Richard protested, but he didn't lobby against me sending the email to Jaymie quite as vigorously as I thought he might. Of course, my negative train of thought assumed, in truth, he really wanted to know if Jaymie still loved him. Why would I even consider he might just want to let her go?
During the next few months, there was next to nothing Richard could do or say that didn't make me think he was still pining for his young trollop. I can not easily explain why I ignored Richard's shamefaced tears, his incessant apologies and his ardent declarations of love for me. The sound of his remorseful words were drowned out by the emails he wrote to Jaymie being broadcast in my head on volume ten, 24/7. Not only could I not hear him, I could not see him. My vision was as cloudy as my ears were plugged. I should have SEEN the bags under his bloodshot eyes and the way he walked with his head down. If my senses had been sharp, I would have understood the perpetual frown he wore was due to his deep concern for my pain and his fear of the loss of our life together. But, no. I was positive he was grieving for her, missing her and the loss of ever touching her again. I was deaf and blind to any possible positive outcome of Richard's betrayal.
It was the Post Traumatic Stress that rendered my senses less than dependable. Lord. My mind was like a bowl of boiling jelly. The lovely Dr. K should have warned me how incapacitated I might become. I should have listened harder to Richard. Looked at him much closer. I needed to open my mind to the tiniest chance that my husband was truly penitent and guilt ridden. Nope. Not me. The glass was not even close to half full. I was in the midst of an epic drought in positive thinking.
While I waited for a reply from Jaymie in response to my proposal, I pummeled Richard with questions that he answered with great difficulty. I didn't notice why he struggled as he repeated the same multitude of sins. I didn't HEAR HIM. I didn't SEE HIM. I only saw evil Richard, liar Richard, vicious, vile, wretched Richard. I've now been schooled that many betrayers tell half truths to protect the betrayed. In their FOG, sharing more details adds to our agony. They fear any more savage truth may ultimately break our will to find a path to forgiveness.
They are blind, too. They don't see that we need exhaustive truth, uncensored honesty, the whole enchilada. They are deaf to our pleas for unimpaired information. They are completely correct, however, that the despicable details will cause immense distress, but compared to discovering additional lies....I'll always take honesty, no matter how brutal.
Such a short amount of time had passed since my DDay, barely a month. Looking back, I'm not shocked at my lack of clear sight or my deaf ears. I'm no stronger than the next betrayed spouse.
But, if you find yourself with cloudy vision and muffled hearing, use this post as a set of bifocals or a hearing aide. If nothing else, please don't let yourself be deaf and blind to a positive future.
I was positive Jaymie would be thrilled I was throwing Richard back to her. Just wasn't sure if when I threw him, he'd travel like a dart, straight at her, or a boomerang, sending him home to me.