After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Transference Target

I guess I should give you a little timeline clarification.  My story has reached the point of summer, 2011, around 10 months past DDay.  To refresh my memory and to be as accurate as possible, I've gone back through my sent email folder from that summer.  The day I went to church was Sunday, August 14th.  A month or so before that, I was getting myself worked up for the visit.

I had not heard a peep from Jaymie since I went to fetch all the swag from her house months ago despite the extraordinarily valiant efforts I have already shared with you.   Some might call my attempts to contact her excessive or maybe even obsessive.   I would argue that I was merely tenacious.
At home, Richard and I had days of glorious calm interspersed with days that found me in a cocoon of my own making to avoid any contact with the man I hoped to be married to forever lest I become a female preying mantis and devour him after a session of Hysterical Bonding.

All these months later, I understand exactly what molded my mode of conduct.  We've talked about the mental phenomenon before.  Transference.  The true creator at the root of my residence in Crazy Town lived under my roof, slept in my California King bed and frequently recited his repetitive anthem of apology.  He did not reside in a lower middle class neighborhood in Spring Valley.
My overwrought brain outwardly shut down when I was around Richard.  I had to stand watch over my conscience mind.  My anger was lying in wait just under the surface for a small crack in my facade to escape into the world, my world, with my kids, my job, my friends and my husband.  I feared if I allowed that much anger to contaminate my world many people I loved would be permanently scarred.

So much easier to toss the toxins at Jaymie's clan!  I gave no consideration to anyone in her world.  I used her friends and family like pawns in my game of payback chess that had no rules unless I found them to be useful.

The problem with transference (well, there are MANY problems but this one is major) is you gotta pick a reliable place to transfer the emotions or you're dealing with possible ricochet issues!  Lash out at the transfer target, but if you miss that person the shot of hatred and venom fired is bound to hit a close bystander.  In my case, the emotion of choice was anger, (Duh.) but transference also occurs when a person needs a place to put a heavy load of love. I had previously had transference training. When Richard and I couldn't have kids right away, I was the best cat and dog Mommy in San Diego County.

I was running out of targets.  I feel no need to bore you with the list again.  (You're welcome)  I was out of targets, but still loaded for bear with ammo.  I aimed at my primary transference target via text throughout the month of July.   The shots never hit their intended mark and since I could not allow them to become impaled in anyone near me, I adjusted my sights and found an ambitious bull's eye that would surely earn me a conversation with my primary target, Jaymie.

Daddy James has been an active member of the First Baptist Church of Lemon Grove for many years.  He told me all about the place the day I told him his daughter wasn't the angel he had hoped he spawned.  That place would be a veritable Transference Target range!
I really didn't want to go.  I never thought I'd go.  The idea was too outrageous to comprehend.  Sent many texts asking for Jaymie to contact me or else.  Sent them to her, sent them to Geek Boy Kevin.  They had grown very good at ignoring me.

Saturday night, August 13th, I told Richard where I was going the next day even though, at the time, I still didn't think I'd waste the gas on the 30 minute drive.  After DDay, he never told me what to do...or at least he never told me what NOT to do.  He was so afraid of my wrath or even worse, my periods of cocooning.  He was as needy as a new born.  To anger me meant emotional starvation to him.
Richard was an enabler for me during my stay in Crazy Town.  He wanted me to have what I said I needed to move forward, a face off with Jaymie.  He would have strapped her ass to a target the size of Mt. Rushmore to keep me from aiming at him.

Sunday morning, August 14th, I woke up, showered, dressed and drove south.  It was almost like an out of body experience.  I didn't wanna go.  I had no idea what I'd do when I got there.  I drove down the 67 South trying to find the spark of anger in my heart that I had been tending for 10 months, but I couldn't.  It had been smothered by a tidal wave of despair.


Anonymous said...

Aaaaw shawn when you say "it had been smothered by a tidal wave of despair" I understand you so well... I have a feeling I know where this is going and lets just say I totally get why you did it. I am in Crazy Town on a regular basis at the moment and the main difference is my transference target is myself which is ridiculous, but it is easier to hate myself than it is to hate him... Stupid, eh?

PS I am addicted to this blog and look for updates all the time!

shawn thewife said...

LovefromItaly: PLEEEZE, Girl! You are not stupid! You're just doing the best you can.

Like Crazy Town, Martyrdom is no place to live. Practice my mantra: Hold my head up, Be strong. I did NOTHING wrong!
No good can come of self-hate. You chose to reconcile. That is very brave. Give yourself credit.

If you want to recieve updates, you can register at the bottom on the blog homepage using Google+ or the regular Blogspot site. Then you'll never miss a moment in Crazy Town.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Well here I am 57 yrs and never blogged. Your blog has inspired me to write about my situation. Thank you.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I highly reccomend it! Writing gave me the perspective I was sorely lacking. This blog helped me process the nightmare.
You might consider using WordPress instead of BlogSpot. If I had to do it over again, I think I would.
Let us know when we can check in and read your story.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Eat My Scabs said...

i can relate to your despair too. I felt so broken. So destroyed and demolished. And the possibility of pulling myself intact out of that despair seemed like it would never happen.

It hurts me to read how dark of a time this was for you.

Anonymous said...

Awwww man, you're gonna leave us hangin' like that? What happened!!!

TryingHard said...

I'm going to start blogging too. I actually started one a week after DDay but it was so disjointed and train of thought I gave it up. Now that I am in a much better place emotionally I am ready to start over. I need to get the words out of my head and off into cyberspace. My shrink said not to because it is out there for anyone to read forever. Whatever.... I can't believe you're making us wait!!!

BS said...


I agree about not spending too much time being angry at the OW.

The truth is though, that both the OW and our spouses deserve the anger.

It can get out of hand, but a little good old fashioned public shaming is a good thing, IMO.

IMO, one of the major reasons, people are so eager to cheat on their spouses is the lack of public shaming or consequence these days.

Also, some marriage saver sites, mention exposing the affair to pastors of the OW or OM as well as to their respective spouses.

Shining a light on the secrecy takes away the thrill of the affair and exposes it as the sleazy behavior it is.

My lying cheating stealing-marital-assets husband was acting smarmy and sleazy during his affair, but so was the married OW.

I will never forget my husband had the capacity to deceive me during the affair, even though he is now very remorseful and has numerous times said he wished he never met the OW and actually feels ill when he thinks of her.

Despite his remorse, I feel the old husband died and I am now married to a different man.

IMO, it is good that the old husband I thought I knew is now dead to me, because It's important to know the true persona of the person you are married to.

My marriage has survived, and my husband now treats me the way he should have always treated a loving spouse.

Sadly though, I don't love him the way I used to. There is now a part of my heart that is deadened to the love I once felt for him.

Now, little annoying habits that I used to overlook and even laugh off, because I loved him and thought he was a trustworthy loyal person whom I was lucky to have found, now annoy me greatly.

Also, on those days when his negative habits are really getting on my nerves, I think that today is the day I may just file for divorce.

The good thing is that if I did choose to file, I would not have to feel badly about myself for breaking my marriage vows.

He already broke that contract.

Anonymous said...

UGH.... you left us hanging bad with that one! Cant wait to read rest of story, hope you post soon!


shawn thewife said...

Scabs: Most of th time I beat down the despair with rage, but when it became overwhelming, I was absolutely hopeless. The only way I saw OUT of my pain was getting Jaymie to talk to me, to get the emails.

I was a very confused and broken woman.
That's why I think my blog helps a few folks. If I can come back from my version of Crazy Town...everybody can find a way to heal. I believe that.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

BS: Only you know where your Road to Happy will be found. Maybe in reconciliation, maybe not. You get to choose. You are in control.
Happy is the goal, bitter and angry are the detours that throw you off the right path.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

For those of you that get frustrated when I leave you with a bit of a cliff hanger....I try not to write too much in one sitting. I want you to be able to read my blog during the commercial breaks on whatever you're watching on TV! Sometimes when I pontificate I get off track, lose focus. Get long winded and can't finish the point I thought I was gonna make when I sat down at my keyboard. Forgive me.

I'll tell you all about going to church in the next couple of days. Promise!
Thanks for reading. It means so much to know you're out there.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

shawn thewife said...

BS: Only you know where your Road to Happy will be found. Maybe in reconciliation, maybe not. You get to choose. You are in control.
Happy is the goal, bitter and angry are the detours that throw you off the right path.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
July 7, 2013 at 4:30 PM

Hi Shawn:

I was hoping you being through a very similar situation would understand that I am not bitter.

Angry yes. And, anger is deserved and appropriate. IMO, you can be happy but still angry at someone when triggered.

Also, is anyone truly 100 percent happy with their life?

Bitter, IMO, is, a very derogatory term for a loyal spouse who has been financially, emotionally and physically betrayed by a very trusted spouse.

I have former friends who have called me bitter when flashes of anger are triggered, and discussing this with my counselor I was warned that using the word bitter was an invalidating term.

She said a lot of people do not consciously realize that, when using the word bitter, But it is a somewhat condescending term.

It invaldates normal anger, which will forever be triggerd by events a betrayed spouse experiences.

The triggers are PTSD related caused by post infidelity Trauma.

Apparently the more the betrayed spoouse trusted the cheating spouse, the deeper the trauma.

Also reading emails between them, and the fact that it was actually a relationship and not just casual sex, can deepen the trauma.

So, I hope I am not sounding bitter to anyone here. I thought you as a betrayed spouse would of all people understand that I am sad, fearful, feel my future with my spouse is an unknown, etc.

Also, bitter seems to be most often leveled at a betrayed wife.

A betrayed husband is described as angry, rabid, enraged, but a wife is often described as bitter.

Sad, fearful, distrustful, hurt, angry, sometimes enraged, sometimes rabid, when triggered, but bitter, not from my perspective.

Bitter applies more to the OW who is trapped in an unhappy marriage and too dependent to leave because she is incapable of holding a job, and single men are not interested in her and her brood of children.

Thus to her mind, she truly has no choice but to stay or give up her very cushy lifestyle.

I have chosen to stay,I don't need to stay, and I am hoping permanent reconciliation is the end result, but I am not sure because I am not sure I can live forever with doubting him going foreward.

I think all BS's experience the fear that once a cheater always a cheater.....true or not.

I treat my husband well, but with a healthy dollop of skepticism about his whereabouts, now, unlike the past where he had total trust and freedom.

Does that make me bitter? Or, just realistic?

shawn thewife said...

BS! So did not mean to be critical! I was bitter! I was beyond angry! I can NEVER stand in judgement of anyone that holds on to negative emotions of any kind! Of course you have every right to be angry, bitter, pissed off, skeptical, distrustful and down right negative all around!

I get that. I lived it for over a year. I was miserable.

Who wants to live like that? In the dictionary, bitter is described as intense antagonism or hostility. I was all that and a bag of chips! My short comment that I wrote in a quick moment was worded poorly. I only meant to say that my way was a wicked life road block. I let my negativity blind me to the path of recovery and my Road back to Happy.

I was angry. I was bitter. I know bitter! I was hardened to the point of missing everything good around me. I lost my way.
The purpose of my blog began as a last ditch effort to heal myelf. It has evolved into a place that others can learn from my mistakes. That is all I intended to convey.
Choose happy. Whatever it takes. Stay, go, only you know.
Don't let your WH's choices limit yours.
I'm so sorry if I added to your pain in anyway.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

bs said...


Thank You. I hear ya'.

Anonymous said...

I am definetly all the above... And I want to drag that bitches ass through all kind of mud.. I did talk to her mom who excused her actions and said that at least her daughter was happy now.. WTF.. And that her daughter was so hoping for the same relationship that mom had with dad...said my husband reminded her of her father... And that her mother and father had a difficult but passionate romantic relationship. Because the bitch was born out of their affair.. Majorly fucked up family... And she kept after my husband who tried to break it off several times.. He tells me it meant nothing, he had no feelings for her.. And he dropped her the minute I found but it hurts so much when you see the things GE said and wrote. I am out 17 months post day and I am still so angry that I don't know if I can every be normal. And yes I don't love him like before. In fact I often ask myself if I still love him. And honestly I am not sure but my family comes first at the moment.
Thanks for the blog