After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Feeding of my Dark Side OR Where was Yoda When I Needed Him?

Have I mentioned the fact that I had been spending way too much time on Jaymie's Facebook page?  I'm sure that doesn't surprise anyone.  Up until this point, which was March 2011, about 6 months post DDay, Jaymie was my hobby.
(hobby...a lovely euphemism for obsession)

I surfed all over the world wide web for any and all info/dirt on Jaymie that I could find. (Online for hours and it never occurred to me to search for  infidelity support forums for an entire year...Duh.) She had a MySpace page that dated back to her high school days.  Found something from a page called Xanga in 2005.  I learned about her participation in a debate team called Paradigm.  Don't know if she was any good or not.  She sure could spew some juicy rhetoric in emails.  Perhaps she was as adept verbally as well.  I find it difficult to comprehend that she honed her debating skills as a member of the "comedy team" at her church on the first Friday of every month, but the article I read, maybe dozens times, stated just that.

Hours of my life that I'll never get back were wasted.  What could be gained from squandering my time online looking at irrelevant factoids about this ridiculously young, morally bankrupt woman?

If only I had been privy to the wisdom of Yoda:
Fear is the path to the Dark Side.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering. 

I had all that in spades!!
I sure had fear.  Fear of the very real possibility that my marriage was over.  Fear of my lack of self control!   Anger was my emotion of choice.  The majority of my time, I seethed!
Hatred oozed from my pores for Jaymie!
And that amount of animosity can only lead to suffering.  It damages your soul.
My dark side was wide awake.
I'd send Jaymie yet another email, demanding her attention, that would be ignored...then, born from that frustration and anger, I'd watch her Facebook page for any new post, regardless of how insignificant.  My heart beat faster when she posted pictures.  Each new comment fed my ravenous dark side.  It grew so much stronger, much more powerful than my rational side.
I'm starting to understand why.
There were two reasons I believe I couldn't Let the Bitch Whore Go.
1:  I was looking for a way to get her to send me the emails.  I was absolutely convinced that she held the key to why Richard cheated.  I wanted to know what she had that I didn't.  There had to be something huge!  Richard wouldn't risk 30 years with me for a scrawny, flat chested community college student unless she possessed a secret treasure that he coveted.  I'd never discover what that treasure was without the emails. get it.  I was ALL ABOUT the emails.

2:  This one really makes me take a good, long look into my warped psyche, my dark side.
Every time I clicked on the bookmarked page that was Jaymie, I hoped to see she'd been thrown out of school, disgraced in her church or, when I really felt the core of my morbid hatred toward her, when I was in the zone of maleficent loathing, I wished for notification she had suffered bodily harm.  With any luck at all, she'll have been in a horrific car crash that left her a quadriplegic, barely alive, a vegetable on a breathing tube.

PLEASE don't judge me.  I know you must be thinking, "WHOA!  Shawn was WAY over the top!  Nobody deserves to be hated THAT much!  Not even a despicable slut like Jaymie!"
If it makes you feel any better, I think the same thing....Now.  It hurts my heart deeply to know how much hostility and animosity I was capable of then.  It pains me even more to know, that umbrage lives in me today.  I fed it for so long, it grew so strong, it took a part of me that I'll never get back.
Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted heart.

I know I don't need to continue to preach Let the Bitch Whore Go.  Did that in many previous posts.
But, I do want to reiterate why you should let her go...not just because she can't help you understand why your husband cheated.  She never will.  She has no clue.
Not just because you can never hurt her the way she hurt you.  You know you can't.  The pain betrayed spouses feel is distinct and specific to each of us.
Let her go because if you don't, you are injuring yourself forever.  You're losing pieces of yourself that you won't notice until it's too late, until they are irretrievable.
I never want any of you to have to regret anything the way I regret allowing myself to become lost in my delusion, my nightmare that was Jaymie.

It's a scary thing to become so well acquainted with your dark side.  We all have one, but to the wisest among us, their dark sides remain strangers.   Most of us don't take it out and examine it thoroughly because it's too difficult, too haunting.  I wish I had never gotten to know mine in such a profound way, but maybe my story will help you keep your dark side under lock and key.  My guess is after DDay you'll need to nurture it for at least a short time.  You can't discover your spouse has been unfaithful and NOT hate the affair partner...CAN YOU??
Well, if you were able to find nothing my forgiveness in your heart after DDay, please let me know.  I'll write directly to the Pope on your behalf requesting an immediate appointment to sainthood.

For everyone else...try to limit your association with your dark side.  I promise, you'll begin your walk on the Road to Happy MUCH sooner if you put it away as soon as possible.  Let your dark side rule the way I did, and it'll scar you for life.

Richard called it.  He said sometimes when we were in the lovely Dr. K's office, he'd look at the contorted grimace on my face, hear my cold, calculated words and wonder, "Where's Shawn?  Who is this person sitting next to me that detests me?"  Richard had no control over my dark side and he hated her.  He told me he did.
Can you believe the man didn't hit the ground running?  I can't.

My dark side is now dormant.  I haven't fed it in months and so, much to my relief, it hibernates.  I'm able to revisit what my dark side hath wrought while keeping it at bay.
Because my dark side sleeps, I can continue to share the story of what happened when it ran amok.

It was just at about this point that Jaymie blocked me from her FB page.  Whatever.  You all know signing up for a fake FB page is free and easy!  I was back in business and pissed.  My dark side decided to punish her.
I sent the email she had written to Richard after their last night together to her Christian Daddy, James.  It was quite the tantalizing bit of prose.  (If you wanna read it...Rough Night)
Knowing Richard would never try to stop me and my dark side, and to be sure the email was delivered and read, I sent it from his email address.
James was not pleased.


Kari said...

Shawn, thanks for continuing to share your story. One year post D-Day, and I still struggle to let the OW go. It's sort of funny, actually. I think I still think about her because I want to know that she "gets" what she did. That she feels an immense amount of remorse. That she can't sleep at night. That she comprehends the depth of the damage and pain she contributed to. But I don't know any of that because she's never responded to my heartfelt (and much too nice) emails. She's never said she's sorry. She's just ignored ne. I have actually contacted her VERY little. The last time being in October when I discovered that the A had continued for some time after then initial D-Day. I guess, in my head, I feel like if she "got it", my faith in humanity would be restored a bit. It's hard not to think about her. I think about her daily, actually, wondering if she has any idea what this has done to myself, our family, and our marriage. I know I shouldn't care so much, but I do. She wasn't the one married to me. My H was, and he chose to have an A with an ugly, slutty 25 year old who stroked his ego (and more). He chose to risk everything we had worked for--two Ivy League educated college sweethearts, climbing the corporate ladder, buying our first house in our dream neighborhood, and becoming parents to a beautiful little girl. He will say that he never didn't love me. He never didn't want to be married to me. But yet, HE risked it all. She just happened to be the willing whore. I just need to let her go, but I'm not sure how.

Flaca said...

I guess because I know the OW was & is a terrible person who said/wrote terrible things about me I really have NO interest in hearing her side. She has NO EXCUSE. She is a whore.

Yes my CS chose her as his AP but she's a terrible person. I didn't know her from Adam but she knew me, she knew he was married, she knew he had kids.

Woman to Woman I told her, "Bitch you better watch your back because Karma is a bitch, bigger than me... and you will get yours."

I dont care that she wasn't married to me - like I told her, "as a human being and a woman" she owed me some damn common decency to obey a lesson that my own small children understand, "treat others as you want to be treated. keep your hands to yourself & don't take things that don't belong to you."

I still think of her, sometimes, but mostly I remain hurt by the CS. I am embarrassed for him. She was fucking lame.

Unknown said...

Shawn & Kari, Oh, how your words resonated with me! I so wanted revenge on the other woman as well!
I cannot believe my husband risked so much by having his affair. How it hurt when in the marriage counselor's office (we were discussing how he could NOT be friends with her, either!), when I said he was not being fair to HER- this was the time when he finally got it! He was more worried about HER and not hurting HER, than me!
We've been married 38 (!) years, have two ivy league educated kids, a granddaughter and another on the way. He cheated with an OLDER woman who he works with, but a subordinate. He opened his firm up not only for sexual harassment charges, but age-discrimination if she were to be let go. And he still works with her!!!!!!!! OUCH!
I am amazed both you gals even contacted those bitch whores. Seriously, you won, right? Let HER wonder what's going on. Let her be tormented by her thoughts about YOU! I made my hubby buy me a diamond heart necklace last month. I never take it off. It might be a bit cheesy if I am to believe one of my friends, but I know that when people look at me in it, the thought has to cross their minds that someone loves me. Someone who loves me, bought me that! Since the bitch whore is still somewhere in the orbit of my life, I will probably see her eventually. Let her see my diamond heart, let her think those thoughts! That will hurt her, surely. I created a Pinterest page in her name. I put all kinds of things on it. The hotel where they did it, the building where they both work, quotes that chastise her, quotes about God, guilt, evil. You get the idea. It's very cathartic! Her name is not so unusual, there could be other people with that name. So if anyone randomly stumbles across this Pinterest page, there are doubts. And those who know, know.
My therapist said don't triangulate! The marriage is between me and my husband. Do not bring the other woman into it. That is what hubby did. I cling to that advice. It's so true. Each day I am so grateful we are together. Each day I show my husband that. Luckily, he shows me,too. That isn't to say that daily I do not think of revenge, real revenge. Each day I ask God to have HER feel my pain tenfold. Sounds awful, but it's really not. I hurt so bad. I still hurt. My feelings are real, they are honest. I am reigning myself in so I do not feel the effect of "bomerang karma". I hope there is karma. I hope there is a special place in hell for that bitch. Maybe if she wasn't so ready to spread her legs, my husband would not have strayed, would have turned to me. Who knows. But I say clean up your acts, wounded ones. Stay away from those evil bitches. Exercise some self-discipline. Find an outlet for yourself that won't hurt you. And focus on what you do want for your life, your marriage, your future. Stay busy. It helps reset the channel in your brain.
Love and hugs to all of us!

Manuela Costa said...

The OW in my case was a "friend" so yeah I was obsessed with her for a while.

They did end the 3yr affair, but only after he finally moved out.
She went back to her husband.

She's on my mind today, because I just found out she is apparently pregnant.

So, I'm sort of conflicted about this.. not that I should care. But it's that OW obsession that you talk about.

I sort feel like, Gee thanks for coming into my life, ruining it and now you have a chance at starting a new life, without seeming to be suffering any consequences.

On the other hand I'm relieved, at least I know, that now she won't be in my kids life and I won't have deal with her in future.

Hope she gets really fat, can't even see her as mother... kids to her was something you didn't even acknowledge, let alonge play with.

This was a "look everybody, it was just a little nothing affair, I am sooo happy with my husband" baby!

Makes me gag!!

ann said...

my husband's whore actually told him she wanted to rub salt in my wounds. can you believe that? what a piece of work. i ended up putting the fear of god in her and she had to move. if she hadn't been such a bitch to me, i wouldn't have been so consumed with blinding hatred and rage toward her. was that past tense? i still am! she thinks i'm a lunatic and feels sorry for my CH. well, i was always taught 'ya don't fuck with crazy!' so she found that out the scary way. she actually thought I was ruining HER relationship with my husband! talk about loony! she was so upset that she couldn't have my life. well, since all this i hear she was left at the altar LOL--> karma is a bigger bitch than me, it seems LOL

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing that was so helpful. I will probably read this again and again. I was recently blocked on fb. And when I read about getting a new account I thought what a great idea. Lol. But you're right. I don't want to waste that kind of energy. Would rather play solitaire or some other mindless app.

It doesn't help to hear from the OW. Mine said I'm sorry. But not sorry for falling in love with him. Yah yah yah Sorry for the things I said but I just don't know any amazing things about you.....yah yah yah. My stupid H even brought my 3yr old on their dates. And when I mentioned to her that I was so upset that he did that so upset at his poor decisions she said she was offended bc she would never hurt him. Even tho I mentioned that for one month my 3 yr old would tell he I hung out with daddy and his friend. I said who did you hang out with and I would get a blank stare. I would ask how did that make you feel. Another blank stare. But she has the nerve to respond when he is with us....really??? Anyways point being she don't care that he's married or has a family.

Eat My Scabs said...

My other woman was other women---prostitutes---and i almost instantly felt sorry for them. the more i learned about their world the more terrible i felt about mr scabs abuses against them. how could this man, the man i married, the man who rubbed my feet when i was exhausted, the man who fathered our could this man so easily use, abuse, disregard and throw away another human being without any regard. I was sick with that feeling and honestly--this insight into his ugly soul hurt me more than all the cheating. How could he be so cruel.

if the ow had been someone i knew or at least someone normal i think i would go as bananas as you did with the emails. I resonate with what Flaca says about as a fellow woman and human being ---it makes no sense.

shawn thewife said...

I told Jaymie something similar the one and only day I saw her in person right after DDay, during the meeting with Richard in his office.
I said something like...You should be ashamed of yourself. Real women don't treat each other this way. I can give you a bit of a pass for being so selfish and stupid because you're still so young, but if you continue on this path, you'll never be a real woman, just a whore.

She said, "I didn't come here to defend myself."
I said, "That's because there is no defense for what you did."

I soooooo believe this! I do not understand how one woman can do something so heinous to another woman. But, life is full of self-serving assholes. Best to steer clear of them as soon as they enter our radar! Save our maneuvering for the asshole at home that might have a chance at redemption!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Dana: Triangulate = transference.
I was the Empress of Transference!

I couldn't face how angry I was at Richard. I couldn't deal with the pain HE caused me, so I aimed at Jaymie!
Such an exercise in self-destruction!

Who could argue women that knowingly sleep with married men have the lowest of morals and self- esteem? Maybe another OW, but that's it!
It's not even debatable so what good does it do for us to keep harping on it??
When we continue to obsess about the OW we are way off the Road to Happy. Why make the journey so much harder??
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Jules said...

Before my h cheated on me, I used to believe for someone to cheat, there was something wrong with the spouse. Unfortunately, I think there is a lot of that perception out there. Even when I first found out, I remember saying, what did I do wrong? His response, nothing, you're perfect. I need to have my head examined. One time I learned of someone else having an a and discussing it with my mom. My mom thought the ow was a fool. I said, well maybe she has something the w doesn't have. My mom said, but HE'S STILL THE SAME PERSON! Why would she want a cheater? Her words keep ringing in my ears. I believe the ow believes they have something we as the bw's don't have, or give them something they think we can't give them.

Through Healing Heart, Not Just Friends and TONS of other reading and some ic, I've learned it is not the betrayed that there is something wrong with. I know now that there is something wrong with the betrayer, whether it's a character flaw, an insecurity, a moral defect or just a complete lapse in judgement that turned into the frog in the boiling water, that makes someone cheat. I've learned that good people in good marriages can cheat, if poor boundaries are set - it can be as simple as that. The stats are like 75% of all affairs where the wayward and the op actually try to make a real relationship work in light END. When reality hits, neither person is who the other thought they were in the a. And usually, the married party/parties realize the f'd up big time and try to reconcile what they had, because the op had nothing the bs had.

The ow's don't think about us and what they are doing to us and our kids. They think, well he's not happy, I can make him happy. In the same way a wayward has some defect that makes them cheat, I believe the ow has some defect that makes it ok to get involved with a married man. But dealing with, thinking about, talking to, harassing, emailing the ow, they will never learn their lesson, be remorseful, experience as much pain as us or be humiliated. EVER!

They made us irrelevant when they took off their clothes and put their hands on our h's. I CHOOSE to make the ow irrelevant. It's work. The only emotion I feel is mild anger. I am actually working on forgiving her. If I can do that, I'll forget her altogether. The ow in my case knows me, in fact I used to be her friend too. Then it was clear she only interacted with me as much as she had to so she could really be friends with my h. The day after she slept with my h, I got mad because he lied to me about where he was, not even thinking something had happened between them. She knew I would start limiting their contact, so she sent me a facebook friend request. That's right, she f'd my husband and then sent me a facebook friend request. She has kids of her own and is no longer married to their father. So she would wish that on me/my kids and try to break up my family? Did she think she is that wonderful that she can take my place or add to my ability to mother my children?

The only thing I blame myself for is not affair-proofing my marriage. I blindly trusted my h. I had faith in him as well as faith in our relationship. Faith that he would come to me before he would do something like that. That he always did the right thing. That we had a happy marriage and an amazing life together, so why would he jeopardize that? Two weeks before he did this, we had a date night and he held my hand across the table and said, I love you. I love our life, our kids...everything. Why would I think he would cheat on me? He had no intentions of doing it, but he became the frog in the boiling water because he had no boundaries and I didn't make him maintain any because I trusted him. Again, anyone can cheat if you put them in the wrong situation.

Anyway, ow should be irrelevant, we certainly were! I'm more concerned with not being a blind fool going forward. And I don't want to become bitter. Bitter isn't pretty.

ann said...

"anyone can cheat if you put them in the wrong situation. " i don't believe that at all. it is a character flaw. the person who is going to cheat or has cheated has a problem. not everyone has this flaw.

Anonymous said...

Do you thnk because you have been so harsh to her is why she doesn not want to? Yes she is morally bankrupt but she is young & everyone makes mistakes. Now for your 60 year old husband who preyed on this extremely young and morally bankrupt girl, that is who you should be focused on, your morally bankrupt hubby, who was tinkering on the edge of pedophilia if you ask me. I do love reading your blog though but I am honestly worried about you. I know you are over a year past D-day, so it's been some time. How much longer can you go on like this?

Jeff Thompson said...

Hi, just stumbled onto your blog. You have spent way, way, way too much energy on this.

I found out my wife as having an affair last year. I read her phone and found the sms nessages. I kicked the slut out and haven't looked back. Since this all happened a year ago, she has tried to commit suicide 3 times and has been institutionalised. I don't need to exact revenge. Her undoing is my revenge and I rub salt in the wound by good living.

Let it go and heal.

Wishing you the best.

shawn thewife said...

Manuela: This is the perfect opportunity to Let the Bitch Whore Go! She's starting a new life. It'll keep her out of yours!
I hope your family is able to move forward on your Road to Happy!
And...I too hope the OW gets as fat as a Sumo wrestler!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Jeff: You're right...I spent WAY too much energy on this...if by mean Jaymie.
If by mean my marriage. You'd be wrong. It took me much too long to find my Road to Happy, but I'm fairly certain I have a really good map now and I'm on the healing path.
OR...if you're referring to this blog, it is my therapy! It has been one of the most cathartic things I've done since DDay.
PLUS...the bonus is...sometimes it helps other betrayed spouses, too. Gotta love that.
I'm really glad the choice you made after your DDay was the one that put you on your Road to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Hi, Anonymous: Not to worry! I think maybe you're confused about the fact that I'm telling the story of what happened to me well over a year ago. I haven't tried to talk to Jaymie since late 2011. That's when I started this blog and found the Healing Heart online support forum. Saved my life.
So please don't fret. My feet are firmly planted on my Road to Happy.
Thanks for caring!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

I would repost your comment in all CAPS if I could!
Not everyone will cheat. Most people won't cheat. It's a sad, misinformed outlook to think otherwise.
Cheaters have ingrained personality defects. Neediness, low self-esteem, narcissistic tendencies or sexual name a few.
To put in simply...cheaters have issues!!
No way everybody will cheat if given the opportunity. It just ain't so!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

ann said...

lol shawn, i think my H has ALL of those issues! if he wasn't so sweet and remorseful, i would have left already. i am, however, having a hard go of recovery, and separating still isn't out of the realm of possibility... i have always been a strict 0 tolerance on cheating type person and it is very very hard for me to stay... but giving it time to see if i can even remotely accept what happened and put it behind me. so far that does not seem to be happening at all... it has only been nearly 29 months since dday, i am not sure how much time to give myself. there really isn't a moment where the A isn't on my mind... i was better on meds but am off them now (antidepressants and mood stabilizers, as i had a nervous breakdown 2 mos after dday); i may very well need to get back on them :( i am still in shock, stuck, not moving forward, even in therapy. :( most days are mediocre, some are bad, some are torture.

betrayalsurvivor1981 said...

Shawn, Mr and Mrs B would be honored if You AND Richard (if Richard's participation is acceptable to you; if not, then just You) would take their survey:

( I LOVE your blog, Shawn, but I don't currently own a computer [my computer "died" and had to be "buried." I'm on someone else's computer at this moment]. Also, I have an "antique" word-limiting, snippets-posting-only phone that won't allow me to post on blogspot [it lets me post on wordpress]. Therefore, I can't post comments on your blog unless I'm on a computer, which isn't often. Bummer! :( )

Shawn, my story, along with my LONG response to a 2/14/13 question posed to me by "Susan" (an OW), can be found in the Comments section of the above blog (a dual-perspective blog of 2 of my cyberfriends. The WH writes the blog, and his BW responds in the Comments section of each post):

( Also, his BW has her own blog that she writes, and her WH [whyhaveanaffair] responds in the Comments section of each post: )

:) Sincerely, betrayalsurvivor1981 (aka "1981") :)

By: betrayalsurvivor1981 on March 30, 2013
at 1:45 am

Kate said...

Thank God I found your blog. I'm 3 1/2 months post D-Day. I discovered his affair less than a week before Christmas. Sometimes I think the shock has subsided... but then other times, like tonight, I don't think that's real. There are times that nothing feels real. I don't feel real. I feel hollow.

I've read a lot and have lots more to catch up on.... but I love your wit and attitude, and your honesty. I don't feel as alone now.

shawn thewife said...

Ann: "Stuck" is not unusual for a betrayed spouse. You are mending a deep wound. Healing takes lots of time and care. The Road to Happy is longer for some, that doesn't mean you should stop walking toward your place of recovery.
If you need meds, use them! I liken mood stabilizers to putting a cast on a broken limb. Our hearts are broken! Our brain can't fathom the betrayal. If you need a cast...get one. There is no shame is doing all you can to be happy again.
BUT....You will need to work on living in the NOW. Focus on today. If your WH is remorseful and his actions prove that, then concentrate on the man he is now...not then. You can do it. Make your self CHOOSE to be happy. It takes practice,but it gets easier. I promise.
And...try reading the Healing Heart message boards. There is so much support there! I'm sure you'll find others that will share the many ways they found the Road to Happy again. The link is at the bottom of my blog.
You're never alone in this. We got your back!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

1981: Thanks for checking in and thanks for the links to the other blogs. It never ceases to amaze me how many betrayed spouses are out there in the blog-o-sphere! I try to read as many as I can, but this blog (and life!) keeps me pretty busy!
MOST perspectives are helpful in one way or another, so I look forward to checking out the survey.
I'll read your answers so I can know where you are in recovery. I hope your feet are firmly planted on your Road to Happy.
Join us again soon!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

(((Kate))) You are not alone! No one should try to go through the aftermath of betrayal alone. Your description of your emotions and mental state are so familiar. Hollow is an excellent word. For me, the hollow feeling stemmed from disbelief. In all of our 30 years together it never occurred to me that Richard would cheat. It took a very long time just to accept what he'd done. For now, just take care of you. Do what you need to do to be OK. Eat right, exercise, find good IC if you can...whatever! It's all about you!
Then, if you decide to try and heal your marriage, please consider MC. Even when your WH commits to total honesty and he shows you his deep regret everyday with his actions, it is very hard to know how to talk about an affair in a healing way...too much anger and pain. It helps to have a guide through the mess. I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found us. We'll be here anytime you need support. Hope & Hugs, Shawn

brokenglass said...

Hey - I am stumbling through the void of solitude. I am the victim of similar circumstances. But I am a guy. I am beginning to explore my experience in my own blog and it is raw. Too raw at times. I need to express all that has been locked in side my little brain for three years as I build my life and keep my famly together. I have good days and altogether horrendous days. The long weekend that just elapsed gave me far too much doubting time.

How do you get over this. Do you ever get over this, or do you just accept it and move on? Please help

mswife said...

I found your blog while searching the internet for answers and perhaps something to help me ease the pain of betrayal. I am 7 months past DDay.
Still up and down and feeling crazy.
Thank you all for helping me to know that I'm not alone.

shawn thewife said...

Brokenglass: I know your anguish. It is a deep wound...raw. Your pain is no different as a guy than mine as a woman. Both our hearts can be broken.
Wounds heal, the pain diminishes, but you will always have the scars. Those continue to ache from time to time.
Moving on doesn't mean you forget or even forgive, you can just accept what happened and learn to live in the NOW. I know...easier typed than done, but it's possible. I was so far off the road to happy for so long and I made it back. If you can focus on today and how your wayward spouse is now, if she is doing all you need to help you recover, in time, you might find yourself having many more good days than bad.
Blogging was the beginning of my healing. It helped me so much to dump my pain into cyberspace. I also recommend the Healing Heart online support forum. The link is on the bottom of my blog. Check it out. Many wonderful, compassionate, wise people will reach out when you need an assist. You can't do this alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

mswife: You're not alone. This is not something you can do alone. I always recommend IC and the Healing Heart online support forum. The link is on the bottom of my blog. Plus...we are always here.
In my mind...Healing from the brutal agony of betrayal is a team sport!
We're all on your team, Sister! Just let us know what we can do.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

mswife said...

Thank you shawn. I feel safe and welcomed here and just registered at The Healing Heart.
I will try to make my way through your blog and hope I can find some help and comfort.

Anonymous said...

Sign me up for that sainthood...or the asylum. Not only do I not hate the OW, sometimes I want to reach out and help her. I will not do that because I do not want to create a weird situation. I realize she was having a tough time in her marriage, too. I kind of relate to her, except I did not choose to seek support from someone else's husband. My husband told me about her situation and my heart went out to her. I understand why he was attracted to her wounded soul and wanted to help. Of course, I told my husband if he would have given me the emotional support bestowed on her, he might not have had to go looking.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: WOW! St. are officially the Saint of The world's most compassionate betrayed spouses!
Are you telling me you had NO anger? No RAGE? And you managed that without booze and Xanax?
Wow again.
Hey...we all deal with our pain differently. I always say there's not just one right way...there's lots of right ways and WAY too many wrong ways!
Hope you are on a solid path to healing.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Michelle said...

I have spent a good portion of last night Nd today reading your blog. My DD was July 31st, one day before my 40th birthday. I have been able to relate to so much of what you have shared, but this post has hit the nail on the head for me. I currently am not welcoming my husband home and he is sleeping in the barn he uses in a wood shop. I have spent so much time focusing on Heather. What the draw was... What she provided. What made her better than me. In fact, I texted her nasty messages so often that she threatened to send the police to my house, but she didn't follow through.

I have been desperate to make her FEEL even a fraction of the pain she caused me. Desperation doesn't even describe it. I feel a hair's breadth away from crazy whenever she comes to mind and, as you know, it is often if not constant.

But, your story has knocked a bit of clarity into my frazzled head. Thank you for putting it all out there. It does help to realize that others have travelled this misery laden road.

shawn thewife said...

(((Michelle))) You are so very fresh into the mess. The mere fact that you are already doing the work to retain your sanity is a true show of strength! Instead of lashing out, you are reaching out for support. You are obviously a much stronger and smarter woman than I ever was.
I have always said that if any betrayed spouse that reads this blog only takes one thing away from it, I hope it's let the affair partner go. The compass of true healing points to the cheater. That is where the walk on your Road to Happy will begin.
Please consider checking out The Healing Heart message Boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog homepage.
It is a small forum, very intimate, full of support, compassion and wisdom shared by those that walked the road to happy after infidelity before you. Healing is so much easier when you don't try to do it alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn