After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Face Off

(Gotta warn you, dear readers...I was a little heavy handed with the Jaymie bashing on this post.  I think the anonymous commenter that defended Jaymie from my last post got under my skin.   It never fails!  Tell me not to do something and I do it double time!!  Whatever.  Bashing Jaymie is harmless, satisfying and if it gets Anonymous riled up...Bonus!)



Don't get it in your head that Jaymie was growing a pair.  Geek Boy Kevin and Daddy James were behind this transformation of sorts.  I was certain of that.  If left to her own devices, Jaymie would have continued to ignore me because facing me meant facing herself.

Not unlike myself, I think she had been Living in the Land of Denial for the past year, too.  Could you blame her?  She had been given the dirt end of a shit stick by a man she begged not to leave her.  He dumped her, shunned her and let me run over her repeatedly.
That's gotta shake your self confidence...that is if she ever had any to begin with.  Dealing with me left the door wide open for her to be Focused on the Rear View Mirror.  Why would she want that?  She had Geek Boy and Daddy James throwing a massive tarp over any reflective surface that examined her part in the affair too closely.

Daddy James and Geek Boy must have convinced Jaymie to put a stop to my "harassment".  What they didn't know was I could not WAIT to get inside a courtroom with the Bitch-Whore!!
A FACE OFF!!  The chance to tell the world (or at least a little piece of El Cajon) on the record how I had been damaged, how I had been brutalized, how I had been betrayed.

If Jaymie was gonna force this Face Off, she had better be prepared for Daddy James and Geek Boy to hear every sordid, sleazy, despicable detail of the time she spent with MY husband.  I was almost giddy thinking about letting it all fly!  Way back when I made A Visit to Casa Jaymie, with my BFF Julie, to pick up all the goodies Richard had so generously given poor, unemployed sudo-hooker Jaymie,  I told Daddy James I had no problem airing Richard's dirty little secrets in court.  If I had to sue Jaymie to get back the swag, I relished the opportunity to shout from the witness chair that my cheating prick of a husband and his precious prostitute of a daughter were fucking every which way and back again.
You think he'd have remembered that.  How could he forget?  I was abundantly clear.
They must have wanted me gone even more than they were concerned about the fitful prospect of meeting me for a final Face Off.  That says something, People.  They were truly tired of being reminded about the truth of the events a full year previous.  Daddy James and Geek Boy wanted to see Jaymie as redeemed from the stupidity of her time spent as a lying, home wrecking tramp.  Time to go all in to make it be all gone.

The first call from the Sheriff's office came right before Julie's wedding on 11/11/11.  (Great anniversary date, right?)  Don't worry!!  I didn't have my phone on during the ceremony, but I did listen to a voicemail right before Julie walked down the aisle, from a deputy scolding me for my... what was the word he used....ridiculous?? I think that was it.  My ridiculous behavior.
I'm telling you it was like he was talking to a 7 year old.  He said something close to, "You don't wanna make me have to serve you with a restraining order.  You should just stop bothering Ms. Simpson.  This behavior is ridiculous."  LOL!!  It was absurd!  This particular deputy didn't think much of Jaymie's complaint.   It seemed like he made the phone call just to shut her up and send her packing.  He obviously had no interest in the paperwork required to even establish a case number.

Here's where I am still confused....I had not attempted to contact Jaymie since 10/25/11.  This is the last email I sent her:

I hear you're leaving soon.  Daddy buying you a trip, huh?  It's good you have someone to pay your way.
I still need to talk to you.  There are too many loose ends, too many question marks, too many holes to fill.
No way I can do it without having a conversation with you.  This will never be over unless I get the answers I need.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to just move on?  Forget the whole sordid mess?  You haven't even sent one email that says. "No!  I won't talk to you.  Never contact me again."  That leaves the door wide open.  Your dad and Kevin slammed the door, but we all know it's not them I need to talk to, even though I would LOVE to share some of what I know about you with them.  
Call me.  Get it over with.  Be done, so you can go on your little trip knowing I'll be nothing but a bad memory when you get back, instead of a shadow hanging over your head.

If you do the math, that's over 2 weeks of no contact before I got the call from the Sheriff.   I hadn't looked at her Facebook page.  I didn't leave any voice mails for Geek Boy to share with her.  I had sent no communication, electronic or otherwise for 17 days!  For the past year, I had rarely let more than a week go by without stirring the proverbial piss pot, but the warning from Sharon about the possibility of a restraining order did give me cause for consideration.  It made me think hard about how far I really wanted to go, so I hit the "contact" pause button.
Why did Jaymie want to go to the Sheriff now?  Why wake the sleeping antagonist?

At this point, it could've gone either way.  The fact that Jaymie was yanking my chain, challenging me, would tend to make you bet on me striking back, right?  I had been determined for over a year to get her to talk to me and in court, that could almost happen.  She might not be talking TO me, but she sure would have to listen.
Or...I might finally be ready to move forward and forget Jaymie ever existed.
As it turned out, just when I was ready to back off, Jaymie geared up for the Face Off.
Game on, Biyotch.

