tend to go with my gut feeling and its usually right.
Lots of love from down under
Shawn, thanks for continuing to share your journey. I, myself, am confronting the "Crazy Town" thoughts and feelings right now. I made virtually no contact with the OW the first 6 months, and then I discovered that that the affair had continued during those months, which has sent me OVER the edge. I want revenge against the OW! I hate her SO much. I've refrained form contacting her for the most part, but I did call her/send texts the morning of the latest discovery and wrote her a scathing email. She, of course, doesn't respond which is SO freaking annoying. I want to know that she regrets all of this and understands the pain she has caused. Until the, I am struggling to let her go. But, I often think about you and your blog and your warnings of what not to do. I'm struggling letting her go right now. I had made so much progress in those first 6 months, and the discovery of the continued affair set me waaaay back. Ugh, so frustrating! With that said, thank you for your thoughts on medicating on Healing Hearts. My doctor started me on Zoloft this week. I *think* I'm already feeling a little more stable, but only time will tell. Thanks again for sharing your story!
Hello, Betrayed Wife X; Wow! A reader from all the way Down Under?? Really? Thanks for joining our little support group.
I'm sorry you have a situation that mirrors mine in anyway! I wouldn't wish this kind of turmoil on anyone...except maybe Jaymie!
This blog has helped me in more ways than I can express. I hope you find the same healing in writing as I have.
About trust...Trust will never be the same for me either, but it shouldn't be. We've learned to trust but verify. Our gut, our instincts are there for a reason. We should trust those above all else.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Kari: I'm glad you went to the Healing Heart for support. That forum and After the Betrayal are such a comfort to so many, me included!
Give the meds some time. They don't kick in all at once. The meds are just like a bandage for your brain. The brain won't heal right away but in time, you'll be as good as new. Maybe better.
The anger and the hate...it's some serious poison. I still hate Jaymie. I mean, why not hate her? no harm, no foul, no skin off my ass.
You can hate her all you want, but unless she's pounding down your door and holding a gun to your WH's head to get him to nail her a few more times, it's ain't her you need to focus on.
I get it..it is soooo much easier to hate her than WH! To hate him is too painful, too potentially damaging. Transference is normal...lucky for our WHs!
Focus on what your WH is doing NOW. Let him know exactly what you expect and then watch him like a hawk to see if he can pull it off.
OW is a worthless piece of garbage. She'll get hers. Save your energy for WH.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
now that is truly INSANITY! I can't believe your balls!!LOL
I don't think any of this behavior is abnormal or crazy. What the betrayed have to endure is more than most people can imagine.
Your H exacerbated matters by never telling you the whole story up front. The betrayers almost always make this mistake. The betrayed cannot clean out the would and heal properly until they can take stock of what happened. The betrayers can never be trusted again until they come clean with the true story. The betrayer is most at fault for creating the "crazy train" because of their foolish inability to take responsibility for the truth.
*wound not "would"
(first Anonymous poster)
Shawn, I was able to get off the crazy train and in the carpool lane of happiness...it took 3 yrs. It was a decision. Happiness after an affair doesn't just happen. I do still HATE HATE HATE the BW. But I no longer look daily in the obits for her name. I no longer become gitty when the nightly news headlines are "blonde found strangled in river" or "shot in domestic dispute". I no longer look longingly at car crashes hoping to see her head thru the windshield. CT is a place to visit while working thru all the crap. Stay as long as you need to, but all the while have a plan to move out. Giving up CT isn't a cold turkey kind of thing. Do it slowly and gradual. And before ya know it, you're looking back down at CT from a high hill on the outskirts of town and thinking WOW, I MADE IT!
Scabs: I guess I did have quite a set of balls back then. I say that because I've come to believe balls contain copious amounts of stupid cells leaving the owner of said balls with an substantially lower IQ than required to make intelligent choices.
And...that email exchange was just a little insane...I got LOTS crazier.
Have a good weekend!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Susan: I have to partially disagree with you. My behavior was crazy. Crazy can be defined as unpredictable, senseless and unsound as well as deranged and insane.
I cling to the hope that I never reached the deranged level on the crazy meter, but I sure as hell was unpredictable and senseless. So, I'm gonna own my crazy ass behavior. It helps me move past it all.
You are ever so right about what betrayed spouses have to endure. Richard was the ultimate cause of my debilitated mental state, but I still gotta own my choices, my actions. If I expect Richard to own his, I gotta take personal responsibility, too. When I took back control of my crazy ass self, I was able to focus on healing. This blog was my first step on the road back to happy.
Hope & hugs, Shawn
Hey, First Anonymous! Thanks for clarifying! It can get a bit confusing reading through the comments with numerous anonymous remarks.
Your post cracked me up!! I almost squirted my morning tea out of my nose! I have never pictured Jaymie being tossed in the air by the impact of a speeding SUV, but I don't hate it!! LOL!
My fantasies centered around her total public humiliation. Letting everyone that thought she was a sweet and innocent church going co-ed know what a money grubbing, pathetically needy dim-wit she actually was, and letting her college buddies know she was banging a man old enough to be her Grandpa would have been my idea of euphoria.
I'm already looking down at Crazy Town. I haven't been there for quite a while, but I realize I could find myself venturing back if I don't maintain a safe distance!
So glad to hear you're doing so well. Gives us all hope!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Hi Shawn..
I should have mentioned that my crazy town became another guy.
It was such a destructive path I lost around 10 kilos in a month I felt wanted and sexier than ever.
My CT was to make my husband feel how I felt that I would have never gone to CT if hadn't bought me a ticket to start with.
I think that was the reason and a way of getting revenge .. or just plain bad excuse :(?
Betrayed Wife X: I told Richard I was going to cheat on him. I told him I wanted to even the playing field. I tried. One night stands were available, but I wanted a love affair like he experienced. I wanted it all. The emails, the texts, the late night phone sex. I came to realize that Richard must have been on steroids! He worked hard at having the affair. It required a lot of effort because it was a HUGE time sucker! I just didn't have the energy! LOL!
I sure don't judge you for the other man. Payback comes in lots of different packages.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
another awesome post and mirror image of me... except I didn't delve that far into crazy town, I sure wish I would have let her father know and tell him to be on the lookout for any other unsuspecting married men her daughter may want. Funny thing is I saw thru a mutual friends FB that she is dating an older man again, I guess mine wasn't old enough for her, she was 24 and my husband was 44 when they hooked up, now she is 25 and her new squeeze is 52, WTH?!?!? Just wrong, he's older than her father, she must have some serious issues...I as much let my hubs know about this too, and he agreed. Wonder what gets them into homewreckers like them? Plus she claims to be miss innocent and puts bible verses on her FB, give me a flippin break, I KNOW BETTER! Just wish I had the balls like you to share it with their whole office. Luckily my husband took my advice and quit that job when I gave him no other choice....just wish they could feel a little of what we felt...
Kris: I wish you didn't know what OW was doing now. I wish she was so far out of your life that she was nothing but dead to you. You gotta try to just let her go.
I know I write a lot about Jaymie here. Doesn't that fly in the face of what I preach? Let me explain...I write about THEN. What happened THEN. I stalked her FB page all the time THEN. I wanted her to suffer THEN.
Today, I couldn't give a rat's ass what's she's doing and that has allowed me to take a HUGE step forward on my road to happy.
Block her, delete her, forget her. Well, the forget part is unreasonable, I know, but you gotta let her go. Maybe that can be a New Year's resolution!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
How do we know for sure that whatever words of love our husbands told the OW are false and the ones they tell us are the truth? I doubt.
I doubt whether the OW would in any cases want their sorry asses on a permanent basis.We are stuck with them.
I am beginning to feel that the OW got it easy when our husbands supposedly "chose" the marriage.Yes they chose the marriage..they did not choose US.
The OW is out there probably with a man who is honest to her while we are left with a cheating bastard.
Anonymous: I know what stage of recovery you'e in...fury! Been there. Not fun. Royal Bitch rules with an iron fist.
About the love part...Richard tells me when he was in the middle of it all, he thought he loved Jaymie, but within a few months after DDay, he was wallowing in shame, wondering how he could have gone so far off the deep end. He knew he was out of control during the affair, but he didn't realize he had lost his grip on reality altogether. The affair was a fantasy based on lies. How can real love be based on lies?
I don't feel like I'm STUCK with Richard. I chose to stay with him because he is doing the work to make me believe we will be stronger. Richard may have 'chosen" me when he ditched Jaymie, but later we talked about that, too. I was sick that there was a choice to be made between she and I . Her name shouldn't be uttered in the same breath as mine! He assures me there was never a choice. He never told her he would leave me for her. He told her a whole bunch of other bullshit to keep her close, but he never said he'd leave me...as far as I know!
So, yes, he chose our marriage. He chose me. But to me, that ain't nothin' but semantics.
We aren't "left" with our wayward husband. We are left with a chance to build a better life together. It is a real bitch to get the job done, but for me, it's been worth it.
You don't have to forgive the bastard, but you'll have to accept that sometimes good men do really shitty things and they are redeemable.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Shawn, I just spent about three hours reading your blog. Half of the time I wanted to cry and the other half I was busy laughing and cheering. The laughing and cheering weren't because I thought you did the right things but because it felt like one of us managed to make someone pay other than ourselves.
I've been dealing with my husbands affair since a week before Christmas 2010. That's when I looked at the phone records and found over 700 calls and texts in a week. The three weeks later she would fly from 800 miles away to spend two days in a cheap motel with my husband to try to cement it by making it physical.
A hand full of people know but no one really understands what life is like for me: the endless questions, the insecurity, the nightmares, the visuals, the triggers, the little movie clips that run through my mind where I do something like renting a billboard near her neighborhood telling all of the women there to protect their marriages from her (and that one is tame, thus the laughter at some of your post).
YOU obviously get it. You know what my life is like. Unfortunately for me I tend to have really bad reactions to meds so I have had to deal with the depression and insanity without them. The only counselor my insurance would pay for suggested I admit myself for a month (on the first visit). I refused. He then proceeded to fall asleep in the middle of my next four visits. I never returned.
I'm not obsessed like I was the first year but I'm still not where I want to be. I met the whore twice. She was his best friend's wife. The friend help them hide it because he was trying to unload her on someone. My mind had tricked me into not remembering her so well. Plus, she has lost a lot of weight. I recently saw a picture of her. It sent me into a week long abyss. Then I remembered something she had said to me "He was welling to throw away 28 years of marriage to be with me, what does that say about you?". If it weren't for not wanting her to be actively back in our lives I'd have an answer for that:"after only two days in a cheap motel screwing your skinny, cheap, whoring self her came running back to me, what does that say about you?". Yep, I have issues.
Thanks for the blog. I'm a writer of sorts so who knows, I might start one of my own. I'm like you, if it helps one person get through just one of the lost days. . .
((Donna)) I know your pain and I am so sorry you are in this dark place. You can beat the beast down, but it takes a strong will.
You didn't mention how your WH is handling your path to healing. Is he remorseful? Is he working toward saving your marriage? Have you shared with him all your concerns and told him exactly what you want?
We all have issues. I still have many 2 years after DDay. But, my life is so much better than when I began this blog. I found the help I so desperately needed on the Healing Heart Forum. The link is on my homepage. If you have no IC or MC, please consider utilizing the support, compassion and experienced wisdom available there.
If your WH is transparent with his behavior now and he shows you through his actions that he wants to save your marriage, then it's up to you, Girl.
You gotta get tough. You're gonna have to work on focusing on the good and letting go of the bad. It ain't easy. Not by a long shot. But I'm here to tell ya...your marriage can survive and even be better than you ever imagined.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
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