After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Monday, June 11, 2012


That morning, in our bedroom, I was pacing back and forth and breathing like a race horse running in the Derby.  No wonder I couldn't think straight, too much damn oxygen pumping through my bod.  The human body is an amazing creation.
Too much oxygen + adrenaline = Ranting may continue!!
If adrenaline hadn't been delivered to my system in an over-load dose during this manic moment, I probably would have hyperventilated and fainted.  I must have looked like I was an escapee from the maximum security psych ward.  This was my worst melt-down since DDay, and unfortunately, not my last, not by a long shot.  Prepare yourself...during my melt downs, the language was not for the ears of church going folk.

How could he have lied again?  That question reverberated in my head and the words probably flew out of mouth, too.  I had no filter to contain my thoughts.  I thought it.  I said it or perhaps yelled it.  Richard knew damn well I had been doing my best to keep our shit storm away from my parents, but he somehow thought it would be OK to confide in my dear old dad.  Now, answer me this...if it was really OK, why wouldn't he tell me he'd done it?  Why wait until I say I think it's time to fill the family in and THEN confess to the little secret??  Because it was not OK!  It was way less than OK!  It was sending me directly into a massive nervous breakdown that had been knocking on my door for weeks.

When I talked about my girls...I forgot to mention Lady Lunatic.  She was exceedingly unpredictable and down right scary.  Situations like this were perfect fuel for Lady.  That girl had no self-control and when she let loose...consequences be damned!  Since DDay, my mantra was...I want to know everything!  Tell me all of it!  Don't hide anything!  I warned Richard (a warning is an ultimatum in slightly cuter clothes) numerous times that I could not handle any more lies.  I needed to know everything he might still be concealing so I could begin to process it all.  You can't rebuild a decimated house without all the proper tools.  Honesty was to be the foundation of our remodel.

Fire Away!!  "You told my dad, so I'm gonna tell your sisters."
"It's the day before Thanksgiving!  The entire family is there!  Why would you want to spoil that for them?"
"You should have thought of that before you decided to spoil our whole life!"

Since Dday, Richard had let me rule the roost.  When I was loving and needy, the air was smooth and he traveled calmly.  On days like this, turbulence tossed him around like a rag doll.  Before this fiasco, during visits from Lady Lunatic, he had kept his head low and rode it out with his seat belt fastened....tight!  On this day, he found his own Mr. Toughie Pants.  The thought of revealing his abhorrent behavior to his family made him fight back.

He actually raised his voice.  Hadn't done that since Dday either.  "You are NOT calling them! There is no reason to ruin their holiday!  All our nieces and nephews are there! They don't deserve to be dropped in the middle of our mess!"  Well, no shit.  My parents didn't deserve that either.
Lady Lunatic didn't care about additional casualties.  She wanted payback.

Open the hatch...drop the "U" bomb in 3,2,1...."Fine.  I won't call them.  You call them.  You call them or get the fuck out!"  Ultimatum number one is launched.

We went back and forth.  He practically begged me to reconsider, which of course, was not gonna happen.  (the analogy of monkeys flying out of my ass comes to mind.)  In mid-argument, I went from Lady Lunatic to Royal Bitch and there would be no surrender.  He started to pack.

I was brutal! "You'd rather leave your kids on Thanksgiving than tell your sisters what an asshole you are?  You'll pack up and walk out and leave your family to protect your big sisters from hearing about you fucking Jaymie?  I am not surprised."

It took a few more missiles like those before I brought him down.  He collapsed into the chair and said, "I'll do it.  I am actually so weak that I am letting you bully me into this.  I am giving in to your fucking ultimatum."
Victory!!  I did a little happy dance inside my head.  Which truly speaks to my mental state.  I love Richard's family.  The fact that I was joyful about thrusting them into our calamity sickens me now.

Richard called his older sister, Nancy, first.  He spilled his guts, hanging his head and weeping through it all.  Called his middle sister, Bobbi, next.  Same scenario.  Lots of sobbing and pathetic whimpering.

I didn't think it through.  I had no idea how they would react.  I mean, the only part I considered was that telling them would be a very serious, deep, gaping wound for Richard.  That was the primary objective.  To their credit, they didn't judge him, they were just severely pissed that he hadn't called them before!  Turns out, making those calls was the best thing he could have done.  Who knew there would be a silver lining to an ultimatum bomb drop?  They could not have been more supportive.  Not just to him, but to me and more us, to saving US.


Eat My Scabs said...

I was laughing as I read this cause I've been there. I remember the days where mr scabs did anything and everything i wanted and my mood ruled everything! And I might have manipulated it a little bit. But who'd blame me?

so sad isn't it? I really hated it. And then part of me loved having the power. I'm glad we're currently out of that stage and on to new exciting phases and stages of sex addiction recovery. Ha!

shawn, the wife said...

Richard called himself "the Barometer". He rose & fell like the tide based on me! He still kind of does!
He is so different since DDay. I still love him, but sometimes I think I barely know him. Oh, crap...that little epiphany almost made me cry! Might need to blog about it and purge!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Wendy said...

Having that extra power is nice isnt it! And really, they should bend over backwards until they are forgiven. They've done the unthinkable, and need to go above and beyond to prove themselves.
Good for you sister!

shawn, the wife said...

Wendy: I'm so glad you are here! I can tell you get it and we can never have enough support!
Thanks for the kudos, but if you keep reading you'll see they are not deserved. I was a vengeful, hateful looney-toon for over a year. I think a lot of it had to do with taking back some power, but mostly, it was about hurting both of them. Making them suffer pain, humiliation and self-doubt. Pure, unadulterated payback. I figured no matter what I did to them, who would blame me? I'm over that these days. It was truly sucking the life outta me.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Chatty Chicky said...

Yes,being vengeful and hateful is probably not the best way to go, but you must admit, it musta made you feel just a tiny bit better, at least for a short while. :)
But your right, it does suck the life outta you. I am getting over all of that, slowly and surely...

Jamie Lemmi said...

You have some birthday wishes at After The Betrayal!!!

shawn, the wife said...

Thanks, Jamie! I just checked it out!
Quite awesome!! Loved it!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Kari said...

It's interesting how our pain is all the same, but our reactions can be so different. I'm 6 months post D-day. Not a single family member knows. Not one. Some days I really want to tell my parents, just to have their love and support during this hard time, but I just know that they'd never look at my husband the same. They adore him. Adore. If my marriage is going to be repaired and saved, I can't stand the thought of his relationship with my parents (and siblings for that matter) forever changed. I've also not confronted the OW. I've never met her. I did write her a four page letter, without a single curse word in it, letting her know how her actions had changed my life forever. Did I hear back from her? Nope. Nothing. Sometimes, I wish I had the guts you had to confront her!

shawn thewife said...

Kari: I wasn't brave when I brought Jaymie back into our lives, I was ignorant! Took me a year to learn she could never help me heal.

Smartest thing you can do is keep the OW as far away from you & WH as possible!
Glad you're smarter than me!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh. I really have to stop commenting. But I really hate that you attack yourself for doing what comes naturally. And your husband, playing the victim, "I'm gonna let you bully me.." I wish you would have let him leave. I know, you were scared, but I wish you would have let him leave over this. Your husband, all of our husbands, are such yucks. How did we luck out. I look at other women - how nice, I wonder, or think. Did they get the gentlemen? And I really can't stand hearing positives about these guys... Ugghh. The only thing positive about these slobs is their wives and children.