42 comments:

Irish Momento said...

Game on biyatch? Didn't she end up getting that restraining order? Yes so therefore Jaymie scores 1 point. And are you still blogging about it 3 years after it happened? Jaymie scores another point. Is Jaymie still with Kevin? Yes, Jaymie scores another point. Did Jaymie have enough maturity to not get involved in your shennanigans? Yes she did, another point. Did that make Shawny poo turn in to a bat shit loon? Yes it did. Jaymie scores 5 ~ Shawn loses the game & her mind & we all get to witness it. And pussi boy rich is wondering how this has become his life.

BS said...

I loved your post. So edgy. I understand your very sharp edge so well.

It's so sad that Jaymie wasn't brave enough to send you the emails, and to call you to apologize.

I have read that many BS's say that when the OW or OM was brave enough to apologize to the BS for their disrespectful behavior, it helps the BS heal and move on.

I also have read that a lot of cheating spouses end up hating the OW or OM because typically, the spouses who only want an affair are upfront about only wanting an affair, but their OM or OW may claim that's all they want initially, and than later some change their minds and cause problems by wanting more.

In those cases it is not uncommon for the OW or OM to actually out their lover to the respective spouses.

Even when a cheating spouse, who truly only wants an affair, tells the OW or OM they love them, it is still part of the affair bubble fantasy, but some OWs or OMs let their egos get in the way and don't like being dismissed by their lover on Dday.

Anonymous said...

Irish momento, you are seriously on the wrong blog if you see things that way. How can you defend. Jaimie. Yes we get that only unstable, emotionally challenged, and people with no morals get involved in affairs but few people ever see them as victims oh except themselves. She will always be known as a selfish twit. Soooo what did she win other than a bad reputation. Why don't you go play with Jaymie because you and her Will Never win here!!!! We love and support Shawn!!!

Anonymous said...

Irish Momento? Do you mean Memento? Give yourself "0" points for spelling and social skills! ;)

Anonymous said...

The thing I don't understand is all this competition talk with Jaymie. If he wasn't screwing Jaymie, it would've been someone else. And there will be others because there has been others. Shawn I commend you on your hard work and long journey of keeping this man tied down, for now anyway. I think your Crazy Town certainly scared him into being a good little obedient boy, for now. Because if it didn't, who knows how many of our daughters, granddaughters, sisters he'd be schmoozing the panties off right now. You did womankind a favor by staying. Good on ya!

TryingHard said...

OK my question is, Are these restraining orders really legit when you are not physically confronting them only by email or facebook or tweeting. I don't get the restraining order in these cases. Whose to say it wasn't someone else emailing Jaymie, ok well in this case you were signing your name, but what if you hadn't. What if I figured out who Jamie was and started sending her emails. Who would she restrain then? Oh hell ask Richard cause I'm curious. Yes cops call people like you for whom they have NO intentions of ever doing anything just to get the other stupid assholes off their backs. I have cops in my family, I know.

LOL can you believe dumbass Anon created another moniker???? Man he is hell bent on stalking you. This guys a real genius right??

OMG you must have been exhausted by the time you were done with all this crazy town stuff. BTW I'd own up to crazy any day of the week compared to loser whore! I don't know about you but I wear my crazy proudly! Right there with you,don't fuck with me because I am crazy and I know it:)

Irish Momento said...

Dear anonymous,

No, I did not mean memento as in an object kept as a reminder or souvenir of a person or event. I meant momento as in the spanish saying "un momento." Now smack yourself for trying to correct something you were indeed incorrect about. Preferably go sit in a corner with your thumb up your ass and bask in your ignorance.

Anonymous said...

Shawn,
Please post this response to Irish Momento.....

Just a moment....I speak Spanish, and I considered that possibility, but still felt certain given the rest of your obtuse comments that you were just an idiot. Here's some slang for you, "estas un malcriado" as they say in Peru....I hope Shawn bans your annoying ass from commenting here again. I'm ready to get back to the love and support offered on this site,not your unwelcome negativity. Please stop trying to hijack this story....Nos vemos!

P.S. And you still get "un grande O por sus habilidades sociales, si esta Momento o Memento"!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Irish for a moment...or whatever you mean to call yourself...you said, "pussi boy rich is wondering how this became his life..."

Really??? What about yours? You said earlier that you've never cheated or been cheated on....So, let me get this straight, you're just lurking around on these betrayed spouse blogs to defend the innocence of skanks like Jaymie? Or, you know Jaymie personally and she has asked you to defend her on this site and you were eager to waste your time doing it? Or you're just so lonely and nasty that you sit around and anxiously check the days' posts to launch a counter-attack on people that have decided to show their signifcant others compassion after betrayal? Decided to keep their families together and find love again? If he's like my husband, I would say that Richard is probably thankful for the opportunity to right a wrong...not nostalgic about the days that he squandered with J-Whore. You should get a life and quit speculating on what Richard or any of us think about ours!

BS said...

Hi All:

I also think Shawn should wear her temporary crazytown trip proud, too. She has helped so many here with her blog.

As for Irish Momento.....let her/him continue to post here under his various "anonymous" names.

It gives people an eye-opening glimpse into the psychopathic mind set.

Psychopaths are incapable of empathy and they never learn from punishment. They also have no shame.

And, sadly, their visit to crazy town is permanent. It never ends because it is a part of their DNA.

If Irish Momento is an angry OW or OM, he/she was pumped and dumped, and he/she has got to be hurting.

If she's a friend of Jaymies, rather than Jaymie herself, than jaymie is lucky to have such a loyal friend.

Jaymie likely needs a friend. It has got to be tough to be pumped and dumped like a broken sex toy.

What did she expect when she was having an affair.

Anonymous said...

It seems like OW/OM bashing by betrayed spouses like ourselves, even if done on this forum, really hits a nerve with Irish Momento or the other anomyomous posters that attack you Shawn. Why is that so? I consider this forum a semi-public conversation among various individuals that enter this space to have such a conversation, in the open of cyber-space. If you don't like the conversation, don't walk into the room. By the way, I've never considered my need to bash the OW among friends to be nearly as damning as what the OW did to me and my family. I don't think that it makes me crazy. After all, I would say these things to her face; and I think there is more itegrity in that, over the sneaky, conniving, scheming attempts to ruin somebody else's life and family that she engaged in without shame or even out in the open. Then when all the shit hit the fan, and it was in the open; she remained hidden in anonymity....never responding to my attempts to humanize her, talk to her, or confront the fallout of all those lives impacted (I have young children). That to me is reprehensible. Not too many people in this world can avoid accontability like that. They are not to be admired....they are losers.

shawn thewife said...

Oh Geez....Irish Momento!!?? You gotta be kidding me. I guess that's better than hiding behind anonymous.
I let your posts be published because I try very hard to let MOST opinions be available to all my readers. But I'm about done with you unless you wanna state why you're here, disrupting the conversation and the healing that many of us crave.
You say your Jaymie's friend. If that's the case, I am pretty damn sure she wouldn't want you lurking around, getting a bunch of betrayed spouses all fired up! And...if Jaymie really is still with Geek Boy, as you say, I bet your behavior here would piss off his scrawny ass, too! All it would take is for just one of my readers to post your comments on Jaymie's Facebook page, then you'd be busted, asshole. Ever think of that?

If you have real questions about what happened while I traveled through Crazy Town, please feel free to ask away. If you're just here to defend your friend, you might wanna rethink that plan.
There's lots of blogs out there. Try looking for one that caters to people that need to get a life. You might truly benefit from a blog like that.
`shawn`

shawn thewife said...

To the anonymous that doesn't understand the "competition talk" with Jaymie.

I don't understand what you mean by "competition talk". If you mean the Jaymie bashing...I admit, it's a bit childish, but who does it hurt? Nobody. Please note... I've called Richard lots of less than flattering things on my blog as well. All the names are just me letting off a little steam. It is nothing more than a momentary poison purging. And once in a while, it can be funny. I enjoy funny.

About your thoughts on Richard. He didn't stay because I scared him while I traveled through Crazy Town. While I was Crazy he was scared because he thought I'd leave him. He became a "Good Boy" because he hated what he did, not because of anything I did.

I can't accept your insincere gratitude because you have it all wrong. I didn't tie Richard down. A betrayed spouse can't change a cheater. The cheaters have to change themselves. That's the only way for a marriage broken by infidelity to heal.
If you wanna share your story and adjust your attitude, I'll have Hope & Hugs for you later.
`shawn`

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: Restraining orders are different in nearly every state. I honestly don't think emails or voicemails constitute harassment, but I'm not sure. I never had to find out. Lots of people troll Facebook pages, send emails and Tweet away anonymously saying all sorts of cruel shit. Bullying is rampant. Hell, if that's harassment, I get harassed on this blog every day. Irish Momento is a hater I allowed to comment. Some of the other gigantic assholes go straight to the trash.

I would guess if I ever threatened Jaymie, that would have been a hop, skip and a jump over the legal limit. I never did anything of the sort.
I will share what happened when I went to court soon.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BetterEveryDay said...

OMG... you (last anonymous poster) are so very right!! None of the BWs who post here are defending their husbands' actions, but if he is remorseful and honestly ready to leave that kind of behavior behind, then why do people like "Irish Whatever" feel the need criticize?!?

Like you, the OW that attached herself to my husband and considered him the ticket out of her unhappy marriage, never responded to me or apologized in any way, shape or form. And this is a woman that I KNEW!... who worked with my husband and befriended me and our children. She, like the whore that your husband was involved with, was given the gift of anonymity by ME. I decided not to tell her husband or children because, as satisfying as it would have been to drag her crazy ass through the mud, I did not want to risk possible retaliation from her or her dysfunctional family.

Three years down the road, our family is forever scarred but we have moved on. Our adult children will never look at their father the same way again, and that is the cross that he will have to bear. Our children have definitely seen how NOT to behave in their own relationships, and that marriage is not always smooth sailing. But they also see in their parents a couple that has weathered the storm. I can honestly say that after nearly 40 years together we have never been more in love, or more grateful for each other.

So kudos to you Shawn for keeping this an open forum, even while you are being besieged by hateful comments from mindless trolls. We who are betrayed and are rebuilding something better with our husbands can let these shit comments roll right off of our collective backs…

Anonymous said...

I don't think Jaymie is "lucky" to have such a "loyal" friend. All Jaymie has are enabler friends. A true friend wants you to be the best person you can be. A true friend would want to help Jaymie see the error of her ways. He would help and support her to become a better person and to amend her wrongs. Help her do that. The same as her pastor should have done. Supporting Jaymie at the cost of innocent victims is about the equivalent of being a paid whore. Jaymie was not a hurt child. I have daughters just younger than her that have years more sense. The only children hurt in this mess were Shawn's. That is just some more of Richard and Jaymie's abuse.
To really help Jaymie, or Richard, or my husband or another wayward or other woman, show they how to act with integrity. Cheating is ALWAYS wrong. If you are not happy in a marriage, get out. If you want to be with someone who is married to another, wait until they get out. The Golden Rule, it is that simple.

Tangerine

Anonymous said...

Jaymie cried, begged, and pleaded(literally on her knees) for a married man to stay with her. Pathetic. Loss of one point. Married man still chose the "bat shit loon" over her. Ouch. Loss of another point. As mentioned, a LOT of other women in affairs dredge up a shred of morality and apologize for their part in adultery- Jaymie chose to flee from responsibility. Loss of another point. Jaymie had daddy do all the dirty work. Loss of another point. From what I hear about Geek Boy, I hardly consider her still being with him as a "plus" point, but we'll stick with that just for continuity sake. She can't be alone for 5 minutes- she's a serial relationshipper and it doesn't matter with whom or who it hurts. I can't say I blame her. If I were Jaymie and only had myself for company I'd hate it, too. So loss of another point.
Shawn took a very hurtful situation, about which you admittedly know NOTHING, and turned it into a healing experience, not only for her but for betrayed spouses everywhere. Point for her. She has the hoo-haw (I know the expression should say she has the balls, but we all know that balls don't equate bravery)to admit that she went to Crazy Town, and she publishes the ugly side for all to see and learn from. Another point for her. This pathetic man, as you call him, still chose Looney Tunes over Whiney Skank, so another point for her. She doesn't need a man to fund her, fawn over her, and validate her in order to feel whole. Another point. Man, I'd say Shawn is kicking Jaymie's butt in this "game" that you so thoughtfully decided to rack up points for. Oh, and Jaymie's friends, who stick up for her on a blog about healing from the damage that SHE helped cause, well, they are stupid and clueless in the aftermath of an affair and yet they feel the need to comment anyway. So she loses another point just for associating with idiots. (Applejacks)

Anonymous said...

I am guessing here, but think that a lot of OM and OW tell themselves that the betrayal does not belong to them, that it is between the spouses who must be having problems regardless.

But, OM and OW forget something with this mindset. If you are going to have an intimate relationship with a married person, you should have the integrity to insist that the unknowing spouse is told about the intimate relationship before it ever becomes an intimate relationship. There are three people involved here, maybe four, and all have a right to make informed decisions based on truth.

If secrets are kept, and you are part of those secrets, you too are acting without integrity and honor. If the potential wayward spouse insists upon keeping it a secret, why do you think they might do that?

If for no other reason than self-respect and self-preservation, insisting on no secrets between the spouses before anything ever happens, making the potential wayward spouse have to truly decide before embarking on this path, is within the power of the OM and OW. The fact that the OM or OW does not insist that this occur, speaks more about their lack of self-respect and integrity than anything else. TL xx

Mary said...

I do respect everyone's opinion and have learned a great deal reading this blog, other blogs and the healing heart forums but with all due respect, why are people acting like Jaymie & Shawn were/are fighting over some magnificant valuable prize Bob Barker was presenting?

With all due respect, I'd love to think Shawn chose Richard, not the other way around. Richard betrayed her for God knows how long with God knows how many OW. He's only admitted to 3 or 4 ow.

This man is NO prize. This man isn't some greater superior being who walks around handing women their value deeming them worthy or unworthy. No woman on God's green earth should be proud to say she was "picked" by a disloyal dishonest man of his character. Please spare us.

My MC is great. She said, your husband cheated on you for 3 years. During that 3 years you didn't have a choice, but guess what, now you do. You decide what you will tolerate and what you won't from here on out. The power is in your hands. YOUR CHOICE, not his.

I'd like think Shawn is smart enough to not "compete" for this man as he is unworthy of competition. People who are in reconciliation need to remember that you chose your marriage OR you chose to leave - from here on out, guess who gets to do the picking...we do!

shawn thewife said...

Mary: You make an excellent point. Richard was never a prize for me to win. The only time I felt like he might be "choosing" between me and Jaymie was on DDay. His selfish foggy mindset wanted one more night between Jaymie's legs. I wrote about it on my post "the Flinch".

Many times he told me he always wanted to come home. Actually, each time after banging Jaymie, he said he couldn't wait to come home. The guilt was ever present even while narcissism ruled.
So, yea...the man is no prize to be won or lost.

He didn't choose me and I didn't choose him.
I chose our marriage.
I made all the choices after DDay. Unfortunately, some of those were not so great, but staying with Richard is working out for me. :-)
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Irish Momento: Not a chance in hell I'm gonna publish your last comment. I gave you numerous chances to have a constructive, civil debate. You just sank to name calling and immature hot air.
That's chicken shit and I won't have it.

We don't care who you are. Your opinions are woefully uninformed and we have no use for you UNLESS you want to add something to our conversation that allows for discussion without the snarky crappolla.

I will warn you again because in your words, I'm slick like that, I never said I would post to Jaymie's FB page. You're right. I have less than zero interest. But, there are many readers here that just might be inclined to out your sorry butt. I hope not, but cyberspace is unpredictable at best. Plus....Jaymie knows about my blog. She could be reading. Do you really want her to know you are beating on a nest of angry bees on her behalf? Bet she'd just love that...NOT!

You are not doing her any favors here. If you still have unresolved issues with me....here's my email address.
Utilize it.
shawnthewife@aol.com
Jaymie's behavior was indefensible. Give it up.
`shawn`

BS said...

Mary:

I agree. Cheaters are no prize and your post makes excellent points, in general.

I don't see, however, that Shawn or anyone here has suggested that Richard or any cheating spouse man or woman, is a Prize.

I do think that notion of the wife competing with the OW is a common stereotype of a spouse that stays with a cheater, though, albeit an unfair and inaccurate one.

I agree with Shawn, most BS's choose their marriage, even though the urge to hurt the cheater by leaving him or her is strong.

A revenge affair would not have hurt my husband, but leaving him would have. It was not what he wanted, ever.

Everyone's situation is different, but to my mind, it would have been so much easier for me to leave and never look back.

I chose my marriage, as did Shawn, and so did our respective spouses.

It would also have been easy for my husband or Richard to simply continue their relationships with the OW, rather than endeavor to work on the marriage. Our spouses also chose the marriage.

It seems that both OWs respectively were still interested.

Most psychologists dealing with infidelity often note in their books or writings, that after an affair, once the affair fog wears off for the cheater, it is the betrayed spouse who is calling the shots going forward.

The cheater realizes that the affair was a silly fantasy, and wants to stay married to their real world comfortable, predictable love.

As you noted, it is the Betrayed spouse who decides whether to stay or go, at that point.

Also a recent study validates, as many marriage counselors have long stated, that when a spouse leaves a long time marriage for an affair partner, they typically end up regretting it, once the lust wears off.

As one psychologist put it, the honesty and commitment and comfort of a long term relationship, can look even more hot and sexy in hindsight, than lust in the dust.

It's sad that so many cheaters do not realize that until too much damage is done, or it's too late.


Anonymous said...

Yes here it is clearly Shawn who is calling the shots.

The language she uses on a public webpage, yeah its her blog , but open to all, to describe Richard and his actions its definitely her all the way.

Shawn says she chose the marriage and not Richard.A marriage where you talk S@#%^ about your husband..not that Richard doesnt deserve that but what sort of a marriage is this?

The husband is a serial cheater , doesnt want to give up the comforts of marriage, both are together , the wife spouts venom even after three years and the marriage is "better"? Seriously?

Shawns anger is perfectly justified and understandable but then why does she choose to stay?

Or is "marriage" something where who or how the husband is doesnt matter?

Or when one carries so much anger and yet the marriage is better?

Wonder then how it was before all this .

BS said...

Dear anonymous.

Yes. Marriage is a lot of work. In today's society too many people fail to realize that going into a marriage. That is why so many fail.

And, yes, my dear, married people who are normal and honest get angry at each other..... sometimes, it's quite normal.

The healthy couples recognize this and can express their anger as well as discuss it.

This normal occasional anger, and the ability to process it and discuss it normally, is often the topic of marriage workshops and encounters.

YOu might read the book passionate marriage by david Schnarch, PHD., to help you understand the realities of a real marriage.

In the book he discusses normal marital hatred and sadism.

It's normal and common. Although only healthy well adjusted couples can process it and discuss it or even be willing to recognize it.

And in the marriages that last people, yes, gasp..... people do accept their spouses faults, as long as they are willing to acknowledge them and work on changing them.

Dear anonymous, my guess is you are either very young, or in a lot of pain from a recent divorce from a cheating spouse.

Studies also show that five years after a divorce FOR ANY REASON, most people regret it, and wish they had stayed and worked to improve the marriage they bailed on.

All marriages have problems and difficulties.

Intelligent people realize that the grass is rarely greener on the other side, and work on improving their existing marriage.

My marriage is far better for me now. That improveent is directly related to my husband cheating, almost losing me, and then seeking counseling to finally see his many faults.

Seeing his faults has changed him for the better. And, as a result my life is easier, now. Far easier.

Do we still get angry and fight.....of course. That's the reality of any marriage. The difference is now we no longer carry the anger alone. We can both communicate better and the anger rather than growing unchecked, is addressed.

Too many people have a rainbows and kittens fantasy of marriage and think it will stay in the honeymoon phase forever.

The reality is marriage is work.

I see that Shawn and Richard have both realized that point, and like my marriage, I have no doubt their marriage is a better one.

It's interesting that you think you know Shawn's reality better than she does.

How is that possible? Is it even realistic to claim you can feel what someone else feels?

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: You pose many questions, but I think all of them boil down to this...you asked:
"Shawns anger is perfectly justified and understandable but then why does she choose to stay?"

I stayed because Richard is a very good man that did a horrible thing. He readily accepts all the blame for his actions and even for all the Crazy Town shit I pulled. He is such a better man today. He's not perfect. He's human. And, even though some may beg to differ....deserving of another chance. I have been married to this man for well over half of my life. The marriage deserved another chance, too.

I am not carrying anger. I write to process the pain and let it go. I write to seek the comfort of others that understand my struggle. I write to offer support to those that might be in crisis with few places to turn for solace.

I don't write because our marriage sucked pre-DDay. Our marriage was wonderful. I don't write to punish Richard. He does that all by himself.
It's pretty simple. I write about what happened, how I felt then, how I behaved, to learn from it all. If we can't learn and grow from our mistakes, all the trauma we survived would be for naught.

My marriage is better because we learned.
Try to read the blog with hope in your heart instead of negativity and disapproval. You might learn something, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

workingsohard said...

Shawn, I am a BS 6 months post D-day. I am choosing my marriage every day. I have not gone to the crazy town you went to BECAUSE of your blog. I come back regularly to see if you have written again. These haters that write on here are awful and don't have a clue as to the devastating hurt we have/are enduring. It would be easier to divorce. Staying is the single strongest thing a BS can do. My counsellor lost her son to suicide and firmly argues that this heartache is worse. All the points are yours Shawn-if you needed any, but you don't. You have helped me and I am sure many others. Jaymie and Jennifer Conditt(my OW) can fall off a cliff in their disgusting world but there is no place for them in ours ever again. Thank you for being so brave Shawn.

shawn thewife said...

Workingsohard: Thank you for the kind words. I'm very glad to hear you avoided Crazy Town. It is not a healing place to be.

True...the haters don't understand our struggle. Unless you have been betrayed, I can't imagine how anyone could. Maybe if they keep reading, they'll find compassion.

I disagree with you on one point....that reconciliation is harder than divorce. I don't buy into that. There is no easy Road back to Happy after DDay. They all suck hard. Heartache comes in many forms. I don't believe my pain is worse than any other betrayed spouse. I'm trying to learn to be sympathetic to all.

Thanks for reading and commenting. All the best to you on your Road to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

workingsohard said...

Sorry! I actually wasn't really thinking about anyone else's pain when I made the comparison of divorce or reconciliation-just drowning in my own. Having one of those BAD days where I don't know if I will ever survive this and what in the heck can I do to make it stop! I chose my marriage, leaving isn't an option but in the BAD days it sometimes looks easier than this.

TryingHard said...

WorkingSoHard
I'm sorry you are suffering so. It is hard to accept. I'm 3 years out and I remember how you feel like it was yesterday.

I promise you, it will get better. It takes time and you have to do productive things during that time, but it's worth it.

Your marriage may not make it and maybe it will BUT you will be fine. Keep working on yourself first, then the relationship.

Hang in there sister :)

drella said...

In my experience, the pain didn't ever stop til I decided to leave and start a new life and that was with my ex putting 100% in and being 100% transparent. Of course I didn't have kids so that was a bonus. I knew I had more life to live without him in it. Our love was tainted and I didn't want that for me. Nothing like being free and starting a new life.

Tina said...

@workingsohard-

I totally relate to your comment about reconciliation vs divorce. Like you, I chose my marriage, but there are days that divorce looks like the "easy" way out. This whole 2 steps forward, 1 step back dance that I seem to do makes divorce look like a cake walk. But, then I think about how even if we got divorced, I would still have to deal with my husband on a regular basis because of our daughter, and I think about how hard that would be. Because, even though sometimes I look at him and really believe that I hate him for what he did, I know that I still love him. And ultimately, that is what motivates me to keep choosing my marriage. In a situation like this, there is no "easy" way out. The plus side of reconciliation and doing the hard work is that you can come out of it (with battle scars) a happier, healthier unit. For me, the only "plus" side of divorce is closure. Not happiness, just peace of mind that I am 100% sure my husband won't hurt me to the core again....

BS said...


workingsohard

In the early days of dday divorce also seemed to be a way easier option for me.

I would have gotten half of all our assets and life-time alimony because of my contribution two investing in two start-up business as well as continuing education for him.

I lived on my own prior to marriage and was quite happy being alone in my own company or that of my friends. So divorcing and being out on my own did not scare me.

For me, at first, staying did seem to be much harder than simply moving on.

Choosing to stay and work on the marriage was an agonizingly difficult choice I made daily in the early days.

For some, however, divorce may be more painful.

In the end, I am now glad I stayed. My husband has changed for the better. So have I in many ways that benefit me, as well as him.

The ways that benefit me include that I am no longer the oh-so-careful-with-my-spending, easy going, cool, go-out-with-the-guys-if-you-wish, naive wife I was.

I woke up and realize that being the frugal wife, made it too easy for him to find cash to spend on the high-maintenance OW, and allowing him to go out with the boys or on boys' only vacations, gave him too much free time away, without rousing my suspicions.

Still, my husband does not seem to mind that I have set very strict boundaries for him and I have changed my spending habits.

He recently remarked that he doesn't even miss the boys' nights out or trips. And, he is glad that I have become more easy going with my spending. Weird huh!

He actually seems content.

Maybe he simply had to get some ya ya's out.

My MC also talked about sometimes men spend on the OW because their own wives' will not in her words..."receive their gifts"

She claims men like to spend their money on women in their lives. It makes them feel manly. Perhaps it's vestige from their hunter-gatherer instincts.

I was always too cautious with our spending because I wanted to make his life easier. But the reality was, I made things too easy for him to cheat. Stupid me.

Lesson learned. So, I figured I would pass on my new found knowledge to all reading here.

elladisenchanted said...

Thank you all so much for the support. This is the first someone has encouraged me that actually knows what I am going thru. More comfort than I can even tell you.
BS-I think I will go shopping ;) thanks.
Workingsohard

Kate M. said...

Workingsohard (or is it elladisenchanted now? love that!)- it is so comforting to feel understood, isn't it? People who've never experienced infidelity from our perspective can't begin to conceive of how stunningly painful it is, no matter how empathetic they may be by nature. It's such an incredible shock to one's psyche. I've always considered myself to be very empathetic, someone who consciously tries to put myself in another's shoes in order to understand them, but this.... there's just no way to be prepared for the damage this kind of betrayal does to a person. I was always strong, somewhat independent even within the marriage, open-minded and not controlling at all. I thought I could handle just about anything. But this shook me to my very core.

Thank god for the internet. Being able to reach out and find others who truly 'get it' has made all the difference for me. I hope it does the same for you.

And while I'm here: steadychevy, if you're out there... I often mean to say something in response to your comments but somehow never do. In truth, I read much more than I 'speak.' Sometimes I'm unable to find words. Anyway, I just want to say that I appreciate your presence here and value what you share, as I do so many others.

And Shawn: I dig this post, sharp edges and all. I can never thank you enough for all you do (and sometimes endure) to help so many.

(((((Group hug)))))

TryingHard said...

Working So Hard
One thing I found helpful, and I can't remember where I saw it because I have read countless books, articles, podcasts, is to write a list of things you are angry about the affair. Don't just put a whole blanket term to the affair. Detail the list ie, I'm angry that you bought her a valentine card, time you spent with her on Christmas, having sex with her, etc. in other words they just can't apologize for the affair as a whole and expect you to get over it. There will be times that the affair will come to mind. Some stupid tiny detail and it will set you off back into all the emotional stages all over again. You can show the list to him for discussion but more it's for you so you can deal with every aspect of his betrayal.

Once you get it out and on paper when that thought comes to you, you can tell yourself, he wait I've already processed that, even talked to him about it, and you can tell yourself you're not going to deal with it again.

You will probably find yourself adding to that list for a while but it is a way of dealing with the details.

