After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Time to Lawyer Up

Each word I read of Jaymie's statement in the restraining order subpoena was another step backward, deeper into Crazy Town.  Any of the meager progress I'd made traveling out of that God forsaken hell hole was nearly lost.  I say "nearly" because I had an ace in that hole...the good people of the Healing Heart.  I don't think I went to them for help when I first received the order to appear in court.  Wish I had.  Yeah, whatever!  If wishes and buts were candy and nuts my cheating husband would have kept it in his pants and I wouldn't be writing this blog!  Blah....

Anyway, my anger level was peaking as I read how she felt like such a victim.   Her life was so disrupted by my intrusions!  PLEASE!  She'd noted that she had an affair with my husband.  That was the way she put it.  "A year ago I had an affair with Shawn's husband."  The rest was all about my "harassment" of her and her family.  Most of it was true.  Some of it wasn't.  Didn't matter.  I wanted to make her eat every word and the paper it was printed on.

I needed a lawyer and NOT the one I was married to.  I wanted a shark.  Someone that would help me take down Jaymie like the doomed swimmer chick at the beginning of 'Jaws'.  (I'm loving that visual!) Asked Richard who I should call and he suggested 'D' the law partner of banished best friend, Marc.  'D' isn't just Marc's partner.  He is also a very old and dear friend of ours, because of that I chose to use only his first initial in this post.  I say "our friend" but more accurately I mean Richard's.  We knew 'D' way before Marc, but it's a boy's club, I tell ya.  They are only friendly with the wives if there is no need to cover the man's rear end.

In my mind's eye, I saw myself in court, facing Jaymie, all lawyered up and supremely intimidating.  I'd get my chance to speak and my voice would make her ears bleed.  This is what I had wanted for a year.  This is why I "harassed" her and her family.  She would have to sit there while Geek Boy Kevin, Daddy James and maybe even her Mama listened to me wax eloquent about the times she got naked with my husband, the places she slept with him and even the time she begged him to leave me and our kids.  They would learn of all the lies she told to be with him in secret and how she was tossed aside like a used condom when I found out.
I was thinking I could chalk a big one up in my win column.

Did Richard really want me to drag 'D' into this?  I tried to reason with him that he was running out of friends.  Maybe we should use a stranger.  I planned to spill it all.  Keeping it as anonymous as possible seemed to be the responsible and reasonable thing to do.  (the fact that I had any reasonable thoughts at that time is surprising, right?)  He felt like 'D' would take the best care of me. That's how he put it.  He explained that a restraining order was not a little thing to be dismissed.  This was very serious and he wanted a friend to have my back.
I said OK.  He's the lawyer.  Gotta trust his gut when heading to court.

He gave 'D' a call and set up an appointment for me.  I think I saw him the next day.  I went to his office and of course, Marc was there.  I didn't even look at him.  Walked straight to 'D's office and sat with my back to the door.  I was grateful for the positioning.  'D's desk faced out to the hall, straight toward Marc's office and both walls were all glass.  Staring out at Marc while I told 'D' the horrific story would have been too much.  I was all TOO MUCH, but that might have sent me running for another attorney in a hurry.

'D' let me tell him about the past year and how I couldn't wait to share it all in court.  He seemed like a good listener, but I think he was manipulating me, or at least trying to.  He really thought if he let me bad mouth Richard and Jaymie in the privacy of his office I'd get it out of my system and he could talk me into a gentler way of dealing with the mess I'd created.
I found out later that's how he saw it.  This was MY mess.  He thought Richard should be running for the hills because I was a nut job.

He tried to convince me that I was talking about ruining Richard reputation.  That open court wasn't a place to air dirty laundry.  He told me I might not even get a chance to speak.  I said if I didn't, then he was a really shitty attorney.  I gave him a chance to back out.  I told him I thought contacting him to represent me was a bad idea, but that Richard was adamant.
I asked him if he was my lawyer or Richard's.  That was key.

