I almost didn't post this. As you may have come to understand if you are a regular reader, I don't like myself much when I whine. I expect more from myself. I like to wear the Toughie Pants. Then, I figured screw it. This blog started out as a virtual diary, a place to pour out my emotional bile and help me understand how to feel better, to DO better. I put everything else out there, might as well show the world my whimpering side. I'm working hard to convince Debbie Downer that depression isn't a sign of weakness. It just means maybe I've tried to be strong for too long.
Before DDay, I never really understood the condition of depression. I had not experienced it. It was so foreign to me. I considered it to be a state of mind that only infected weak people that couldn't get out of their own way.
Self-righteous and pompous much?? My judgmental mind thinks God doesn't like us to be self-righteous and oh so sure of our inner strength, so He sent me a ticket on the Karma bus to knock me right off that lame high horse. That ticket was called DDay.
Don't scoff! I know infidelity is never the fault of the betrayed. I didn't deserve to get kicked in the heart. I KNOW! God wasn't really punishing me for feeling superior to those that don't wear Toughie Pants. But, when other parts of my life aren't shining like rainbows and running like clock work, I just don't bounce back or fight back like I did before DDay, so sometimes I feel a little more sorry for myself than I should....or than I would have Pre-DDay.
Let me try to explain my melancholy attitude. I've told you that I have tried very hard to learn to be a more sympathetic person since the end of my time in Crazy Town. The old Toughie Pants me strives daily to be compassionate for others in pain instead of rolling my eyes and thinking something intolerant like, "Quit whining! Suck it up and move on!"
Well...maybe I wasn't that indifferent and hateful, but I was no bleeding heart to be sure. If I can find understanding and even tender feelings for others suffering, why can't I give myself a break when I'm in pain?? When my heart aches, I get angry with myself. What's up with that??
There is no doubt that I have been wallowing in a pseudo-state of depression for over a month. I wasn't gonna write about it because I felt my woefulness unworthy of screen time. I keep waiting for Toughie Pants to show up and rescue me. She has been absent too long. My spirit is as flat as Kate Moss' chest and I am sick of it!
Before you start thinking Richard did something heinous, let me clarify. He is innocent. I am heavy hearted because of something else regarding other members of my family. This situation is just too personal to share. I give you all most of my life here on these pages, but I am loathe to drag other dear loved ones into my online pity party. Suffice it to say, my heart feels like a truck full of lead is resting upon it and I am helpless to do anything to change the course of the situation.
So as not to worry you, no one is terminal or even slightly ill. It is all about distance, time apart and choices being made by someone I love more than life itself that has given life to Debbie Downer.
Debbie became part of my persona after DDay. I never knew anything about her before then. She had never revealed herself to me previously. When I began to walk my Road to Happy, I thought I beat her back. I was way wrong about that. She lies in wait, just under the surface, for any situation that rocks my world.
She sucks the life outta me.
I question my lack of resiliency right now. Did the affair aftermath rob me of my backbone? My steadiness? Should I be resigned to the fact that I am most certainly not the same person I was before? OR...would I have reacted the same way right now dealing with this issue even if there had never been a DDay?
Besides questioning myself an exorbitant amount, I also worry that Richard will get tired of me being less than I used to be and move on. Doesn't sound like I'm feeling my marriage is all that and a big bag of chips, does it? But, in the deepest part of my soul, I believe it is stronger than any of our 31 years together. Seriously. How can I feel so sure of us yet question his commitment?
He has watched me sink for a month. He has tried to be supportive but he is sad as well. As I struggle with this fresh drama I worry about disappointing Richard. WHY?? Because, contrary to what I am telling you I truly believe about our relationship, I worry he will get very tired and become exasperated with Debbie Downer and seek out a new Jaymie!
Irrational? You bet! Since when does that matter to a depressed person? I never claimed or even thought I was perfect before, far from it, but since DDay, every now and again, when Debbie Downer rules the roost, I feel the need to be closer to perfect to protect myself from being hurt again.
That's a whole new neighborhood in Crazy Town.
That's a whole lot of pressure.
I'm not sure writing this is helping.
Here's the big question...why can't I just deal with the issue at hand without intermingling emotional baggage from the affair? It's been 3 1/2 years!! Will I battle with Debbie Downer and lingering effects of Richard's infidelity forever? Will I ever stop questioning myself when I am in a tight spot?
Is this normal or am I not nearly as far along my Road to Happy as I profess?
Geez. Son of a bitch. I can't focus. Somebody smack me.