After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Hope & Hugs. We Need Both After DDay.

 I sign all my replies to comments with "Hope & Hugs,  Shawn".  (Except for some replies to the haters.  I welcome everyone with an opinion to share, but I surely can't be expected to want to hug them!)  I didn't come by those two words easily.  After DDay, I couldn't find much hope, so I really needed a freakin' hug!

I began this blog HOPING that I could find my way forward out of Crazy Town.  It wasn't long after I began to type that I found The Healing Heart message boards.  It was there that I received an abundance of Virtual Hugs from many caring former betrayed spouses.  I remember the first question I read on the forum...."Is it normal to have a ton of sex right after DDay?"
Whaaaat???  Someone else was banging their cheating bastard of a husband every which way, 3 times a day, besides me??
Thank God!!
I know....not the kindest thought for that poor woman, but such a relief for me!  Even better when I read the many replies to her quandary.
To summarize:  "It's called Hysterical Bonding and it's completely normal."
Oh my Lord!  I might be normal!  For the previous year I had done a pretty damn good impression of a certifiable whack job, but maybe it was normal to be a whack job after you find out your husband of 30 years was writing love poems to a 24 year old dip-stick while screwing her at the local casino!
Whew!  
That, my friends, was the moment I exhaled, expelling complete despair from my body,
and embraced HOPE.

Wouldn't it be wondrous if we could help someone do that here?

I'm taking another detour from my story to ask you, my dear readers, what do you need?  What should I write about that might shed a little light on the darkness of infidelity?  What do you want to know from the other readers that are a bit further down the Road to Happy?
There's still so much I wish I knew!  I have lots of questions, new ones daily.
Example:  Is it just plain nasty that I still can't even type whore-bag-Jaymie's name without adding a dig or two with it?  Is it wrong that I insist on reminding my readers that she was dumb as a box-o-rocks?
How can I get to a place of serenity about the hatred I harbor for the skanky twit?
Yeah...I still need a whole lotta help.  That's why I continue to blog.  I know there's a kinder, gentler Shawn in there somewhere, but I'm gonna need lots of hope & hugs from my friends to help find her.

Let's compare notes.  Let's help each other.  Let's share Hope & Hugs.

53 comments:

TryingHard said...

No Jaymie's a dumb ass twit who deserves ever bad name we can think of.

OK here's my question. I have a tape back up of the network computer. I know on that tape are all the emails. I need to take it to a computer person to get the info off of it. I also believe an employee has kept contact with her and I want to know what is being said. Do I or do I not get this info from the tape backup???

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: Always hate when my therapist does this to me, but I gotta answer your question with a question, actually, a couple of questions.
Why do you want to know what's on the back up tape? What is the goal?
Thanks for starting the dialog! I hope others chime in with their thoughts, as well.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

I am certain all the original emails from when the affair started is on it. Her personal emails to who knows would be on there too. Also as I said I think I have an employee that is still in contact with her. I would like to know what he is telling her. I don't know if I want to see all the original ones but I would like to know if one of my key employees is lying to me.

Anonymous said...

My H didn't have a physical affair as far as I know, but I feel/think/know he hasn't told me everything.

It's been 2 years since Dday - when do you let it go and stop obsessing.

Sometimes I hate him

Flaca said...

Eff Jaymie she's a fucktard with no moral compass or class.

My struggle is the physical intimacy. Husband is back home 6 months now and I still can't bring myself to be intimate with. And poor thing I don't think he'll ever get another BJ from me because that image of her going down on him makes me want to vomit. Sadly I want to have a baby... Before the affair we'd agreed to finish our family planning around this time. How the hell will I get pregnant if the idea of sex is repellant to me?

And don't get me wrong before the affair was discovered we had good passionate sex. And I miss it. But these damn images I can't erase them.

Anonymous said...

Hey Shawn, long time reader first time poster. My question
: I feel like I'm in a rut.

M: 12 years
A: one year, long distance saw each other a total of 90 days
DDay: January 2012, complete blindside, I don't love you anymore I'm in love with someone else
S: 6 weeks of hell
R: March 2012, realized living on a beach with a girl 20 years younger was not worth loosing me over (50 year old fool)

As soon as FWH pulled his head out of his ass he has been great. Answers all questions, full transparency, NC, remorse and shows me so much love daily. But, the past 2 weeks I have been really down. I feel like things are getting back to normal, no more drama, we don't talk about the A daily or sometimes a week might go by (unbelievable) without a mention. That's not to say it is does not pop up in my mind daily but I'm able to let it go easier and I don't feel the need to bring it up. So why do I feel sad that things are great?