Also make a list of what you'd like to do for yourself, to make you a better, happier, stronger person. Someone who has her own interests that you can bring to a marriage. Don't put him front and center. While you must work on your relationship if that's what you want to do is stay, I believe you must keep the option of leaving and preparing yourself for that possibility. It may be your decision to leave or it may be his and I don't care how far down the road to recovery you are at and can even be blissfully happy together in the marriage , people Chang and change their minds.

This is a tough thing to deal with and we all have our own ways. Not one is better than the other but it is the cards we are dealt and we must do what is right for us as individuals.

I respect each person, whether they chose to stay in the marriage or leave it. I do know I have faith in my fellow sisters of this really shitty club to be smart, capable women who will make the best and wisest decisions for themselves and their families. We betrayed are the glue and the smart ones who will always come out ahead no matter what decisions we make.

You can do it and you will be even better than before.

steadychevy said...

Thankyou, TryingHard, for the idea of the list. I never thought of it and I live by lists. My daughter have said that noone can outlist my dad. The blanket " I am so sorry for..." don't really cut it. IT is sure better than nothing but seems inadequate. Unfortuanately, the list will be long and items on it may need to be revisited many time before they can be stomped into the dust. Yhank you.

Thank you Kate M. I am here. I have been mostly lurking. I usually look at several of the posting boards and the blog everday. I haven't been posting much anywhere for a little while. Just seem to be out of steam. Seem to be on a runaway today though. Posting on several boards.

Like you, Kate M, I thought myself strong. Others did too. Strong, dependable, steadfast, like a rock. I have been the president of my professional association and on several boards of directors (on 2 right now). I do have a soft spot though - cry at movies or sad stories. I ranch and part of the duties is occassionally putting animals down. I cry everytime. But a strong dependable person until I fell apart on DDay. Total devastation. Tried to commit suicide (half hearted maybe - unsuccessful anyway). Couldn't function, couldn't breathe, all the symptoms all of you are too familiar with.

Again, like you Kate M., thank God for the internet. I found Shawn's blog and read it from beginning to end and keep up with it. She lead me to Healing Hearts which lead me to a BAN support group a couple of hours away in the nearest city. All of those people who are simply trying to make sense out of the senseless, telling their stories, posting their experiences, providing support and empathy and understanding are so valuable to us all.

I wish I continued to live in blissful ignorance that these sites even existed because I did not need them. But I don't and I am so thankful they were here when I was so desparate for something to cling to and that they are here still as I move forward to whatever result (still unknown) I will finally have. Thank you all

TryingHard said...

The lists I was referring to is not to enumerate his transgressions, it is for you to deal with each aspect of the betrayal, and yes these lists can get quite extensive and constantly revisited. The list is for you to look at, and process, and if you need to, discuss with him how his actions affected you.

Once it's all out and most importantly out of your head, you can heal and move on. Sometimes the most inane and trivial detail can pop up at the worst time and return over and over. That is your brain telling you that you need to deal with it because it is affecting something deep in your psyche.

These are just some things I have done that has helped me personally to get through the mess of all the lies, deceit, gas-lighting, of the betrayal.

I agree the blanket "I'm sorry I had an affair" just doesn't cut it. He needs to see and own up what kind of pain he is responsible for that he intentionally inflicted on you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn:

Wow its been a while since I've read your blog and here you are again having to defend yourself from Anonymous aka Irish Momento.

But you know what? That's what makes your blog so unique and wonderful. You allow us into your life, your pain and you paint each page perfectly with your feelings. You are an incredibly strong women, incredibly strong.

Allowing anonymous comments challenges you and you always come out on top in those "Momentos" (uh, isn't that a mint too?). Anyway, you are on recovery road already. Your just documenting that road to help others. I'm sure others will have to deal with Mementos of there own. Seeing how you deal with them and the support you get in doing so only makes your blog so much more helpful.

You're here for a reason, don't ever forget that.

Appreciate you and all you share.
-L-

elladisenchanted said...

Okay this club just sucks but I am so thankful you all are here talking about this. No one understands how I feel or what I am going thru except here. There is some sick comfort in that. I think the list idea is great. I am going to try that for sure.
You all talked about blogs, books etc. that you read. I found Shawn and then Betrayed Wive's Club. Where else should I read? Looked for a BAN group but there ant one anywhere close to me.

shawn thewife said...

elladisenchanted: Please try the Healing Heart message boards. It is a small group of very caring, compassionate and non-judgmental people that get it. They offer support, advice and comfort.
The link is on the bottom of my blog.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

-L-: You are very kind. I still say this blog and the faithful readers have helped me way more than I can ever help them.
And Momento...water off a duck.
I'm a betrayed wife...a real survivor.
Trolls like that barely ruffle my feathers.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Loop said...

TryingHard - thank you for the list idea! I have so many hurts rolling over me it's hard to 'keep track' of them. I understand it isn't meant to be a list of the ways he failed me - more of a chance for me to see how far down the hurt goes and to see when I've made some progress back up.

And Shawn, as always - thanks for being here.