After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Today's Debate

Whew!  I'm exhausted!  I've spent the lion's share of my day today in a lively debate with another blogger.  This other blogger also happens to be the Other Woman.  Not my Other Woman, just some other random blogging Other Woman.  Confused?  Give me a minute and I'll fill you in.

I received a happy little surprise comment today from  Being a Beautiful Mess.  She listed my little ol' blog as one of her choices for something called the Versatile Blogger Award.  Very unexpected and extremely appreciated.  I needed to catch up with her blog, so I clicked over and read her latest post.  Then, I perused her list of other Versatile Blog Award nominees.
This one caught my eye.   Being Her, (the other woman)… | Judged by all, loved by two.

I had seen the blog previously, but had not read much.  The earlier part was very tough to take.  This blogger was still very much in love with a very married betrayer.  She herself was married, but it didn't prevent her from falling for a man that already belonged to another.  That was only a few short months ago.  Currently, I believe, she and her betrayed spouse are well on the way to reconciliation.  Bravo!

I don't need to tell you her story, after all it is HER story to share.  Until today I had not commented on her blog as it felt as though she was writing only for herself, kind of a semi-private diary.  I get that, because that is how my blog began.

My attitude toward the blog changed today when I read a post, dated June 5, about the blog owner and her two most veracious and supportive readers, one a former wayward husband and one (surprise!) a betrayed wife.  This post made me think she might welcome comment from others in the midst of recovery.

Yea...not so much.

I was compelled to reply to a comment from the aforementioned wayward husband.  He wrote this singing the praises of the other favored reader, the betrayed wife, Wendy:

Not everyone sees Wendy as “the victim” — some see her as a “betrayed sell-out” because (*GASP*) she decided to forgive her husband and work to build a better relationship. To them, she’s a fool, a wimp, or something. Her character, integrity and decisions are very threatening to the crowd who use their victimhood as both power and shield. But you know what? She’s better off than 90% of them. Would you rather be her, or be one of these pathetic bloggers who are whining how they can’t “get over it” years and years later?

That isn't the comment that required a response.  But, it does tend to raise the blood pressure, does it not?  Lucky for me, I feel confident that I am far from pathetic or writing this blog to place my "victim" status on world wide display, so his arrogant prose didn't rattle me.

Until I read this:

the betrayed spouse must forgive, understand and move on too.

Well, that just did not work for me!  We MUST forgive?  We MUST move on?  He MUST mean we should just get over it already!  Right?
I think not.

So, I posted, the blogs owner replied and the dialog was on!  She claimed that there is always some blame for each spouse after an affair.  No way the betrayers would cheat if the marriage is happy.

Ladies??  Are you sure your man is happy?  Is he getting laid as much as he wants?  Are his meals hot when he gets home?  Is your hair done and your make-up fresh?  Are you truly aware of all of your man's needs, emotional and physical?  If not, he's probably gonna cheat.  I mean, why would he ever just come to you and tell you there was something he desired?  Honest, open communication??  Unheard of!

OK...Sorry.  Enough with the sarcasm.  That felt good, though.  I just had to let it out.  I worked so very hard to restrain it when writing my comments on her blog.  If you want to be taken seriously, you gotta reel in the snarky remarks.

Suffice it to say, we agreed to disagree after more than a few intense comments and responses.  Got a wicked little comment from the wayward husband, too!  Yikes!  I don't think he cares at all for my opinions!  Since I hit the reply button for the last time on her comments page, Wayward Husband called me a "shitty spouse".   He got a tad testy!  Must say...I didn't hate that.

Maybe I overstepped with my remarks.  Maybe I crossed some invisible Blogger etiquette line.  Or maybe, I just made a few solid points that hit too close to the truth.  I was standing up for the Sisterhood of Betrayed Wives!  We deserve more than...we probably had some blame in the deal.  We should just admit it and get over it.  That won't stand if I can help it.  Unfortunately, my words fell on cheating, lying, deaf ears.

I think she will be happy if I never visit her blog again.
Wonder if she'll be happy I shared it with all of you?

26 comments:

Jules said...

Bravo, Shawn!
I think I may just have to go visit her blog. I'M sure she'll adore me. ;)

Eat My Scabs said...

Ya, boiling blood. But you have to stand up for what you believe and what you feel. I've done the same thing on other blogs.

beingabeautifulmess said...

I'm so sorry I was the catalyst for that. I, too, have mixed feelings about her blog but I have had a few moments where I connected with something she said. I definitely don't agree with her all the time, but sometimes I like to have my views challenged if for no other reason than to see if my convictions hold up against someone who doesn't feel the same way.

The Recovering Wayward guy, though? He is a grade-A jerk! We have had more than one such blogging spar. I definitely agree that something you said must have hit too close to home. He seems to be under the impression that his wife caused the "reasons" for his cheating (he somehow thinks there is a difference between a reason, a justification, and an excuse - he doesn't say what he did is right, but he says it is partially his wife's fault). He is very pushy about his ideas and that they are the ONLY way to recover. He has basically brow-beaten his wife into not talking about the affair because "it could still push [him] out of the door." He is so completely maddening!!!

In fact, his insensitive remarks and conviction that I'm at fault for my husband's decision sparked my post Being a Fixer (http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/being-a-fixer/). I wouldn't waste any more breathe on him because he will never understand that his view isn't the only one in the world that matters.

Anonymous said...

I do not mind that you commented on my blog. I do not mind that you shared your feelings and opinions. I do not mind if you return or share my story I just ask that you share appropriately and fairly and honestly. I did not say it was YOUR fault. The fault is that of your husband. IT is HIS fault he cheated... it was HIS choice to make. I was saying however that I disagreed with you in that you had NOTHING to do with it. A perfectly happy, man in a perfect marriage *if there were such thing as a perfect marriage* would not cheat. I am saying if his TOTAL emotional and physical needs were being met he would not have considered. I am saying also it had nothing to do with his meals being hot, (your sarcasm was a tad bit annoying when I wasn't being sarcastic but that is okay) It didn't have anything to do with what you did for yourself or waiting on him. It has to do with respect and appreciation and *gasp* sex. It has to do with effort of keeping a relationship alive and being there. You said so on my blog that your marriage wasn't perfect but it was happy. Yeah I was happy too but I was alone. For two years waiting for him to quit wanting to be a rockstar and to choose to be a family man. I didn't go into some dating site asking to see a married man. When people are unhappy it is easy to make a bad choice. I am telling you your husband was not happy somewhere. And on my blog you blamed his self-esteem, his age, a midlife crisis, and whatever else you want to blame, and I am sure that all played a role.. HOWEVER he had to be unhappy with something that wasn't given to go out and *try and find it. It wasn't just because. Something was missing. Maybe it was something as simple as you didn't catch he needed to be heard, and some 24 year old boob-jobbed up bimbo listened. I don't' know... I don't know your story I just find it VERY hard to believe you were happy and he was happy and sex was great and your communication was KEY and he brought you home flowers and your dinners were hot (your sarcasm here) and he thought to himself I think I'll go have an affair.... (thats all I was trying to say).

shawn, the wife said...

Jules: How could she not adore you??
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

EMS: Did I want to spend two hours of my day in a cyber space debate?? Not really. Could I help myself? Not at all.
That Wayward Husband is a piece of work. I took a glance at his blog. It basically says...If you don't agree with me...stay the F*#^ out!
What a colossal jerk.
Have a great weekend!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Beautiful Mess!!! Don't apologize for my out-spoken tendencies!! LOL! Wayward Husband's words were like finger nails on a chalk board for me. I HAD to comment...and then, it kind of escalated. No biggie.
You describe his mentality perfectly.
First he throws himself under the bus, saying he knows what a jerk he was, THEN he adds the BUT...what a crock! What a coward! He won't even allow anyone to challenge his thinking on his blog. It's all about him, all the time. Fine...it's HIS blog. His own little dictatorship.
The Other Woman was open for discussion. We'll never see eye to eye. She has to maintain a rationalization for cheating. Her husband was absent, so she cheated. Hence, we all must hold some blame for the despicable behavior of our wayward spouses. Whatever. I maintain that we hold no blame, regardless of the heathen bitches we may have been. If the marriage was in trouble, they should have come to us! They should have had the courage to talk to US before stepping away from the marriage. Running from a troubled marriage into the arms of another is the pure chicken-shit way out. That's MY stand and I'm sticking to it!
So...no worries, Beautiful Mess! I got a lot of laundry done while I was typing away yesterday!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Anonymous Other Woman: Welcome to our side of the fence! So happy you joined us over here. Very open minded of you.
We can continue the debate if you want, but like you said yesterday, we're probably just beating the crap outta that dead horse. I'm gonna give it one more shot because I think I could have been a bit more articulate yesterday. I am always a stronger communicator in the morning when I'm loaded with caffeine.
I know that you find it impossible to believe that I had a good marriage. But, that ain't the point, Chica. Even if betrayed spouses were evil, spiteful, selfish slobs before the affair, it doesn't mean they hold ANY blame for the affair. The waywards CHOOSE to go outside the marriage INSTEAD of working on the marriage or just choosing to leave the marriage all together BEFORE cheating!! Why couldn't you tell your H you were having feelings for another man? Why couldn't you say, I'm lonely. We need to fix our relationship now or I'm going to leave you.
We are never given a chance to fix anything before the cheating begins.

