After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Close to the Final Trek



For this trip through the mountain range of Crazy Town, I enlisted Sherpas to help carry the load.  I had been climbing higher up the sheer cliffs of "Contact Jaymie" for over a year.  For what I believed would be my final expedition, I recruited Richard and Sharon.  If you don't recall, Sharon is the attorney that rents office space from Richard.  She was Jaymie's employer at the beginning of the affair.  They signed up for what would turn out to be close to my final trek up the arduous bluff of "Contact Jaymie".
Close...but I didn't quite reach the summit.

I hear you screaming at your screen...Why in the hell would they do that??
Depends on how you look at it.  The positive spin, I can be very persuasive.  The other side of the coin, I can be wickedly manipulative.  Look at it however you want, I was usually good at getting my way, except for my multiple failures scaling "Contact Jaymie".  The lack of results from my efforts the past year were infuriating!!  My resources were so limited.  It was time to bring in fresh reinforcements.

I still was not ready to admit to myself that Jaymie was of no use to me.  To be clear...not just useless, detrimental.   Over a year past DDay and yet I wallowed in the lovely transference method of dealing with my pain.
When would I learn?  When would I Let the Bitch Whore Go?
Soon, but not until I had to take a little field trip out of Crazy Town and into El Cajon Court.

For successful reconciliation, it is beyond important that the wayward spouse show deep, sincere remorse after DDay.  Richard had displayed massive amounts of guilt and repentance.  I didn't wanna hear it.  I wouldn't accept it.  Instead, I exploited it.
I crossed another very thin, precarious line.  Stepping over this line turned Richard's bona fide desire to earn my forgiveness and save our marriage into punishment for his sins.
To be completely authentic about my time in Crazy Town, in case you don't quite get it yet, I must admit this....when I lashed out at Jaymie it was to punish Richard.  I knew it killed him to see me so out of control.  I craved seeing my husband suffer.  I didn't really NEED the emails.  Even back then I think I knew, there was nothing Jaymie could offer me.

Richard's new marching orders were to talk to Sharon.  Come up with a plan between them that would get me a conversation with Jaymie.  Once again, Richard did not disappoint.  It wasn't too tough for him to convince Sharon to help.  She had witnessed my Manic Meltdown back in January.  I think she would do just about anything to please my husband. (Well, I hope not "anything"!)  She hired totally unqualified Jaymie as an assistant to appease him.  Why wouldn't she help him clean up the fall out?

Sharon placed a phone call to Jaymie, using the script prepared by me, pleading the case that there was little chance of me ever going away without satisfaction.  Jaymie might as well get it over with.

Richard drafted this email, approved by me of course, and sent it off the same day.

Dear Jaymie:    
I am searching for closure for Shawn, for you and for me.  The last year has been hell for Shawn.  She can't get past any of it.   That's why she has gone so far trying to contact you.  She has many questions that I have tried to answer, but my words sound like lies to her now.  Please consider one email, one phone call or one meeting with her, your call.  Answers might give her closure.  She has been telling me the same thing for months.  She needs answers to move on.
I pray everyday for her happiness and yours.  I am so sorry for the pain that I caused her and my family and for the turmoil that has occurred to you and your family. My selfish, mid-life breakdown should never have involved you or Shawn and I deeply regret my behavior.  Thanks for listening and considering the idea. 
I know it's a lot to ask, but I had to try. 
Rich
Richard followed my lead through Crazy Town so blindly.  I wonder if he knows today, like I do, that when he gave in over and over to appease me, he really wasn't doing me, or us, any favors.
I also wonder if Sharon really followed my script.  In hindsight, I think not. She talked to me about how badly she felt for the pain I had endured.  Showed appropriate sympathy for my man, her landlord, as well.  But, for an attorney, her powers of persuasion were apparently no better than mine.
Jaymie had no intention of granting me any type of communication.

Sharon did manage to obtain one crucial piece of info.  Jaymie was going to the sheriff.  She said she was so totally over me disrupting her life.
I think the term she used was "harassment".  Oh...and maybe "Restraining Order."

21 comments:

Mrs. G said...

I will never understand jaymie's choice not to talk. Was she scared? Was she worried because she was involved in the church? I've been a BS and I've been an OW and each time everyone talked when it came time to. I would think the truth would be liberating to her, but I guess not. I'm the type of person who needs things to be all out in the open. I can't stand secrets. I think her talking to you would've helped aim your hatred @ the person it needed to be aimed at...richard. I also think the letter was quite nice and not at all that manipulative. That really sucks she didn't talk and I will never understand that. Hope things have been better since Vegas xoxox.

shawn thewife said...

Mrs. G: There was nothing Jaymie could have said to me that would have helped. I am absolutely sure of that. She tried to talk to me at first, but once Richard threw her under the bus and I told her dad, all bets were off. All secrets were exposed.
Yes...I should have been aiming at Richard. Hind sight is much more clear than post DDay fog.

Richard drafted that email to Jaymie. I merely approved it before he sent it. I thought it was good, too.

Vegas is behind us. At first Richard tried to make it no big deal, but after a few hours with the lovely Dr. K, he gets it and he's back on board with open honest communication.
Thanks for caring.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

bs said...

I think Jaymie chose not to talk to you, in part, as a way to punish Richard.

The letter he wrote her obviously showed that Richard's allegiance clearly resided with you, not her. And, worse it states that he regretted his behavior.

That must have been painful for her to see in black & white.

The OW's realization that she was just a titillating temporary distraction from a man's emotional crisis has got to hurt them.

Someone once mentioned to me that it was disrespectful that my husband threw the OW under the Bus on DDay.

But as he said, he never respected her, he always saw her as just a shameless hussy, and she knew the rules of the affair from day one.

My spouse feels absolutely that he did not throw her under the bus because he was from the beginning totally upfront and transparent with her about his intentions.

She was the one aggressively pretending to offer something she really did not want.

My spouse simply followed through on his pre-arranged agreement with her.

His real regret, he has said, is that he was at the time being more transparent and honest with her than with me, his wife.

IMO, your anger at a woman who chose to have a relationship with a married man is normal and understandable.

She knew he was married. Richard never hid that fact.

I also see plenty of your anger appropriately targeted at Richard, too, at least, now as you write your blog.

Anyway, IMO, BOTH Richard and Jaymie deserved your anger.

I think Jaymie realizes that.

Perhaps she feels some shame for her behavior, but then again, maybe not. a lot of OWs are absolutely shameless.

Perhaps, if she is the type to feel shame, that was another factor in why she refused to talk to you.

There was no way for her to defend the indefensible and she was not as brave as Richard.

Obviously Richard was willing to stand in your storm because he loved you.

Jaymie had no love for you, she was only hoping to replace you.

I really liked the letter Richard wrote to Jaymie, too, asking for her to meet with you.

It was plain and to the point and appeared to be absolutly devoid on any emotion attached to her.

It almost makes me feel momentarily sad for her. But only momentarily. ;)

Anonymous said...

Gotta love BS's quick replies...filled with putting Richard on a pedastal and jaymie in the trash. Ever wonder if Jaymie never looked back because she finally saw Richard for who he effing was? Some of you wives that stay and reconcile act like you own pink slips to the greatest sports car ever built. I'm sure after reading that email you didn't have to feel bad for jaymie one bit. Trust me BS, shawn did jaymie a HUGE favor by staying. A HUGE ONE.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: You are so far off the mark.
No body is putting Richard on a pedestal. PLEASE! Try as I might, I still can find no excuses for his behavior in a the least.

Do some of us bash Jaymie? Sure. Why not? If I can't find any excuses for Richard, I sure as hell won't find one for her.

You may have one thing right, I did do Jaymie a favor. I made it easier for her to play the victim. She became the poor, young, naive immature girl that was taken advantage of by Richard and then tormented by me. In her mind, after Richard threw her under the bus, and I raked her sorry ass over the coals of Crazy Town, she could claim victim status instead of wearing the scarlet letter of a cheap whore. Guess she owes me a debt of gratitude, huh?
Are you a victim, as well??
Not gonna hug you...Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, trouble in paradise? Jaymie was a victim. A victim of a lying cheating perv who could've been her grandpa. Lied to her, future faked her & who knows what else. Pedo fetish much? As for me no I don't consider myself a victim. I am a male, fortunately never cheated nor have I been cheated on unless you want to count the girl I liked in 3rd grade kissing my best friend on the playground. I just know people who are assoociated with the people written about in this blog. Let's just say Jaymie woke up quickly out of her own fog and happily found someone new. If she would've came back begging then she would've been labeled a "bunny boiler" right? This whole blog is wack-a-doodle and you're so hell bent on winning some boobie prize (Rich) because your shattered self esteem took a fucking nose dive. Being married to this man has made you quite a stand up woman Shawn. Get a grip. You are an emotionally deranged loon.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I'm not sure of your purpose here. Are you here to advocate for Jaymie? If you're her friend, I can understand why you would choose not to see her part in the affair, but if you're gonna comment with venom, expect to be challenged.

Jaymie CHOSE to sleep with a married man. He did not hold a gun to her head. It was HER lack of self esteem that placed her in bed with my husband.

I agree that Jaymie did wake up from the fog and rebound with Geek Boy Kevin in no time. She doesn't do well alone.
Proof: Richard tried to get in her pants while she was still with her previous long term boyfriend, Josh. As soon as Josh dropped her, she decided to drop her drawers for Richard. He was the next available guy that claimed to love her. When Richard tossed her aside, she found Geek Boy. Don't know if they're still together, but if not, I'm sure Jaymie fucked another easy mark so she could feel loved. She needs male attention like most of us need water. That made her an easy target for Richard. A few "I love you"s and some cash, she was more than willing to stroke his ego. (and the rest of him as well) She sent naked pics to him. Sexting daily. Went down on him in his office chair!! Do I need to go on?
She knew exactly what she was doing. She was not a victim. She was a very willing participant.

I am not hell bent on anything but healing myself and maybe helping a few other betrayed spouses at the same time.
You think I'm a deranged loon?? You don't know me, but yet you judge me.
What does that make you? I think it makes you extremely short sighted and ignorant.
You have more to add?? You know where to find me.
`Shawn`

Kate M. said...

I see that yet another guy has been easily manipulated by J's "poor sweet little victim" act. I told you before Shawn, that when I read the stuff Jaymie wrote to Richard (and to you) that I saw her as manipulative. Richard may have manipulated her as well, but this girl-woman had an agenda too. She knew what she was doing. There are always gonna be people like Anonymous who fall for that bullshit.
Often when the OW has been dumped on her ass, she will begin to devalue the married man in order to salvage her pride. I'm sure J has talked all kinds of shit about Richard to her adoring friends. I guess I can understand it in a way... when you've been used and dumped like you deserve to be after knowingly sleeping with a married man... well I guess scraping up the last few scraps of pride you have left is all you can do. Tearing down your affair partner (and his deeply injured wife) is one way to do that, I suppose. Then have your ignorant minions jump on the bandwagon.

Shawn's openness and blatant honesty have helped countless people through the most savage emotional and mental pain of their lives. What Jaymie and other WILLING OW's suffer is nothing compared to what betrayed spouses endure for years. So, please Shawn- allow me to say FUCK YOU to Anonymous and his ilk. Go stick your head back up the ass of the whores you defend and support. You are not wanted here.

steadychevy said...

I don't know the reason Anonymous is lurking around this blog. Before my FWW committed adultery I did not look for sites like this. I did not know they existed. I had better things to do. After DDay I was so thinkful to to find this blog. It lead me to Healing Hearts eventually. The blog gave me something I so deperately needed after my wife confessed. I found it in the wee hours of the morning when I was so desperate for anything to cling to.

Anyone who has followed this blog from the very beginning knows that a lot of what Shawn writes about is also coupled with the advise about what not to do. The things she writes about that she did she indicates actually skowed her down on her "road to happy". He willingness to share and open her heart and soal have certainly helped me (now 7 months post DDay) and from comments from others - has helped many others.

