After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

High Fury, Low IQ

Long night.  My head hurt a lot, but not nearly as much as my heart.  My head was also spinning.  Words from the emails I found on Richard's computer were flying around in there.  Little bits I had gleened during my brief viewing and some entire paragraphs from the offending emails zoomed into my conscience thought and then right out again, only to be replaced by another sentence professing Richard's love for a skinny ass 24 year old girl that was going to be sucking up a lot of my energy in the next year.

Needed caffeine badly, not that my nerves weren't already firing on all cylinders with out synthetic assistance.  As soon as the kids left for school, I carried my tea toward the computer.  If you thought I'd never want to read those marriage crushing, life altering emails again, you'd be way wrong.  I wanted to analyze every word, every syllable, every letter!  The only way I'd be able to comprehend how my husband could jeopardize and disrespect our family in this inconceivable way was to learn all I could about the affair.  I mean really...it's like driving by a train wreck.  You know you're gonna look!

Richard had other ideas.  He had become quite the tech savvy guy during the night.
I realized the emails were gone.  Uh, oh.  The mood swings from hell are about to be unleashed!  From beyond depressed to furious and wrathful before he could even begin to explain why he had deleted them all.  More lame excuses!!!
"I couldn't stand to hurt you anymore."
"I thought you were done with them."
"There was nothing worth saving.  It all meant nothing!"

How stupid did he think I was?  OK....he had managed to hide the bimbo from me for months, spend hours with her, talk and text constantly with her and spend more than one entire night with her...Lord, help me.  Why wouldn't he think I was ignorant?

Ask anyone that knows me.  They'll tell you, I'm very bright.  I'll take a challenge over a cake-walk any day.  I AM A SMART WOMAN, Dammit!  Just maybe not right at that minute or for another year.
In the matter of marital desecration, my IQ was lowered substantially.  Didn't matter what kind of person I was before DDay, after DDay....Toss it all out!  Maybe I shouldn't judge others by myself.  Maybe you'll be much more clear headed and functional when you discover your spouse has chosen another, but I doubt it...no offense.   I've absorbed a mountain of first hand knowledge since then.  So many injured spouses that, sadly, have joined the roster of the betrayed, also come to realize, the roller coaster from hell is alien territory, a remote, barbaric island of perpetual confusion.  You might have been a Nobel prize winning genius before, but after DDay you're gonna need reeducating.  You'll need guidance. You might WANT to conquer this beast alone, but I wouldn't advise it.

The emails were more than precious to me that day.  I craved them!  I thought I would go insane if I was not able to pick them apart and savor the secrets they contained.  I was like a junkie without hope of a fix.  Simply put, I freakin' lost it.
A blessing, we live on 9 acres.  There was no one close to hear me rail like a banshee at the man who robbed me of the crack I coveted from his in-box.  So much screaming!  Can't believe I didn't give myself an aneurysm.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

A quick comment Shawn, then I'm going to bed. If you check my post, you'll see that I haven't gotten much sleep lately. Anyway, in regard to always seeing those e-mails and not having them delete them on you. You can either copy and print them and hide them to keep actually as proof also. You can also copy, paste and find your own private hiding space in another file on the computer. Just be sure you delete history, if possible so that he doesn't know you've been on there. If he says he's trashed them, go to his trash and retrieve them, maybe trash hasn't been emptied yet. Just thoughts, as I'm pretty good at computers myself. I hope this helps, you still might find them. In regards to screaming, that was good for you. I did the same thing numerous times. If my doors had been opened someone would have thought somebody was being murdered. It's better to let it out, than hold it in. On that note, sorry, I've got to go to sleep, I just can't focus anymore.
Granny7

April 3

Anonymous said...

