Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Chomping at THE BIT. Part 2
I'm merely a betrayed rookie, taking my hits and reaching out to you for back up.
You have generously shared many thoughts with me about my current gut twisting dilemma. Many of your comments and emails have been bouncing around in my feeble brain but I'm afraid I haven't managed to form any solid solutions to the issue at hand. I've worked diligently at dissecting the problem and I think it boils down to...the BIT means Reality Bites!
2 years out from DDay seems like a long time, but it really isn't. Especially when you have had set backs along the way, which I have, most notably...F%#K Fantasy Football. That's when my eyes opened to the fact that Richard was still a liar. Not on the grand scale of his covert life with Jaymie, but at this point in our lives, lying about drinking milk out of the carton is enough to make me catch my breath and swallow REALLY hard.
Some of you think this setback shouldn't be cause for deep concern. Richard would agree with you. Many of you are waving the big ass red flag. I'm in your camp. I don't wanna be. It would be so much easier on my stomach lining to just accept the words coming from my husband's mouth, "This isn't that big a deal. We'll be fine. Don't worry."
When trust is at a premium, you can't spare any for hollow words. You gotta save your minimal stash for actions.
Richard's big action yesterday was to set up an appointment with the lovely Dr. K. He had to rearrange his schedule at work, contact her and bring me into the loop. Substantial effort was made and noted.
He got an ear full in her office! Suffice it to say, she told him without reservation, he fucked up again. He still hasn't learned how to bring up problems in a constructive manner. He waits until something pushes him over the edge or he just acts out and waits for the inevitable shit to hit the fan.
We all know why he's like this. My man goes outta his way...WAY outta his way, to avoid conflict! He's a divorce lawyer, remember?! His entire day at work is heavily laden with animosity, disagreeable personalities and sincere attempts to quash all happiness out of the life of another.
Talk about some bad juju.
Don't get me wrong, Kids! I'm not making excuses for the guy. I'm just telling you that I've thought it through and I get it. The lovely Dr. K has been struggling to help Richard get it for two years. Maybe my old dog can't learn any new tricks. That's a painful lesson for this rookie, indeed.
If Richard can't learn to come to me when something feels wrong, when he needs to vent, I'm gonna forever be walking on egg shells. That would suck. But, that isn't what scares me the most.
What has me losing sleep is that maybe he will never be happy. Maybe he still hates getting old and he feels like he's missing out on something.
Today it's his "unbalanced" life. That was how he described it yesterday. Home, kids, work, us...all good, great even. But he has no life other than that. No friends, no freedom.
What if I drop some of my safety nets? Will that make him happy? If so, for how long? What'll it be next? My heart is beating faster as I type those words because the truth is...I don't think I'm ready to drop any nets just yet because it's a long way down, and the fall would kill me.
He says he's going to start writing down every time he feels like he's chomping at the BIT. He thinks it will help if I can understand the specifics of what he wants. OK. Sounds like a plan.
I so want to believe him! I have to leave town for a week for work. That's hard enough when we are doing well. With him chomping at the BIT, it will be torturous!
This rookie still has so much to learn, many miles to go on my Road to Happy but as of today, I still have on my hiking boots and I'm willing to walk on.