****This post has been edited for privacy issues. I also had to remove many of the comments for the same reasons. I'm sorry. I hate to squash our conversation, but it was the right thing to do.****
Still have lots of family visiting. One more day of Grandpa's 100 year birthday celebration, but I have been blessed with a quiet morning to regroup.
I need it. Here's why....
Yesterday was the big birthday bash, here in my home. I've been planning the party for months. Planning the entire weekend really, each and every day to give my out of town family a memorable time and to be certain Grandpa is shown as much LOVE as possible.
Somehow my plan took a detour through Crazy Town.
****Here's where most of the edits came in. I wrote this post about a family conflict and how it affected me. I now feel I must limit details to respect the privacy of other members of my family. If the post seems discombobulated...Again, I'm sorry. After I shared this post and the one that follows, one of my wonderful readers pointed out the error of my ways. I didn't think it through before. I don't have any right to pontificate about the personal trauma of anyone else. I share ALL my visits to Crazy Town, but in this post I wrote about the pain of another. That was selfish and thoughtless. I had to correct my error in judgement with heavy handed use of my delete button.****
This visit with my family has been uncomfortable, awkward and super weird. Yesterday, the shit hit the fan and Crazy Town relocated to my guest bedroom.
When it comes to busting chops, I can usually take as well as I dish out (you all know I can dish it out!) but I guess the stress of the weekend had me on edge...a very precarious edge. What may have been light hearted joking, felt cruel and uncalled for. Jabs that might just sting on a regular day, cut like a knife under the duress of party planning.
Yesterday morning, I was trying to get myself geared up for all that needed to be done for the BIG day. I have had many parties like this, so I pretty much have the drill down. I just needed to do things in my time, my way. I just wanted to relax for an hour before the day took off at a furious pace. Of course, many offers of assistance continued and some remarks were made about how I am just like my mom, controlling. Have to have it my way. Do it all myself.
I let those remarks go, but inside I was seething.
I know that emotion. It scares me. I have kept it at bay for many months now. I felt my streak of living on the safe side of Crazy Town was about to end right before all the guests arrived. I reeled myself in...for a second anyway. My self control was fleeting. I heard what I thought was another snide remark and the flood gates of anger overwhelmed me.
Hello, Dark Side! Rage bubbles up and over the top!! Looks like we're heading into Crazy Town for the day! I know all about the Transference bullshit yet, I couldn't stop it. I screamed at the convenient transference target.....
"Fuck you! Outside...NOW!"
You should have seen the look of fear on the other occupants of my kitchen!! Lord, help me. I had just set the tone for a truly lousy party.
Tried to explain why I was so pissed. I was so damn angry. I was not very articulate. Didn't matter anyway. The damage was done. Most of my family that got wind of my little meltdown steered clear of me for the duration of the day. This did not improve my attitude.
Here's my question: Once a resident of Crazy Town, always a resident? Did I lose it yesterday because of party stress or was it more than that? Richard began the affair with Jaymie, that act of infidelity that nearly destroyed me, during the month of September, three years ago. Am I trying so hard to ignore that fact that it's eating me up inside? Am I still Crazy after all these years?
I can tell you this...I have been planning that party for months. Now, it's just more collateral damage on my Road back to Happy. I'm crying as I type. I spent no time with my family. I hid in the kitchen under the guise of prepping food all damn day. Today, everyone is out playing golf or lounging at the hotel. (Barona, the casino where Richard fucked Jaymie during the months of September and October 2010. Triggers much??) I'm home with my kids. While they rest in their rooms, I decided to pour out my guts in cyber space. It usually helps.
Crap, People. After three damn years I should know when the affair is gonna jump up and bite me on the ass! I also should know I can't blame every meltdown I have on the affair. I gotta own any new time I spend in Crazy Town. So, I'll own this. I wasted my Grandpa's 100th birthday and after all these years...I should have known better. Dammit.