Hence...we hold no blame. If more waywards choose to live honestly, they would face their relationship issues instead of running to a fantasy based on lies.

Anyway...unless you have something to add, enough said, right??

Oh! I do want to add 'So sorry' you found my sarcasm annoying. I write the way I talk. Sometimes I use sarcasm to make my point. Sometimes it makes a few people smile, maybe even laugh. Couldn't we all use a few more grins? Lighten up, Babe!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

HELP!! I may need an intervention, People!!
I let that big bully, Wayward Husband, suck me back into the useless blogging banter vortex just now!!

I don't mind, in fact I enjoy, a good debate with reasonable people of opposing views, but this guy is such a narcissist...I might as well be talking to pile of doggie poo!

PLEASE!! Stop me before I post again! It's so hard for me to run from an asshole...but, truly...you can't argue with stupid, so I need to give it a rest!
Thank goodness, I gotta go to work today.
So glad you are all here to save me from myself!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I think your stick broke beating the dead horse... would you like to use mine? ;0)

the other woman said...

I didn't realize I was posting as anonymous... I don't ever come over to blogger from wordpress... sorry.

Xena said...

They are both full of shit Shawn. Well done!!

Here is some refreshing honesty from the other woman I read todday. It won't make up for the completely idiotic ramblings of "others" - but it put smile on my dial

http://www.women24.com/LoveAndSex/SinglesAndDating/The-truth-about-having-an-affair-20120605

Gracie said...

Shawn:

I've never posted on a blog before but I just had to make a post after reading this crap! I've been contemplating starting a blog myself. I've read your blog, and although I'm so sorry for what your going through, you've made me laugh till I cried. This bullshit coward move our husbands made is no laughing matter, but I thank you for your story and honesty.

The comments from Wayward husband let everyone know that he's a total prick and "shitty husband" - and poor, misguided "other woman" just might need a hug and the blinders taken off.

My husband and I, without a shadow of a doubt, had been happily married for 6 years when he cheated. I was completely blindsided. There were no freaking needs unmet. This selfish bastard cheated because.......wait for it..........he was unhappy WITH HIMSELF!! He found himself unemployed at 44, and sat his miserable ass at home and started a lovely 2 year trip to alcoholic hell. When he wasn't drinking, he was bored, so he thought it would be fun to visit dating sites, and the rest was history. Sweet, right?

So he did all his dirt while I was at work. He finally answered my pleading and got help and is thankfully sober now for years. But his affair continued for TWO years! You know how he was able to sneak around and still be a present, loving husband who never went out at night without me? Men compartmentalize!!!

He had two separate lives that never collided because his dumb whore of an other woman believed his fantasy of lies and continued to tell him that the sun rises and shines on his ass! He didn't feel like a worthless piece of shit with her, but I, working full time and raising our kids made him feel that way even though I never put him down or tried to make him feel bad. He was sick.

Do I sound angry? That's because I am.....now. There is absolutely nothing I could have done differently that would have made him not cheat. He has an addictive, selfish, self-sabotaging personality and that's it.

I'm sorry I didn't intend for this post to be a book, but those ignorant posts really pissed me off! :)

Gracie

Anonymous said...

I think I'm know the WS you speak of. He is a master of blameshifting, and I think his go-to response to any betrayed spouse who dares disagree with him on anything is "shitty spouse". Ironically enough, even though he's the one who cheated, I don't think he feels he, himself, deserves the label. I wonder if his betrayed wife would feels the same way. I used to read Wendy's blog, but I had to stop because she and her #1 fan couldn't stop patting each other on the back for how evolved they are compared to the all the rest of the "nitwits" (his word) out there who won't just suck it up and get over it already. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. (I also used to read Being Her's blog, but stopped because I couldn't get behind her point of view.)