I came across this blog doing research for infidelity for a writing project. I know you decided to leave this blog anonymous, but before it wasn't. I can understand protecting your husband for his profession, but why not put Jaymi's full name-maybe not pictures. From what I've studied on human behavoir people won't change/be responsible until they have to face it. I'm not saying she is a horrible person, but she did make an unwise decision to bed a married man and there are consequences. If her actions are known she is forced to accept that and deal with it. That is how people grow. And she obviously has some personal issues. I don't know, I am not that much older than her and no offense but at my current age having sex with a 60-something year old,much less married with kids, creeps me out-no matter how rich, well-educated or suave he is. Movie stars don't even age that good:) I guess we have yet to see if financial gain plays a part in it. Hopefully this experience has changed her for the better. I haven't dealt with infidelity directly and don't know if it would be condusive to your healing, but I would put her full name/last name back, just even once. It might seem much, but it forces people to look at themselves, which is what this is about self-reflection, growth and understanding our actions.
I hope you will find a place of peace. I also think you do write well. A famous author said "to write what you know." It is true that when people write from the heart you can tell. You should look into submmiting something to a publication. It would help a lot of people and be theraputic as well-and you'd be a published author. I just read an infidelity article from Oprah's mgazine. Best wishes for you and your children.

shawn, the wife said...

Mmmmmmm...Public humiliation for Jaymie...I don't hate the idea. Who would I be outting her to? I already told her parents and new boyfriend what a skank she is, but their spin may be the more accurate one. They hold Richard responsible. He is obviously the older, more powerful participant. They think, with good reason, that he took advantage of Jaymie and reeled her in like a prize fish. She is very young and exceedingly dumb in ways of the heart. Richard knew exactly what he wanted and how to attain her.
I could not agree more with you when you say she should face what she did. Maybe she has, I'll never know. She found the blog once. She could find it again if she had any interest in the part she played in all the pain. Something tells me she's moved on. But, keep reading. You'll see I didn't exactly let that skanky fish off the hook.
Thanks for posting & reading!
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Did you see my post, Shawn? Did I help you at all in finding and keeping e-mails? I hope you are doing better right now. I'm still in limbo over what happened with what my H did last night. I just wanted to check with you. I'm heading to bed, by myself as I need to get up early in the morning for results of H's important blood work .

Granny7

shawn, the wife said...

Hey, Granny! Saw your post, but there are no more emails to find, not that I don't look from time to time! If I had thought it through that night, I would have sent the offending emails to my computer. My brain was soaked in wine & cushioned with drugs, so I didn't consider what the next day would bring. That's a big part of what I hope this blog can do. Show other betrayed spouses where I went wrong. Maybe save them a little time and alotta grief.
So...Betrayed Spouses Training Camp Lesson #1: When sifting through the shoulder deep pile of lies and gut twisting revelations, hit the SAVE button! Take some notes! Start a file! You're gonna thank me later. Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Pippi said...

Shawn, the wife --

I think some people think you are writing this real time. They don't realize you are writing a year later. Just a suggestion but perhaps you should put a disclaimer at the beginning of each post (that took place a year ago) explaining that it is such.

Also, have you thought of trademarking/copyrighting "Shawn, the wife?" I just love it and thought it might come in handy if you ever turn this blog into a book or something.

Just a few ideas ruminating around in my head -- much easier to think about other people's lives than my own at the moment.

Cheers!

Pippi

shawn, the wife said...

Cheers back, Pippi!
I did put a little blurb on the home page to the right at the top. It states that I started the blog in 12/11. I'm so lame at this blogging thing! It doesn't tell everyone that DDay was a year earlier, so I may need to add that. And no, haven't considered a copyright of any kind. The fact that people are reading this amazes and thrills me daily. Just gonna keep writing. It is so theraputic!
Wouldn't it be great if it helped someone else? Damn. Who would thought?? Not me. Not once.

Most important...sending you a big hug. Don't know where you are in the healing process, but I hope you know, you can question, vent, cry or bitch away here anytime!!
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

De said...

Hellow there Shawn! Your blog is incredible and I have ignored everything I was planning to accomplish today because I can't tear myself away from your articulation of every thought and experience of the past 9 months of my life. My D-Day was 7/9/11 and my husband and I are also working it out. Although, sometimes I think it would be so much easier to not - but I still love this bastard so deeply. The affair lasted about 4 months and he also believed he was in love with her (she is about 18 years younger than him - and me). He was in a bad place - deeply depressed accordig to our counselor prior to the affair and this girl came along and filled whatever void he felt needed filling. One of the many aspects of this that I am having trouble grasping, and this is the one that is really ticking me off today, is that he also told me that he never stopped loving me but, he was contemplating a life with her and telling her he loved her. Another gut wrencher was his treatment of me during the affair and during the next several months following discovery. His apathy toward me was almost as painful as the affair itself. Our counselor says it was his guilt and his depression became worse as he was trying to deal with what he had done. He's being wonderful now and we're still going to the counselor once a month. He constantly reassures me (without my even asking) how much he loves me and how sorry he is for what he did, but I JUST CAN'T get the words and actions of last spring/summer out of my head. He never stopped loving me? But, he's having conversations with her about a future with her? Really? UGH! Anyway, love your blog and will be a frequent visitor and I am grateful.

shawn, the wife said...

Welcome, De! So wish you never felt the desire to read a blog about delusional, cheating husbands...But whatta ya gonna do? They dumped this load of garbage on us, so we gotta deal with it and its better to have friends that know how freakin heavy the shovel is, help you dig out of the trench.
Please be kind to yourself. You are so fresh into the pile of trash. The main thing is, it sounds like your WH might actually FINALLY get it.
The FOG is easily attracted to men and women with self esteem issues. It can swallow them whole. When your WH spoke to the OW of love, like mine did...it was nothing but a bunch of fantastical lies! The Fog makes it feel real, but it ain't. BUT..the FOG doesn't excuse his cheating-ass behavior. He has to work that ass really hard to redeem himself.
Sorry you're here, but glad you're here. You get that, right?
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

De: One more thing....the movie that's playing constantly in your head should stop showing reruns with time.
Soon, I'll be blogging about my obsession with the OW. The emails she shared with my WH consumed me. Rode that part of the coaster into a restraining order for myself.
It takes time to redirect the brain after the A turns your mind to mush. Patience. As long as your WH is back from La La land, it'll get better.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

DE said...

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm sure i will read and re-read them often because I feel like I'm really stuck on the fog/reality thing. Your response makes sense to me and when I read it, it's reassuring - for about a half-hour. LOL! Then my head goes back to "he really did and said these things and it makes no sense to me!" "Okay, De. Go revisit Shawn!" You give me hope. Yours and Richard's story is very similar to mine and my WH. He's doing is best to help me through this, but can only endure questions and conversations about it in small doses. I can give him that consideration. This year, in fact this month, is starting the marking off of - a year ago this time he was doing... etc. As far as I can tell their A started right around the end of March last year. At least that's what the phone records indicate. He says he really can't poinpoint a starting date. Our counselor says that's probably true. He probably found himself in it without even realizing that he was headed there. I know he spent the night with her last Easter because I was out of town with our son. Coincidentally, that was also my son's birthday. Any suggestions for getting past that milestone this year? How do I reach a point in my life where I don't associate our son's birthday with the night he lied to me about his whereabouts and went and spent a romantic evening being worshiped by this blond, 27 year old, yoga enthusiast. The next day - Easter Sunday - she posted hearts as her status on FB. How do you get past that kinda thing? I don't want to give him hell over it again and heap the guilt because that's all it would accomplish, but it's gonna be a bear. SOrry if it seems as though I'm stalking your blog. I think this may be the 5th or 6th comment I've made today. You are far healthier for me to "stalk" here, than stalking her Facebook page.

shawn, the wife said...

If hanging out here with me keeps you away from the BW's FB page, then book mark this page, Sweetie!

I did not do well near the year "anniversary". Not well at all. I've learned a couple of tricks since then. If you feel sad, angry, whatever...tell your WH. Just give him a head's up. He can't help you if he doesn't know you need help, right? The second trick is to allow yourself 10 or 20 minutes a day to think about the A. Think HARD! By the end of the 10 minutes, you can't wait to stop thinking about it. My IC gave me that idea. I thought it was all kinds of stupid, but it worked.
As far as your son's B-day....I got nothin'. That is gonna suck, but...It will suck a little less every year. You'll think of the A less every year.
With the support of our WHs, time is our friend.
Hope & Hugs.
Shawn

De said...

