After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Resolve to be Happy

Happy New Year, my friends!
The key word in that greeting is...HAPPY.  All of my resolutions for 2013 revolve around being happy.  Sounds simple enough, right?  But after you've been betrayed, not so much.
After Richard's affair, it was very hard work for me to appreciate all the good in my life when I couldn't stop obsessing about the bad.
Since a year after the affair, when I began this blog and became an active member on The Healing Heart message boards, I have grown exponentially stronger with each passing day.  We all know there are some days, trigger filled, and self-pity laden, that drag you back a notch or two, but I can say with rediscovered inner strength, that those days are becoming the exception, not even close to the rule, for me on my Road to Happy and I am beyond grateful to those of you that have helped me reach this place on my journey.  It is SO much better than where I was two years ago!
I wish that all of you that have so generously joined me in this story of recovery find yourselves on the same path this year.

My resolutions this year should be to quit smoking, lay off the damn doughnuts and exercise from time to time.  Yoga maybe?
All of those things will make me healthy but not any more happy.  I mean, I really like doughnuts!
As I am ever vigilant in seeking to improve my quality of life and acutely aware of my level of joy, (If I make it sound like hard work, well...facts are facts.  Sometimes it's really freakin' hard!) I have found there are a few crucial things to remember and practice often.
Those will be the resolutions I focus on this year.  They are not numerous, but if I over load my to-do list, I doubt that will make me very happy.  :-(

1.  Make a note, mental or otherwise, of the best thing that happens to me each day.  Ask my kids to share the same with me.  If I was counting yesterday, my best thing would have been that my 15 year old son kissed me twice after wishing me a happy new year.  He hugged me, too.  Sweet.
Or...maybe since that happened after midnight it is today's happiest thing.
Oh, well, to stress about your happiest thing will NOT make it your happiest thing so try not to get all OCD about it.

2.  I will TRY to be kind to everyone, even the people that have managed to obtain my UNLISTED phone number to solicit us about life insurance just as I put dinner, that I worked very hard to prepare, on the table so I could enjoy a little time with my family.  I will not tell her she should seek other gainful employment because there is a special place in hell for people that make cold calls asking for money during the dinner hour.  I will thank her for the offer, graciously decline and bid her a good night, smiling all the while, even though she can't see me.  The smile will be for my family waiting patiently for me to begin our evening meal.
(LOL! This already makes me happy, because I just got a visual of THAT actually happening!  ROTF!  No way!  Once my son gets his plate in front of him, the count down starts!  His plate would be empty, and on a good night placed in the sink, then he'd be long gone from the table before I was even able to walk to the phone to answer it!!  Still, it's a fabulous fantasy so I WILL smile.)
Suffice it to say, in the past two years, my fuse has been shorter than I would like.  I'm gonna strive to extend it as much as possible.

And #3:  Find a way to reach out to more of you.  I don't want anyone to have to go through betrayal alone.  It's just too hard.  If it helps anyone at all, I will continue to share my story.  If any of you have ideas of how we can help each other PLEASE share.
You all have helped me.  Since you came into my life, I moved into the fast lane on the Road to Happy.
My readers provide a steady tail wind and push me along with loving thoughts and good wishes.  I hope to do the same for as many betrayed spouses (and we all know there are a shit-ton of us!) as I can.  Paying it forward will make me VERY happy!

That's it.  Notice none of my 3 resolutions require anything from Richard.  He doesn't own my happiness.  I do, 100%.
It kind of makes me happy to realize I get that now.

Sending you Hope, Hugs and a fervent wish for your Happiness in 2013!!
If you'd like to share your resolutions for the coming year, I'd sure love to read them!!


Anonymous said...

Shawn, I really want to thank you for writing your blog. I only discovered it a few weeks ago, but I have been reading it, and the blogs of the others you've mentioned (eg Betrayed Wives Club and Rescuing my Marriage).

I have found them all enormously helpful. It has been 14 months since d day for me, and I have felt so alone until now. I have struggled to find the strength to go on at times, but knowing there are others who understand, even if they're on the other side of the world, gives me some hope.

I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your efforts. Happy new year.


Anonymous said...

Let me thank you first for the wonderful inspiration and hope I felt while reading your blog. I hope all the best for you, and that time bring to our hearts more healing, more happiness, and hopefully the forgiveness I can't still find. Warm Regards, D

kris said...

dude... wrote a whole comment and it went away!! arrgh...
My word last year was HOPE, I'm thinking this year should be GRATEFUL since I have my husband and family, and we are working toward being truly happy after a hellish year. Love ya girl, keep it up! HAPPY 2013!

Flaca said...

happy new year! i'm so happy to read your post and resolution. mine is similar. i am trying to hold on to love, find forgiveness and cherish MY LIFE. i have a good job. i have wonderful kids. i have good health. i have money in the bank. lots of blessings. i try not to give the grinch (aka whore) anymore power over me. am i still hurt, humiliated, and confused? YES! but i know that as a year out I am already winning. the best revenge is to LIVE YOUR LIFE WELL and that is what i pledge to do in 2013. happy new year to YOU and ALL of your Readers!

shawn thewife said...

The first week of 2013 has been pretty damn great. New Years Day with my family, my parents and 99 year old grandpa. 3 days of skiing in mammoth. And 2 days ago I came back to home with the flu. the flu sucks. Nothing great about it, right? Wrong. Through the fever and between the jags of hacking up a lung, I have been so comforted by the kindness, concern and care of Richard and my kiddos that I was able to retain the essence of resolution Numero Uno...acknowledge the good in each day. I have also been VERY good at being nicer. I have made a very sincere effort to count to 10 when I become annoyed instead of launching into a diatribe of the sub-standard IQ of the person causing said annoyance. Honestly...I'm really proud of that!! In case you haven't figured it out by reading my blog, I can be quite a bitch.
I have not, however, been very good at resolution #3...reach out to more of you.
This is the first time my computer has been turned on in a week! I just wanted to check in while the DayQuil has my temp down and let you know I'll be back soon to continue the story. I did leave you at a critical point...Manic Meltdown day. We'll get back to the craziness soon!
Thanks for checking in! I miss you guys!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi all,

My story is very different to all of yours in lots of ways firstly I am not a BW/BH I had a one night stand. That's all it ever would have been or all it ever was. I didn't have any feelings for the person involved, I knew them but not well.

I got caught in the act, I didn't find out to later that evening. My only explanation for this happening was that I was in a very very low emotional state I thought I was losing the one person I ever truly love. Our situation was complicated. In our 18month relationship they had only declared their love once, I knew they meant it, my problem was I craved to hear it, I needed to I'm not sure if I ever told them but I'm sure I did they just found it incredably difficult. They showed me Daily with every touch, look, kiss and things they said yes actions speak louder than words, but I craved those 3 little words I didn't get, at the time if they felt it why couldn't thry express it? Instead they locked it away kept in buried. THey didn't realise the damage this was causing me. THey knew I was down but not too the extent that it was.

Anyways that evening they came over and declared that they knew I told them everything, I mean everything that they wanted to know begged them not to leave they left said it was over. THey are such a calm warm hearted incredable person, they had his faults we all do but they are perfect for me.

Anyways the next 2weeks we communicated every day spoke about everything was more honest than I had ever been about my feelings and what drove me to what I did. THey couldn't understand that if I loved them so much, doted on them, how I could do it. Tbh I don't have that answer myself, all I can say is that I felt awful, guilty throughout I can't say how long it lasted start to finish I switched off was like a motionless empty shell that had no control over my body or actions, as crazy as that sounds only I am accountable for my actions, it was like I was trying to move on from the relationship even tho it was far from over.

I was, still am, a year later, devastated at what I did, I still haven't forgiven myself and never will and its something that I replay to myself daily like a way of toture, I deserve it. Anyways after 2 weeks they decided that we can't be apart. In those 2weeks I did everything I could to prove and support them in the way they felt and actions etc

We are still going strong each day is a struggle still, for me anyway but we are out of the worse communicate more. For 3 months after they said how they felt regularly made a promise to continue to, but it stopped, said it was hard for them but they meant it. I don't feel I can say much seems I lost all trust and I want to build it back slowly each day a tiny bit returns but there is along way to go yet I'm so grateful for that. They told me recently the last year has been the toughest and I'm the main reason they made it through and kept them 'sane' amazing really considering what I did.

I will continue doing what I'm doing showing, proving, supporting and loving them to the day I die and I hope they find away to tell me the 3 words I so long to hear but I can't push for that. I've had low points, lower than before and we spoke about them, I have not felt the need to betray in anyway again and I won't I know in my heart of hearts it's only them and will only ever be them. I'm truly sorry for my actions and regret them. One thing they said they appreciated was that I apologised only once as there was no point in saying over and over as becomes less sincere I agree I try to show in my words and actions.

I found this blog as I wanted to get a better insight into what it was like for the betrayed . They never flew off the handle, yes anger and a few moments of insecurities but mostly we chatted, I hope it's not buried as it will rear its ugly head in time.

Sorry it's long just wanted to share

Love and happiness xx

Bridget said...

I have been reading your blog with ever increasing frustration, if ever there was a woman more in need of a certain Chump Lady's advice it is yours Shawn! Your husband cheated on you FOR YEARS. He has proved, time and again, that he WILL disregard your little family in an instant if there is pushy involved. Please please for the love of God, realize that there is a better and healthier way of enjoying the rest of your life than with the "dull ache, triggers, brain worms". You focused so much on this recent affair you didn't think to ANALYZE THE PATTERN. stop eating his shit sandwiches and for the love of God look up Chump Lady and The Unified Theory of Cake. Your husband is a fantastic actor and an acute cake Eater. I wish you strength in realizing you still DESERVE BETTER THAN A GUY WHO HAS BEEN CHEATING FOR YEARS!

shawn thewife said...

Bridget: Don't be frustrated! I'm certainly not frustrated with all the people that read my blog, assume to know what's best for me and question my decisions! If I can let that roll off my back, you should be able to relax about MY marriage, don't cha think?
I am VERY familiar with Chump Lady. Not a fan. Her philosophical musings pander to a very specific group and that's great for them. But one size does not fit all and judgmental support is worse than none at all. So thanks for the unsolicited advice, but I'm good.
Hope & hugs, Shawn