Anyway, good for you for standing up for what you believe and how you feel!

Anonymous said...

Yea, Shawn!
You always make my day when I read your blog. This has got to be put in a book, your way of putting things, is priceless. My blood was boiling after reading some of the things that the people on this other site said and how they feel! I will never agree that a WS has any reason to cheat. I remember telling my H, before I found about the A that, "If someone was going to cheat, they should get out of the marriage first." He knew how I felt about cheating, hell my own Dad was having an A, he knew how much my Mom was suffering, but he didn't care, he went on with his anyway.

I loved the part where this jerk said, "If a man or woman was happy at home they would never cheat." My H was happy at home, he just liked the extra attention to feed his ego just a little more, plus she was new, flirted with him over drinks and he lapped it up like the 40 yr. old puppy dog, that he was. Three years later, I find out and believe me, he told me that he would have never told me.

My point that got my attention and laugh that you mentioned was this. I was that wife that made sure I had on make-up when he came home, gave him a loving hug and kiss, happy to see him. House spotless, bills paid, everything was done for him, as he earned the money and I was the June Cleaver wife. His hot meal was on the table, we didn't worry him with any problems when he first came home, let him unwind first, have his drink or two. Kids in bed and later then he had his hot wife in bed also, even when sometimes I was to tired, but I needed to keep him happy. If I had boosted his ego anymore on top of his pedestal, he would have had a nose bleed. So, he did have the perfect wife who loved him deeply, didn't suspect a thing, just thought he was working extra hard at work, so that's why he might be an hour or two late.

Anyway, you've heard this whole story. I could go on that other blog, but I think you did a wonderful job for all of us on HH and I thank you very much, after all, we were the best wife's we could be and even then some and they still cheated.

It burns me up to think that this jerk made that statement. I will never accept any responsibility for my H's affair. The only thing that maybe I should have done was lay down the law with his drinking, it was either the bottle or me and that might have changed something in our life. I might have been gone and I could have cared less what he did, but while he was with me, their is never an excuse to cheat in a marriage, period, the end.!

Thanks, Shawn for this post, you made my day.

Songbird or Linda

shawn, the wife said...

Hey, Xena: I think the Wayward Dude IS completely full of shit, you're right, but the Other Woman, I don't get that with her. It feels more like deep denial. She got dumped by the married cheater that she says LOVED her. He was the love of her life. We know she was close to obsessed with him.
Cheating or not...getting dumped like that is gonna leave a mark! Who wouldn't put up a few sturdy walls of rationalization to protect themselves? We can convince ourselves that the sky is green and the grass is blue if it's about self-preservation. So, for now, I'll give her a little extra rope.
Believe me, trying not to judge her is a tough pill, but I could feel her pain in her writing and even though she brought it on herself, I don't wish that on anyone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Hello, Gracie! You're a blogger virgin?? Welcome to our little support & discussion group. I hate the reason people read my blog, but I'm very glad to know I made you laugh! Wish none of us needed a sisterhood, but here we are...let's help each other and maybe share a few grins along the way.
It doesn't matter how many stories I hear of betrayal. Each one is equally heart wrenching. I am so sorry for your pain. Don't know where you are on your road to happy. It sounds like you are reconciling. I wish you good luck. We all know how tough it is. The anger is normal. The resentment, inevitable. But, if love is still present, love will kick the ass of the other dark emotions eventually.
Writing this blog has been so cathartic! I highly recommend it. My brain is like a pitcher and when it is close to over-flowing, I dump some of it out here.
Beats the hell out of sobbing into a pillow, stalking Jaymie's Facebook page or running my keys along Richard's Lexus. LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Anonymous: You sure do know the folks of which I type! Since my marathon debate on HER blog, I've been thinking...why in the hell did I waste 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back on people that really have no interest in the opinions of others?
I figured it out! I should never judge others by myself. Just because I want my blog to be a welcoming place, a completely open forum, doesn't mean that is what others desire. Oh..they might think they want open debate, but open debate means an exchange of ideas. I put LOTS of questions out there and got very few answers, especially from Wayward Husband. (such a dick-wad) UGH! Sorry! I sooo let the guy get under my skin! I hate that! I should just follow your lead and bail off that blog pronto!!
Thanks for the sage advice!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Songbird: Glad you're still reading! Haven't heard from you in a while! Thanks for the kudos, but very little was accomplished with any of my comments. It was basically an exercise in futility. I just couldn't NOT try. Does that make sense? It really was a compulsion!
I never got an answer to the most important part of my argument: Why did you NOT go to your spouse BEFORE you cheated? Why not tell them you needed something more instead of getting what you were missing from another?
The answer is probably different for every betrayer, but there is no answer that justifies cheating...none. And, to me, if the betrayed was never given the opportunity to fix what was broken, they can not be blamed for the affair...NOT AT ALL!
Geez...Here I go again! Sorry. I'm over it! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

The Wandering Shutter Fly said...

"Those people that put the blame on the betrayed spouse for the cheating spouse's decision to have an affair are the same people that assume a rape victim is to blame for being raped.."
I saw this in another blog and I agree with it 100%

The Wandering Shutter Fly said...

HI Shawn,
In my cheating someday to be ex husband's eyes, something was always wrong with our marriage or with his life!..Just as soon as I got one issue fixed, he would find something else wrong!
Some people are so broken there is no pleasing them whatsoever :/

shawn, the wife said...

Shutter Fly: First...welcome. Glad you're joining us, but I'm sure you didn't want to be part of the club. None of us CHOSE to be here.
And that's really what this conversation has been all about, right? Choices. Choices that were made by betrayers that impact us to the very core.
In my opinion...they need to own that!
Second: People that carry around a shit ton of negativity do nothing but stink up the place. Good luck with your new life! Let us know how it goes!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I followed a link to your blog from a forum for folks recovering from infidelity. I get so very angry when people suggest that my husbands crappy choices are my fault. In my case the sow started a blog after she was dumped on d day (she did the anonymous facebook message thing hoping he would come running to her) . I understand a lot of it was erased after my husband threatened her with a restraining order but in the beginning I did read a lot of the crape she wrote. I also at first bought into my husbands blamesshifting and totally blamed tmyself. I know better now. Amznwmn.blogspot is the address ifyou want to read her delusional bs.I am reading all your posts and am appreciating your perspective. Hugs

shawn, the wife said...

Anonymous: Welcome! I am always glad to meet new members of the sisterhood, just pisses me off that there are so darn many of us!
Really glad to hear that you are not tolerating any blame-shifting from your WH! No good can come from it. The OW on the blog that I debated with doesn't get it at all. Or..maybe she does, but facing it is too painful. I don't know.
I'm thinking when an especially weak betrayer harbors heavy guilt, for sanities sake they almost HAVE to blame shift. Weak minded people (or narcissistic people) don't have the inner strength to carry the whole load of the turmoil they wrought.
I'll offer a suggestion...if betrayers need to place some of the blame other than squarely on their own shoulders, where it rightfully belongs...dump it on the other woman/man! They are liars and cheaters, too! They earned the blame!
Just leave us out of the blame game, thank you very much!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

If you're the betrayed spouse, no amount of sympathy, or rationalization from others, hateful words towards the ex who cheated or the other woman is going to help heal the pain. I have struggled in every way to get rid of the hurt and it's finally starting to subside slowly. I'd cry out to God to just make the hurt go away and please let me have some peace and happiness from this pain of loving someone unconditionally and then having them spit in your face so to speak and act as though you don't exist. God will take care of things and he has to some extent. My ex has gotten very sick and now has serious health issues. Bimbo has taken pity on him and he's living with her. This health issue should never have happened to a former healthy person in a loving family. God is trying to tell him something and he's thumbing his nose at him still. I pray that God will not give up and keep trying to show my ex the right thing to do.

shawn thewife said...

(((Anonymous))) You're so right. There are no words to ease the pain of betrayal. There is only time and actions. We all have different ways of finding our road back to happy. It is so individual, but there are a few ground rules. The one that took me the longest to learn was the other woman should be ignored!! The next rule for me was, I can not control the actions of others. I can only control I I react to them.
I hope you find your road to happy soon. If you need to be among compassionate friends that understand what you're going through, we are always here.
You can also find friends on this message forum: http://afterthebetrayal.com/
These message boards are full of other betrayed spouses that have found a way to recover. It is a wonderful place to vent, share, ask questions or just read and learn.
Take good care of yourself.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn