After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Getting my Fix

I was flying by the seat of my pathetically, ignorant pants.  I still beat myself up about the many strategic blunders I committed the first year after DDay.  I could forgive myself for the first dozen or so, but as I continue my story you'll see, I wasn't exactly on the fast track to acceptance and recovery.

 I was more child-like in my need for instant gratification than anything else, lots of temper tantrums and acting out.  A quick fix for an event that changes your life so suddenly doesn't exist.  Educated hind-sight has taught me I should have ignored Jaymie, but the compulsion to learn all I could about Richard's affair buried any of my dwindling common sense.

In my new world, the only thing that mattered was the steady, perpetual stream of questions eating away at my psyche.  The quandaries demanded explanations and through those, I anticipated resolution.  When I write about my train of (or lack of) thought during those first few months, I'm shaking my head the whole time.  The harsh fact is, when you experience DDay, it will require effort of gargantuan proportions to think of anything other than your wayward spouse in the arms of their home wrecker of choice.

My head throbbed with what, where, why, how and when.  I medicated with xanax, vodka and wine frequently, but that was a limited fix at best and I DO NOT recommend it.  I would have done anything to get the dirt, the details, the whole sordid scoop. Richard had already proved himself to be less than forth coming with the facts of the time he spent with Jaymie and how he really felt about her.  I could see no other way to quiet the tsunami in my head than to utilize the whore with first hand knowledge, Jaymie.
My planned phone call to Jaymie had been successful.  She sent this soon after we spoke.

Hi Shawn,
It was good to talk with you today.
I'm starting the project of sending you letters. Chronologically, to the best of my ability. 
- Jaymie

For the betrayed, there is no way to over-state how obsessive the need for answers about the affair will become.  From the second you board the coaster from hell, you become an information addict.  Sometimes, the questions linger for years because questions that get answered, beget more questions.  It's a diabolical curse, a vile circle of torment.  You become dependant on a regular fix of new details.
You may be convinced that it will be impossible for you to survive without the entire, unvarnished truth, but I'm here to tell you, the truth can haunt your head even more than unanswered questions.  If you're new to the coaster, you won't believe that.  No way I would have listened back then. I was an information junkie and I wouldn't find a decent rehab for months.
So, I opened the email and started to shoot up.



Jaymie 

 to rich
show details Sep 8
I'm assuming that you won't be getting this tonight.. I'm hoping this will be the first thing you see when you get into the office. Sitting in your chair. The chair that I straddled you on. And laughed as we fell to the floor. And then you directed me back to the couch...

I loved that you searched the couch for my earring on your knees, with your hands running along every crevice. And when you finally found my treasure you rejoiced. And still now it's hiding safe and secretly within your clothes. I love you. You love me the way I want to be loved... because you cherish every thing.

I told you that today I was sorting through some difficult heart matters. There doesn't even have to be anything wrong.. just an absence of right. 

But between Josh and I, there has been wrong done. And it's all only now coming to the surface. During August, I've slowly let myself see the hurt he caused me. Actually, today around 5:15, I made a list. Rich, it filled the whole page. 

I've run out of trust for him.
He was so subtle and I was able to keep my own love alive by adding my positivity and happiness and hope. He had me fooled. And his lies started collapsing over these last 5 months. 

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to say this much. And I care that you probably have something important you should be working on right now (if it is the morning.) I want you to have the whole picture. I want you to know where I'm coming from. Because you make me so happy. When I answer the phone and I hear your voice I can feel vibrations coming out of you and our hearts filling and expanding and overflowing with love. My hope is alive. Despite everything, I believe in love. Only after coming into your light did I see how malnourished my heart was. Of course there were times of happiness. I've always felt very connected to him. He knew how to read me and could use it to his advantage. But I want to trust you. You are easy to trust. When you told  me I was your first priority, I knew it was true. I know you can read me easily too, but it's because our souls match. If I reached these realizations alone without you, I'd probably be scared and crushed. But instead, I feel like a bird that was let out of a cage. I know you want to help me. And that you love me for who I am.

I intended to sit down and write you a nice, wonderful letter. But more than that, I wanted to share what was really on my heart. I can't deny you, even if this is more than you requested. And I didn't want to spend our time tomorrow talking about burdens. 

It is now after midnight and I am tired. I'm excited to see you tomorrow. Every day has been feeling like the day before christmas because I know I'll be talking to you in the morning.  Thank you for your last email... it warmed me and exposed the surface of my heart. I wish there was nothing separating us. But I'm content to be so close to you. 

yours,
Jaymie

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

That had to hurt!

~~ S

shawn, the wife said...

~~S: It was surreal. Reading the emails felt like I was having an out of body experience. This couldn't be happening to me! How could he be drawn to a girl that poured her feelings out like a tree leaks sap?
His emails to her hurt the most. Richard never spoke to me with words of love like that. Sure, he told me he loved me, almost daily, but never in 30 years did we share such romantic rhetortic.
My heart bled.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Fighter And Survivor said...

I totally feel you on this one. I've had to read some things too both in email and blog form. And yes, it hurt like a son of a bitch. One day, my husband brought his work laptop home and I knew I just had to check. I HAD to. And no surprise there, I did find more emails between the 2 of them. When he took down his blog one day as it was obviously hurting me too much, how else would they communicate? One good thing (or bad) is that I don't have a way to find their IM chat history. I think that would kill me if I were able to find it.

I don't think I'm done with the fix just yet. I'm still itching to find more. Be strong and I'm wishing you the very best during this rough times.

shawn, the wife said...

So sorry for your pain, Fighter. I love that you added Survivor to your screen name. That is the only way to find your way off the roller coater, focus on healing.

I don't care so much about the emails anymore. Jaymie sent them to me in November of 2010, a little over a month after DDay. It took me a year to really want to move forward. I was so busy finding ways to validate my pain, I missed a whole year. In December of 2011, I started my blog and found the Healing Heart message boards online. Those two things have made all the difference for me.

Thanks so much for reading and posting. Can't imagine going through this alone.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn, I can so relate to you needing to get a fix. I was there, I wanted to know every detail too. H was great, he told me whatever I wanted and we have an understanding that if I ask I want the whole truth.

The truth hurts sometimes and I found out that the more details I got the more I cycled and kept myself stagnant in the healing process. I ask for less and less details now 8 months into reconnection and I am getting to a place of calm again.

Someone on another forum wrote this and it makes me remember that my H was lost and broken and now he is on the road to recovery.

"Just remember this...that relationship, affair, slumming period...whatever you want to call it, was a LIE. It wasn't real..it wasn't authentic...it was a LIE based on lies, based on someone your spouse really isn't.
It was an insane act by an insane person who found another insane person."

H tells me today that he is in awe of the strength that I have to get through this.

Thanks for paying it forward with your story . . . I am awe of your strength too.

Hugs,

Sassy

De said...

@Shawn & Anonymous - Thank you for your blog post Shawn and thank you Anonymous for your comment. I am so grateful to have found this blog. Your comment "A" about insane acts by an insane person,etc., was great to read and so dead on. I have to remind and re-remind myself of that almost hourly. I'm 9 months from D-Day, but 5 months from the week that the fog finally seemed to clear from my husband's head and he finally got on board with healing. I appreciate that you threw another "date" to remember and it's a good one for a change - Reconnection. So much better than D-day. Shawn, I could vomit reading Jaymie's words to your, (YOUR!) husband. I really don't know how you made it through that - and more?! Like all of the rest of us, I have questions plaguing my mind 24/7. If my eyes are open, I'm wondering. He's agreed to answer questions, but has said it would be easier if Iwrite them and he answers them that way. I think it's just too hard for him to look at me when we talk about it. I get it. I have to find a way to get those thoughts and questions from my brain to the paper now. He also tells me daily how grateful that I never gave up on him, or on us, and that he will do whatever it takes to make things right again. That's a gift. I wish I could just go on with that alone. I wish it was possible to let the poison of this betrayal go and just be content with his remorse and his gratitude for hanging on. You guys make me feel normal for still having these feelings. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here.

shawn, the wife said...

(((Sassy))) You just shared a very precious morsel of intel to the readers here! Richard was totally whacked out! He had even tried to tell me he was feeling depressed. While he was in the middle of the A he even a shrink without telling me. He knew he was out of control.
What haunts me is I missed all the signs! No, that's not true. I IGNORED all the signs.

Thank you so much for your comment. It is a truth would should embrace and understand. When the FOG lifts, we'll get back our REAL partners. We'll recognize the men we love.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

De: The brain bombardment will lessen with time. If your H is on board with helping you heal, you are ahead of the game, Sister!
Keep the comment from Sassy close to your heart. The man that betrayed you was not the guy you married. Well, it was him covered in crazy!
I hope your H remains committed to your recovery. That is what makes all the difference.

So glad you've joined us here on the road to happy!
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Xena said...

Later, when the insanity had abated I wish I hadn't asked certain things and a year later when I compulsively check for his name on sex forums, sometimes I wish I hadn't. (my husband was extremely forthright about his activities bwt his a recovering porn addict and has been screwing around for years).

Its made it harder to make love or sometimes just be happy, now that we have decided to try and work it out.

Nothing cuts to the quick, quite like a unfaithful partner

shawn, the wife said...

Hello, Xena. Thanks for joining us.

I hear ya about hind site. Certain things are just TOO much, like I wish I didn't know Richard did Jaymie on his office chair. He sits in that chair almost everyday....EEEWWWW! There are actually lots of things I didn't need to know, but still many things I continue to ask about.

But here's what's different for me from when I was insane....If a new question pops in my head and starts to overwhelm my thoughts, I ask myself: Do I really need to know the answer? Will having the knowledge make our marriage stronger? How will having more info about the A help make me happy?

PLUS...I don't just toss out questions as they pop into my head. If I did that, I'd be talking about the A way too frequently for my taste! I let Richard know I have more questions, then we schedule a time to sit outside with a glass of wine and talk about it all. It's so very civilized! Much better than the rapid fire obsessive inquisition I put him through during the first year post DDay.

Can't imagine the questions ever stop, but we can train ourselves to control the questions instead of the other way around!

Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Jamie Lemmi said...

Shawn, I've read almost all your posts now, thanks for the link on my blog. Your pain, like you said...so similar to mine. A club that no one wants to be a member of.

Phone bill...that's how I found out too. Horrific, regardless of how you find out. But I too trusted my WH just like you did. With every fiber of my being. Because isn't that what we are supposed to do?

Anonymous said...

Same here Jamie.....never in a million years did I think he could or would ever do what he did....ugh

~~ S

shawn, the wife said...

I may have written about this before. I certainly have thought of it often. Would Richard have cheated if I had been more overtly jealous? If I had been a real suspicious pain in his ass? I may have to ask him that. I'll let you all know what he says.

AND...So happy you joined us, Jamie. Safety in numbers, Babe!
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn...... I wonder the same and then I realize it is almost like taking the blame again ( just in a different way, but it has to do with what i do or don't do / did do or did not do)...... then I realize it was not about me....wether i was jealous/ or not, had tons of hot sex/ or not.....cleaned the house /or not....it is / was about their broken selves and there is not to much I could have done about it.

~~ S

Jamie Lemmi said...

I don't know Shawn. That's an interesting question. I've never been an overly jealous type either. At all.

My WH had an EA about 6 months after the birth of our last child and in the beginning phase of my health hell. I found out about it because of stuff he said that SCREAMED red flags to me. The OW did NOT reciprocate at all. So it was a one sided EA. And I didn't really "get" it at the time.

However, it did make me more aware, so I ended up busting this PA last summer farily early on (within a month of it becoming a PA).

But, even after the EA (again, at the time I didn't realize what it was. I mean I knew he had "feelings" for her that were inappropriate, but I didn't call it an EA, didn't realize it for what it was, etc.) I still didn't have jealousy issues. I still chose to trust him.

shawn, the wife said...

~~S: You nailed it. Doesn't matter what we would've, could've, should've done.
The Betrayers were gonna do what they did because they WANTED it. It was all about them and we didn't even rate the smallest amount of consideration.

Before reading your comment, I asked Richard if I was more of the jealous type, would that have kept him from cheating. He didn't think about his answer long. "No way. Might have made me want to cheat more."

Of course, that made me think, "He's saying that so I won't turn into a raging, super suspicious wife! That way he may have another chance to cheat!"

Will it ever end?? I need the hope and hugs today, but I'm still sending some to all of you!
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Being jealouse would not have helped. I warned, pleaded, told him nicely, told him in pain, told him in anger, to stay away from her, that she was building a net for him, that she wanted him. And guess what, after 2.5 years, also catching my kids in that net, she got him

shawn thewife said...

(((Anonymous))))
I am so sorry! I can feel your pain through the screen. Let us support you through this horribly difficult time. Please visit The Healing Heart Message boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog, under...Find support here. There are so many wonderful, compassionate people there that have been exactly where you are now.
Please reach out to them. You do not have to suffer through this alone.
Take good care. It will get better. I promise.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

He worked with her for 8 years, it had been 3 years since he left the company (she resigned a week after he did, go figure), but I still had the memory of the party I threw for them both leaving for all the co-workers, and I also still had the "Memories" letter he typed to her along with the gift of an engraved clock, the letter was thankful of all the shared accomplishments they reached, the awesome people they hired, the other branches they opened, the birthday's they celebrated, the coined phrases they created, the mark they left on the company...the birthday cakes and laughs and on and on and on until I could throw up. I had seen it, read it, was bothered underneath by it before I had this knowledge, now it was pure torture. My fix, was my journals I had written during those years, how much pain I suffered, how hurtful he was and how it was all my fault. I re-read them and dissected them and cross-referenced them with calendar's, etc... it was my mission, and it was like swallowing poison over and over, and yet, I felt I had to do it.
Formerly, Brokenonce