Hope and Hugs to all
Maxandsen

Scared said...

Your blog has helped me so much the last 6 mos after my Dday... In the process of going through MC, my WS has discovered he has a sex addiction - the reason for his infidelity - so no feelings of love or even like for the OW. I have chosen to stay. With that being said how do I trust him again? How do I allow myself to fall in love again? It is so scary - I was totally blind sided...

strong survivor said...

Hi

teresa said...

Hi Shawn,

I am completely struggling with opening myself up emotionally and physically. I know why - I don't want to be vulnerable to him - but I can't get past all of the information in my head. I can't get past the things he told her/them about me and his never putting me first - not protecting me with them - throwing me under the buss with them. Tricle truth has just made me put walls up so tall and thick that I feel like I will never know how to trust, not only him, but no one. I miss my best friend. He is transparent, remorseful, doing what he can. But I am keeping my distance still. And it's been 3 years since the whole story came out - 4 years since dday. The compartmentalization - worst word in the english language - is so hard to accept. How have you, or others out there, let yourself be vulnerable again? How do you even start?

Anonymous said...

I'm 15 months post dday. Wow, I actually had to count. I know I'm past a year (boy do those antiversaries SUCK!).

For the most part, things are so much better. I have a relationship with my husband, the kind I should have had all along. We've worked on our Pre-A issues and while we do hit bumps along the way, we surpass every single one.

I don't hate the Infant (he chose to f*ck a 20 year old). I don't LIKE her, but I don't hate her either. I can't muster that much emotion for someone that is no longer in my life. Yes, he brought that twat into our lives. I can't help but call her names. It's not done out of hatred. She's just a twat. It's like saying, "The sky is blue today". I'm indifferent because if it wasn't her, he would have found someone else. It's as simple as that.

My question is: how do I overcome the doubt and fear?

I had massive panic attacks for months post dday. I was on antidepressants for a while. I've been off of them for almost 6 months but as of Sunday, I'm on them again. I had a complete meltdown yesterday because I couldn't get in touch with him.

I tried to rationalize it. Things ARE sooo much better. He is not the piece of shit husband that he was. He's accountable 24/7 and does so many things to protect me and our marriage.

Yet, I panicked and I couldn't get it under control.

When does it go away?!?!?!

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: I totally get the need to know, TOTALLY get it! BUT, I've learned sometimes you gotta step back and ask yourself...WHY do I need to know? Will having the info I crave make me feel better and if so, for how long? Will it help my marriage heal? Will it make my life better?
Or...can I let it go and try to move forward without it?
I think you gotta ask yourself all of those questions and then decide if having the emails will result in a happier you. If you wanna talk it out with us, we're here for ya!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Sometimes I hate Richard, too!! I now understand the saying...there's a fine line between love and hate!
Are you worried your WH is lying about the A not being physical?
I'm gonna suggest the same thing to you as I did for TryingHard above.
Is your WH doing all he can to make you feel safe, to help you heal? Do you now have total transparency? If so, then maybe you could ask yourself, what do I have to gain by dwelling on the past? Will it help my marriage? Can I focus on the now and all our tomorrows instead?
You can do it...it takes practice, but you can adjust and redirect your thinking. I did it a little at a time and I was stuck DEEP in the details of the A for a year. At first, it's hard as hell, but it gets easier.
The WHEN we stop obsessing is an easy answer...when we CHOOSE to stop.
Try using my mantra: I do not need to think about this now. It will NOT help me to think about this now. I will not think about this now!
Silly, simple and for me, effective.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn, I'm happy to report that being a BS as painful as it is has helped me realize what I want out of my injured marriage. I have protected my financials and emotions (MC) and he knows our problems were a 50/50 deal. The EA he owns 100%. He just might win me back. We have been living separately and only together for dinners/movies/talking. I might not change anything for a long,long time. He knows it too and is working hard to eventually come home. Time is my friend. Thanks for the great blog it helped me tons.

shawn thewife said...

Flaca!! LOL! Fucktard is one of my favorite names for people like Jaymie!! It's perfect! She is a fucktard!

Your issue is difficult for me. I haven't had that issue, as you know by reading...I was kind of a slut right after DDay. Hysterical bonding opened a whole new world for us in the bedroom...and the bathroom...and the kitchen...in the car...you get it.
Are you in MC at all? Have you talked to your H about it? Wow. I'm not gonna be any help.

Anybody else out there struggle with intimacy after DDay? Any advise for for Flaca??
If no one comments here, try the Healing Heart Forum. There's always someone over there that seems to know exactly what to do. The link is at the bottom of my blog.
If you wanna have a baby...you're gonna want to have a solid marriage and that means sex...maybe even BJs. If you still love this guy, we gotta figure out how to help you to be more than OK with it. We want you to find a way to love it!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

It's been a hellish 4 months since D-day. My husband still tells me he doesn't know why he had an affair 2 years ago. I don't believe him. I feel like I can't move forward without knowing why.

Lost, dazed and confused

TryingHard said...

Sometimes the thought of the intimacy gets to me. I was mad because I wanted sex and wasn't getting it so I had to take matters into my own hands, if you get my drift. Since reconciliation I am relentless about him giving me what I need physically. HA I thought it was his age that was causing problems and I was being the "good wife" not pressuring him. The bastard was saving it up!ULK!!! He was having performance problems with her from pressure and guilt and even resorted to taking the little blue pill. He doesn't need the blue pill with me. 4-5 times a week. You Tube is a great resource to spice things up. I'm just sayin... I think this definitely has made him forget all about how great it was with the OW and much better with someone who really cares about him not just what he can do financially for them.

Erica said...

Great question - what do we need?

1. Help re. sex. Engaging in sex is my biggest trigger (those @#$%! mind movies) so I avoid sex as much as possible. Doesn't help the present-day relationship we've been working so very hard to build. Yes, lots of hysterical bonding after DDay but that was short-lived.

2. The constant hum. I don't actively think about the A every single waking moment of my day (a big improvement from the 1st year or so) but it's always there, like a constant hum sound a window air conditioner makes. I can tune it out at times but it's still there. At other times it's impossible to do anything without hearing the annoying sound of the A.

Thanks!

shawn thewife said...

Maxandsen: I know that rut! I've wallowed in that rut. It is not a good pit stop on the Road to Happy!
Maybe you're not sad that things are great. Maybe you're still grieving over what was lost. I still feel sad about he loss of trust. As a long time reader, you know, I was THE most trusting wife on the planet. I was proud of that. Proud of how confident I was in my husband.
I had to mourn that loss. Even now, over two years post DDay, something totally simple can happen and I wince, like ...Richard doesn't answer his cell phone or the back line at his office. Before DDay...wouldn't have thought anything about it. Now....I think LOTS of unpleasant things. I'm sure you can imagine.
Or...maybe you feel like you let him off the hook and that brings you down. I still feel like that, too once in a while.
I can offer this thought....everyday try to focus on something good. The best part of your day. Make yourself take a minute to appreciate the good. It helps me. I'm more in the moment and it reminds me to be grateful.
Don't know if any of that helps you. I'll bet other readers know what you mean.
Chime in with other thoughts gang!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Scared: How do you trust your WH again?? LORDY! Ain't that the million dollar question!!??
My thought on that is...you won't. I mean, at least I sincerely doubt that I'll ever trust Richard again.
I think I'll get to a better place. A trust but verify place. Being vulnerable is so freakin' scary! I hate it! But, if I want to live in a place where I give my heart to him completely, I gotta suck it up, set some VERY tight boundaries and "trust" him. Never thought my marriage would involve "Trust" in quotes, but here we are. The more Richard does to make me feel safe, the more I can exhale and open my heart a bit more.
It takes a lot of time and hard work, but you can get there.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Hey! Strong Survivor!!
Hi, back! Not sure where you went, but please know you are always welcome here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous that is 15 months post DDay:
Anti-versaries are brutal!! But, they get easier.

Panic, doubt, fear....comes with the territory. I felt beyond vulnerable until I wrote up a list of boundaries that I had to have in place to feel safe. We both signed it. The rules are pretty tight around here. This "contract" also has consequences. I borrowed much of the contract from another betrayed blogger. It basically says I need to know where you are all the fucking time!
Crap...that made me laugh...but it is so not fucking funny.
I guess it's all about letting time heal us. I've heard it can take up to 5 years to really feel safe again.
Until then....there's nothing wrong with pharmaceuticals! You've been severely injured! The drugs help you while you heal. If you were in a car wreck and broke your legs, you'd need a wheel chair, right? Same damn thing! Do what you gotta do to find a safe place and then let time do the rest.

BTW...OW was just a Twat??? LOVE THAT!! A twat with a head!! LOL! Hilarious visual!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous that is happy to report time is your friend:

No doubt, Sister! The Road to Happy is not a destination. It's a journey. I know that sounds like the inside of a cheap greeting card from a 7/11, but it rings true to me. Everyone has a different path on the Road. The point is...we just gotta keep walking until we find the happy paths and then try not to veer off them!
So glad you're feeling positive. If my blog helped at all, I am very grateful!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

TO ALL MY WONDERFUL READERS/FRIENDS:

I know many of you need to comment anonymously. I totally get it. But, could you do me a solid and just sign your comment with a nickname or initials or whatever so I can reply back to you directly?? Pretty please!!

Sometimes the comments come in larger quantities and I want to be sure i reply to everyone. I wouldn't want to leave any of you out.
I need all of you! I learn so much from you everyday!!
Thanks a bunch!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Lost, Dazed & Confused: The words you've chosen as a name to sign your comment are feelings we all understand. I am so sorry you're in this marriage mess....but, 4 months is very early in the healing process. Be strong. It will get better.
The WHY of the A. There's a good chance your WH doesn't really know why. There's an even better chance that there were a whole lot of whys. Your WH should be in IC so he can explore the WHY so it never happens again.
I can tell you with certainty what the A wasn't about...it was NOT about you. You did nothing wrong. I don't need to know your story to say that with complete confidence. Doesn't matter if you were the best wife ever, or the wicked witch wife from hell...cheating is never the solution to the problem. Open, honest communication is the key.
We will be here for you. You do not have to go through this alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Erica: The brain worms (mind movies) are brutal but they do get better. They seep into my thoughts most right when I wake up, but I have gotten quite good at beating them off. You can do it, too.
As far as thinking about OW & your WH when you're trying to have sex.... If you're holding back, are you sure it's just the mind movies? Are you sure you're not scared of being vulnerable?
If it's the mind movies...FUCK 'EM! Do not let them take anymore of you! You deserve to be happy. CHOOSE HAPPY!

The hum...is sort of low grade brain worms, right? Always creeping, slithering just below the surface? You gotta get busy, get distracted, force yourself to think of anything other than the A. You can do it. It takes practice, but you can get there. I've heard it take 5 years for the brain worms to go dormant. Until they do, I'm gonna fight those bastards with everything I got. You should, too.
I know it's hard. I know it sucks. But, I also know you're stronger than you think and you can win the battle of the brain worms!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Teresa: First, I am so sorry you are in such pain. The path to healing is different for all of us. Some Roads to Happy are longer, but all of them will get you to a better place if you keep walking!
I can only tell you what has helped me. I hope others will share the paths they used, too. I began to heal when I started this blog. Getting all the poison out and dumping it into cyberspace was just what i needed. It seemed like such a lame idea, but it has helped me more than I can say. The other catalyst was The Healing Heart online forum. The link is at the bottom of my blog homepage. I always received such compassion and sage advice from the wonderful members of that message board. By sharing what they had gone through, I found my own way to begin to heal.
I think that being vulnerable is inevitable if you want to stay married after an A. It's scary and I hate it, but....I want to be in this marriage, so I gotta get tough, take a chance. I've done a pretty good job at hedging my bets. Lots of very tight boundaries around my house. That helps me feel safe.

The most important factor to regaining trust for me is what Richard has done to help me be OK with my vulnerability. He SHOWS me everyday how much he loves me and he rarely gives me any reason to be concerned that he is back to making choices that will end our lives together.
So...I guess where you start is that you have to CHOOSE if you want to stay married. If you do, you're gonna have to do the work and that means letting your guard down, a little at a time. As you open your heart again, it'll be hard at first, but it gets easier. I promise.
Tiny steps. We'll be around if you need a cheering section!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Today is not a good day. Two years ago was DDay 1. When he left me and told me he was in love with the OW. It hurts just as much today as it did that day. I wish I could offer some hope but I just can't. This just stinks. Words hurt and can't be taken back. I don't trust and think I never will no matter how many good things he does. Supposedly time heals all wounds but I am beginning to doubt it. Maybe I should blog and certainly these blogs are helpful because they have become my lifeline and I think this is truly pathetic. I have too much invested both financially and emotionally to let that piece of dog shit win and that sort of helps me continue the fight but sometimes I wonder if its worth it. What fucking assholes they are to bring such crap into our lives for thei pathetic little ego boost with trailer park trash. I'm smart, I'm educated but I feel like the biggest dumbass for not throwing his ass out and taking him to the cleaners. It's what he would have deserved.

Sorry for the negativity but I'm just not feeling it today.

Anonymous said...

