After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A Battle of Conscience

Have you ever felt like you had an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other speaking to you at the same time?  One ruled by the innate knowledge of the difference between right and wrong.  The other, purely self serving, greedy and many times, insatiable. That's the one that always resides in Crazy Town and is loathe to leave it.
I know that both sides of Richard's conscience waged war during his time with Jaymie.  I would guess most cheating spouses have at least a twinge of a guilty conscience in the midst of all the lies and deceit. I actually hope to hell most betrayers are racked with guilt!
During my ride home that day, both entities, the angelic and the demonic, were jockeying for my consideration.  Having just been at church, I tried to place a big bet on the angel to come in first.  Even though I knew her to be a long shot, I was rooting for her!
It's was battle of conscience, a battle of the soul.  In such conflicts, there is rarely a draw.
By the next day, one side was more than able to out pace the other.

Richard was quite the nervous Nellie by the time I got home.  He had been anticipating a possible call from local law enforcement alerting him to my arrest for creating a public disturbance...or worse.  I imagine he had girded his loins for a call like that for the entire first year after DDay.  When I walked in the house he looked at me, wide eyed, hoping I would tell him I had changed my mind and gone out for a Sunday breakfast instead of Sunday service.

Please don't ask me what I told him or what transpired when I got home because I can't tell you.  Maybe I told him nothing happened because the good and pure side of my conscience enveloped me in guilt.  Maybe I told him about the warm welcome I received from the parishioners of the First Baptist church and their gracious invite to attend group counseling.  Maybe I said something like, "Get the fuck away from me.  I can't stand the sight of you right now."  Any of those scenarios seem feasible.  Feel free to pick the synopsis of my return that suits you or make up one of your own.

It's easier to confirm what I did the next day, August 15th, 2011 due to the email trail.  In a past email exchange in January, Daddy James had suggested (actually he demanded which you all know makes me do the EXACT opposite!) that I take my "anger, bitterness and attention elsewhere." 

I lost my bet.  The winner of yesterday's race was not the long shot.  I was currently being inspired by the malevolent side of my inner psyche, so I felt like Daddy James would love knowing I took his suggestion.  (Can you sense the heavy sarcasm and ill intent??  I was fully clothed in both.)
I sent him this:

Jim:  I took your advice.  I took my anger, my bitterness and my deep sadness and regret somewhere else.  You told me about how you used to counsel people at your church in Lemon Grove.  So, I went last Sunday.  They are wonderful.  I met Pastor Jeff and his wife, Crystal, a lovely woman named Madeline and another gentleman, Bill S****.  What a dear old guy.  
Anyway, they said I should come to something called "Tag" team and share what troubles me.  I intend to do just that.
I've tried to find other outlets and some bring temporary relief, but nothing gets the images and words out of my head.  Jaymie didn't help me.  Richard can't.  But, you told me the first day I called you about Jaymie & Richard.  You told me about the church.  Should have listened closer back then, but better late than never.  I'm going to print all the emails, take them to a meeting and be DONE with them!  It already feels better knowing I will never have to look at them again.  Maybe in time the images in my head will fade, but I'm realistic.  Tiny steps and all that.

So, thank you.  Maybe I'll see you there sometime.

Sent it to Jaymie and Richard, too.  Wouldn't want them to be unaware of my intentions to seek salvation.  Then, motivated to toss out a wider net by that same evil muse whispering in my ear, I decided not to leave out poor Geek Boy Kevin.  When I forwarded him the above email, I prefaced the words with this:
Kevin:  Thought I'd keep you in the loop.  
Talk about perfect.  I might actually get some support from people that KNOW Jim, Karen & Jaymie.   (BTW...Karen is Jaymie's Mom)
The world is a strange place.  Didn't you tell me that?

My angel guide had taken a hiatus.  She was totally AWOL. Only the day before I had passionately prayed for anger and vengeful thoughts to be taken from me.  I begged God to soften my heart, to help me find constructive ways to stop the torment.  In 24 hours I stopped listening to my God fearing conscience and turned my ear to the Vengeful Devil loudly advising me to, "Make Jaymie pay.  Make her hurt like you do.  She wouldn't help you.  She won't even talk to you!  Tell the world what she did to you.  Make her pay."


TryingHard said...

OMG. I'm sorry Shawn I know I'm not supposed to think this is funny and think it's all sick and bad but DAMN GIRL YOU ARE MY HERO! Can't wait to hear what happens next.

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: If any of my Crazy Town behavior had been productive maybe that would be inspiring, but I did nothing that had any positive influence on my marriage or my state of mind.
I get how you could be living vicariously through my lackluster payback attempts, really..I do. As long as you remember what I preach...This is what I did and I do NOT recommend it!!
What happened next won't surprise anybody. It's just more of the same. Taunting Jaymie's family was my favorite pass time.
Thanks for reading.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

fenix said...

I'm with TryingHard and I also believe in and understand what you say so it is REALLY nice to live vicariously through you and enjoying what I would LOVE to do which is inflict agony and pain upon those two in equal measure as to what they have inflicted on my and our daughter however I have refrained but should I find out later that there has been further contact I will definitely be visiting crazy town, I have communicated this to my husband and hopefully he has taken me seriously because I am not kidding

TryingHard said...

Oh I don't know about that Shawn. I think you proved to you husband you are like a Mama bear and will protect her home. Besides you're still together so how can you say what you did did not have a positive influence. I did crazy too like breaking and entering!!! Fuck he sat up and took notice then! I was on too many meds and in shock. I have never done anything remotely against the law. I also threw all his stuff on the driveway and soaked them with a hose. There's more too and I don't regret one damn thing I did.

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard & fenix: I totally hear what you're saying. Sometimes a romp or a stroll through Crazy Town is almost mandatory for the betrayers to witness so they can begin to comprehend the level of damage they caused. In that regard, maybe you're right.
In my case, this wasn't a leisurely stroll through Crazy was a full on, year long ROAD TRIP! I camped out, I toured extensively and nearly purchased property. PLUS...the section of Crazy Town that I favored was where Jaymie resided!! That's a big no, no!! Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! (Lost in Space rocked. I loved that damn robot!)

So go ahead and hop on the train to destination: WH Wake-Up Call Ville. I suppose if you gotta travel any where near Crazy Town that would be safest stop. Throw his shit in the street, hose it down, cover it in tar and feathers if you must, but remember this....
Crazy Town behavior is only a momentary respite AROUND the pain. You can't go around it....You gotta work THROUGH it.
I love you both for giving me permission to be such a nut job!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Kate M. said...

Long time reader (well, for months anyway) 2nd time commenter here (at least I think I've only commented once before. I've been so crazy since D-day... I hardly know what in the hell is going on most of the time.) I posted as just 'Kate' several months back. I said that I felt hollow... I was only a few months in at that point. I just want to add my voice to those who are so appreciative of your willingness to allow us to live vicariously through your experiences. I lost my shit badly at first-- I suppose the worst thing I did in is ram my car into the passenger side of his beloved truck. He witnessed it from the front porch. This was 8 days after D-day, and just hours after she accosted him as he exited a drive through in the town where we live and work, in broad daylight. Blocked him in with her car, then jumped in front of him when he tried to go around, beating his vehicle, crying and hysterical because he had dumped her. I had been bouncing wildly between cold shock and hot fury for those 8 days, and at that point I guess I snapped. But you know, the crunch of metal in that moment was the most satisfying release... I did it on impulse as I pulled into our driveway, and it felt better than I could have imagined. If it weren't for the financial aspect of it, I would have just kept backing up and doing it again. Ahhh.

Since then, I've kept my rage under control... partly because I released so much that day, partly because he has a mental illness and I'm afraid he'll hurt himself...but also because of you. When the anger rises to the surface and I feel like I want to do something unhealthy to express it, I come here and read. When I'm feeling hopeless and despondent and my self esteem is in the gutter, I come here and read some more. Sometimes you make me laugh when nothing else can, and I heed your warnings about what not to do-- and yes, I live vicariously through you at times. It really helps! You did it all, so we don't have to. ;-) Thank you Shawn. You truly are a blessing.

shawn thewife said...

Kate M: Impulsive trips to Crazy Town!!! Been there...bought the t-shirt! You must be one tough cookie! You managed to only hit his truck once!! Outstanding self control!!

The OW in your situation sounds like a bunny boiler. Hope she's totally out of the picture now. If not, it's time for a restraining order. Yikes!

I can't tell you how much it means to me when a reader says I have helped them through the trauma after DDay. It warms my heart to know the words I typed to help me move on down my Road to Happy made another betrayed spouse laugh. I love that. It also makes me VERY glad to know that maybe my time in Crazy Town will save someone else a visit.
Thanks for your kind words. I am extremely grateful.
Please let us know how your doing and where you are on your journey.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

It's so interesting reading the responses here.

I agree with both sides.

I totally agree that there needs to be consequences for the affair for both the cheating spouses and the outsider cheater.

Shawn certainly scared off Jaime for good, with her crazy town antics and that can't be a bad thing because I have read about outsiders who come back again and again trying to reunite with a husband after he dumps the outsider.

Women cheaters are more likely to become obsessively attached to their affair partner than are men.

So, I think Shawn's time in crazy town served a positive purpose.

With that said, it's best to learn from Shawn's experience and not visit crazy town so thoroughly that we have restraining orders filed.

The worst thing I did was throw all my husband's clothing on the front lawn. I did it at night in the dark, though, so our neighbors did not see the clothing strewn about.

Also, one day, I was all sweaty and disgusting from a run on a very hot day.

That day I had to run to relieve stress from learning that the outsider had called my husband over to her table while at a local coffee shop and he had gone over to talk to her.

He claimed it was to tell her to back off, still, our agreement was absolutely NO CONTACT going forward. He taped the conversation, to protect himself, and later let me hear it.

Anyway after learning that he talked to her again, and after the run, I was dripping sweat, my cloths were soaked and my hair was as wet as if I had exited a shower, when he pulled up to the house in his favorite exotic car.

I confronted him about the contact and his main concern seemed to be who told me.

That enraged me. So, I jumped into the driver's seat of his exotic car with his carefully selected cloth specialty racing seats and sat their dripping sweat all over the seat and the head rest.

He didn't say a word. Just stood there white as a sheet. He's meticulous about his cars and I knew it must have really upset him, having sweat dripped on his precious specialty seats.

Still seeing that he said and did nothing, helped me some. Normally he would have gone berserk about sweat dripping on his precious car seats.

Lastly, IMO, I think, in part, why I am still being stalked by the desperate married outsider cheater is because I did NOT go to crazy town with her.

All my craziness was focused on my husband.

I wish I had focused some on her, too. I think it, too, would have scared her off for good.

Right now she is stalking by proxy, but using enough symbolism so we both know definitively that it's her. It's all symbolic though and nothing concrete. She's a clever little slut.

Her by proxy stalking does make it more difficult to prove it's her though.

So, I wish I had immediately gone to her pastor and other authority figures and outed her as a way to embarrass her.

shawn thewife said...

BS: Sometimes a little passive aggressive behavior just feels good, doesn't it?? At least for a minute or two, but it's rarely constructive.

I didn't realize the OW was still working to contact your WH. That's a big problem!
Taking advice from me on what to do may not serve you well. I'm more about what NOT to do...but I'll add my very over-valued two cents anyway.

Get a restraining order. Slap it on hard. Use a PI for evidence if you have to but make her back off. Your WH & YOU should have no contact with her. If she is using a third party, you can, too.
Are you still in MC? What does your counselor say about all this?
So sorry your still dealing with OW. It's so hard to heal from infidelity. With the OW still in the picture it's next to impossible.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

The described actions in my post, on my part, are waaaay in the past.

The two described crazy town actions, occurred about six months after dday.

I am much calmer now, with only rare triggers.

I have talked to an attorney about a restraining order, but her by proxy callers are cleverly using disposable phones with spoofed phone numbers.

This outsider apparently has a group of friends who regularly engage in affairs behind their husband's backs, and then offer each other advice, support, encouragement. She referred to them as her affair patrol, in one email I read.

The way we know it's a call instigated by her, is that the person calling drops little hints about personal information, only she would know pertaining to the affair.

I need to be able to trace calls back to her definitively to get the restraining order.

The calls are relentless but in the guise of business calls, with the little details dropped in to unnerve me. The numbers trace back to no longer active numbers.

It is upsetting.

We are not still in MC. We are doing well. My husband changed jobs to get away from her town and works close to home. I drop in unexpectantly frequently.

There is a tracker on his car and there are live video cameras at the office, for security purposes but also to monitor him.

Those things were all HIS idea to give me a comfort zone and to be able to realistically trust him again.

Still, the fact that she appears to be a bunny boiler who won't let go is becoming personally insulting to me.

The marriage counselor we were seeing said it is not unusual for a married outsider to recycle back to a married affair partner she felt was a better deal than her husband, when she is again unhappy in the marriage.

This is what this outsider seems to be doing.

We are working to catch her red handed. Still she is a very experienced serial cheater and is very clever about her methods.

Keep your fingers crossed, and thank you for the advice, the ear, and the interesting postings.

TryingHard said...

OMG what a nightmare!! Have you changed all your phone numbers? The police don't take this crap seriously until something tragic happens ( I watch 20/20 too much). If you have new numbers do not set up your voicemail. Also I never answer any numbers I don't recognize at home or on my cell. This woman needs to be registered on She is a bunny boiler. I so feel for you.

BS said...

Trying hard:

Thank you for the empathy.

Yes, I have changed numbers and no message. Thank you for reinforcing that.

It is so true, with stalkers, they have to physically harm someone before the police take it seriously and we need proof that she is behind the frequent calls for the restraining order.

It is a nightmare.

The good news is that her behavior has shaken up my husband so much that I can see he really sincerely regrets having an affair and creating the problem.

shawn thewife said...

BS: You're not entirely correct about the criteria needed for a restraining order. I did not physically harm or threaten to harm anyone, but I got hauled into court to defend a restraining order. Harassment is illegal, too. Just call the local authorities. Tell them your story. I think you'll be surprised.
Anyone can FILE an order, then you get to go to court and put on your case. That means bunny boiler will be outed because she will have to come and defend herself. The judge may through out the case, but you will have made your point.

After you file an order, the police will serve her. Just that might shake her up enough to get her to back off.

Glad your WH is coming around.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn:

Thanks for the support. It is always helpful as is just reading your blog.

Restraining order requirements may be different in California than in my state.

I did have an attorney petition, due to the stalking and the harassment. The attorney agrees that the comments about specifics go beyond coincidence.

Nevertheless due to the clever way she uses disposable phones and other people to do her dirty work, the petition was denied by the reviewing judge.

I need to be able to get the petition approved first, to take her to court.

We were advised by the judge that if we could get definitive proof that she is personally stalking us or enlisting others to do it, than she would give approval for the petition.

The judge agreed that the comments made by phone, seem to be beyond coincidence and contain very specific information that seems to match the personal information way too perfectly, but to her mind, it's still not totally out of the realm of coincidence. Sigh!

We are working on it.

Parking near the house is not a crime, but it will not look good, if we can somehow connect her to the incessant calls and harassment. So, I have been documenting everything.

I think she will eventually slip up, and I don't want to show my hand too early, without proper evidence.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog tonight. I have needed this so much. My husband is a truck driver. We have been married almost 30 years. On our 28th anniversary was my DDay. That's when I knew, he was with her. We are still together, trying to work this out. But basically he just wants it to go away, he doesn't want to discuss it. He is not home much, is starting to be sneaky, and I think he's at it again. I have broken. I have just been going crazy. When we first talked about it I was told " he loved me , but he loved her". I blamed myself. He claims he doesn't understand why it happened, he has asked me to forgive him. I thought I had, but I do not trust him, and some of the things that were said cut deep and will never go away. Because I have choose to stay and try to save our marriage, but oldest daughter has cut all contact with me and I am not allowed to see my grand kids. I am so confused. I am hurting tonight because he is in the town they meet in and tomorrow is my birthday. I really don't know if I can do this. I always thought and felt this man was my best friend, my soul mate. I have tried to make it work, but at this moment I am feeling like why? He doesn't want to go to counciling or even discuss this whole mess. It's over, I need to get over it. The other women has made my life a living hell. She was even willing to "share" him with me. I have no one to talk with or turn too. I have all these feelings. I used to be a strong woman, now I am a mess. I want my life back.

shawn thewife said...

We all get it! We know your pain! It cuts like a hot knife though heart, mind and soul. Healing is possible but it takes Herculean effort...from both partners.

For now, if your WH won't go to MC, please seek IC for yourself. The healing can begin for you, then if your WH decides to participate in recovery, he can work on himself and you can work together to heal the marriage.

I don't understand why your daughter is behaving so oddly. Some women think that those of us that stay with cheating husbands are weak or just plain ignorant. I was one those judgmental people before it happened to me. The truth is, reconciliation is HARD! It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I now know survivors of adultery are BAD ASS! Perhaps you could ask your daughter to attend family counseling with you. It can't hurt to ask.

About the OW...I really hope you can find a way to have ZERO contact with her. Nothing she has to say matters at all! She is a women with no self esteem and her character is beyond repulsive! The only words that are important are those you share with your WH. His words should be words of total remorse and contrition. He must give you what YOU ned to heal. He caused this. He must do the work to repair the damage.

Please go to the online messages board: THE HEALING HEART...the link is at the bottom of my blog under 'find support here'. READ!! The people on the wonderful forum saved me when I couldn't find my Road back to Happy with a map and a compass. I was so lost. They showed me the way.
You will get your life back. You will be strong again.
We'll help you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn, the wife

Love your blog. Thank you for sharing. I could have written much of it but not as eloquently!! I'm 3 years 4 months past discovery and still a bit crazy. I can hide my crazy most of the time, however, and am generally happy to have kept the betrayer. So good to know not everyone recovers in " much as two years..." like my husband read somewhere. (He is still waiting for complete recovery as a result and thinks I'm some sort of freak.) Thanks again for sharing in such an entertaining way. I may lose my job due to the distraction of your blog. Oh, and last thing, the BW is a complete twit!! I can't believe some found her stupid DD e-mail wise and deep. Bleh!

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: You are too kind. I continue to be amazed anyone reads about my extended stay in Crazy Town. Don't know where your WH read the time to recover was "two years"!! He must be the king of wishful thinkers!
Like you, 3 years out I am happy MOST of the time. I want to be happy all of the time. Who doesn't? So not realistic. The knife of infidelity cuts deeper than the sharpest of surgical tools. There will always be a huge scar. Scars don't hurt, but they are permanent.
That's how I see the a scar that I'll always have. Sometimes the memories of the knife that made the scar still ache. Richard knows he caused some damage to our marriage that can't be healed.

But...mostly...we look ahead. Staring at the damn scar is not the way I wanna live. Richard is such a good husband NOW. I wanna focus on NOW.

Tell your WH this betrayed spouse thinks he needs a dose of reconciliation reality! Recovery is forever but that can be a good thing. Richard and I are so much kinder to each other now. We are aware of each others needs now. We appreciate what we came so close to losing now. We communicate so much better now.

Enough for now! Get back to work, Girl!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn