After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Deaf, Blind & Negative

Richard protested, but he didn't lobby against me sending the email to Jaymie quite as vigorously as I thought he might.  Of course, my negative train of thought assumed, in truth, he really wanted to know if Jaymie still loved him.  Why would I even consider he might just want to let her go?

During the next few months, there was next to nothing Richard could do or say that didn't make me think he was still pining for his young trollop.  I can not easily explain why I ignored Richard's shamefaced tears, his incessant apologies and his ardent declarations of love for me.  The sound of his remorseful words were drowned out by the emails he wrote to Jaymie being broadcast in my head on volume ten, 24/7.  Not only could I not hear him, I could not see him.  My vision was as cloudy as my ears were plugged.  I should have SEEN the bags under his bloodshot eyes and the way he walked with his head down.  If my senses had been sharp,  I would have understood the perpetual frown he wore was due to his deep concern for my pain and his fear of the loss of our life together.  But, no.  I was positive he was grieving for her, missing her and the loss of ever touching her again.  I was deaf and blind to any possible positive outcome of Richard's betrayal.

It was the Post Traumatic Stress that rendered my senses less than dependable.  Lord.  My mind was like a bowl of boiling jelly.  The lovely Dr. K should have warned me how incapacitated I might become.  I should have listened harder to Richard.  Looked at him much closer.  I needed to open my mind to the tiniest chance that my husband was truly penitent and guilt ridden.  Nope.  Not me.  The glass was not even close to half full.  I was in the midst of an epic drought in positive thinking.

While I waited for a reply from Jaymie in response to my proposal, I pummeled Richard with questions that he answered with great difficulty.  I didn't notice why he struggled as he repeated the same multitude of sins.  I didn't HEAR HIM.  I didn't SEE HIM.   I only saw evil Richard, liar Richard, vicious, vile, wretched Richard.  I've now been schooled that many betrayers tell half truths to protect the betrayed.  In their FOG, sharing more details adds to our agony.  They fear any more savage truth may ultimately break our will to find a path to forgiveness.

They are blind, too.  They don't see that we need exhaustive truth, uncensored honesty, the whole enchilada.  They are deaf to our pleas for unimpaired information.  They are completely correct, however, that the despicable details will cause immense distress, but compared to discovering additional lies....I'll always take honesty, no matter how brutal.

Such a short amount of time had passed since my DDay, barely a month.  Looking back, I'm not shocked at my lack of clear sight or my deaf ears.  I'm no stronger than the next betrayed spouse.
But, if you find yourself with cloudy vision and muffled hearing, use this post as a set of bifocals or a hearing aide.  If nothing else, please don't let yourself be deaf and blind to a positive future.

I was positive Jaymie would be thrilled I was throwing Richard back to her.  Just wasn't sure if when I threw him, he'd travel like a dart, straight at her, or a boomerang, sending him home to me.


survivamama said...

I agree with what you say but in my case it's a little different. My husband still says (not openly but if I ask) that he had a wonderful love story with this person, that she's great and that they had something special as our story if not better (god I hope his opinion changes with time!). he doesn't say their relationship was a fantasy relationship or anything like that...because for him there were no negatives aside from lying to me and the kids. He really could see himself living with her and having a life. But getting back to your post... he's with us now, he's more affectionate (although not like before and I imagine him not wanting to keep his hands off the ow which isn't the case with me, he's affecionate but not passionate), he says he loves me and although he can't say "i'll never leave you guys" he is acting like he's in this relationship to stay, going on dates with me, planning holidays etc. At times I am blind to these things though and I forget that just 3 months ago he was really hesitating between the two of us and now he's here, acting committed (if not not saying it) and as far as I know being honest.

I think we see them still as a "monster" because they were able to behave like monsters during the affair and at least for me I still think the monster is around when maybe he isn't....and that creates fear in me that stops me from being happy and makes me blind and deaf to the positive. It's all about trust ...trusting that the monster isn't around anymore. But the catch in this affair situation is that trust has been broken! I trusted wholeheartedly that he wasn't having an affair, I NEVER thought he'd do that. So now all of a sudden I have to trust that he won't move out and start up with her?! I agree that we can be deaf and blind and negative to the positive behaviour changes the cheating spouse is displaying and that it is up to us as betrayed spouses to actively pay attention to the positive so that we don't drown in the negative...and take the couple down with us. For sure. And so hard to do at times.

De said...

I think sending the note was brilliant. I wish I'd had the nerve to do that too. Right now,one of the things that still haunts me is what the BW wrote to me right after I busted them. In response to my note to stay the hell away, she wrote back that my husband was "madly in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but since he loves his son so much, he won't be doing that." He swears that he chose me for me and not for our son and, in fact, turns himself inside out demonstrating that now, but it's still a thorn in my side that she took that away from the destruction with her. I bet she thinks to this day he'd have chosen her, if not for the fact that he has a son with me. I wish I had written a note like that in the very beginning, so that she could know now that he had a clear way out and not loose his relationship with his son. I want that B**** to know and feel that he gave her up because he didn't want to give me up. I think if I knew she knew that, this issue would resolve for me. I have no way of really knowing what he ultimately told her though. He's still been pretty vague about that. I say cudos to you for taking some control of that. Gutsy.

Bubbles said...

Oh my gosh! I know this feeling very well! So much pain. I think it's numbness we feel at the beginning as well. To me, 2.5 years later after my D day, it's still painful to think of. I would like to talk to you sometime about it if you'd like. Betrayal is awful, and it's a very cloudy confusing time when you are blindsided and left in the gutter for dead. I hope to talk to you soon!

shawn, the wife said...

De: I was all about making the BW pay. As I continue my story, you're gonna see I was the queen of BW payback. For me, it was so much easier to take my anger out on her than WH. I hurt all the time. Dumping it on Richard was too close to home. ISure, I made him suffer in a lot of way, but my revenge streak, I saved for Jaymie. Making her life suck in lots of little ways made me a little less sad for a minute or two. Kind of like putting a band-aid on gaping, gushing flesh wound.
Even though I GET IT now, no one could have told me she was a waste of my time then. I wish I had been smarter. What she thinks about MY husband doesn't matter, didn't matter and will never matter. She can go to her grave thinking she was the love of his life. I don't give a shit! It's all about what Richard says and even more about what he does that will save my marriage.
So, thanks for the Kudos...but, I do not deserve them.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Bubbles: I made many lousy decisions the first year after DDay, mostly because my mind was numb & dumb. So hard to get to a place of clear thinking.
Feel free to email me from my profile page anytime.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

@survivamama - Your story sounds alot like mine also. The part about him not being able to say "I'll never leave you guys." But mine acts too as though he is in it to stay. But the fear still exists and 'threat' that he will change his mind (again) and want to go be with her. Even though she is 24 and we are 39, and they both have different goals in life. The icing on the cake is she just lives about 7 houses down from us! Uggg! Nightmare! It's only been 4months since DDay for me.