After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Manipulating Jaymie

This was round one of manipulating Jaymie.  As the following year rolled on, I turned this endeavour into an Olympic Sport.  For newbies to infidelity mayhem, please don't try this at home.

I was compelled to know all I could about the emails.  More than that, I was obligated.  Obligated from the deepest part of my soul. Time to analyze all I had learned from my wayward husband the previous night.  I sure wasn't gonna get info from the stripper in Vegas.  I did know how to find our mutual "friend" on Facebook, but that was old news.  The woman from work, she was long gone.  Didn't even give a rat's ass about her.  Jaymie was fresh meat.  She could feed my deep rooted compulsion for information.  It was imperative that I know what hole in my husband necessitated his need to cheat.

What to do?  What to do?  I figured Jaymie was probably not too bright.  I mean, she fell in love with a married man she could have called Grandpa in another life.  I was confident in my ability to manipulate her into getting what I ached for....the emails.  Googled her.  It's amazing what info you can get on the web for $1.95.

Found her home phone and address.  The home phone was a calculated safe bet because I didn't think calling her cell would work out for me.  Why would she answer a call from me?  She'd answer straight away if she thought her parents might pick up instead.  Oh, yea....great call, literally and figuratively.

Her dad answered and before I could ask for her she picked up and said, "I got it, Dad."  Perfect.  Time for a chat with a purpose.  The plan was to get her to trust me.  Not too tough.  She trusted Richard and he obviously had a forked tongue.  He's a lawyer, for goodness sake.
The call went something like this:

"Hi, Jaymie.  It's Shawn.  I want you to know, I don't blame you.  Last night Richard admitted to me that he did love love you.  You were right.  He only told me the truth because I found the emails you exchanged on his computer.  Before I could read them thoroughly, he deleted them.  I was hoping you still had them."

She was hesitant at first, but after I spread a little more bullshit around, she warmed up.  Told her we could really take Richard by the balls.  He screwed us both. (again, literally and figuratively) It was time to join forces and compare notes.  She actually laughed.

I don't think it took more than 10 minutes for Jaymie to be lapping up every distorted word I spewed.  It was as easy as first grade math for a physicist.
Best're gonna love this.  Timing truly is everything.  As Jaymie was close to becoming my BFF, Richard called on my cell.  I worked him right into the master plan.  Told Jaymie to hold on and listen up.

"Hi, Honey.  Guess who I'm talking to on the other line??  JAYMIE!  Say hi Jaymie!  Put both phones on speaker.  This was getting so damn good!  Jaymie was still laughing and I'm pretty sure Richard needed a change of undies.  "Jaymie is going to help me get the emails you deleted.  We think it's time to face the truth about what you did to both of us.  Get it all out in the open."

He didn't say much.  Confrontation is not his thing, so he probably made a joke.  Who cares what he said??  I was getting what I wanted!  The emails would be sent to me within the day.

I'd like to thank the Academy for this award.
Come on!!  I totally deserved an Oscar for this!


Pippi said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, that is too much. You are my new hero. I love that you took back your power and owned it.

Took. It. Back.

She is such a . . . girl.

shawn, the wife said...

Good Morning, Pippi: At that time, I, too, thought I was all that and a bag of chips...not so much.
What I did wouldn't serve me well. As far as instant gratification, it was a beautiful thing, but in the long run, I think the emails did me way more harm than good. Their words of passion have been branded in my brain forever and who needs that??
Maybe I'll share a couple of the emails. You'll see what I mean.
Hope & Hugs,

Pippi said...

Oh, I get that for sure. I have only a couple of things the OW wrote about my husband and nothing about love but they are seared into my brain FOREVER and are VERY painful to read.

But, what I totally admire about you is that at the time -- and any BS would understand this -- nothing could stop you from getting what you wanted and needed. I can so relate to that overwhelming need for information when so much took place behind your back.

Someone could have tried to warn you at the time but would that have stopped you? I doubt it. Would not have stooped me. For fighter's like us, we take no prisoners, stop at almost nothing. And, that's what I admire. Your spirit. That dogged determination to protect yourself. To get what you thought you wanted/needed.

Hindsight is always 20/20. All we have to do is ask our husbands and the OW about that one!

De said...

GASP! I want more! LOL! When you ended where you did I found myself talking to my computer screen (the way I do when my favorite tv episode ends and I have to wait for next week's episode to get the rest of the story), saying PLEASE don't end it here! I love how you took control and I've contemplated similar things with the OW in my life (man, that sucks to say), but ultimately chicken out because I don't want to invite her back in. Also, I've stalked her Facebook page and I think she's probably a very vindictive person and I'm scared to death of what she may choose to share with me about my husband. Her one and only e-mail to me will haunt me for the rest of my life probably "Your husband is madly in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but because he loves his son, he won't be doing that." If that still causes me to feel kicked in the gut, I can't imagine what she'd be willing to pull of her arsenal. She wrote that in response to my e-mail to her right after discovery telling her that her role in the destruction of my marriage would be ending immediately and she would not be contacting my husband until he and figured things out and once/if he became available. Obviously, she didn't give a crap about my orders to stay away. I have a need to know a lot of details, but I think his words/e-mails of love and vice versa, I'll be better off without. My biggest questions to him these days are "what were you thinking when we were doing such-n-such (not eve referring to sex here), knowing you were telling another woman you loved her? OH! And how do you get those visions out of your head? Sometimes when he's being wonderful to me, my mind betrays me and won't let me just enjoy it and all of sudden I'm picturing him saying that to this little twit, or doing that to her and the moment is just shot for me. Sometimes I think it would have just been easier to walk away - but that choice also sucked. Sorry, I'm running on here ladies. I'll give it a rest - for now. Thanks for being there.

shawn, the wife said...

Haven't met a BS yet that didn't have multitude of questions about the A. Haven't met a BS yet that doesn't have an abundance of triggers that lead to the endless movie streaming through their brain about the A. Comes with the territory. It sucks hard.
18 months after DDay and I still face triggers and the images in my head daily...sometimes hourly.
I'm getting better at pushing them out. When OW (aka: BW~bitch whore) worms her way into my skull I try to talk myself away from her. "She is not worth any more of my time! She will NOT control me!" Sometimes it works. It's kind of a crap shoot.
If I can save anyone from wasting energy on the BW...I feel like Super Woman! Maybe this blog will let others learn from my blunders and snafus.
Believe me, if I had to do it again (GOD FORBID!) I'd know the BW isn't worth one ounce of my energy. She could have been anybody that my WH saw as a potential Richard worshipper. GAG!
Time is the real medicine. You just gotta give yourself time.
Hope & Hugs,

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn,
Wow, what a great blog! It reminded me when I sent the OW a dozen black roses to her office in front of her co-workers, telling her what I thought of her and felt she deserved these. I am so proud of what you pulled off, that took guts on your part. I had to do that right after the A, 8 months after to be exact. My WH wouldn't tell me anything, so I got her #, he knew I was going to meet her and we did in my car. I wanted to throw up, sitting that close to her and wanted to slap the sh==t out of her, but like you, I had to play it cool to try and get information. I still think she was having an A with my H at the same time and they were keeping their stories straight. Anyway, did you ever get the e-mails that he wrote her? I thought that I had read one a while back, but not sure if those are the ones that you received? One of my questions, is what site did you use for $1.95 to get the phone # and address of the OW? I have been wanting to get in touch with the OW ex-husband, who sent me the love letters and told me that the A was still going on years ago. I want to ask him did he have any proof that it was, as my H after I found out, didn't act remorseful, wouldn't tell me anything, etc. Maybe the OW ex can give me proof that will let me know that? I've been looking at those sites, that you used for months, but I have heard horror stories about them, taking your charge card and then continuing to charge you month after month. You try and cancel it and you can't reach them on the phone, so that's why I haven't done it. Not sure if I'll find him, but do have his full name, birthday, etc. I'm just hoping that if I do find him, he will be kind and talk to me. He could answer so much for me and put so many things to rest, even the sex part, possibly. He was a nice guy that got screwed by his wife, ex now and choose to send me the love letters, instead of punching my H out at work, which would have cost him his job. He told me he was sorry that he sent me the letters and wished he had punched my H. In a way, so do I, but then it would have really hurt us financially. I hope after your decision that this new beginning will help you. I am stuck right now, no information or solutions and miserable. I just want to sleep and not even see him, so don't know where it's going to end. Please let me know about the site, if you remember it, as it would sure help me out.