I was in that office over an hour.  Crying, yelling and demanding, but not once acquiescing.  'D' finally decided he was not changing my mind that day, so he offered up a compromise.
He said, "Let me call Jaymie.  Let me get a feel of where she is on this.  Maybe I can find a way to work all this out."

Work it all out??  Wow.  Was 'D' really like "Super Lawyer"?  What did work it all out even mean?  My head was throbbing and my eyes were swollen from sobbing.  I was spent.  I asked again, "Are you my lawyer or Richard's?"  He assured me he would be my attorney and mine alone.
Can you believe I bought that?


TryingHard said...

Oh no. Not very ethical on D's part right?

Connie said...

I was hoping you'd end this particular with some sort of self awareness such as "D was right he couldn't help me." I mean you have your head so far up your ass during Crazy Town ya can't even see the forrest from the damn trees! D was right, you might have not got the chance to speak in court & secondly, he was saving your ass for any regrets down the road. Were you brought up a spoiled child? I know your Mother was controlling but holy shit, just the fact that you went straight into office demanding things & saying if he doesn't do what you say then he is a shitty attorney?

Your husband is the shitty attorney, husband, boyfriend and who knows what else. In fact isn't the word "shitty" the word your daughter described him as during the affair? Yeah, so let's add shitty father to that.

I mean you two are a piece of fucking work & the more you type the more I am routing for Jaymie. You spoiled demanding controlling people and your threats, your judgements, your manipulations. If he didn't cheat with Jaymie it would've been someone else. And this coward of a shitty husband of yours has the effing nerve to recommend a lawyer for his mess because he is so scared shitless of you to tell you, look honey let's just let the dead dogs lie & move on. This is clearly not a stand up guy before, during and after his affair.

His own attorney buddies saw right through your bat shit controlling BS from the get. Taking responsibility for your actions. Have your hubby take responsibility for his and be a mature classy woman. You can control your wimpy husand but you can't control Jaymie! You can only control you. You both are far beyond damaged. The more I read the less I feel sorry for you. Leave the piece of shit. Take whatever dignity & self respect you have left (if there is any) and start a new life of peace, humility, gratitude and being humble.

Rec Rockstar said...

Hi Shawn
OMG I feel for you. I can understand why your husband would want you to be looked after by someone you know but lets face it D will have more loyalty to Richard than u - old boys network!
If I were you I think I might look for a lawyer who's completely impartial. As you say its YOUR lawyer. someone whos supposed to support you.
Ive said before in other posts that I decided not to tell anyone about my husbands affair. I didnt want to be influenced into making decisions by other people's agenda. Its been hard not having anyone to talk to but I think its been a major part in my/our recovery. I have enough to deal with without dealing with pitying looks and comments. I havent had to deal with watching my family and particularly my kids going through the emotional trauma of realising what my husband did.
My husband is a good man who made a huge mistake. If I had continued to punish him for it we would for sure be heading for divorce by now.
I am worried that if you have your day in court and tell the world what the affair has done to you, about your husbands (and her) behaviour that it could cause your relationship more trauma and consequently sabotage your recovery. I completely understand the urge to tell everyone what a slut she is and what they did and how it has hurt u and your family. Ive had that so often. When I hear people saying my husband is a great guy " would never hurt a soul" I just want to say " if only you knew what he is capable of !" But I know in my heart that to do that would inflict so much more pain on so many people and I stop myself.
I would never say dont do it. If u really feel its what u want to do then go with it. Im sure that your relationship having weathered such a storm so far is strong enough to take anything else life can throw at it.
you are in my thoughts
Much love and huge hugs

Kate M. said...

It really gets me, how you were considered by some to be a 'nut job'... that happens far too often to betrayed spouses whose pain is so great that it causes them to act in uncharacteristic ways. It's one of the reasons this experience can be so damned isolating- so many people cannot begin to understand the pain and the ongoing response/reaction to it. I used to say it would have been kinder if he had just poured gasoline on me and set me on fire, as long as he had the balls to face me while he was doing it instead of sneaking up from behind.
I'm looking forward to hearing how this all played out. Really hoping that D showed you at least some loyalty and respect as your attorney AND as your friend.

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: "D' is a lot of things, but unethical ain't one them. I know the ending of the post suggested that, but as I finish the story, I think you'll come to understand that he was acting as a friend more than a lawyer. He was truly worried about me. (or scared of me! LOL!) Probably more worried about Richard, but 'D' eventually came around because Richard told him in no uncertain terms...give Shawn what she needs. Help her.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Connie: Holy Crap! That's a whole lotta nasty attitude! If you think I'm such a "piece of fucking work", why in the hell do you read my blog? You sound like you've read the whole thing. Why do you bother?

There are so many inaccurate statements in your comment. I just don't have the time or the inclination to respond to them all, so I'll just throw a large blanket over the entire contentious mess....
you are so missing the point of my story. Even if I tried to explain it to you in simple words you might comprehend, I doubt I could change your mind about me anyway.

This blog is about all the mistakes I made the first year after the affair. No one knows better than me that I made recovery nearly impossible for such a long time. So, if my mistakes on my Road to Happy are such a disappointment to you, please go find another blog written by a perfect person.

You did get one thing right. If Richard didn't cheat with Jaymie it would have been someone else. She wasn't special. She was just an available open hole.
My life is good. Not always peaceful, but full of gratitude for second chances. Maybe you need to take a little of your own medicine. Your hate filled, know-it-all comment doesn't sound too peaceful or humble at all.
Peace out...Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Rec Rockstar: This all happened over 2 years ago. I'm just telling the story of THEN. Today I work very hard to live in the moment and focus on NOW.

I love that you made choices after your DDay that have worked for you. You had the presence of mind to look ahead at the potential damage. Good for you. Wish I had possessed some of that amazing self-control.

Thanks for your concern, but my story is old news. I know it can be confusing when I change it up and write about life now. Sorry!
Maybe I need to throw up a flag or something when I switch from THEN to NOW!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kate: I don't blame people for thinking I was crazy. I was a nut job! I was out of control with no idea how to heal myself.
I will say 'D' was far less compassionate than I would expect or at least hope a friend would be. He's an ignorant man's man. A guy's guy. But...lucky for me...he is also a really great attorney!
'D' doesn't get how infidelity can break the betrayed. Richard had no idea how damaged I'd be either. Richard learned. Maybe he can educate 'D'!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

LOL, yes Shawn by the end of the post I did think it would end badly and unethically.

Were my name D and I was personally connected to you and Richard I would have said No to the case. At the point of your Crazy Town and just from what I've garnered from your story you needed a real objective person to handle your case. I'm sure D could have been the perfect attorney for such a case but dealing with legalities and emotions is a tough thing to do without the subjective opinions coming into it.

When my H and I were considering divorce he very calmly tried to appeal to me by suggesting we not "waste" any money by having separate lawyers and that we should share HIS lawyer!! Really how stupid did he think I was??? I laughed in his face and told him under no uncertain terms would that EVER happen!

Finish the story! Can't wait to hear what finally brought you out of Crazy Town. You are so brave to tell it. Cheers and Hugs to you as always :)

rec rockstar said...

Hi Shawn
Im so glad you clarified that this was a reflection on what happened. I feel like a bit of an idiot for not realising that lol.
I thought you were having a major set back. Am so glad you are past it now.
Crazy town is such a hard place to live in. No one can really understand how it feels until it happens for real. Just a few days ago i found myself driving along the street where SHE lives. I dont know her surname or the number of her house but I know she is a nurse. So im driving and then spot a nurse with big boobs getting out of her car. You have no idea how much restraint was needed to stop me getting out of my car and asking her her name. Its probably not even her but it could be. So although I am in a good place in my marriage I still find myself doing bizarre things - none of which I have admitted to my husband! Ive spent time looking through the friends of friends of friends !!! lists on facebook to see if I can identify her but I'm wasting my time and torturing myself for nothing.
Maybe the only way this will completely stop is to see her face to face and get the chance to ask her why she couldnt just walk away from a married man but instead pursue him til he gave in. There is no way my husband would take me there. He says he just wants to obliterate her and what he did from his mind. I suppose I should respect that.
This blog and its responses has given me so much support and advice. Thank you for sharing

Susan WG said...

As always, I am amazed at how similar stories of betrayal are. When my WH and I were at the bottom of the pit and talking divorce he told me it would be best if we "shared" an attorney to save money! As if, after surviving the hell of his lies, I would need or seek his opinions much less follow his advice.

Within the first few days after my discovery I had already consulted several attorneys about paperwork and records to pull together before I confronted him. I had it all organized and out of our home in a safe deposit box in a bank before I ever told him I knew what he had been doing. Looking back, when all this was happening I felt like such an idiot for never suspecting his conflicting stories and working late and missing cash. Really though, the strength was showing through from the very beginning. I've only just recently been able to look at the past 4 years and understand that I've always had the incredible ability to take care of myself and believe in the decisions I've made.

TryingHard said...


I know what you are saying. I too am amazed at the similarities and in some ways for me it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. I guess there is only one way to be tacky!

The best thing I did during that time was to lawyer up. I was willing to give him a chance and let him come clean but my bad ass lawyers was my empowerment. It's what kept the ball in my court so to speak. If he really didn't want our marriage anymore that was his decision but I was not going to make another stupid decision by allowing him to dictate what my settlement was going to be. It would have devastated his business financially. He knows I would have done everything in my power to walk away with what belonged to me and not a penny less.

The really funny thing is that my attorney and his wife have just recently moved into the condo facing mine. He is so funny and says hello every time he sees me outside. LOL makes my husband very uncomfortable and I just laugh at how sheepish he is whenever my lawyer does that. UMMM Karma???

BS said...


I haven't read the comments here yet but D's comment, in your blog, had me seething.

The fact that you later found out that D, the attorney, felt that Richard should run for the hills, tells me he was your lawyer to win, perhaps, but he was not on your side.

What an Asshat.

Personally, I love it that Jaime put herself on the court record as a cheater.

That will be public record for the rest of her life.

I doubt she even knows what it means to be on the public record.

My counselor told me that many cheaters tell her the shame of being outed is part of why they never want to cheat again.

They soon learn that people do not trust people who cheat on their spouses and it can hurt the trust required in certain types of businesses.

My husband due to gossip spread by the OW, lost of few key accounts because these people needed someone who was trustworthy and they no longer saw my husband as such.

My husband was one of those people whom everyone talked about as being above reproach.

Losing clients due to gossip of his cheating was a profound lesson for him. He does not want to be that guy.

For Jaime, anyone who dates her can check the public record and see that she admitted to cheating.

When I was in my 20s, a friend set me up with a gorgeous guy who was doing quite well financially, but whose wife had divorced him a year prior.

I had met him many times at her home and we really hit it off.

When I asked why his wife divorced him, my friend told me that he had cheated on his wife.

I canceled our first date, immediately. I did not want to date a known cheater.

The guy really liked me and was hurt and tried to convince me through our mutual friend that he had changed.

I was not up for the risk, particularly since I was not invested in a relationship with him in any way, yet.

Perhaps someday Jaime will have a similar experience.

Is that what they call Karma?

Kathy said...


I just wanted to say thank you! I am in the process of reading your blog from the start. I have made it as far as 2013. I am currently 20 days from DDay, having found out my husband was having an "on again, off again" affair for the past 3 years. Your blog has really allowed me to recognize EVERYTHING I am feeling, thinking and doing are NORMAL!

I know this comment does not go with this particular blog post, but I really felt the need to reach out! Thank you! Kathy

TryingHard said...


Congratulations. 20 days after DDay I still couldn't find my way put of my bed! Actually I packed up and went to Santa Barbara for 10 days.

Hope you find some solace in these blogs. I know I did. I didn't find any for about 6 months. Didn't know there were so many of us out there.

Hang in there kid and buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Halohalo said...

I'm glad I found your blog. It's the first one that I found months before Dday. I wasn't looking for it, never even thought about cheating except reading romance books where the heroine leaves after finding her bf/husband cheating. Little did I know that marriages could survive after infidelity. 6 months ago, I quit my job or rather left a great career, moved to another country with hubby of 22 years for his job, and I'm now 3 months pregnant with our 4 th baby. 5 weelks ago, after years of my intuition going off, asking him if he cheated on me, he confessed to a ons 20 years ago. It still didn't sound right so last night after more asking begging for the truth, he told me it lasted longer than one night, and he had feelings for the ow. My spidey sense was still acting up, so this morning, I persisted, it wasn't one, but 4 far....

I don't know what I'm going to do but I do now know that I have a choice, to stay or go...& I'm not alone in my journey no matter what I decide. Thank you to you & the other ladies/men for sharing your stories.

Kris said...

Hey, Shawn. I am a latecomer: I started reading your blog a few weeks ago, and I've only just now finished reading your entries -- and ALL the comments! -- from the beginning. I am about three months out from discovering my own husband's long term affair, (which comes with a whole 'nother set of pain and torment). I wanted to let you know that by telling your story you have saved at least one person from winding up in court along with you. I was ready with some insane plans of my own until I stopped here and asked myself if I really wanted that. I didn't. You also directed me to the Healing Heart and SurvivingInfidelity, which have become instrumental to my sanity.

I can only believe that the haters who fault you for your visit to Crazy Town and your obsession with the "other woman" have never been in this much pain themselves. Please just disregard them.

I look forward to reading the end of your story. I am also happy to read the posts from now which show you in a better place. I have to believe that there is a way OUT of Crazy Town, even if canb't see it yet. Keep sending up flares, please.

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: LOL! Oh, yeah! The Karma bus! It's not often the bus route drives by that close to home!!
I love that you took charge of your life after DDay.

You're a great example for other betrayed spouses struggling after DDay. Take care of YOU first!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kathy: All comments are welcome. My blog doesn't really have a "flow"! The Road to Happy is never a straight line.

Reaching out to others that know your pain, that understand how betrayal is so much more than devastating, is the best way (IMHO) to begin to heal. Our brains our not equipped to process the pain of DDay, confusion insures and bad choices can (Probably WILL) be made.

You have just started the very long journey to healing, but you took the right path right away. You don't have to travel alone.
Ask questions, comment, rant rave...whatever you need.
So, no thanks needed.
I am so grateful for the members of the Healing Heart message boards. (Check it out. So helpful! The link is at the bottom of my blog) They saved me when I was hopeless. I just wanna pay it forward.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

HaloHalo: I'm so sorry you are in this horrid place. Your WH sounds like a real asshole. (if you don't mind my saying!) The secret is...even assholes can turn around and become amazing people. The key: HE has to change. You can't do it for him, but you can take care of you.
That's priority number one after DDay. You can't control anything he does, but you can control how you react to it all. Please take good care of you and your babies. Focus on your well being. If we can offer support, please come here and let us help.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kris: Welcome to our little support group. Sorry you need to join us, but there is safety in numbers. Especially when the numbers contain others that really "get it".
It means a lot that you made good choices after DDay because you read about my bad ones. That's a huge part of what this blog has big flashing warning sign!
I am in a better place. You will get there, too.
I'll do my best to keep the flares of caution burning! It helps that I have so many readers, like you, willing to shine their lights as well.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn