As I sat there, I replayed my behavior from less than 30 minutes ago. Holy Nut-Job, Batman! What in the hell was I thinking? Such a repetitive sentence in this story...What was I thinking?
I chastised myself over and over the many times I crossed the line.
You know the line? The line between, if you're telling the story, the person on the receiving end will say, "You poor thing! I understand!" OR "You are certa-freakin-fiable!"
For a over a year after DDay, I straddled that line, wobbled back and forth over the line while hopping on one foot and juggling chainsaws. Sometimes I landed on the side of reasonable behavior, but most times I fell right off into Crazy Town territory, ranting, raving and cussing on the way.
A few posts ago, Leaving Now for Crazy Town!, I told you that the rest of my story was more about me, all the wrong paths I took during the next year. Writing about all the lunacy is helping me in a very important process....self-forgiveness. Each time I crossed the line, there was some level of self-loathing. Not always right away! Lord knows, I can hang onto a fit of anger like a starving dog clamps down on a stew bone, but eventually, I'd get around to listening to my conscience.
After an episode of line jumping, my mind discussion usually began with the automatic initial response of "What the hell was I thinking?" Then it went something like this:
Good Shawn thought, "I'm losing my mind. How can I fix this? I have to fix this!"
Bad Shawn thought: "They ain't seen nothin' yet!"
My LINE was very grey, no black or white, no clarity. It wasn't at all straight. It jutted in and out, up and down like the perverbial coaster I had been riding. The line was quite malleable. I think it's direction fluctuated according to my measure of anger on any given day. On the wrong side of the line, my behavior was completely unacceptable, unproductive and a bunch of other UNs I can't really think of right now.
After the office meltdown, I experienced both sides of the line. I began to feel terrible for dragging Richard's associate, Lori, into Crazy Town, but his partner, Michelle, was still on my hit list.
I sent the following emails from work later that day.
Today was not about you. It was only about Richard, Michelle and I. I don't think you knew about Richard & Jaymie until it was too late. At least, I don't think you had the same knowledge that Michelle had. Michelle knew from early on. She knew before anything really happened. She did NOTHING! She owes me an apology. More than that, she needs to leave the law firm and let Richard and I have a chance at working through this. I can't have him working with people that will simply cover his ass when he is fucking up so badly. All she needed to do was tell him to get his act together and choose. Be with Jaymie, if that is his choice, but stop cheating on me. She did nothing.
PLUS...she never even apologized to me for letting it go so far. I thought she was my friend, too. Obviously, I was sadly mistaken.
This was never about you. I'm sorry I let my pain and anger cause you worry.
What the hell, Michelle?? You can't even face me?? Seriously?? You can't even talk to me??
Are you so ashamed of your choices regarding my cheating husband that you can't even find it in your heart to apologize to me??
All I wanted today was to tell you that I want you and Richard to part ways. Maybe you already knew that. If he and I have an ice cubes chance in hell of working through this, I need him to be surrounded by people that won't cover his ass when he is screwing up royally. They need to be real friends and tell him when he's fucking up, personally or professionally. You obviously don't fit that bill. It's time you moved on.
Plus...if you were any kind of woman, you would want to tell me that you were so very sorry for not stepping up and trying much harder to keep Richard from making such a huge mistake. You're not the person I thought you were.
If Mike tried something like this...wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you??
I bet you would.
It's not to late to admit you fucked up.
How's that for riding both sides of the line!?
There were so many more incidents like this. I'd act out, cross the line, feel bad and try to make it right. OR...I'd act out, not get the response I wanted and then take it even further over the line with little to no regard for the damage I was doing to myself as well as anyone that found themselves anywhere near me as I tested the limits of the line.
The next person that stood too close when I jumped over the line to Crazy Town was my mom. I'd worked so hard to keep all this from her, but on the dark side of the line I was like a wounded animal, capable of hurting pretty much anyone.