After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Unkind?? MOI?? and Find FLACA!

****As in the previous post, this post and the comments that follow, have been edited for privacy****

This post is gonna cover two things on my mind today.  First...On May 28th of this year, one of my Readers and fellow blogger, Flaca, published her last post.  Kissing A Fool | Covered in Kisses and Lies
It said this: 

“Unkind people need your kindness the most, they advertise their pain,” Rick Warren

Don't know who in the hell this Rick Warren guy is, but he makes one hell of a solid point with this little jewel of wisdom.  I so totally get this now.  Not so much until now.  
For a year after the affair, I was that unkind person.  To be frank, I wasn't just unkind.   There are so many other adjectives that would describe me much more accurately.  I don't need a handy, dandy thesaurus to call it what I was.

On bad days I was nasty, hateful, awful, fierce, vile, obnoxious, hellish, horrid and loathsome just to name a few.  Not to worry...even though sometimes it pains me to remember what a beast I was, I also know I was a beast of burden and even though many think I don't deserve it, I have given myself a pass for most, if not all, of my repugnant behavior.

On good days I was merely disagreeable, objectionable, tough, unpleasant and as Grandpa might say...just plain ornery.  On the rare occasion, on the surface I may even have appeared to be happy to most people in my life.  I think only Richard knew that regardless of the smile of my face, I was miserable to the core.  But, the affair ended nearly three years ago.  I have moved on.  I am happy.....until I'm not.  When will the sneak attacks from Royal Bitch end?

My behavior during Grandpa's Birthday Bash and the consequences that will surely follow may be God's way, Karma's way, Fate's way...whatever...of teaching me a lesson I truly needed to learn in my life.  I am prone to act out because of my residual pain.  I gotta remember to demonstrate a little compassion when others seem cruel, uncaring or just annoying.  They may also be suffering personal agony that I can not see.

Last week, I let all the triggers and my pain over ride the possibility that the family member that pushed me back into Crazy Town (it wasn't much of a shove.  I was already way off balance!) may also have some damn heavy rocks in her Life Basket.  Even if she was "unkind", my response was unacceptable.

In this particular instance, I needed to listen to Rick Warren.  (BTW....gotta Google that guy.  No clue who he is!)  I believe with my entire heart, a heart that is still mending, that I need to learn to be kinder to all right now.  Not accusatory.  Not judgmental.  Just kind, patient (Crap!  Also not my strong suit!) compassionate and understanding.  Think I can do it??  My heart wants to, but more than that...my heart NEEDS to.

The second part of this post is this...Where in the hell is FLACA????  She just dropped out of cyberspace!  I have tried to comment on her blog, asking her to just check in for a role call.  Nothing.  My comment is still awaiting moderation.  I have emailed her privately hoping she'll send a quick reply saying life is good and busy.  She is ready to move on without us.  Nada!
I'm concerned about her and I'm hoping one of you have had some sort of contact with her since her last post on May 28th.  Or, maybe she is still reading, just not posting.
FLACA!  If you're out there, Girlfriend, please just send up a flare so we know you're OK.

One of my Readers, Jessa, thinks I want to be all sweet and nice but I'm just not made that way.  Maybe she has a very sharp and narrow point, but you don't have to be sweet to be kind.  Right?
Wish me luck.  I'm gonna go try out there and be the antithesis of unkind!  I will learn not to unleash my pain on innocent bystanders!  Transference be damned!
There is most certainly a lesson to be learned here and I don't intend to ignore it.

30 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Jessica said...

Dear Shawn,
I've found your blog by chance as I have come upon a year of my own DDAY about a week ago. My husband too fell into a deep emotional and physical relationship with a girl (21) that he worked with. And it was/is devastating. I read most of your blogs but only got to about March 2012 as it brought up way too much of my own pain and experiences. But I did read the 2013 posts to get all the juice of what you did to Jaymie as well… LOL. A few things I wanted to say is:
-I commend you for blogging this and giving others an outlet to know we are not alone. I don't think I could sit down and write all of the events that happened and feelings I had and things I did, especially for all to see. It’s just awful. And my husband and I (after separating for 10 months or so) are trying to work through things. I missed him and out family (1 child) so much. And I was doing ok and right about the year mark I found myself consumed in all the hurt again (which led me here). So thank you!
-I really can't stand the people who have NOT been through this who have to put in their two senses like we are crazy people. I do understand it’s a public blog but come on. Until they’ve been in our shoes no one gets the pain. I call DDAY and the time after my time of "temporary insanity". I was up, down, left, right, backwards, sideward all at the same time. I wanted to leave AND prove the home wrecking slut wrong all at the same time. I too was the girl saying "if my husband ever did that to me I'd be done!" and it’s just not how it works. I did choose to leave only after trying to get my revenge on the girl as well. Even if it did not help the situation, the small moments I got to belittle her gave me tiny moments of feeling better than her and I was longing for anything that made me feel good at that time even if it was for 5 minutes. So reading all the things you did made me go “she's in Crazy Town but I wanted to do the EXACT same things, if not worse!” I just was able to go into denial mode for a bit after I left and the OW moved away (after humiliation at work of course). So I completely understand and don't look down whatsoever on your actions. I try to work on my hatred toward the OW every day. I just don't want that in my heart anymore. It’s not ME.
You've given me hope and I think maybe I will give writing down my "story" for myself a try. Just to get it out of my head maybe in a diary. I love my husband very much and he too is so upset over all that's happened. So know that even with all the haters, you've helped this girl ;) Good luck with your journey...

shawn thewife said...

Jessica: Welcome to our little support group. We walk together on our separate Roads to Happy. It's a rough journey and it helps to have friends join us on the way.

Letting the anger go toward the OW is the best first step to healing yourself. I admire your desire to do it. I am not there yet. May not ever be. I think I'm gonna have to be OK with just not giving a rat's ass about Jaymie. She is not worth any more of my emotion or energy...not hate...not forgiveness...not anger. Maybe just apathy will work for me.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Thanks for commenting. I encourage you to try writing. It helped me begin my healing and it continues to help me today.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn & Jessica:

Yes, the people who have never walked in our shoes, yet feel free to offer advice about a situation they have never yet experienced, really amuse me.

Jessica: I am glad to hear your spouse is remorseful. That is a very good sign.

TryingHard said...

Just because the affair ended 3 years ago doesn't mean the black hole in our marriages are healed. We are not dealing with the affair but the fallout from it. Kinda like the Atom Bomb. Took Hiroshima 50 years to recover. I'm just sayin...
We do have to battle from becoming that bitter old woman who has been scared and stained by the cruelties of life. Nothing will make a woman look old than that kind of attitude. It's not easy. I keep my anger very deep now. My MIL acted horrible at my home a few weeks ago. Before I would have bit her head off, this time I got up and walked away. My H stood there and took it from her. Was I angry he did that yes, but he's a big boy and has to figure it out.
Maybe by putting on such a large party you were trying to prove to yourself and others that things were "back to normal" and it just turned out to be too much?? I know it would be for me. No way could I take on 10 people for a party. I KNOW I'm not back yet.

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: Most of this year has been great. Really positive and happy. September and October...The affair months...do tend to cause my temper to be at a low simmer 24/7. Doesn't take much for me to boil over.

Richard and I recognize my struggle during this time and he gives me space. Because I was running on a low simmer, the stress of the party, 30 members of my family from all over the country, wanting it to be so great for Grandpa, turned the heat up enough to cause the "boiling" behavior.
I get your metaphor. So sad, but kind of true. Betrayed spouses suffer from affair fallout. The damage might be with us forever. We can't let the fallout destroy our lives. We gotta work around it.

I KNOW that I may not be as far along my Road to Happy as I thought, but I am sure I am on the right path. I just gotta keep moving forward.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

fenix said...

so no one knows what happened to Flaca?

shawn thewife said...

fenix: So far I have not heard a thing. I have many readers that comment for a while then disappear, but Flaca was more than that. She was really in the trenches trying to heal herself and help others at the same time.
I can see how she might vanish from my blog, but why just bail on her blog with no notice?
I just want to know that she's OK.
PLEASE...if anyone out there has had contact with Flaca, would you give us a shout out??
Thanks in advance.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Kate M. said...

I checked out Flaca's blog... she's awesome! Man, I hope she's okay. You'll let us know if/when you hear something from her, won't you? :-/

And Shawn.... don't be too hard on yourself. You are and have been amazing, and you cracked under a whole lot of pressure. I missed the whole story (before you had to edit) but from the bits and pieces I can string together, it sounds like something that would have caused me to blow the hell up too. None of us will ever be the same people we were before our spouses made the heartless, mindless choices they did. It has changed me in a way that feels like... well, like my very DNA has been altered. We try desperately to strengthen & heal ourselves but there are so many wounded places that it's difficult to even identify them sometimes. People who haven't been through this don't understand. They can't. It's another cruel and unfair consequence we have to live with, and it freaking sucks.

BS said...

Kate:

Ditto to what you said.

I feel changed in my DNA, too. It's not something I am happy about either.

Although my spouse is very remorseful and still doing all the right things and has really really kicked the outsider to the curb, I am still hurting every day.

I have still left open the option of leaving, if that would in the end make me feel like my old self again.

I don't think anyone ever fully heals from infidelity.

It is all the lying and the emotional, financial, sexual infidelity as well as the theft of time and energy put into another person, that should have been put into healing any rifts or issues within the marriage.

Infidelity is such a selfish thoughtless act and the lack of respect for the commitment of exclusivity that was promised, is very painful to deal with, then of course there is the inability to trust again.

No normal person would ever be stupid enough to trust a spouse once they show the capacity for infidelity and all the lying and deception that goes along with it.

Some Pyschologists claim everyone has the potential to cheat on a spouse.

But, I adamantly disagree. It is something I could never do. I could never hurt my spouse that way by showing such disrespect.

If I were that unhappy I would ask for counseling and if that could not address any issues, I would ask for a divorce.

Erica said...

Wow! I have been out of town & super busy for a while - came back to see that there's a lot going on in your life & also activity on your blog.

First off, I'm really sorry that you feel that the party you lovingly planned didn't go off as you had intended. And that your behavior wasn't what you wanted for yourself. I do think you should give yourself a little bit of a break. I couldn't follow everything (since it seems big chunks were deleted) but I do know that even if the party hadn't been around 'the affair months' planning a big party for so many out-of-towners is tough. Even if you've done it before. Even if you're uber-organized. Even if it's out of deep love for a grandparent. It's a lot of work & stress and even the people out there who have no triggers of any sort in their life would have a hard time planning this kind of thing.

Second, this is life. Someone made a comment about humans being imperfect. Yes, yes, yes. Apologize to whoever you need to, with the sincerity you feel, and then learn from it. I really believe that life is about change & growth & learning and that can feel like crap a lot of the time but can feel magical some of the time too.

Third - and this comment is mostly for the many people who feel compelled to judge another - every. single. person. in. the. world. is. different. There are no two fingerprints that are identical. No one responds in the exact same way even to the same phenomenon (such as infidelity). Yes, there are themes or commonalities, but I think one of the hardest things in life to be is truly, deeply open & respectful of each person's very unique road. Don't judge, people, because someday you too will be judged and know how 'off' it is.

Hang in there, Shawn. I'll be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Shawn,

Well I was "having a bad day" and I happened to find your blog. While of course googling SOMETHING ANYTHING to make me feel better. It had been a year on July 3rd for DDay. Not a pretty picture at my house. I had "the flu" for all of my husbands family coming over - to the tune of 35 of them! Anyway, I don't want this to be about me. So Sorry about that. Your blog has made me laugh and I admit teary. So much hits home. Literally. I have never blogged or commented on a blog, so for all I know this will end up in our hometown paper tomorrow. Whatever. To make a long nasty embarassing story short, my husband and I are trying to work it out. We have been married 25 years this year with 4 beautiful children. He is early 50's and she was 34. PPUUULLLEEEAASSSEEE!!!
Obviously I still can't believe I am going through this. It truly sucks. Thanks for sharing, it has helped!

Anonymous said...

Flaca is back. She blogged!

Susan WG said...

Shawn, I'm so sorry this has put a rift between you and your family. I agree with the other commenters, reach out with your heart and hopefully whoever it was will make amends to you as well. Unless you've walked this road, no one understands the triggers and how they can ambush the hurting person, sometimes with no warning whatsoever. I'm two and a half years out from D-day and I jump the track to crazytown all the time. I know it's unhealthy but sometimes it's best for everyone around me to let it run its course. I've learned to recognize most of my triggers and talk myself out of reacting but sometimes it just flows.

My WH is going on a business trip next week, the first since I found out about his other life. He sent me his itinerary yesterday and I haven't been able to concentrate since...so much anger. I found the pictures he took of his junk and the bathroom mirror full-frontal he sent to the hooker he hired on the last trip in 2011 on the night I discovered he was a cheater. I know we've come a long way since then, we've made much progress in therapy, and I know he hasn’t been with anyone since but there will always be the mistrust.

Don’t be too hard on yourself over this. You did the best you could. Nobody plans the volcanic eruptions you just have to deal with the aftermath and it sounds like you are trying to do that.

Thanks for the blog, it really helps to know I’m not alone.

Anonymous said...

Flaca made a post yesterday and one today. :)

Kelly said...

Well now I can't get this blog out of my mind. (I left the anonymous 1 year DD yesterday-I got nervous and hit enter before I entered by name) I told my sister yesterday that I had an enlightened expereince online. She said I was very brave. Anyway, I just want a day to go by that I don't think of "HER" or "Her and HIM together" anymore. I get sooooo mad. At what point do you make a conscious decision to let it go???? Unfortunately when we argue, if I get really mad I, of course, say something mean about it. I take deep breaths sometimes and don't even realize I am doing it when I think about the affair. I get mad that I still think about it. SHE is now engaged, tell me that wasn't what she was looking for in the first place, and I want sooooo bad to let him know what she did to my family. At this point I am taking your advice and not approaching her. My girls (all 4 are girls :)) range from 22 to 15. The older 2 girls 22 and 21 know. Bad deal. But we are all trying to heal in our own way. I am babbling but not sure even what I am suspose to do now. I appreciate this blog. I want to be the coffee bean. haha
Thanks for listening.

beenkissingafool said...

Hey Shawn! Dang it, lady! I missed you!

I did read a bit of others blog but then I have to admit that I had a bit of a breakdown (more on that later). Whats more is that even with Green's affair my life still went on. Sometimes I feel that was the best healing for me - it seems like I had a household crisis almost every-week over the last 4 months so was very distracted from writing. I also got OFF my meds. They turned me into a zombie and I literally slept at least one month away.

But I'm back now and I am trying to reconnect. I'm sorry, I f'g suck at recovery. One step at a time right, sister?

As an FYI Rick Warren is evangelical pastor & author by way the OC who has written a lot of books about faith. He has a bestseller called the Purpose Driven Life. I just started reading it. Beforehand I didn't agree with the guy - because our politics are opposite - but recently Mr. Warren's son, who suffered from depression, killed himself. Since then he has been talking a lot about grief, recovery and mental health. It really hit home for me... since my depression and mental health really have taken a beating for the last two years now.

So his comment about unkind people really hit home for me. When people criticize me for staying with Green this idea that his cheating (although HIS FAULT and VERY HURTFUL) was his way of cracking up when he thought he had failed himself and his family. So he did very self destructive things and I feel as his wife (in sickness and in health) that I want to help him get well. By helping him get well I want to find my healing too. IMO, the unkindness of his cheating showed me just how much screwed up he was. Are we healed? No. Is he? Nope. Am I? No. But one day I know we will be - married or not. I want us to forgive for our kids. They don't deserve stupid parents who hate each other for cracking when life got tough. So for now we are better.

I thank you and the other readers and bloggers out there for their support, too! I have to tell you that back in May I got some very hurtful email from Trolls who attacked my for staying with Green and it really hurt. It's another reason I stopped blogging. I just can't stand these know it all who think they know everything. There is NO easy answer to healing from infidelity but to be attacked for what I thought was me trying to find my own dignity through forgiveness really hit me hard. Freaking bully trolls.

But I've shaken it of.. at least for now. Thanks for caring about me., it really means a lot.

Happy Friday sister!

shawn thewife said...

(((Flaca!!))) Welcome back to the Sisterhood of Infidelity Recovery! The Road back to Happy wasn't the same without you!
You are my fellow fan of the "F" bomb...so here's what I say about HATERS & TROLLS....Fuck them and the evil horses they rode in on! Such chicken shits! They email or post then disappear, never to return to hear us smack 'em down.

For every one of those low life ass-hats, there are 100 other readers that are looking for someone that understands their pain and when they find you, they care. They are empathetic and they CARE.

If you ever wanna chat about that breakdown, you know where to find me. I'm thinking somebody should be giving me an honorary doctorate in breakdowns.

You do not suck at recovery. It is the hardest thing most of us will ever do. There is no wrong way to heal. We all have to find our own path.
Glad you resurfaced! Now, don't ever scare me like that again!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Kelly! If I can morph into a coffee bean...anybody can! Don't beat yourself up. Affair recovery is a long, rough road. There is no short cut.

About the "brain worms"...that's what I call it when I can't stop thinking about Richard with Jaymie...you can beat those bastards down. I still have my battles with the suckers but I always win. I use this mantra: I do NOT need to think about that now. It will NOT help me to think about that now. I WILL NOT think about that now.
Sounds stupid, I know. Too simple to win a beastly battle of the brain worms, but I'm tellin' ya...it helped me. I helped me a lot! I began to take back control of my head with those three sentences. Give it a shot. Can't hurt.

Your sister is right, you know. You are brave! Any one that considers reconciliation after infidelity is one very tough cookie! This is painful shit and it is not for wussies!!
You are brave and smart! You let the OW go!! So much smarter than I was! Good for you, Girl! Recovery is a bitch, but you have already taken very strong steps to heal yourself. You let the OW go and reached out for support.
Glad you found our little group. You never have to walk the Road back to Happy alone! We'll be here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

CoCo Lemour said...

You say there is a lesson to be learned here, but have you learned it? I see these other blogs & forums where these woman have had 2, 3, 4 or more DDays & have chosen to stay & I just shake my head, like WTF are you doing? Are you mental? My sister's husband cheated on her several times & after the 2nd time of forgiveness it was hard to support her. How do you respect someone who doesn't respect themselves? And who am I to judge right? Well it has happened to me, that is why I judge. I’m a 3 strikes your out kind of person. My ex cheated on me twice that I knew of & when I suspected a 3rd time, I didn’t even stick around to find out, I bolted & it was the best decision of my life. I don’t know why so many women focus on the OW when you can use the OW as a great tool. A tool to get information out of a as well as a key to unlocking the mysteries of what a piece of crap your husband is or can potentially be. I thanked the OW’s in my sitch. They saved me thousands of dollars in what I would’ve spent in private investigator and decoy fees. I eventually was fortunate enough to see the bastard for who he is & got out. Ten years later he is now remarried with a new child. (Not even to any of the OW’s) A totally new clueless female…that poor girl. My DDay are definitely a celebration day. A “thank your husband’s mistress” day!

steadychevy said...

Well, here goes. I am a man. My wife committed adultery for a period of 3 to 4 years. She confessed on September 1, 2013. I am not functioning very well - not sleeping, nausea, not able to concentrate or do much of anything. This blog has really helped me and I found Kevin Jackson's stuff right after which kept me from really going over the deep end. I am sorry. I have never blogged and don't know abreviations. Started therapy last week. Hope it helps. Can't believe the pain. I didn't think you could hurt that much and live. Wife is truly remorseful - would give right arm to be able to do a "do over". Don't know what will happen. I invested a lot into marriage of 25 years when adultery started and raising 3 beautiful daughters. I guess she didn't but doesn't seem to know why. May not stick it out much longer. Maybe take the easier road, end the relationship completely and try to move on. Seems like that may get through the excruciating pain quicker. Daughters grown, educated and 2 married. Thank you for being available and candid. It has been a salvation. No one knows what this selfish, thoughtless, cruel and vicious - the ultimate insult and corruption to a marriage and relationship - act can do to a person until they have been through it. I sure didn't. I will submit this and see if I will continue to blog. Don't know if anyone interested in my story but telling someone might help.

Kelly said...

Good morning all-

It was a tough weekend in the parenthood department; but a good one for my husband and myself. I received a call at 1:30am on Saturday and my baby girl (17-our third oldest) was in the back of a police car. She got a minor for alcohol consumption and I had to pick her up. NOT FUN!!!! So there was a first in our family. Anyway, my husband and I were discussing how we were going to handle the situation and and he kept going on about "trust and respect". And yes, I said - well I can tell you it is a bitch to not trust someone you love and question everything they tell you. WHOA that hit a nerve. He said if you want to talk about "that" let's but not mix it with our child's situation. Which made me mad, but probably was correct. Anyway when we sat down with her to tell her of the consequences, he did most of the talking on "trust" and shocked me by saying, Jo trust is a hard deal. You work hard to earn it and it can be tossed away very easily and to try to earn someones trust back is hard. I know, I did it to someone I love. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. He never has said anything like that to me and I was stunned how he put it in perspective with our daughter. She doesn't know about the affair. But I can say that was the closest I have felt to him in a long time. A small sense of peace felt awesome. All I can say is it gives me hope and I need to take those small gems when I get them. I used your advice on changing my thought process about the skank and IT DID HELP! I actually felt in control. So thanks!
I hope everyone has a great day!

LET'S BE IN CONTROL OVER OUR THOUGHTS TODAY!!!!!

shawn thewife said...

CoCo Lemour: This reply may be wasted, as I think you may be a troll that commented twice last night. Once here and once on a previous post, Helpful Needle, as "NewLIfeNewWife". If I'm wrong, please forgive me. But since both of you asked if I was "mental" it ain't a reach to come to this conclusion.

You also talked about "judging" betrayed spouses that choose to reconcile. Let's make a deal...I won't judge you for bailing out if you don't judge me for doing the hard work to save my 30 year marriage. How about that?

You say the OW can be a font of information to be used against your wayward hubby. That's what I thought. Then...I got smart. Why in the hell would I believe anything Jaymie said to me?? She had already proved herself to be a deceptive, selfish, lying bitch!! Why would I want to listen to a word that came out of her putrid mouth??
The only smart move after DDay is to avoid the OW like she is Typhoid Mary! All OWs are poison to recovery regardless of the Road the betrayed chooses to facilitate healing.
I doubt I'll hear from you again, but please know that I welcome all comments, especially those that disagree with me. I want all recovery experiences to be shared here...in a compassionate manner, of course.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Steadychevy:

I am sorry to hear about your wife's infidelity.

Give yourself time to heal and decide to stay or go.

I still leave the door a crack open to leave, but I believe in second chances.

My spouse is doing everything right.

For Coco Lemour.

I apologize in advance for this comment, but I have to say the name you chose sounds like the name a professional mistress or OW would use.

If I am wrong, then regarding your choice to leave.

Well, I understand that because we do live in a "throwaway society".

It's drummed into our heads caily.

Most people can't even keep a cell phone for more than a year anymore.

Not me. Everyone is different.

shawn thewife said...

(((Steadychevy)))
I am so sorry for your pain. You are so fresh into the mess. I remember for the first few months I was still in shock and total disbelief. It takes a very long time to process this life altering trauma. Most therapists will advise you to wait at least 6 months before you make any big decisions in your life because most of us can barely decide what undies to wear for the first few months after DDay. Deciding about ending a marriage requires a much clearer head.
For now, if your WW (wayward wife) is showing true remorse and giving you complete transparency over her life, then you have hope for reconciliation. However, I always suggest MC. (marriage counseling)
My marriage would not have survived without it because our communication skills were so poor.

You have found a safe place among others that know how badly betrayal of this magnitude can rock your world. You are not alone. Please check out the
the Healing Heart support forum. The members of that message board can be a great source of comfort during your recovery. The link is at the bottom of my blog under "support found here". I also pasted it below.
http:/http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195//www.network54.com/Forum/233195/
Many of us have come out of the darkness with stronger, happier marriages than we ever thought possible. Whatever path you chose, we will be here to help you find your way on the Road back to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kelly: So sorry about the daughter drama!! Thank God she was OK and hopefully she'll learn from this.
Just as it seems your WH learned!! Wow! Trust revelation! Every glimmer of hope is a step forward on the Road to Happy!!
You're trying out the behavior modification mantra?? Awesome! Still amazes me how something that is so freakin' simple can actually help! You're right. It's about the control. Taking back a little control of your life. Feels empowering!!
Glad to hear you are feeling so positive!!
Own your happiness, Sister!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

CoCo Lemour said...

Sorry yes I accidentally posted twice because I wasn't sure if it went through the first time. So let's get right down to it. I love how you said I bailed out, but staying is the "hard work". Do you think "bailing" with no income with 2 kids, starting a new life in a new city is EASY? It would've been 10 times easier to stay. As I tried staying before because I didn't want the HARD WORK that came with starting over. Sorry shawn, not only did Richard fall head over heels for someone that could've been his granddaughter, but he cheated on you with prostitutes, & didn't you say he cheated before y'all got married as well? Yeah, I don't feel sorry for you. And what message are you giving your daughter? Staying is EASY! Bailing is the HARD WORK!

Kelly said...

SteadyChevy,
So sorry you are going through this HORIBBLE SHIT! What you are feeling is the same as I did. The not sleeping, nausea, no concentration. I thought it wasn't possible to feel that shitty. I actually had to leave work a few times because the "water faucet of tears" wouldn't subside. My advice is ask the questions you have to your wife. BUT (of course a but) make sure you think about the questions you want to hear the answers to. I didn't ask "where" because I live in a small town and I know myself I probably would have set fire to it! But let your wife know that is part of the healing process that you need to know! There is nothing easy about it. Please don't do anything until you can process your feelings toward her. If she is truly sorry, sad, blah blah blah, time will help you heal and think more about your relationship.

This blog has definatley helped me. I hope you can find peace soon!! YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH!!!!!

PS. Thanks Shawn for your thoughts!!!!!

shawn thewife said...

CoCo: Point taken! Bailed was a poor choice of words. When the CHOICES are forced on us, no choice is easy. All of them suck. None is easier than the other.

Here's where we part company and probably why I tossed out the snide "bailed" remark....you have such a lack of compassion for other betrayed spouses that don't think as you do. Your tone of superiority leads me to believe your heart has been hardened into dark concrete. I just can't imagine any other reason why you would be so cold and judgmental toward others that have suffered the same brutal betrayal as you.
I do not need your approval. I know reconciliation was right for me. I know it was right for my family.

I'm so sorry if my off the cuff reply to your comment caused you further pain, but if lashing out at me anonymously in cyberspace makes you feel better....bring it, Sister. I support whatever path you need to travel for your recovery.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn