Let me elaborate...Metaphorically speaking, (which my regular readers know I enjoy!) my marriage was the forest. The forest had been severely damaged. It had become infested, but I couldn't see it because of the trees. My trees had a name. They were called Jaymie. In the previously mentioned funny way, my brain was protecting me by focusing my vision, my undivided attention and my pain on Jaymie, AKA the trees, because I was no where close to finding a way to actually face how Richard, the hallowed keeper of my marriage, AKA the forest, had betrayed me.
(Too metaphorical?? Maybe. Sorry.)
You might have assumed the trees had another name, the emails. Nope. Not really. The emails were a means to my ultimate goal. As I have been telling my story I've come to believe, if not yet completely understand, the emails were another trick of my brain. I had convinced myself, with the help of my rapid firing, creative grey matter, the emails were essential to me ever being capable of moving forward, absolutely crucial, vital to my slim hope of marital recovery.
The email trees were a massive blockade on my Road to Happy.
My mission was to break through the blockade and have my multitude of questions about Richard's affair answered. I convinced myself that my mission was pure and good because my goal was to heal my marriage.
I consider myself a fairly intelligent woman...albeit a tad slow on the uptake at times. My slow brain has played catch up and now I get that the trees, blocking my view of a better, healthier forest weren't really the emails....Like I said before...Call the trees, the mental blinders I wore and my obsession...Jaymie.
I've gone back through all the emails I sent to Jaymie the next few months. I didn't just ask her for the emails she exchanged with Richard. I wanted her to face me. It was all about having an opportunity to ask all my questions and after I got a some answers, verbally incinerate her. Rip her a big, fat new one! Gather intel and expel pent up fury.
You might argue, rightfully so, that I didn't keep much fury pent up! Let me assure you, as much as I had erupted with hateful behavior to date, there was still a massive amount of angry lava under the surface. If it had ever burst forth, my marriage, the forest, would have been destroyed.
I sent her this on March 4th, 2011:
I'm sure you want to be done with this red-hot mess you helped create, but I'm not there yet.
You can continue to ignore me but I'm tenacious. I still have questions, mostly about what Richard did to suck you in. I want to know how it started.
Was it the money? The perks? His lies? He is a lawyer. They always have a way of twisting the truth. And, God knows, they sure figure out what they need to say to get what they want. It's how we pay the mortgage.
His shrink told me that Richard went through the worst mid-life crisis he has ever seen. So, that means you were his Porche, his lost youth, his regrets. He told you what he knew you needed to hear. Your self esteem was blown to bits by Josh. He built you up. THEN...he shot you down much harder than Josh ever could. At the very least, you must be so embarrassed that you could not see through Richard's lies. I'm embarrassed that I missed all the clues. Actually, I didn't miss them, I never looked for them at all.
So...continue to ignore me if you must. I can almost understand why you just want to forget about any of it.
Maybe I'll give up....but I doubt it. Come on! What can it hurt? A couple of emails? It'll be better than having to meet me in person.
Most of the emails I sent her were just like this one. Am I sure she ever read them? Nope, but I would guess she did. I mean, if I had been fucking another women's husband and she found out...I'd change my damn name and I'd watch my back 24/7. Hell...I'd probably move to another state!
Too bad Jaymie didn't leave, but I think she kept her eyes on me even as she ignored me.
So, yeah...I think she read them.
My life continued to deteriorate. Spent lots of time on Jaymie's Facebook page. She blocked me shortly after I sent her the email above and changed her screen name to the hip-hop-esque "Jay Mie". Hilarious. Like that would keep me out.
It was such a pathetic existence. It was getting harder to put on a happy face when required so I spent lots of time alone in cyberspace with Jaymie.
Why on God's good earth did I punish myself so when I had done nothing wrong??
It was the damn TREES!!
I was so emotionally depleted I couldn't deal with the forest so I fixated on the trees!
Yikes. This post wore me out.
Seriously, I am so not an outdoorsy kind of girl.
What the hell was I thinking prattling on about trees!!??