After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Vulnerable in the Spring

Happy Easter.  Please pardon me as I take a story time-out.

This day and spring itself got me thinking about fresh starts and new beginnings.  I want so badly to fully commit to a fresh start with the man that nearly destroyed the person I was pre-DDay.
Can you say TREPIDATION?  How about APPREHENSION?

I used to think (do you say that a lot...used to? I do!) vulnerable was a word only applied to weak women.  My thinking was those wimpy jelly-fish ladies needed to put on their big girl panties and toughen up!

Spring forward:  I now know vulnerable.  I've put some serious hours in thinking about leaving myself open to the intense shock and awe of another DDay.  I need to morph into a woman that fits as comfortably as possible into the same shoes as the jelly fish ladies.  (Not to worry, I NEVER took off my big girl panties.)
If I put it all on the line again, I will be allowing my sensitive heart to play the sitting duck.

The other side of the coin is, same shit, different day.  Let me clarify:  The only thing different from yesterday or a month ago is now I'm going to face the fact that I'm vulnerable.  Throw in the towel.  Learn to deal with it!  That's my life!  I wanna be happy in it so I gotta own it!

It's been less than 18 months since DDay.  Some might say that is not nearly enough time to trust your wayward spouse again.  I get that.  But, I'm pretty sure I'll never trust him completely, or anyone else for that matter, for the rest of my life.  I'm proposing a fresh start with a couple of caveats, not to impede my progress, but to give me the confidence to continue.

1.  Keep your radar in motion.
We all know what that means.  No need to dwell on the past affair (a tall order, I know!), but be damn mindful of future red flags.  Trust your gut.  As soldiers in the war of adultery, we have earned those acute instincts.
2.  Communicate constantly.
I will not miss a chance to let Richard know exactly what I need, what I want and what I expect.  We can't expect our wayward spouse to read our minds, even though we wish beyond dreams that we could read theirs.

These two little rules to live by seem simple, but will require I remain vigilant.  I want to be in this marriage...really BE IN IT!  Do I want my old life back?  Nope.  Our life is better in so many ways.  We talk about our feelings.  We are attentive to each others needs. And, of course, there's the sex....hysterical bonding sure can open up the flood gates to passion.

I'm gonna do it.  I'm gonna have my fresh as springtime flowers new beginning!  To toast the propitious occasion, I'm gonna go bite the ears off a chocolate bunny, really hard, pretend it's Jaymie!!
I know...not really the attitude I need for my Spring Forward plan, so I'll start tomorrow.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

DDay was 08 for me.....so this has been part of me for longer than i wish.
I think that part of that new beginning has to do with being kinder to ourselves...allow us to grieve, but to not stay stuck there.
Have you read "My Husband's Affair Is The Best Thing that Ever Happened To Me" ?

Here is to new beginnings

~~ S

kris said...

it was so good to catch up! Love your writing and have missed it! This post is especially great since my Dday was yesterday
(4/8/2011). Though it was a SUnday this year, not a school day, so different, but so similar. I just went at the day as if it was a new beginning. I did let him know what the day was, because he asked me as we were driving home from church what was wrong...that surprised me, so I mentioned that one year ago today my world fell apart. He just squeezed my hand, but didn't have a word to say...
Just wanted to tell you I love your writing and hope things are better for both of us in the long run!
kris

Anonymous said...

Shawn, I hear you about "opening up" to be hurt again, it's so hard to let your self go after being betrayed. I was finally able to, but it took me 5 yrs., now 23 yrs. later, I'm closed down again, because he continued to hurt me and not respect my feelings off and on for a long time. Enough of that negative stuff, but that's what has been in my mind for a while now. I am happy that you are going to push forward, not having a life, stinks. Trust me, I know, but I can't seem to know what to do?

I'm happy that you are able to move forward this Easter.

Songbird

shawn, the wife said...

~~S: Hello! Thanks for checking in!
Haven't read that book yet. It's a book, right, not a blog? I just don't think I'll ever see Richard's affair as a good thing. There are too many other ways to deal with marital issues than being a liar and a morally corrupt human being.
The saving grace is we don't have to let the affair break us. We can rise from the devestation. We can be stronger and smarter and our marriages can be happier.
I wouldn't have believed it possible a year ago, but I can see the light now.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

(((Kris)))
I've thought about you so many times! You seem to be doing so much better than I was a year from DDay. It's still a roller coaster, right? Some great days and some truly crappy ones, too.
I try to focus on the good ones as much as possible.
Don't be a stranger! Please check in when you can.
I'm really hopeful that both of us are on the right raod back to happy!
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

That book can be found on amazon...the author is Anne Bercht and she explains on BAN (Beyond Affairs Network , goole it) why & how she come up with that name..... read it if you get a chance. it helped me tremendously.
it was not the best thing that happened to her but she chose to rise above it and do things she never would have if she had not gone through it....life is about choices. We cannot always choose what happens to us but we can choose how we deal with it.
She (and her husband) now counsel thousands (all around the world) regarding affairs. i went to one of their seminars and it was powerful and life changing for me
They also have a claiming your life back seminar that I would love to attend

~~ S

BraveLady said...

Hi Shawn, I just found your blog yesterday and am working my way through it. This post really struck a chord with me because I know exactly how you feel. My H had an affair six years ago and left me for her. He only stayed with her a short while before he realized his horrible errors. We started dating again, started over, and after 3 months of that, he cme home. That year was fabulous!! Sex was awesome, loving words were always said. Unfortunately, communication somehow dropped off, and last year was a horrible year. And unfortunately, I just had another D day. I am broken, but smarter than I was the first time. I wish I had kept investing in our marriage and we both had kept talking. We would not be in this spot if we had.

shawn thewife said...

Bravelady: Welcome. Can't imagine having a 2nd Dday. Holy crap. I am so sorry. Isn't it just pathetic that these cheating bastards can't come to us when they think about stepping away from the marriage?? If you ain't happy....it's called divorce! They are just too afraid to be alone. Such chicken shit!
Are you thinking you're gonna try reconciliation again? If so, you really are brave and strong and extraordinarily tough. Good luck.
Please check in again. We all do better when we walk the Road to Happy with our friends.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn