After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Ugly Weather at Jaymie's House

Affair fog is not just for betrayers.  After DDay, I predict the betrayed may suffer with diminished ability to see clearly due to fog in La La Land.  The fog can be pea soup thick when a storm is brewing.
Someone should have issued a severe storm warning.  My wicked case of post DDay affair fog thickened up a few days after Thanksgiving.  I wasn't seeing anything clearly.  Richard called himself "My Barometer".  His quality of life was completely dependent on my moods.  I have likened these past months to a war.  Maybe I should have used the weather metaphor instead.  I was the proverbial tempest in a tea kettle.  So in love.  Imagining the perfect future with my not-so-perfect man one minute, measuring myself for a tight white jacket the next or maybe having such an enormous fit of anger, Richard could not see any possible way we had an ice cube's chance in hell of reconciling.
In each new day there was the potential for a category 5 hurricane.  The morning I'm about to share was one of those days.

Consequences weren't on my Dopler radar.  I wasn't thinking that far ahead.  It was not even day by was minute by minute most of the time.  Questions about the affair were so over whelming to me that day.  I couldn't take it.  Jaymie had not responded to any of the emails I had sent recently.  Playing on her sympathies and offering to throw Richard under the bus wasn't working.  She didn't want him back, AFAIK, so wouldn't she want to destroy him?  He lied to her, used her, tossed her aside like a used condom.  You think she'd want to give me all the dirt so I would hang him out to his penis!

Texting was also a total waste of time. I needed a more direct approach. Still had her home number.  That had proven to be a sure thing.  Back to the war analogy...
The casualty count was about to rise again.

Jaymie's dad picked up.  "Hello?"
"Hello.  I need to speak...."
"Got it, Dad!!"  
She was exceedingly NOT happy about me calling her house.  As you can imagine, that sent me into a very natural endorphin enhanced euphoria!  She wanted to know just what I thought I was doing!?
My plan, a few seconds ago, was just to get her on the phone.  Get some much needed answers to my over flowing list of questions about her time with Richard.

But, that was a WHOLE second ago.  Once I heard the fear in her voice...the fear of her dad finding out...It was soooo ON!  "I want to talk to your dad.  Please put him on the phone."
"Why?  Why would you involve him?"
"Jaymie...I'm a parent!  If my daughter was making such horrendous life choices, I sure hope someone would let me know.  I just want to do the right thing."
Oh my God!  This was the most fun I'd had since DDay!
"Shawn, please.  There is no reason to talk to him.  It's over. I thought we had an understanding.  I tried to help you.  I answered your questions."   Not all of them.  Not even close.
"You are so stupid.  Why would I just let you off the hook?  I was only nice to you to get the information I wanted.  It's obvious how Richard played you.  Manipulating you is a piece of cake."

Royal Bitch in full body armor had shown up for this battle! (Oh, wait! Are we still doing the weather analogy?.Ok..this storm...this tornado...whatever!)  I was in my glory!  Ripping her a new one and listening to her squirm!  I'm getting chills now just thinking about it!

Played a little cat and mouse with her for a bit more.  Hearing her BEG me not to call Daddy was like seeing a double rainbow after a raging rain.  (I really gotta get my metaphors figured out. Sorry.)  It was way too much fun to stop.  In the end, I made it clear, her dad and I were gonna chat.

Finally, I hung up on her.  I had also acquired her dad's work line.  He worked from home, but he had a private line.  Used that.  Get ready, James.  
"Is this Mr. S****?"
"Yes, it is."
"This is Shawn F*****, Richard's wife. I have something you need to know.  Your daughter had a affair with my husband."
There was a very long pause.  I waited.  I figured it would take some time to set in.  What really surprised me was the fact that he never doubted a word of what I told him.  Not a word.  As I parent, I think I would have needed a bit of proof that my daughter was a low-life skank.  Not James.  
I could have offered up the emails.  I could have shared sordid details galore!  Nope.  Not necessary.

The rest of the call was James apologizing to me.  Asking about MY welfare!  Inquiring about MY emotional state!  What could he do for me?  Well, that sure slowed my wind speed down a notch.  Open up the flood gates, here it comes....I wailed!  I couldn't believe how kind this man was being to me!  How could I be such a Royal Bitch??  He, unwittingly, continued to apply the tourniquet of guilt, 
"Can I pray with you?"  
Then he proceeded to ask our Dear Lord to help me heal, give me guidance and comfort my heart.  I think the whole call lasted less than 10 minutes.  As I sobbed, I prayed for a cyclone to pick me up and deposit me in hell, right then, where I belonged.

Once again, I didn't think it through.  I didn't think at all.  I acted or reacted.  I was volatile. 
This blog helps me understand what I should have done differently.  If you are dealing with the first few months after DDay, use me like the local weather woman.  I'm gonna let you know when you'll need an umbrella, when to pack the sunscreen and when to stay the hell home because the road to happy is too damn icy to navigate.


liveandlearn47 said...

wow... been there... by some shear miracle I was able to refrain from most of the actions my brain wanted me to take. Not all - just most. OW was someone I knew and the friends in common were a large group from which to reek havoc. I kept my discuss to a few trusted close friends between us.

In the end, after month 3 I was able to get ahold of my raw and reeling emotions and decide that in all of this I wanted to be seen as gracious and clear. The rage while still present at month 6 could be contained...2+ years out I feel restored to my former large hearted self.

Love your blog - captures those moments that defy logic early on after a d-day. I've gone back and revisited friends of mine who had experienced something like this prior to me - I had little understanding at the time of their d-days of how a trauma like this takes our emotions and life to extreme edges perhaps never experienced in one's life before.

Pippi said...

That is amazing that James reacted with such sympathy and kindness. Betrayed spouses would heal MUCH faster if we got THAT reaction every time someone found out. I wonder what the hell happened to Jamie -- sounds like her dad's a decent guy???

Eat My Scabs said...

Oh no! You talked to her dad! I can't believe it! This was a pretty good post...i think a lot of us can relate to the fog and going crazy and doing insane things!

Fighterandsurvivor said...

I have her mom's email address and for a while I was contemplating to tell her everything, ESPECIALLY that her mom herself was a victim of infidelity and her precious daughter knew all about her own father's infidelity. I've seen emails of her mom practically beaming about her daughter so I wonder what she would have said if I did tell her the truth.

I'm so glad that you did what you needed to do. Sometimes we just need to do some things in order to be a little bit saner. I might still do it one day. I haven't considered against emailing her mom.

Hope you're having a wonderful trip with your hubby. Keep on writing!

shawn, the wife said...

Pippi: I was amazed at his compassion, too, but I was more than shocked at how easily he believed everything I told him. The compassion didn't last long. Soon, he became DADDY again and I was nothing but a reminder of what a sleaze bag his daughter had become.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

EMS: I was nuts alright. If I thought about it, I did it. I've always been a tad impulsive, but this was way off the charts. In the next few weeks, I dove right into the deep end of crazy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

L & L47: Rage and crazy do not mix well at all and I was blending them into poison. I hope my journey into the deep fog of anger & lunacy give other betrayed spouses a small window on what can happen if you don't consider consequences. You can be angry, depressed, vengeful and nuts without acting on those emotions. The energy I wasted venting my rage should have been saved to heal myself. Took me a year to figure that out.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

F & S: Not sure how long it has been since your DDay, but if the OW is out of the picture...leave her there! Please just let her go. Don't do anything that will bring her back into your life. I can tell you first hand, dragging OW through the dirt feels good....for a minute. After that, the pain comes right back. The truth is, no matter what we do to them, to OW or WH, we can never hurt them as much as they hurt us.
Payback just ain't worth the effort. Wish I had been smarter. Would have saved me months of additional suffering.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Shaunie said...

I would like yo know if her dad ever confronted her or eventually took the home wreckers side
Hope he did the right thing & chewed her out.

shawn, the wife said...

Shaunie: I doubt he was proud of her! He probably questioned her intelligence. Did he chew her out? Not his style. He considers himself a devout Christian. I say he's a Christian when it works for him.

I know he had hoped that Richard would refer him clients. He had gone to Richard's office a few times while Jaymie worked there to speak to him. Richard said he was a pain in the ass. I could help him out and post his business web site on my blog. You know, give him a hand with networking!
Oh, Lord! What a can of worms that would be!! LOL!

I also know he definitely took Jaymie's side. He had to stand by his daughter. Funny thing, the drama continues, you'll see...he always spoke with Richard, NOT me. He was afraid of me. He'd rather deal with the 60 year old guy that screwed his baby girl, than deal with me! He thought I was nuts...I kind of was.

Worse part, once I spoke with him, I had no leverage. That's why I wish I hadn't told him. I wish I had used the THREAT of telling him to make her squirm.
Rookie mistake.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

My hubz cheated on me up to last year.
Met the woman online, chat many times, phone calls, sextext, webcam, and finally invited (yes, he invited!!) her to have affair with him. Flown (yes, FLOWN!!) her to our city, booked her into hotels for 2 nights each times, for repeated sex. TWICE!!
The second one ended up in abortion. Did that stopped them? NOPE!
She were to fly the third time but hubz was busy. Then I found out. Said he chose me and quit all sorts of communication with her. But, really, who knows?

Of course, I found her profile.
But I never contacted her at all. Doubt she even knew that I know that much about her; about her having 2 children of her own, of the small city where her parents lives, of the boyfriend she is seeing right now, of her friends' contacts....

One day, should my hubz ever cheated on me again (I swear he should be smarter by now, because the last time I told him that my revenge goes deep and it will unravel his life till he has nothing), I would unleashed all those secrets to her, her parents, her (future) husband her friends and even her children. That would've been shocking, as she portrayed herself as young innocent pretty girl looking for future husband.

Evil of me? Maybe yes.
But let it be known, that this is the reaction for the 'evilness' of my husband. He will know that his actions causes ripples, intended or not. If he hurts me, I will hurt the lives of people he (even if, once) cared. After all, she gets what coming to her, even if it was delayed. But, dear, ain't Karma a bitch.
One may say that Karma will come to me, as well. But I say, bring it on, I know I can live with those pain. Struggling? Yes, but I'm no stranger to pain.

Anonymous said...

Only just found your blog and can't stop reading. You absolutely rock Shawn xx
6 months out fromDday and I still haven't contacted the whale of an OW. She's such a low piece of worthless shit that I don't want to let something so ridiculous and disgusting know that I'm hurting so badly. My pride couldn't take any more of a kicking! However, I dream of all manner of violence and retribution towards the nasty village idiot and so I'm reading this cheering you on.
I hear you when you say let her stay out of the picture ( apparently it was sex only, my wh swears there was no emotion involved) but I just wish I knew she had suffered a fraction of the pain I have. As far as I know, she's sliming around like nothing has happened.
Not fair!
As you can probably tell - Bitchy Betty is in the house tonight ! ;)