I just want to thank you Shawn and all the others that post for being here and so open. I have posted on another blog (betrayed wives club) and they are great also. I am really struggling and just not doing well at all. I am screwing up my life all by myself now because I can't get see through my anger. My CS is doing everything right but I am still living "in the moment" -like DD just happened. It has been 6 months. I have tried your mantra Shawn and many other great suggestions to try to stop hating the OW so much. A part of me really hates my CS as well. But I mostly hate myself for not leaving him when I knew he was cheating or when he was treating me so poorly, or treating my children badly, basically for allowing myself to be a doormat. Even though I am not strong enough to leave him - I feel like my rage is my way a taking up for myself and never letting him to get over it (since I can't). I don't want him to ever feel like he is "off the hook". I am a crazy person. One counselor I saw told me I have PTSD. He said my mind and body keep reacting in a way as if did has just happened. I really do keep living "it" over and over.

Faith

shawn thewife said...

Faith: Your counselor was exactly right! I was right there, too. I needed mood stabilizers to help me. I couldn't do it with out a little pharmaceutical help. You might want to consider that. There is no shame in trying everything you have available to help you recover from this most difficult trauma!
The rage is debilitating, I know. Rage made perfect sense to me, too. I wanted Richard to suffer. I wanted Jaymie to be broken like I was. It took me a year, but I learned this: We can never hurt them the way the hurt us. NEVER! There is no possible way so why waste precious energy trying?
Decide what you want. If you want to stay married, you need your CS to be on board and follow YOUR lead. But, make no mistake, if you decide to leave...you're strong enough.
It'll take both of you, working as a team, for you to begin letting go of the rage and the "crazy". 6 months post DDay is a weird time for us. We THINK we should be getting better. 6 months seems like it should be more than enough time to stop obsessing. But, it's just the beginning. Don't beat yourself up. You're fighting a war of emotions. Try to focus on one battle at a time.
First - The decision battle - stay married or not?
Next - battle of the crazy. Take meds? Maybe. Use behavior modification techniques for sure.
Next - Boundaries for your CS. Gotta find a safe space.
BIG Next: Let the Bitch Whore GO!
Do you get the idea? Tiny steps. Don't feel like you're gonna be able to conquer this beats over night. But, all of the battles above will give you back some control over your life. That will make you feel stronger and with time....you'll find your path on the Road to Happy.
Don't despair, Faith. We're all walking the Road with you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

(((TryingHard)))
Some days are so much harder than others. No doubt about it. I can only offer this...it'll get better.
I know! Lame, right? But here's why I know it's true....Once you really decide that you want to be in your marriage, once you feel like staying married will make you happy...eventually...then you'll take back control and you'll feel stronger.
If you're only staying in the marriage to punish your WH, then get the hell out now because the only person your punishing is yourself. I know making him pay can be rewarding...for a minute. I milked that little high for a year. But, the juice ain't worth the squeeze! Being miserable, hating your self, hating him, being angry and vengeful all the freaking time is exhausting!
But, we all have bad days. The trick is working to make those days be much fewer than than good ones.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Shawn
You are right and yes there are bad days and this weekend with the "antiversary" was particularly hard. We all want this process to end soon and we give ourselves unrealistic deadlines, whether is is 6 weeks, 6 months, or six years. Sometimes the memories and facts are just too much to bear.

My H was so good to me this weekend. We actually wanted to be out of town. We do have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable if we want to stay in these relationships. My ambivalence comes when I take myself out of my own story. If I were my best friend I would be telling her to run like hell!!! I feel so bad for these young women trying to work and raise their families and deal with this crap. I also feel for we women of a certain age. There is no one story worse than the other. This is an unforgivable betrayal and to put oneself under the societal pressure to forgive because that is best for us is not realistic. I forgave the first time WAY too soon so I am NOT a big proponent of forgiveness.

You blog and words are awesome. Today is better but there's always tomorrow :)

ann said...

I am 28 months post D-day and though the black doom of despair has subsided for the most part (it comes in waves) I don't think I will ever trust him again. I was completely blindsided and would still be getting trickle-truths if I continued to bring it up. He has been doing most things right (but for the trickle-truth crap) but I KNOW he is still lying about things-- even things unrelated to the affair. Luckily I have had a tracker on his phone for over a year and a half, all calls and texts in and out of his phone are on a real-time log for me to access and read on my phone or computer. He cannot download an app without my approval & my entering a password on his phone. (to avoid apps like the one that gives you multiple untraceable phone numbers to use from your phone!) I can also see any website he accesses, as well as any web engine searches, etc. It also has a GPS tracker so I can see where he is any time (it also keeps a history/log of GPS "pings") I also used at&t smart limits on his phone so his phone is as good as a paperweight between 9pm and 7:30 am, and all women he previously had contact with are completely blocked. It sometimes annoys him but that is the way things will remain as long as it takes. Of course he can use his work (landline) phone & email at work but luckily he is not in a position to use them very often (he does not have a stationary desk at that job)... but as someone who HATES having no control over the past, I have been DAMNED sure taking control since. I also have full access to his facebook and the only female friends on his list are mutual friends (out of 600 friends, only 4-5 are female) as he obviously has problems keeping a friendship with a woman strictly FRIENDSHIP. A tight leash? F*ck yes. You bet. No more blind trust. I was so completely blindsided before and beat myself up every day for not suspecting anything. Well now he has my eyes on him completely. I look at the phone activity logs only about once a week now, but just his knowing that I can look in real time is like having a personal security guard. I do look at his GPS regularly. I am so angry at myself for taking my hands off the wheel with blind faith, and he knows it and feels horrible about it, says he can see in my face & eyes that I no longer have the comfort and peace I (thought I) had before. He says he will do whatever it takes. With all this, I am still in mourning for the loss of my reality, the loss of my comfort zone. It is gone. For good? Probably, sadly enough.

kris said...

Shawn, I don't have to tell you that blogs like yours and sites like THH so helped me through this nightmare. It helped just to know things we were doing, thinking, feeling... everything was normal in our situation. Shawn, remember we named ourselves "Survivor Sisters" because we are all survivors, whether we stayed married or not. Staying and making the marriage work is hard, but it's worth it if both spouses work at it. Trust is still a big issue and he knows that I'm going to ask who was on the phone, where is he going to be and when he is going to be home. We spend a lot of time together and have fun. I have read all along that you have to be your best "you" and work on yourself and all the pieces will fall into place. It does. and it will, it just takes a long time. I am almost 2 years from Dday (Apr) and I am going to try my best to not think about "that day". I will never be the person I was before, and our marriage will never be like it was before, it's sad and good all at the same time. (If that makes any sense)? Keep writing Shawn and others, it really helps getting it all out, even if it's "out" online! :) Hoping the best for you all! Hope and Hugs! Kris

Anonymous said...

I hope you do not mind me asking but did you ever regret marrying?

TryingHard said...

Ann

I need the details of your tools. I have a GPS but it runs out of battery life about every four days and I have to download it. How do you GPS and check the log? Also we have Verizon on the phone. I can download the bills and look at the number but how do you check in real time?

I agree with everything you say and I know it is desperate to put all these controls on them but such is life when one makes bad choices. Like Henry Kissinger said, "trust but verify". No I don't think I will ever trust again and maybe that's a good thing. I don't ever want to take him or my marriage to him for granted. People can be taken away so fast not only by other people and I want him to know how much I truly love and appreciate him everyday. We talk, A LOT, not necessarily about the affair but lots of stuff. I let him know I am listening and I have learned that most times he just wants to vent so I don't offer my opinions. I look nice all the time, hair, make up, clothes and demeanor. No my marriage will never be the same and like you said that may be a good thing. I'm not going to go as far as that book title saying his affair was the best thing that ever happened to my marriage but it has certainly been a wake up call for both of us.

These blogs are so good for all of us. Yes we are sisters.

I do not regret marrying him.

Anonymous said...

I am beyond my wits end. My story makes for a lifetime movie. I always felt that I could do more and did. Now I have nothing else to give. I'm ready to be free. I discovered everything but I want him to confess. Its been two months and no type of intimacy. I refuse to initiate conversation. I don't hate him. I know he has issues but I feel that he needs to make the first move. Yes confession will mean accountability to me. I've been doing ok. Today is just a bad day. The worst part is, she's just waiting on Him. I'm waiting patiently. Today I feel like telling him to please just get the hell out of my life. Why cheat? Why not just leave. Sorry for the ranting.

Momemt by Momemt

ann said...

@Trying Hard:
I installed My Mobile Watchdog and synched our phones. It is $5 a month. It is not stealth *though sometimes I wish it was* and he knows it is on there... your wireless carrier might have a parental controls feature which is what I use to render his phone practically useless b/t 9 pm and 7:30 am. During that time, he can contact people I have pre-approved on a *short* list.
Do I regret marrying him? Yes and no. Sometimes more yes than no and vice-versa. I guess I regret marrying PERIOD. I think if I was independently wealthy, I probably would not be having this conversation. Of course I am super depressed today, that could be depression talking. :-(

shawn thewife said...

Moment by Moment:
This is a perfect place to rant. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. We get it.
I have questions...are you saying you know your H is cheating but you have not confronted him? If so...why in the hell not??
Open, honest communication is the only path to recovery. I can't imagine how hard it would be to know and not say anything!
If you want, please share a bit more of your story. Maybe others here will have some thoughts to help you in your very difficult situation.
I heard a nice saying yesterday that might give you some hope...When things seem to be falling apart, they might just be falling into place.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Erica said...

This is a comment to Faith & anyone else who feels that finding out about their partner's A triggered PTSD. It's a real thing. My individual therapist & our couples therapist believe strongly that an A can bring about PTSD. A growing number of people are trying EMDR for this. I tried it for a bit but it was likely too close to DDay to help. I might try it again because in many, many ways I'm in a good place now (2 years post DDay) except when sex comes around. I trigger badly, feel my heart pounding, start to shake, get that sinking feeling in my stomach, have horrible mind movies, and basically shut down. It's awful. I've tried many techniques to conquer this and may try EMDR again as a way to help. (It helps lots of post-war vets, for example, and others who are tring to work through PTSD.)

Anonymous said...

Moment by Moment

Shawn, I did confront him but he just sits there and doesn't say a word. That only makes me angrier and then I become nasty and a person I don't want to be. I found emails and porn pics from her he insists what I saw isn't what it seems but I don't get an explanation. His rational is that once my mind is made up it cannot be changed. She knows that he's married and doesn't care. I've discovered proof but it wasn't until Sept that I got concrete evidence. I put him out and we were trying and then Feb I found out that he was still in contact with her. That caused me to just become totally distant and cease all unnecessary communications with him. His behavior has changed but no conversation about what transpired. I feel I can't move on until he comes clean because I think he will just go back once we become routine again (the crazy pattern we've established).

I've always made excuses for his behavior but I'm starting to feel this is just who he is. He has self-esteem and mommy issues but my goodness when does it stop.

He made me feel crazy and that I was the problem but I do know now that its not me. He even complains that the children don't love him. His family didn't receive love and don't know how to show love. His mother is very negative and puts down her children all of whom who are successful and progressive.

He doesn't want counseling and knows he has issues. Right now I'm at my wits end. The only thing keeping me is prayer and allowing God to work.


Momemt by Moment.

TryingHard said...

Dealing with the infidelity on any level is awful however I can't even imagine knowing about it and keeping it to myself. I couldn't keep it to myself for 10 minutes. Everyone has their own reason for dealing with this situation in their own time and way. It just aggravates the piss out of me how these cheaters are so heartless, selfish, and stupid. To risk everything for what? I am not even going to worry about the fact that I haven't or have forgiven him yet. I too believe forgiveness is way over rated and something that only people on Oprah talk about. Love to all of you and fight your wars the best way you know how.

shawn thewife said...

Hi Ann!
Many times I've considered ways to track Richard. GPS, phone records, whatever...all a pain in my ass.
Here's what I decided: No matter how hard I work at keeping both eyes on him, if he wants to cheat, he'll find a way. He'll get two phones. Leave his car at work and take a cab. OR...just do it in his office like he did before! Why should I work so damn hard to be sure he isn't cheating when it's so pointless?
I gauge my level of comfort on how he treats me now. Is he readily available when I call? Does he check in with me frequently? Is he home at a reasonable hour everyday? Does he treat me the way I deserve to be treated and show me everyday how much he loves me?
The answer to all of the above is yes. We have boundaries in place. He follows them. I'm fairly certain I would never be as blind as I was before. Could I be wrong? Shit yeah. But, nothing is certain. I go with my gut and my heart.
My gut is my GPS tracking device. My heart is my personal guide.
However..to each her own methods!
I'm not judgin'...just sayin'!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Shawn
I don't know if you realize this but just because he deleted those emails doesn't mean they are gone from you hard drive. They may even still be in your recycle bin. If he got those emails on your home computer they are still on the hard drive. Maybe you no longer need to see them but I would bet they are there.

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: I'm past caring about the emails...Thank God! They don't matter. They never did. They caused me way more harm than good.
My year long quest for the emails and my vendetta against Jaymie was just transference at it finest...or worst...I can't really say.
My anger should have been directed only at Richard. My questions should have been answered only by Richard. I was just too damn scared to look for any kind of help healing from the man that broke me to begin with.
Thanks for the thought, though. If I ever go crazy again...I might consider it!
God Forbid!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

I just saw a question that I missed...
To: Anonymous:
You can ask anything here. Other readers answered your question and I want to answer you, also.
I do not regret marrying Richard. Not at all. I think of how different my life would have been if I didn't marry him, so much I wouldn't have.
Mostly, I wouldn't have my two amazing kids.
Nope. For the most part of 30 years, Richard has been a loving husband, a fabulous father and my best friend.
Wouldn't trade it for a minute.
Thanks for asking.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kris!! My Survivor Sister!!
How are you?? So glad you checked in.
Sounds like you're on the right track. Being your best self...I like it.
You're right. Our marriages will never be the same, but they can be better. Limited trust is challenging but not insurmountable.
Hope DDay passes for you without any drama.
Be happy, Sista'!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

ann said...

hi shawn
i trusted my heart and my gut and look what that got me! i like my trackers. i like that he knows i can see where he is 24/7 and that he knows i can read his texts on my phone, etc. i should have done all that before. i don't necessarily look at all the logs very often, but his knowing i can is what matters to me. luckily, my CH can't get a new phone or take a cab to work, etc. in fact i usually drop him there and keep the car. mine cheated at work, too. i HATE that building! he has offered to quit that job, which makes me happy. he also has a home business which makes way more than that job anyway... more time here would mean more money to boot ;-)

mswife said...

It's been seven months today. D Day.
I didn't have a clue, caught him texting her.
It is not his first A. There was also one years ago. Married over 20 years.
The mind movies are huge for me. Having sex with him is awful. I even ask him during sex if he did this, like this with her.
How sick am I?

shawn thewife said...

Mswife: You're not sick at all. You're a normal betrayed spouse. I call the images Brain Worms. They're like parasites eating away your sanity. You can learn to beat them off, but it takes a lot of practice and a long, damn time with behavior modification. I thought the idea was stupid, but it worked for me.
I'd let myself think about Richard with Jaymie for a few minutes a day. THINK HARD. Then, if any of the brain worms showed up later I began my mantra, "I do not need to think about this now. It will not help me to think about this now. I will NOT think about this NOW!" It actually began to work after a few weeks. No one was more surprised than cynical me!
Don't expect too much from yourself. The Road to Happy is long and arduous. But, if your WH is doing the work to help you heal, you can end up with a better marriage than you ever thought possible.
I know...as hard to believe as the dumb mantra, right? I can only tell you that it has happened for me.
I wish it for you, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Trish said...

Brain worms!!! That's a perfect way to describe these effing mind movies!! It pisses me off, because the thoughts creep in unwelcome and unwanted...all it takes is something on tv, the name Carmen ( the skanky whore's name ), the word 'affair'...and my mind is off and running. I start thinking about all her emails telling him how great the sex was, in graphic detail, and I start imagining them together - what he's doing, what she's doing...GRR!!! I've asked him to tell me exactly what happened and all he said was it was ordinary, nothing special sex - no oral either way. Huh...well, if it was so ordinary and nothing special, why keep going back for more?? When we're intimate, I always wonder, did he do this with her? Did he touch her that way? Anything he does slightly different I automatically start thinking, is this how it was with her? It has been over 2 years since his affair...about 8 months since the trickle truth crap ended and he actually confessed the entire truth...I just want the craziness to end. I already struggled with depression before all this so I have been on an antidepressant...I'm thinking maybe it's not enough!!! I guess sometimes I just want to be numb and just not FEEL anymore, because I'm so sick and tired of thinking about it and feeling like an emotional basket case. Do we ever get to feel semi-normal again? :-(

Sarah Tower said...

I love your blog- I just had to comment- My husband and I have been together 14 years- he almost lost everything for a 6 week affair with a BW whs is literally sitting in prison for her thrid DWI- not even jail- real life prison... Anyway I am 3 1/2 months post dday and still struggle to breathe some days... I have had very little contact with the BW - well she was only in the free world for 3 weeks post dday to be fair- hahahaha but I still really struggle with the thoughts of that drunk whore going through my brain... I quite frankly hate it and anytime she crosses my mind it makes me hate my husband- which is ALOT. Anyway- I didn't mean to post a long post- just wanted to say how much I love your blog- Thanks :)

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Sarah: You never have to apologize for posting here. Long/short...whatever. We're here to support each other.
I understand hating your WH. I thought I hated Richard, too. You know what they say...there's nothing but a very thin line between love and hate. Love and hate are strong emotions, passionate. We don't just like them, we don't just sort of not like them either...it's all or nothing, right?
I think an emotion as strong as hate can only come from love. Because if you didn't really care about the person you "hate", you wouldn't waste the effort, right? You just wouldn't give a shit.
Plus, for me, it was easier to hate him, to be completely angry with him than learn to deal with how much I hurt inside. Anger is so much easier than vulnerable.
It's still very early in the healing process for you. I'm really happy to hear you have no contact with OW! That right there is a huge jump start to recovery.
Check in with us anytime. Comment often. you will not be walking your Road back to Happy alone. We'll be keeping pace, too!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Sherry said...

I am one year past D-Day and I still cannot use the real names of my husbands affair partners. I cannot find it in myself to give them the respect of using their actual name. They knew my husband was married and they didn't care. I cannot respect people like that.