After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

15 Minutes of Good Advice

A member of the Healing Heart shared this today.  I had to pass it along.  As weird as it sounds, this is 15 minutes of solid advice on what to do after DDay.
Who in the hell knew you could get a great therapy session on YouTube for free!?  Granted, it truly speaks to the need in our society for all things "fast".  Go figure...getting our counseling on line.  Maybe soon, we'll be able to find support at a drive through, hopefully with fries and a shake or at the very least, an awesome Latte'.


I almost hate to admit it but this lady is straight up, spot on about infidelity!  She lays it all at the feet of the betrayers, right where it belongs!  If you want a quicky jump start to healing...here ya go.  This is a whole lotta info right on your computer screen.
Tracey Cox: Sex Talk

Lemme know what you think!

9 comments:

Eat My Scabs said...

interesting

shawn thewife said...

Scabs: interesting good? Or interesting lame?
I know it's not as deep as Freud or as poetic as Shakespeare, but I think for a quickie info-mercial she really gets it. I was surprised by the fact that I found myself nodding my head most of the way through the video.

Anonymous said...

This was pretty concise and covered a lot of bases. Interestingly, Andrew Marshall's book, "How Can I Ever Trust You Again?" was the first book (of many) I bought right after discovery. We read it together and it helped me realize that my reactions were entirely normal.

Anonymous said...

I liked almost the whole thing. In the beginning few minutes she says people cheat because something is missing at home. Maybe that is true of some but from what I read, people cheat because something is broken inside of them and they are trying to fill it. In my case, my husband has said over and over how happy he was in our marriage. That it was his inability to talk about his feeling of inadequacy professionally, how he felt like he couldn't provide well for his family that made him make the easy choice of taking that shot of sex (as opposed to alcohol or drugs) when it was presented to him all wrapped up in a package of someone who had planned on cheating on her husband from day one of their marriage. So perfect storm of feelings and opportunity. So her saying that something is missing at home, I think, is justification. And that doesn't sit well with me.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I hear you. I have always said that I don't give a rat's furry patootie if something is ""missing" at home. But, I'm gonna cut this chick some slack in that she is only providing a freeze-dried, microwaveable snippet of all adultery encompasses.
I see the generic " missing at home" as what was missing in Richard. Sounds like it was very similar to what was going on with your WH. Richard's self esteem was in the crapper about work, about getting old , about being a selfish asshole! So, yeah...we were missing something, communication!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous that shared about reading all the books...I wish I had read a book! As I look back, I don't think I wanted help. I wanted to act out! I wanted revenge! Only the lovely Dr. K kept me from going totally off the grid of reason.
If only I had been smart enough to surf the web for info sooner. I wasted so much time being angry.
Oh well. Would've, could've, should've....pointless.
At least now we can let others know how much help there is available out there. You sure don't have to suffer alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Regarding the "missing at home" excuse, I think that this is how the cheater justifies the adultery. It is not an excuse for horrible choices.

You're right, Shawn. What's missing at home is honest communication. My husband's excuses were similar to Richards (turning 70, utter selfishness, etc). Throw porn addiction into the mix and his behavior was truly dysfunctional. I still get angry when I think about how often I begged him to communicate with me about his personality changes and what was going on. These attempts were met with anger and hostility and further justified his affair. The lesson we have learned is to check in with our partner frequently about how we're doing.

Anonymous said...

The cut and dry "Reader's Digest" version here was concise, mostly accurate, and for the most part, non-judgmental. I agreed with quite a bit, only really debating a couple of point--such as the ones you ladies have already touched upon.
The one thing that stood out to me was her suggesting that you live apart for a week to see if your partner looks haggard. To me, that seemed to be manipulative. Not the staying apart--just the sense of punishment that she described.
I would never debate that at the time, yes, I would have agreed that my hub deserved it. BUT--I did my best to NOT punish him. It was a daily struggle and several days a failed.
I didn't need him to go away for a week or ten days to see that my pain made him hurt and worry. I saw it everyday--even in small things.
We used to debate over where to eat dinner, what movie to see, or what to do for a day.
He wouldn't even disagree with me over something so trivial for fear I would blow up, say "You F**ked her! I'm done!" and walk away.
Eventually, his lack of spine irritated me and we slowly worked to return to normal.
That is just the smallest of things that existed every single day. I didn't need to punish him for a week straight to see that. He MORE than punished himself--and almost two years later, he still punished himself. Maybe not everyday, but on my bad days he relentlessly beats himself up.
Something that stands out to me and often pops into my head when I'm having a "bad day" are some of the words we said back and forth on DDay. We were on the side of the road when the proverbial shit hit the fan. He turned around and I told him to face me and explain himself because I deserved that much after six years. I deserved that much after what he'd done.
He turned, looked at me and told me I deserved more. I deserved someone who wouldn't have done this to begin with.
Some days, he still tells me that I didn't deserve his affair and that he is grateful to still be here.
I didn't need to shove him out for a week to get that response.
Although after this novel of a comment, which I had to get off my chest (sorry), I realize that not everyone is so lucky--maybe some people do ned that week. I just can't see it.
Sorry for the circular novel argument.
-J

Eat My Scabs said...

interesting good. I think she hit all the major points that a woman needs to hear after she's been cheated on. 15 minutes to survival