Thanks Shawn. You give me hope and I appreciate that so much. I guess the only way to the other side IS through it, so thank you for being there (and to the rest of the wonderful posters on here) to make this journey a little less lonely and a little less painful. ALSO - and this the real kicker - thank you for writing in a way that every now and then makes me laugh from my gut! That feels AMAZING after the past year! Have a good holiday. Hugs back at ya.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn:
A Dear friend (ugh we are both part of the 'crappy' club) showed me your blog.
You put to words exactly what we are feeling. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share.
June 13, 2008 (yes Friday the 13th) was D-Day for me.....the affair and fog lasted waaaaay to long. we are together and working on it...it is just so hard

shawn, the wife said...

Glad you found us.
We gotta call US something else. Crappy Club is too damn negative. How about Survival Sisters or Bitchin' Betrayed Spouses?? LOL! Whatever!

The fact is we found each other and now we can help each other heal. That's the deal here. Vent, Rant, Cry or Purge, it's all about getting better, being happy and letting go of the A!

It's a long, damn, bumpy road. We might as well walk it together.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

Survive & THRIVE Club!
What happened stinks but it does not define who I am...part of my story but I am bigger than that chapter.
I have found out a lot about myself that I would not have learned otherwise....although I do wish I did not have to go to that particular 'classroom' to learn it!!! LOL!!!! It happened, now I choose how I want to live it

shawn, the wife said...

Survive & Thrive...I like it! I also like what you said about the A not defining who you are. I agree with that. We make the choices that define us. We choose to stay with WH, that is on us. We throw the bastard out, we own that, too.
The A has taught me many things about myself and I'm still attending class! When in the hell is graduation??
Happy Easter, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn

Your last comment about graduation got a huge laugh out of me....... not sure when it is (graduation)
By the way I have been signing under anonymous because I have to sign up under a gmail account. I tried but have no idea what the heck I did!
I had also started a blog (Letters to a Mistress) but did not stay on it. I was worried about staying just that , anonymous. I was also not sure what I was even doing. I may start it again.
Can I email you? For now I will just stay as "s"

Thanks for the laugh

~~ S

Winona said...

Yep. The day I discovered the months long message thread, I texted my husband and asked him about his trip to reunite with friends in a nother city. I asked him if those plans included her. He lied. When he got home, I asked him again to his face. He flat out lied to me. Nope, he did not meet with her. I then told him I'd read that message thread that day and spent most of the day calming down, and in that thread SHE HERSELF SAID SHE WAS PISSED OFF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER during that meet up, and that she was highly disappointed NOT to be included in the gathering (as IF, his friends know who he's married to). I suppose I am grateful for that, but YOU LIED TO ME. He tried to get mad that I found his FB account open and I told him he had absolutely ZERO room to be angry. I was not the one caught cheating and lying. He sagged after that and I discovered later, after I cleaned up from the dinner I cooked for us and couldn't eat for myself and got our son off to bed, he deleted the whole thread. I was furious. He too said, none of it meant anything - she OBVIOUSLY meant something to you because you've kept flirting with her and sexting her. The first 3 weeks after DDay, he was still messaging her in FB, but proudly told me they weren't calling and texting any more. As if I'm an idiot and can't think they were just using another messaging source. Puh lease. How stupid they think we are is mind boggling.

I couldn't eat for 3 days afterward. He wasn't dumb enough to use his email. But he still tried to defend keeping in contact with her. I told him he was disgusting - texting and sexting her and then coming to our bed, then trying to emotionally manipulate me (read GASLIGHTING ME) into tthinking I was over reacting.

I made a fake FB account and stalked her page for a long while. It made me seriously question what he ever saw in me, why he chose me, and did he actually feel trapped because I became pregnant before we were officially married. Was he living out what his father did, married his mom so he wouldn't be a 'bastard', but unlike his father he stayed. For so many years, that is exactly how I felt, and I brought it up with him. He always denied it but his actions, or lack of actions in our relationship make me think otherwise: that he only stayed because of our son and he couldn't abandon him like his father had done. I don't which end is up becuase though he is kind and caring, he is not a damn thing about healing.

Your story is helping give me strength, to not feel so alone, or be blamed because I didn't follow XYZ plan for recovery and so it's my fault we're still struggling. WEll, I'm struggling, he just looks up music to listen to and avoids anything messy and involving emotions. Every so often he tries some emotional manipulation shit, and I refuse to play that game.