****As in the previous post, this post and the comments that follow, have been edited for privacy****
This post is gonna cover two things on my mind today. First...On May 28th of this year, one of my Readers and fellow blogger, Flaca, published her last post. Kissing A Fool | Covered in Kisses and Lies
It said this:
“Unkind people need your kindness the most, they advertise their pain,” Rick Warren
Don't know who in the hell this Rick Warren guy is, but he makes one hell of a solid point with this little jewel of wisdom. I so totally get this now. Not so much until now.
For a year after the affair, I was that unkind person. To be frank, I wasn't just unkind. There are so many other adjectives that would describe me much more accurately. I don't need a handy, dandy thesaurus to call it what I was.
On bad days I was nasty, hateful, awful, fierce, vile, obnoxious, hellish, horrid and loathsome just to name a few. Not to worry...even though sometimes it pains me to remember what a beast I was, I also know I was a beast of burden and even though many think I don't deserve it, I have given myself a pass for most, if not all, of my repugnant behavior.
On good days I was merely disagreeable, objectionable, tough, unpleasant and as Grandpa might say...just plain ornery. On the rare occasion, on the surface I may even have appeared to be happy to most people in my life. I think only Richard knew that regardless of the smile of my face, I was miserable to the core. But, the affair ended nearly three years ago. I have moved on. I am happy.....until I'm not. When will the sneak attacks from Royal Bitch end?
My behavior during Grandpa's Birthday Bash and the consequences that will surely follow may be God's way, Karma's way, Fate's way...whatever...of teaching me a lesson I truly needed to learn in my life. I am prone to act out because of my residual pain. I gotta remember to demonstrate a little compassion when others seem cruel, uncaring or just annoying. They may also be suffering personal agony that I can not see.
Last week, I let all the triggers and my pain over ride the possibility that the family member that pushed me back into Crazy Town (it wasn't much of a shove. I was already way off balance!) may also have some damn heavy rocks in her Life Basket. Even if she was "unkind", my response was unacceptable.
In this particular instance, I needed to listen to Rick Warren. (BTW....gotta Google that guy. No clue who he is!) I believe with my entire heart, a heart that is still mending, that I need to learn to be kinder to all right now. Not accusatory. Not judgmental. Just kind, patient (Crap! Also not my strong suit!) compassionate and understanding. Think I can do it?? My heart wants to, but more than that...my heart NEEDS to.
The second part of this post is this...Where in the hell is FLACA???? She just dropped out of cyberspace! I have tried to comment on her blog, asking her to just check in for a role call. Nothing. My comment is still awaiting moderation. I have emailed her privately hoping she'll send a quick reply saying life is good and busy. She is ready to move on without us. Nada!
I'm concerned about her and I'm hoping one of you have had some sort of contact with her since her last post on May 28th. Or, maybe she is still reading, just not posting.
FLACA! If you're out there, Girlfriend, please just send up a flare so we know you're OK.
One of my Readers, Jessa, thinks I want to be all sweet and nice but I'm just not made that way. Maybe she has a very sharp and narrow point, but you don't have to be sweet to be kind. Right?
Wish me luck. I'm gonna go try out there and be the antithesis of unkind! I will learn not to unleash my pain on innocent bystanders! Transference be damned!
There is most certainly a lesson to be learned here and I don't intend to ignore it.