After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

AFAIK..I Say This A LOT!

Not long after I sent the email to Richard and Jaymie, cutting off my nose to spite my face by reaching out to pull her back into our lives, I received this:
>>I need some time. But i'll help in any way I can. I'm at school now and won't be available to talk. I also need some time to think.   Jaymie<<
Mmmmmmm....what was she thinking about?  Maybe she wonders why I'm contacting her but she hasn't heard from her soul mate.  
(I must always qualify statements like that with...As Far as I Knew. This qualification will now be known as AFAIK...pronounced A FAKE!)  

Maybe she just didn't want to seem too eager.  The last time she saw Richard (AFAIK) he had sex with her, begged her to believe he loved her, then drove home to us.  Wait...that's not the last time!  The real last time (AFAIK) was our little face the music meeting in his office.  How could that festive event have slipped my mind??  
Maybe there was the tiniest chance she felt a bit of regret.  She may have wanted Richard back more than I wanted him to stay, but maybe the baby bimbo was thinking it over because she found a conscience.  
Yea, right.  And monkeys might fly outta my ass.

Who knows?  I do admit, I was surprised she didn't act more impulsively.  She was taking a time out to consider her options.  AFAIK...she hadn't told anyone else she was banging, excuse love with... a married 60 year old man.  She probably wasn't eager to share the fact that she had become a home wrecking whore.  My offer of Richard on a silver platter might have been a bit much for her under developed brain to process in short order all on her own.  I didn't get the lengthy email response from her until the next day.

I went back into my email archives to pull out her email.  I wanted to share it with you.  I can't.  It's gone.  I have no recollection of deleting it, but it ain't there.  Not even in the trash.  In a moment of clarity, I must have trashed it, deleted it and double deleted it!  Good for me.
For those of you that are curious, not to worry!  I can recite her emails from memory just like a first grader sings the ABCs.  I'll give you the Cliff Notes version.
It read something like this:   
I never expected to get the chance to have Richard in my life again.  I didn't think he would stay with me.  I assumed he would go home to you in the end, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to be so completely without him.  I was in love.  I was in love. (yea..she typed it twice!) Blah...Blah....Blah....I was devastated, but you can't stay devastated.  I am a student and I am focusing on my studies.  I will move forward without him.

You get the idea, right?  If what I had hoped to gain from sending the email was to know where Jaymie stood, she told me she was done with him.  AFAIK.  
Million Dollar question:  Why did it matter if she was done with him??  I'm not married to her!  Richard could have bought himself a throw away phone.  He could be texting her every freakin' hour!  She might be sending him hot, naked pics to hold him over until I let my guard down and he could meet her in the flesh again.  

But, AFAIK, Richard was done with her, too.  That doesn't mean he still didn't think about her.  He may have felt deep regret for how he hurt her.  Regardless, he was home with me.  He was sincerely sorry and he was willing to do whatever it took to heal our marriage and earn my forgiveness.  AFAIK.
I didn't know what to think.  Why did I send that email?  Did I do it to torment them, to challenge them?  What did I expect to gain?  Did I really want Richard gone?  If so, I didn't need Jaymie to haul his ass away.  It was time to face what I wanted.  Who in the hell could help me unravel that perplexing dilemma?  What did I want?  AFAIK for sure...I just wanted the pain to stop.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

TRIGGER~ You said "Cliff Notes" version... yeah, hubby hates to read, they ran distribution centers together upper management, and he always asked her (at work) and me (at home)for the cliff notes version of an email, letter, etc... when I was in the company of all the people from work, it was a big joke and I once, laughingly told her she should know he didn't read it because she was his work wife. How pathetic was that? Because apparently, she really was, I looked like an ass, and when that memory gets triggered, it still stings, just as bad.
Formerly, Brokenonce