I gotta pause from my past tense diary for a minute. This post is about today, yesterday and probably tomorrow and the foreseeable future.
This is about the tentacles of adultery. I picture a giant squid with massive tentacles that reach out, usually when I least expect it and act like vicious suction cups adhering to my brain with brute force! These suction cups inject indiscriminate memories loaded with venom or questions that conjure poison anew.
I gotta tell ya....I'm over it!
Too bad. We don't get to choose when we're over it, do we? The scary reality is, we'll never be OVER it. Sorry if that sounds all doom & gloom. It just feels like something I have to admit to myself and it helps me a great deal to share this epiphany with you.
Do these tentacles also ensnare others, those who I had hoped had survived the shrapnel previously? Lord knows, some of that shit was far-flung, much of it by me! Do the tentacles still envelope my children, my parents, Richard's family, our close friends?
My kids SEEM fine. With teenagers, you just never know. My family SEEMS fine. At first they would inquire about the status of our "issues" but their interest in our progress has waned. If they have moved past our near dimise, I'm all for it.
When we are with friends as a group, I don't sense the tension caused by the elephant in the room anymore. They all have busy lives of their own. Dwelling on our betrayal business would not serve them well.
Of course, there are the two dishonorably discharged friends that took direct hits in the battle. Richard's best friend, Mark, is a goner. They spoke occasionally for the first year after DDay, but every month brings less communication between them. They used to hike up Mt. Woodson together weekly and play golf as often as possible. Pre-Jaymie, we shared many laughs together with Mark and his wife. Lots of fun times. Do you think Mark suffers any risidual tentacle suction pain? Does he mourn the loss of his bond with Richard?
The other friend that is now MIA is Richard's partner, Michelle. Not missing in the literal sense. She is still his partner at the firm, but their relationship is irrevocably altered. No more after work happy hours. No more fantasy football league parties. Don't even think they do the staff appreciation lunches anymore. The secretaries can thank Richard for the loss of that perk. Just work. The tentacles stretch past the boundaries of daily labor. Is Michelle troubled by the new distance Richard placed between them?
A side note: Regarding Mark and Michelle...I couldn't give a rat's ass. They are persona non grata to me. Yea, yea...I wasted a couple of paragraphs on them pondering the power of the tentacle, but it was merely academic.
As for me, I hate the randomness of the tentacles. I'll be shuffling along, whistling a happy tune and BAM! I'll get a thought about something totally out of context like, "When the restraining order is lifted, I think I'll Fed Ex a copy of my blog to Jaymie's dad!" Uhhh...No freakin' way! Why would a smart woman like me drag her skanky, skinny ass back into my life?? Or, another savage suction cup, a perennial favorite, "Richard loved Jaymie for all that I'm not." It's brain battery and I see no scheduled lobotomy on the horizon.
My interest here is to verify the existence of this phenomenon and then move forward with accepting it's presence in my life. Maybe I should call these haphazard thoughts brain worms. They sure dug deep and embedded themselves for a long hibernation in my head. The period of time when they rest seems to be increasing. I'm ever so grateful for that. But, they always wake up. Sometimes due to triggers, (TRIGGERS! That's a very long post for another day!) but sometimes they wake up while I'm paying bills or doing laundry or feeding the damn dogs! What's up with that? When the worms rise and shine, that's when they morph into tentacles. That's exactly what it feels like!! Dormant brain worms that transform into long, slithering, evil, appendages that can extend out at will and ALWAYS find me! Hold on to that visual for a while!
I digress. Sorry. Back on track...I hereby acknowledge the presence of the wicked worm/tentacle in my life. I will not allow the said invertebrate to control me, dictate my moods or in anyway alter my attitude as I march on up my road to happy. I will strive to reduce the influence it has on me and dare to dream that one day I will vanquish the monster!
Will I be dealing with the the not-so-tender touch of the tentacles for years to come? I'm tired just thinking about it.