After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Bringing Mom into the Lurid Loop

It took me a while this morning to remember where I left off in my story.  I told you about my Manic Meltdown nearly 2 months ago.  For those of you that haven't given up on me, here's what happened next:

That day was so hard.  I couldn't string two rational thoughts together.  I had lost focus as well as a filter.  Scattered thoughts almost instantly became irrational actions.  Recalling many of those impulsive actions cause me sincere regret.
I don't know how I made it through work that day.  No way I accomplished anything of substance.  I'm sure Nikki had my back.  She always does.

After what I can only imagine was an extremely turmoil filled, unproductive day, I left to go pick up Richard at his office.  We had planned a date night, but once again, due to unforeseen circumstances, my crazy quotient rising off the charts, without discussing it, we knew the date was cancelled.  As we began the 45 minute drive home, few words were spoken.  After my performance that morning, he must have been scared shitless.  How could he possibly know what I was capable of at this point when I had no idea?  The fluctuation of my emotions was random and excessive.  One minute, I was screaming in the halls of Richard's office, the next I was crying, writing an apology to a member of his staff.  Anger, remorse, anger, remorse, anger, the tide...a never ending cycle.

Without warning (I'm sure Richard wished I had some kind of flashing red light that would signal CAUTION CRAZY AHEAD!) I dialed my mom.  I was gonna type that I "decided" to call MOM, but that isn't accurate.  A decision means there was thought given to the action.  I was all about spontaneity!  As the phone rang on his blue tooth, I announced it was time to bring Mom into the lascivious, lurid loop.  Mom answered and I dropped the bomb. Yuck..more collateral damage.

"Mom, it's me.  I have to tell you something.  Richard cheated on me with a 24 year old girl.  I found out 3 months ago.  Dad knows.  I'm surprised he hasn't talked to you.  Dad doesn't know I know he knows.  Messed up, right?"
"I knew something was wrong!  Are you OK?  Can I do anything? I can't believe your dad knew!"

OOPS!  Threw Dad under the bus along with Richard.  That was wrong, but shrapnel was flying.  Wadda ya gonna do?

"You can't do anything right now, but I just thought you should know.  It was getting too hard to continue the Happy Show.  Richard and I are heading home.  He's here in the car.  He can hear you."
I knew Richard wouldn't want to be left out of this enlightening conversation.
I snicker thinking about how good I was at hurting him.  I had such a scary evil streak.

Mom replied that she had nothing to say to him right now, but she was glad I told her about the situation and she hoped I'd call her later.  Richard would have to wait to face her.  All you moms out there know what happens to someone that hurts your child.  Richard knew even though Mom spared him a tongue lashing in the car, she was gonna rip him a big new one later.   She just gave him time to think about what was coming.  Well played, Mom.

We said our goodbyes.  I think I was crying because Mom had been so calm and comforting.  For three months I had worried about her interfering if she knew the horrible truth.  She came through in the clutch.  Turns out, no matter how old we are, we still need our Mommies.

The rest of the ride home is a blur.  Often I'm amazed I remember as much as I do.  Most of my friends will attest to the fact that my memory is like a sponge.  I absorb a lot , but the info doesn't last long in there.  I do remember what happened when I got home.  I felt like a caged animal.  I wanted out!  I needed to get away from Richard for a few days.  I didn't want to hear his voice, see his face or even know he was in the same zip code!  I began calling local hotels for room prices.
When I threw his ass out, he stayed at a Marriott Suites with Jaymie and a seedy local motel for the next few nights.  I was looking for something a little more upscale.  As I called, searching for a room with the creature comforts I desired, my mom called to check on me.  I told her my plans.  I wanted to leave for the weekend.

Mom to the rescue!!
"I'll call my casino host and get you a room at Barona! It won't cost you a penny!"
Great!  A free room at the place Richard took Jaymie to FUCK in the afternoons!  It seemed like Kismet somehow.  What better place to contemplate my future with my cheating husband than where the cheating took place?  I already did the Tour de Trauma, this was just a continuation of the trip.
I took her up on her offer and I went to pack a bag.  Didn't need much. My plan was to drink a lot and spend copious amounts of money on room service and spa treatments.
Richard agreed I needed some time to myself, but his face told me he thought this was the beginning of the end.  He was squirming.
This weekend away was looking better and better.


Kari said...

Shawn, thanks for continuing to tell your story. Telling parents is something I am still struggling with. It's a decision I teter totter on all the time. I'm 10 months post DDay, and I still contemplate telling my parents. Some days I think I'm just going to do it, but then I chicken out. I know I've chosen not to tell them as a way to protect my H and also protect myself from feelings of shame and failure. My parents ADORE my H, and I fear their relationship would be forever altered. BUT, at times, I feel like I'm living a lie by not letting them know what's going on in my life--the trauma, the sadness, the antidepressants I'm now on, my anxiety for my future, what my H is capable of, etc. It would be nice to know that I have them as a support system through this. And, hey, perhaps my dad could talk a bit of sense into my H as my dad made plenty of mistakes in my parents' marriage, but they are stronger than ever. Ugh, such a dilemma!

shawn thewife said...

Kari: First and foremost!! You have nothing to be ashamed of! Repeat after me: Hold my head up, Be strong! I did nothing wrong! And, if you choose not to tell them that doesn't make you a chicken! It makes you a very kind, thoughtful person that doesn't want to hurt others. I could use a little of that compassion!

About telling the parental units...I can only say telling my parents turned out to be a good thing even though it started out in a bad way! Richard telling my dad without my bad! Calling my mom on a whim fueled by anger...uber bad! If you decide to tell, make a plan. Off the cuff worked for me but I do not recommend it!

Only you can make the call on who needs to know about the affair, only you...not your H.

Flaca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Flaca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Flaca said...

Thanks for sharing this. I was a blabbermouth - I dont know what I was thinking. Usually I am so very prudent but this made me lose my dang mind. I told way TOO MANY PEOPLE. In my crazy mind I though I was helping him. I thought he was gonna kill himself. He was acting irrationally & his career, his family, and his finances were in a terrible place. It was a bad choice.

It's been horrible. Instead the 1) haters who had been jealous of us were now happy that our "fake life and successes" were just fake, 2) his friend are mad him for using them for facilitate his lies/escapades and 3) our 'friends' are now mad at me for not wanting the "best for me" by taking him back.

My mom has been great. Let me vent. My dad has been quiet support. Mowed the lawn when the dirt-bag was thrown out. His mom - don't get me started on the codependent loser who bought him a Scooby Doo bedsheets to welcome him home!! MIL's are evil.

PH said...

Hello My Friends. I call you that even though I have never met any of you. But we all understand each other. My surrounding friends have always been VERY supportive. But I'm sure they get tired of hearing me talk about this. So I'm turning to you all with a very important question.....

I am 6months post. I have never confronted the BW. I'm certain one of us would end up in jail. If it's her then I think we can all agree that's fine :) But lately, I have really felt the need to get a few things out. Some days that feeling just consumes me! I have composed a text to her and all I have to do is push send. A previous post stated that it was good to compose a letter to the BW, but not send it. Burn it. Maybe that’s true???? My words to her are neither offensive nor threatening, but they are honest. (This isn't my 1st rodeo. I learned the 1st time to never put something like that in writing…. If you know what I mean) My text is below. Opinions PLEASE.

***I consider myself the better person in this whole ordeal and that is why I have never confronted you and given you every bit of what you deserve. Don’t get me wrong. I have most definitely called you every name in the book. You have earned each one! He tells me that you apologized. Not sure that I believe that. You have never apologized to me. Not that it matters. I’m fine with hating you for the rest of time. What I’m not fine with is still dealing with the domino effect this has had on my teenage daughters. Once again today, I heard one say “ever since that stupid Amy thing”. Yes, that is absolutely your fault. You are the one that acted like a slut to her father, in front of her. At least your kids are lucky and don’t know how truly horrible a person you are. I hope that if you decide again to destroy your family, you at least go after a single man instead of putting another family thru this. ***

shawn thewife said...

PH: 6 months post DDay was a very tough time for me and I think most betrayed spouses. It's was about then that I thought I should be moving on, getting over it and feeling stronger but what I didn't realize is that the road to recovery is MUCH longer than I ever imagined. So, I grasped at straws to find a solution, a remedy for the pain. My scrawny straw of choice was Jaymie. I was so full of anger. I lived to take her ass down! To make her pay for the ruin to my family that I believed she caused.
I hope you can learn from my mistakes. I gained nothing from lashing out at Jaymie. Nothing. I told her dad about the A. I told her Pastor! I told her new boyfriend! I sent her all kinds of scathing emails. All that I accomplished was looking like a crazy person (which I was) and I earned myself a restraining order.
Stay as far away from her as possible. Keep all of your family as far away from her as possible. You gotta let her go to focus on healing yourself or your marriage.
You might feel a little satisfaction hitting "send", but I can tell you...she won't give a furry rat's ass what you think about her. Not even for a minute. You won't even know if she reads it or not!
You already know you are the better a long shot. You can hold your head up and work toward rebuilding your life.
Eventually, she'll screw herself. It's inevitable.
Please let her go.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Jules said...

In fact PH, as I'm sure Shawn can tell you, it will not make you feel better, it will make you feel worse because you won't get the reaction and results you expect. You just won't. When I think of the OW in my case, I feel nothing. I don't care about her. My focus is on my H. He is the one that broke vows and hurt me beyond words. She was merely the accompliss.

Erica said...

PH - I regretted my one 'reach out' to the OW. There was so much drama immediately following DDay & I took the high road - no contact whatsoever. But it burned me up inside - how a despicable human being might go along with her day thinking she's a fine person. So I sent her our family Christmas card, which happened to be about 11 months after DDay. In it I wrote:

"Pathological (Borderline Personality Disorder?)
Infertile (in every sense of the word)

Wow, 2011 was quite a year for you! Wishing you the 2012 you deserve, and many more."

By the way, the infertile comment was very particular to my situation. I was pregnant with twins during my H's affair and I knew that the OW was dealing with fertility issues, as I had been. I believe that somewhere deep down she initiated the A with my H to try to get pregnant. In my case, the OW was definitely a fatal attraction bunny boiler type.

The point of this, though, is that I regret sending the letter that I mailed with shaky hands. I didn't want to destroy my 'high road' position, but I wanted the b-tch to know she's just that & that I hate her. I'm not glad I did it. It arrived at her work (where my H used to work) and the OW immediately went to her manager saying that I was harassing her. I was harassing her?! Even though it wasn't true, it added a layer of shame to me that I didn't need. Almost by definition OW are f-ed up people. Most will not get the errors of their ways, and letters from BWs won't help them see that. This just makes us look crazy, whether we are or aren't, and isn't worth our time or energy or focus. Stick to your high road. In the end you'll be happier even though I know know know how tempting the 'send' button might be.

Anonymous said...

I know this is off topic, but I was so happy to see that you also read the blog: "Rescuing My Marriage". I spent ALL day reading that yesterday, from start to finish. I thought of you a lot, when this blogger touched on and discussed forgiveness and how she finally got there and how she defined it. She is a truly strong woman, as are you.

Continued wishes for peace and healing...

shawn thewife said...

JULES: Excellent point!!!
I have no idea what in the hell I hoped to gain from all the effort I put out trying to contact jaymie. No clue! I said it was because I wanted the rest of the emails and texts she shared with Richard, but what good would those have been? I saw plenty, way more than enough.
Did I just want to unload on her? Belittle her? To what end? I can't fathom what I hoped to gain from continually trying to drag that loser back into our lives! There was nothing she could offer me! There was no reaction, no information, no end result that would have been productive or even the least bit satisfying.
Thanks for sharing that. So important and so accurate!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Jules said...

Shawn your site is so helpful and comforting and I'm thankful to have it and the input you give on healing heart. There a few women on there I really identify with. You are one of them. Thanks for your encouragement - it's helped me and I know it's helped others.


shawn thewife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shawn thewife said...

B: Rescuing my Marriage is a wonderful blog about a very rough Road back to Happy. It has been helpful to me, as well.
I don't know if I'm as strong as she is, but you are kind to say so. I hope I I wasn't, but I'm getting there. All of you helped me get to a stronger place. I am grateful.
And about forgiveness..She found a way to get there...I'm not there yet, may never be, but I have found a place of acceptance. Not forgiving Richard doesn't mean I will hold it over him forever. I just don't see how you forgive the unforgivable. I know good people sometimes make horrible mistakes, but I just am not able to see how forgiveness would make our lives any different now, so I let that go.
Thanks for your kind words.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

It's reassuring to read everyone's posts. It's been 3 months for me. He says he can not go on without me and our daughter. I love him and we're taking all of the steps (marital and pastoral counseling) to rebuild my broken heart and our broken marriage. He still sees her at work, daily. This is the hardest part for me. He says "It was the biggest mistake of his life" but I want her to know that. I want her to feel the pain I've felt. He reached for the bottom of barrel. I can't get passed how low life this person is and how he risked everything to be with someone like her. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did. We are moving on but I feel like they are both getting away with something. People tell me that I'm too nice. I've heard this my entire life. I have to believe that she will be dealt with by a higher power. I refer to her as a "Jerry Springer" poster child. He has so many people fooled. On the surface, he looks like he has it all and I'm now protecting that facade. I can not understand how someone with so much would risk it all for a low life slut. It's pathetic and I now look at him with such pity. At times, I want to expose them both but then I don't want to ruin his life. Maybe I am too nice but I am giving this to God to help us find our way back to a healthy place. Thank you all for your stories. It is reassuring that I am not alone and sometimes people get lost "off track."

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Please forgive me for my late response to your comment. I am so sorry for your pain. You should not go through this alone and I want to be here for you.
At 3 months after DDay, I had not even come close to processing Richard's affair. I, too, was shocked at why he would choose Jaymie, except for the fact that she was only 24...perky boobs and a tight ass can be quite enticing. BUT..that isn't why he chose her. She was THERE! She was attainable because she needed him, his money, his influence, his pretty words. I know you want her to hurt. No body understands that better than me! But believe can never hurt her the way she hurt you, so why waste any more of your life, time, energy on her?? She ain't worth it!
And please know this to be wasn't about the OW at all! Not at ALL! It is all about your WH. He needs to get himself into IC so he can learn why he cheated. I hope he is showing you with action every day how sorry he is and that he understands that the Road back to Happy is arduous and very long! This is a marathon, not a sprint.
You're not alone. Please come here anytime you need support and visit one of the online forums posted at the bottom of my blog to find many others that understand your pain.
Be good to yourself. You're not "too nice". There's no such thing. Just because you aren't lashing out, doesn't mean you aren't royally pissed and hurt beyond words. You're still trying to process it all.
If keeping the affair to yourself is what feels right now...great. If tomorrow, you wanna buy a billboard and tell the world your WH is a cheating bastard...that's OK, too!!
We will support your recovery!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BrokenJoan said...

It is 5 months since I found out my husband of 47years cheated on me with a woman he met online. I have every emotion every other woman who has been betrayed has. I thought about suicide, I thought about the pleasure of killing both of them, but realized that would be to good for my husband! So many words could describe me right now but the most fitting and the one I have used time and again is BROKEN!!! I can't help myself or anyone in my family right now. We have 3 children and 2 grandsons. I thank anyone who will reach out to me. I feel the only ones who can help me are the ones going thru the same thing.

shawn thewife said...

Broken Joan: I can feel your pain through the screen. I'm so, so sorry.
You should try to get into IC. I recommend MC for you both, too, but first...take care of you. Right now, it should be all about you.

Recovering from betrayal can only happen if your husband follows your lead, if he gives you all you need to begin to heal.
Please go visit The Healing Heart. It is the online infidelity support forum that saved me and my marriage. The link is on the bottom of my blog under "Find Support Here". It is full of compassionate, understanding people that get it.
I can only tell you that it will get easier. It just takes a very long time, but you don't have to suffer alone. Let us help you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

My sister's husband of ten years cheated on her. She made him call everyone in the family and all her friends and apologize for all his behaviors. She said if everyone forgives you, I will take you back. He didn't sound sorry and I called him on it. We got into an argument. I called my sis & said sorry I don't forgive him. Being the dumb ass she was...oh my did I just say that? Uh uhm, I meant to say, being the gullible girl she was, in the desperate state she was in, it didn't matter, she took him back. Guess what? He cheated again a year later with a brand new girl. She took him back again. Guess what? A year later he cheated again with yet a totally different girl. 3 different girls in 3 years. She finally had enough. They are now divorced.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Took three strikes to put him out, huh?
I didn't know about Richard's previous strikes. Jaymie was number FOUR over a 30 year period, and that's if he was completely truthful about all his infidelity. There could be more.
Maybe that makes me a dumb ass in your book. I can't argue. I may very well be. Before I became a betrayed wife, I would've said the same thing about any weak woman that took back a cheating bastard of a husband. Yep. I was right there with you standing in very judgmental shoes.
It's tough, REALLY next to impossible, to give up on the love of your life. We so desperately want to believe our spouse is redeemable. Sadly, that isn't always the case, but Never Again will I question a betrayed spouse's choice to stay and hope for the best.
How is your sister now? Hope she found her Road to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Dear Broken Joan - My heart goes out to you. I was in a terrible state for months after finding out. (Married 22 yrs. 2 kids still at home. He had a 1 yr afair. He committed to end it then RENIGGED! I hired a PI and BUSTED HIM. I asked him to leave. He refused. Wants his family.we went to SOME counseling ) Shawn is RIGHT. YOU are your first priority. And you have more power than you think. What makes YOU feel good? What makes you feel good about YOU? Exercise, new clothes, fresh hairdo, weekend with a girl friend? - Invest your time and energy in YOU! You do NOT need to make any sudden moves.

BS said...

Hi Shawn

I didn't tell anyone. I am not totally sure why.

Some days I want to shout it from the rooftops, other days, I am glad I did not.

One of the first counselors I saw warned me not to tell family. He said to confide only in counselors or close friends whom I knew could keep a secret.

After my spouse's deception, I wasn't sure whom to trust, so I trusted no one, except professionals and people on forums who did not know me personally.

I think it is actually a good sign that Richard told your father. He took it out of your hands.

shawn thewife said...

BS: You should comment on my newest post. I think we should share who to tell and who not to tell. Who helped us heal. Might save someone else a whole lotta grief.

I know the list will be different for all of us, but I wish I knew back in the beginning I could get through the trauma without telling everyone within 50 yards of me!

And..Richard had no right to tell my dad. He did me no favors. That act started a whole chain of payback. It was ugly.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Bs said...

Hi Shawn:

It was insensitive of me to say Richard did you a favor. Sorry. I was projecting my own feelings onto you.

I can see how it might be upsetting because if he didn't tell you first it is another form of deception.

I will post on your latest blog as you suggested.

I do think people need to be cautious about the people they confide in.

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog last week & look forward to reading more.I'm also in recovery & so much of what you've read/said/done/felt matches my experience exactly.Thank you for sharing with us. I appreciate it very much.

Winona said...

I know I'm really late to this blog, but I hope you know this blog IS still helpful. Thank you for sharing all your thoughts, line crossing, everything. It does help to feel not so alone, but also sad because there are so many of us.

Those first weeks after DDay are so blurry, the shock, the emotional trauma, the intense pain have fuzzed out a lot of it. I think I told my mom within a coupe of days, when he left for a long planned trip to meet with old friends. I later learned he met OW while there. A whole city is now ruined for me. Anyway, she was at first helpful, comforting, as moms do, then pissed as hell at him. Over the next few weeks, including the day I learned he had met the bitch during his trip (the trip was 1 week after DDay and I learned 1 month after that that he was still flirting with her, emailing her. There had been no sex because the message thread I found confirmed it), I called her, freaking out, pissed off as all hell, and she had to hear every single word of my heart breaking. She also knows my anger is keeping me standing and so my level of anger equal s the level of pain and distress. She knew I would eventually grieve and sob to the point of vomiting.

I didn't tell any friends except for one older friend, a neighbor woman. I was just so embarrassed and humiliated. Eventually I told those friends he went to visit with on that trip because he had lied to them too. They had no idea what was going on and they are still friends, they were very supportive of both of us and pissed at my husband, eventually being forgiving. One of those friends he had had an on again off again relationship with, snd she was in fact his first sex partner. She told me he had cheated on her several times, this was why they were on and off for several years.

I made him tell me who it was and I looked her up on FB. I never contacted her directly, but a few months after the affair ended I had cause to contact her current boyfriend and her best friend to let them know what she was doing, and not just with my husband. While she was playing her game with my husband, she was also stringing along 3-4 other lonely unhappy men. What male wouldn't be enticed by a porn star wannabe? She plays on the male need to rescue, to fix, to save the day. She's pitiful really. A hot mess of a damsel in distress. And THIS is who is was trying to figure out how to leave me for?! Boy did I feel like chopped liver.

I've been toying with the idea of contacting her now, just a few months shy of 2 years out. To let her know the sheer hell I've been through, how my son was so angry at his father, how he would cry when hearing us argue over his continued contact with her, that I know who and what she is, put a bit of a spotlight on her. To thank her for being a part of the affair that was the catalyst in improving our marriage, in helping me to help my husband become a better man, a better husband, that I hope someday she too can feel the deep love and intense connection unlike any other that comes from a committed relationship. No name calling, no anger, only politeness and kindness. She's so incredibly self absorbed she won't care and won't give it two seconds thoughts But my last check of her FB showed she might be trying to get her shit together - she's quit drinking, moved, has gotten her own job instead of leaching off her ex (and ex she cheated on. I've toyed with telling him too). But I need to work on why I feel like I want to do this. I'l draft a few letters in the meantime. In the beginning, I didn't want to give her any relevance at all, she didn't deserve my attention at that moment. She wasn't the problem, my husband and his poor boundaries and lack of communication skills was. Yes, I checked her FB trying to understand the appeal, they kind of person she was, and I got it really quick why she attracted him - she was the his fantasy girl, everything I'm not. I'm still stinging over that.