So I really question the motivation of anonymous. If he has not betrayed or has never been betrayed why is he lurking and frantically trying to disrupt. I wish that I did not need the support I get from this blog, Healing Hearts, Surviving Infidelity, countless books and internet sites and a support group. I wish I had that time for other productive things. I need to do this to help me heal, to help my wandering wife heal and maybe to try and salvage my marriage. Get a life Anonymous.

I second what Kate M said.

steadychevy

Anonymous said...

Wow:

I don't want to scare anonymous off but I have to agree with the stated opinion's of other poster's here..., Jaymie was was not a victim. And she was manipulative. She was not a child. She was old enough to know exactly what she was getting into.

She chose to delude herself.

Also, before I was a BS, I never visited blogs like this, so I, too, have to question anonymous's motives for posting here and defending Jaymie so staunchly while berating BS's who are choosing to reconcile.

Is she a relative of Jaymie's?

I saw the manipulative behavior with my husband's ow in the emails, texts, and sleazy porn quality videos of her privates she shamelessley sent to my spouse.

Really is it even good judgement to video text such things?

My husband says he knew the OW was being manipulative, but he was not looking for a women to marry. He was simply looking for the fantasy of easy no-commitment sex.

Both the OW and the OM are wrong to cheat, but the BS's don't care about the OW or OM. So of course we voice our anger at them.

Believe me, we have all also voiced our anger at our spouse's.

But I do think that everyone deserves at least one chance to make amends for a wrong doing. Particularly someone who I have known for a very long time.

Not the OW though, she deserves nothing from me. I don't know her, and I don't want to know her.

Sometimes the OW or OM continue to obsess about their lover after DDay because they wanted more than their lover wanted.

But I agree, being discarded like yesterday's wet newspaper by the sex partner the OW or OM is fool enough to believe actually wants a real relationship with has got to be tough on the discarded person's ego.

Casting themselves as victim can likely be so soothing for the OW or Om that has been unceremoniously dumped, when a cheating spouse returns to their loyal spouse.

So the OWs and OMs posting or lurking here do have my sympathy for a moment. But only a very brief moment for allowing themselves to lapse into such a delusional state of thinking. ;)

It also makes me happy that they actually read my posts, even if I can't fathom their logic for being here.



Anonymous said...

I will agree with the other posters here too. You cannot be a victim when you actively and willingly made your choice to involve yourself with a married person. That was a personal choice, made with full knowledge.

The only thing I will say is that when I read Richard's letter to Jaymie, I thought it was too caring and kind toward Jaymie. He should not be praying for Jaymie's happiness or apologizing for the turmoil in Jaymie's life. He should be indifferent in thought and action about Jaymie. In my view, this was allowing Jaymie the role of victim in this and allowing her to think that Richard had some caring for her still. The only persons deserving an apology, care or concern of any kind from Richard on this whole affair are Shawn and their kids.

Anonymous said...

I usually post as anonymous, but please don't confuse me for the hater of betrayed spouses, and the anonymous poster with his head up his self-righteous, "never-been-there-myself, but I have an opinion anyway," ass. You speak from a place of ignorance, self-admittedly, so why should we consider your opinions of Shawn, Richard, or even Jaymie for that matter? WTF do you know about any of it? My thoughts (because I've been there) and am not biased by a personal relationship with the players in this specific drama are as follows:

You say," Jaymie was a victim. A victim of a lying cheating perv who could've been her grandpa. Lied to her, future faked her & who knows what else. Pedo fetish much?..."

My husband slept with someone younger than us too. Not an uncommon theme for men in midlife crisis apparently. Also not uncommon that they would later admit that the OW wasn't even particuarly attractive, just available. And for whatever selfish reason they go for it because the OW lets them know they can. In my case, while I was home pregnant with our second child. And, while we emotionally struggled with an older son's illness. Yes, it was despicable and gross on so many levels. Humiliating, but mostly for me. But, as much of a problem as I had with it, it doesn't make him or many other cheating spouses a pedophile if you consider a 20 -something girl a consenting adult. And, they are by most definitions an adult, even if they are social morons. But, let's be honest, it's really pathetic on both sides. You were sure to point out the ways that Richard was pathetic and to blame. I have reminded my husband of just how pathetic he was during that time, and he agrees. Make no mistake that we do not give free passes to our cheating spouses on the burden of blame. And, one of our greatest challenges is finding a way to love someone again after they have been that pathetic person. BUT, innocent victim or not, what does willingess to be with Richard say about Jaymie? Richard was only attracted to her at his worst. And, her to him at his worst. She was all too eager to be complicit in the bad decision-making that was the affair; other lives, feelings, committments be-damned. What kind of person finds that attractive? I mean really, according to you, he's old, married, too ashamed to be with her out in the open...at what point do you have to hold her accountable for saying, "that sounds good to me!" Was her head up her ass too? I have no sympathy for her. I blame cheaters, and the OP involved. They are both, at least for that period of time, complete douche bags. In most cases we BS stay because we believe that the douche baggery is not the norm for our spouse. We imagine that it might be true for the OP as well, but don't care enough to know if that was simply out of character for them too, or their norm. At the end of the day, I may have been cheated on (the only victim of these situations is the BS and children involved), but at least I can hold my head high knowing that I have never been ANYBODY'S rock bottom, low point. Anyone willing to accept a relationship on those terms needs to get beyond "poor me" to "what the fuck is wrong with me". Anyone dating said person should do that person (and themselves) a favor and encourage some serious self reflection. If they, or the friends they are surrounded by continue to toe the "victim" line, it will be a very long road to happy for all of you!

TryingHard said...

Shawn

I think your hater is a man who writes a blog about infidelity. He is a cheater and a misogonist. I made the mistake of reading his blog and commenting on it. His words sound very familiar. He calls names and is extremely hateful. I think he's dangerous.

I never went back to his blog because he kept harassing me and calling me names.

Flaca knows about him. He's awful. Don't give this jerk any more airtime.

I go to OW blogs and read for the fun of it but I never comment. What for? They know what low life's they are. I get good information from those blogs. But there is no need for me to admonish or support them.

I think this poster is jealous of all the readers you guys have because his blog is so awful.

Keep posting but enough of this asshole.

kris said...

Girl, I have missed you! So glad you're still writing and I've spent the last hour at work, no less, catching up! Anyway, doingpretty well, yesterday was 3yr anti-versary....and I did remind FWS, and would have loved to remind the homewrecker, but I didn't, karma will get her one day! I hope it's keeps on getting better for us all, one day at a time! Survivor Sister (txkris) from Healing Hearts

Michele said...

I read a few of these types of Blogs and think that by far Shawn's is the most honest and best written one. I have one comment to Mrs. G who can't understand why Jaymie wouldn't talk to you. I think Jaymie did the correct thing. She had nothing to gain by talking to you and in the long run it was best for you as well. It would only have kept you in crazy town longer as now you would have some new speck of information or evidence to obsess over.
I am surprised that no Therapist who knew what you were doing did not try to show you how much you were just hurting yourself.

Looking forward to hearing the ending of your story but I think I can see the writing on the wall.

shawn thewife said...

(((Kris)))!! Survivor, Sister!! I have missed you, too!
I only get to "know" a few of my readers, the ones that post frequently or email me privately. Once I do get a connection, I tend to worry when they drop off the grid.

I worry, but I hope for the best. I hope for recovery, healing and moving on without need for revisiting us here. That is what I wish for all my readers. Come when you need a virtual hug and then get on down that Road to Happy!!

Glad you let the anti-versary go by with out the OW!! Smart move, my friend!
Thanks so much for checking in.
LOTS of Hope & Hugs, Shawn

jessy said...

This day, 5 years ago, my life changed forever. I had my first Dday. 4 years ago, exactly one year after my first Dday, I found out my XH was still cheating on me with the OW and continued their four year LTA. On that day, I told him it was over. I have not seen him again since I told him to leave MY house four years ago.

He called, he texted, he cried. I never gave back in. Four years later, he is still with the OW. I should be angry and bitter about that, but I am not. Every day I am thankful for the fact that the situation I was so suddenly thrown in to without consent allowed me to open up my eyes and see the person he really was....not the person that I tried to make him in to for so many years. The person that I wanted for him to be. I thank the OW because if it wasn't for her, I might still be stuck in a dead end marriage. I now see it as a blessing, very well disguised.

It is not an experience or situation that I wish on anybody because I went to hell and back. I was weak five years ago, but I became stronger than ever four years ago. I will never allow myself to be at that weak, dark place that I found myself in.

BS said...

Jessy:

I am glad you gave your ex the boot.

It was very foolish of him to risk the continuing the affair. The consequence was he lost you forever and deservedly so.

Every situation is different though and in mine, one good thing that came out of my husband's affair is transparency.

He is of his own design more transparent than he has ever been. Moreso than I want or need.

He on his own, actually installed a camera with a 360 view in his car. As well as a GPS on the car and the phone.

He also of his own free will installed a camera in his office. I rarely check it and did not ask him to do that, but he did because he says he understands my distrust.

The transparency and willingness to account for time and prove it, has been extremely healing.

We even have an agreement that he will take a polygraph anytime I wish. I also have a post nup.

I feel more secure in my marriage now than I ever did. He actually suggested the post nup.

Had I left and gone into a new relationship, I know I would have taken my distrust with me. And, I would likely not have the free-willed transparency of time and place, that my remorseful husband now offers.

Had he continued to see the OW for another year, though. I would have filed.

In my case, I was too hypervigilant for that to have happened.

Pre-dday, I was the easy going wife, who never questioned him, and who gave him plenty of space.

But post dday part of the test was that he give up all those freedoms willingly, be accountable or his time and spend the majority of his free time hanging out with me, as he did with the OW.

Some people say what is the point of having to play detective with a spouse, but Dday caused hypervigilance rooted in PTSD and I would have had to play detective with any man I was in a relationship, had I moved on to someone new.

In my case, I actually feel safer in my new marriage than I would in a new relationship.

shawn thewife said...

Jessy: You said you should be angry or bitter about your ex staying with the OW.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you meant...perhaps others might think you should be angry or bitter. You know better, right? By controlling your own future you became stronger, happier and focused on NOW instead of THEN. That must be very empowering.
When a betrayed is able to make the choice to leave or stay and they get to run the show, there should be no bitterness to cloud the recovery.
Just hope and healing and happiness with fresh starts and new beginnings.
I'm so glad you shared your story. It may encourage others to move on from the darkness.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

So, I'm thinking "anonymous" might be one of Jaymie's new Boy Toys! I like how he knows nothing about being betrayed, yet he knows the "proper" way to feel and deal. Poor little 8 year old Jaymie swayed by the big bad grandpa with some candy and a puppy. I'm pretty sure a man who engages in dirty sex-emails with a willing slutty adult woman with a well-practiced talent for adulterous blow jobs doesn't qualify as a pedophile. Well, enough of this... I have to write NASA an email about how to make rockets even though I know nothing about such endeavors. I'm just a troll like that. Love you, Shawn! Keep blogging! From Applejacks.

Amy said...

Dear Shawn,

I started reading your blog around the end of December 2013. I just want you to know that reading through it has contributed to my journey of healing. My husband confessed to an affair on Jan. 23, 2013.

The year 2013, will be forever etched in my mind as a year of grief, sorrow, depression.

You and I have dealt with our husband's affairs in two very different ways, and yet I can relate to everything that you have written about. Thank you, so much, for your complete, unscensored honesty.

In the last two months or so I have finally felt the grief let up and the depression not as frequent or severe. I have realized what I want more than anything in life is personal peace.

I loved what you wrote about what you have gained through this whole ordeal. My husband is more precious to me. We deal more kindly and loving towards each other ( though I do still have moments when I think of what a stupid fool he was for cheating on me!) I, too, feel more compassion now for those in pain, and though I lost the trust I had in my husband, I completely trust God. I know He will take care of me no matter what my husband's future actions may be.

I must say, as a Christian woman, who has attended a baptist church for years; I am a bit irked by Jaymie's pastor. Just because a person holds a title of "pastor" it does not mean they can't have poor judgement at times. And in your case, I felt he judged you poorly.

Anyway, thanks again, for sharing your experience. I will check your blog from time to time. I will pray for your continual healing from the brutal assault that betrayal inflicts on a person's soul.

Sincerely,

Amy