Anonymous said...

Shawn, if you don't remember the name of the site that you were able to get the information, don't worry about it. I e-mailed you but haven't got a response from either, so maybe it's not convenient for you now.

shawn, the wife said...

Good Morning, Songbird:

Oh, I remember the site! I still have the print out of the contact info. It's called PEOPLE SEARCH NOW. How creative, right?

So, now you're armed and dangerous. I've given you another outlet for your pain. I don't want to tell anyone here what to do, but I'm gonna STRONGLY suggest to you, that contacting the OW's ex is a full-blown shitty idea!!

That poor man has moved on! He has a whole new life, hopefully he's happy. Why subject him to your agony? I know misery loves a companion or two, but why would you wish your pain on anyone else?

The only person that can heal you is you! Your H can't do it. OWs ex can't do it. We can't do it. YOU have to want to be happy! Questions from all those years ago may haunt you, but tell me this....if you got the answers, what would it change? Would you leave your WH? What answers would make you happy?
Life is so precious and we are granted so little time. I am loathe to waste anymore time on regret and anger. I choose to focus on the future. My journey is heading back to happy.
Won't you try to join me??
Hope & super hard hugs,

Anonymous said...


Great advice to Songbird!
Time to really work on ourselves......that is where a lot of the healing is going to happen.
As with so many things in life (illness, death, crap) that we cannot control and we say "why me?? Why me??'....well, why not me? Who am I that I can dodge some of life's then I ask myself "ok, now what are you going to do about it?"
Time to dig deep and search things out...and just one of those may be , do I stay or do i go?
Only i (you) can answer that question.
Finding out all the info, well that is also something that only you can decide but try to think really hard on that one.
~~ S

Susan Rubinsky said...


You are my new hero. You rock. You're epic, man (as my teenage son would say).

I love how you go about kicking some ass.

shawn, the wife said...

Susan: So NOT epic! Felt good for a minute, then I got what I deserved...the emails! I have always been a totally tenacious bitch on wheels. I'm all about getting what I want when I want it, a bit of a spoiled brat actually, especially when someone pissed me off.

At the time, I wanted to know everything, so I did what ever I could to make that happen. Later, I wanted to punish Jaymie and Richard, so more crazy behavior ensued. I was just a hamster on a wheel! Spinning and spinning and going no where fast!

I understand to some betrayed spouses my aggressive approach seems heroic, but it was only temper tantrums taken to a new level.
Hope & Hugs,

Dotti200 said...

Shawn I read all of your posts and can relate full heartedly. I knew my husband commenced an affair with his employee 20 years younger than him the day after the affair began. He yelled over and over again everything I found evidence and told me it was my lack of self confidence and that he had done nothing wrong and I was imagining it. He did this to me for a year and played me like a fool. Stupid me wanted to expose him to the world and his work but stupid me was to worried about hurting him and causing myself further pain. So I kept quite. He gave me an STD and I ended up in hospital but he still refuses to admit sleeping with her. Says it was only an emotional affair. Even went to the point of asking me whether I caught the STD from someone else I had possibly slept with in the last 20 years. We have been together for 20 years so he was accusing me of sleeping around. Funniest thing is everyone that knows me knows how moral I am. Anyway yes the more information I found the more it etched into my brain. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the words and actions of them together. Email me I really would like to talk with you more.

shawn thewife said...

Dottie: I'm so sorry your WH is not helping you heal. If he doesn't own what he did, your struggle to recover and reconcile will be very rough, maybe insurmountable.
I hope you are considering IC and if your WH is willing, MC. I could not have survived the first year after DDAy without both.
I'll be happy to talk with you. Here's my email:
No one should have to deal with this much pain alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn