Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The Feeding of my Dark Side OR Where was Yoda When I Needed Him?
(hobby...a lovely euphemism for obsession)
I surfed all over the world wide web for any and all info/dirt on Jaymie that I could find. (Online for hours and it never occurred to me to search for infidelity support forums for an entire year...Duh.) She had a MySpace page that dated back to her high school days. Found something from a page called Xanga in 2005. I learned about her participation in a debate team called Paradigm. Don't know if she was any good or not. She sure could spew some juicy rhetoric in emails. Perhaps she was as adept verbally as well. I find it difficult to comprehend that she honed her debating skills as a member of the "comedy team" at her church on the first Friday of every month, but the article I read, maybe dozens times, stated just that.
Hours of my life that I'll never get back were wasted. What could be gained from squandering my time online looking at irrelevant factoids about this ridiculously young, morally bankrupt woman?
If only I had been privy to the wisdom of Yoda:
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
I had all that in spades!!
I sure had fear. Fear of the very real possibility that my marriage was over. Fear of my lack of self control! Anger was my emotion of choice. The majority of my time, I seethed!
Hatred oozed from my pores for Jaymie!
And that amount of animosity can only lead to suffering. It damages your soul.
My dark side was wide awake.
I'd send Jaymie yet another email, demanding her attention, that would be ignored...then, born from that frustration and anger, I'd watch her Facebook page for any new post, regardless of how insignificant. My heart beat faster when she posted pictures. Each new comment fed my ravenous dark side. It grew so much stronger, much more powerful than my rational side.
I'm starting to understand why.
There were two reasons I believe I couldn't Let the Bitch Whore Go.
1: I was looking for a way to get her to send me the emails. I was absolutely convinced that she held the key to why Richard cheated. I wanted to know what she had that I didn't. There had to be something huge! Richard wouldn't risk 30 years with me for a scrawny, flat chested community college student unless she possessed a secret treasure that he coveted. I'd never discover what that treasure was without the emails.
OK...you get it. I was ALL ABOUT the emails.
2: This one really makes me take a good, long look into my warped psyche, my dark side.
Every time I clicked on the bookmarked page that was Jaymie, I hoped to see she'd been thrown out of school, disgraced in her church or, when I really felt the core of my morbid hatred toward her, when I was in the zone of maleficent loathing, I wished for notification she had suffered bodily harm. With any luck at all, she'll have been in a horrific car crash that left her a quadriplegic, barely alive, a vegetable on a breathing tube.
PLEASE don't judge me. I know you must be thinking, "WHOA! Shawn was WAY over the top! Nobody deserves to be hated THAT much! Not even a despicable slut like Jaymie!"
If it makes you feel any better, I think the same thing....Now. It hurts my heart deeply to know how much hostility and animosity I was capable of then. It pains me even more to know, that umbrage lives in me today. I fed it for so long, it grew so strong, it took a part of me that I'll never get back.
Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted heart.
I know I don't need to continue to preach Let the Bitch Whore Go. Did that in many previous posts.
But, I do want to reiterate why you should let her go...not just because she can't help you understand why your husband cheated. She never will. She has no clue.
Not just because you can never hurt her the way she hurt you. You know you can't. The pain betrayed spouses feel is distinct and specific to each of us.
Let her go because if you don't, you are injuring yourself forever. You're losing pieces of yourself that you won't notice until it's too late, until they are irretrievable.
I never want any of you to have to regret anything the way I regret allowing myself to become lost in my delusion, my nightmare that was Jaymie.
It's a scary thing to become so well acquainted with your dark side. We all have one, but to the wisest among us, their dark sides remain strangers. Most of us don't take it out and examine it thoroughly because it's too difficult, too haunting. I wish I had never gotten to know mine in such a profound way, but maybe my story will help you keep your dark side under lock and key. My guess is after DDay you'll need to nurture it for at least a short time. You can't discover your spouse has been unfaithful and NOT hate the affair partner...CAN YOU??
Well, if you were able to find nothing my forgiveness in your heart after DDay, please let me know. I'll write directly to the Pope on your behalf requesting an immediate appointment to sainthood.
For everyone else...try to limit your association with your dark side. I promise, you'll begin your walk on the Road to Happy MUCH sooner if you put it away as soon as possible. Let your dark side rule the way I did, and it'll scar you for life.
Richard called it. He said sometimes when we were in the lovely Dr. K's office, he'd look at the contorted grimace on my face, hear my cold, calculated words and wonder, "Where's Shawn? Who is this person sitting next to me that detests me?" Richard had no control over my dark side and he hated her. He told me he did.
Can you believe the man didn't hit the ground running? I can't.
My dark side is now dormant. I haven't fed it in months and so, much to my relief, it hibernates. I'm able to revisit what my dark side hath wrought while keeping it at bay.
Because my dark side sleeps, I can continue to share the story of what happened when it ran amok.
It was just at about this point that Jaymie blocked me from her FB page. Whatever. You all know signing up for a fake FB page is free and easy! I was back in business and pissed. My dark side decided to punish her.
I sent the email she had written to Richard after their last night together to her Christian Daddy, James. It was quite the tantalizing bit of prose. (If you wanna read it...Rough Night)
Knowing Richard would never try to stop me and my dark side, and to be sure the email was delivered and read, I sent it from his email address.
James was not pleased.