After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Tentacles of Adultery

I gotta pause from my past tense diary for a minute.  This post is about today, yesterday and probably tomorrow and the foreseeable future.

This is about the tentacles of adultery.  I picture a giant squid with massive tentacles that reach out, usually when I least expect it and act like vicious suction cups adhering to my brain with brute force!  These suction cups inject indiscriminate memories loaded with venom or questions that conjure poison anew.
I gotta tell ya....I'm over it!

Too bad.  We don't get to choose when we're over it, do we?  The scary reality is, we'll never be OVER it.  Sorry if that sounds all doom & gloom.  It just feels like something I have to admit to myself and it helps me a great deal to share this epiphany with you.

Do these tentacles also ensnare others, those who I had hoped had survived the shrapnel previously?  Lord knows, some of that shit was far-flung, much of it by me!  Do the tentacles still envelope my children, my parents, Richard's family, our close friends?

My kids SEEM fine. With teenagers, you just never know.  My family SEEMS fine.  At first they would inquire about the status of our "issues" but their interest in our progress has waned.  If they have moved past our near dimise, I'm all for it.
When we are with friends as a group, I don't sense the tension caused by the elephant in the room anymore.  They all have busy lives of their own.  Dwelling on our betrayal business would not serve them well.

Of course, there are the two dishonorably discharged friends that took direct hits in the battle.  Richard's best friend, Mark, is a goner.  They spoke occasionally for the first year after DDay, but every month brings less communication between them.  They used to hike up Mt. Woodson together weekly and play golf as often as possible.  Pre-Jaymie, we shared many laughs together with Mark and his wife.  Lots of fun times.  Do you think Mark suffers any risidual tentacle suction pain?  Does he mourn the loss of his bond with Richard?

The other friend that is now MIA is Richard's partner, Michelle.  Not missing in the literal sense.  She is still his partner at the firm, but their relationship is irrevocably altered.  No more after work happy hours.  No more fantasy football league parties.  Don't even think they do the staff appreciation lunches anymore.  The secretaries can thank Richard for the loss of that perk.  Just work.  The tentacles stretch past the boundaries of daily labor.  Is Michelle troubled by the new distance Richard placed between them?

A side note:  Regarding Mark and Michelle...I couldn't give a rat's ass.  They are persona non grata to me.  Yea, yea...I wasted a couple of paragraphs on them pondering the power of the tentacle, but it was merely academic.

As for me, I hate the randomness of the tentacles.  I'll be shuffling along, whistling a happy tune and BAM!  I'll get a thought about something totally out of context like, "When the restraining order is lifted, I think I'll Fed Ex a copy of my blog to Jaymie's dad!"  Uhhh...No freakin' way!  Why would a smart woman like me drag her skanky, skinny ass back into my life??  Or, another savage suction cup, a perennial favorite, "Richard loved Jaymie for all that I'm not." It's brain battery and I see no scheduled lobotomy on the horizon.

My interest here is to verify the existence of this phenomenon and then move forward with accepting it's presence in my life.  Maybe I should call these haphazard thoughts brain worms.  They sure dug deep and embedded themselves for a long hibernation in my head.  The period of time when they rest seems to be increasing.  I'm ever so grateful for that.  But, they always wake up.  Sometimes due to triggers, (TRIGGERS!  That's a very long post for another day!) but sometimes they wake up while I'm paying bills or doing laundry or feeding the damn dogs!  What's up with that?  When the worms rise and shine, that's when they morph into tentacles.  That's exactly what it feels like!!  Dormant brain worms that transform into long, slithering, evil, appendages that can extend out at will and ALWAYS find me!  Hold on to that visual for a while!

I digress.  Sorry.  Back on track...I hereby acknowledge the presence of the wicked worm/tentacle in my life.  I will not allow the said invertebrate to control me, dictate my moods or in anyway alter my attitude as I march on up my road to happy.  I will strive to reduce the influence it has on me and dare to dream that one day I will vanquish the monster!

Will I be dealing with the the not-so-tender touch of the tentacles for years to come?  I'm tired just thinking about it.


Anonymous said...

Shawn, it has been at least 4 years since my DDay and no the tentacles never stop. In fact the final insult of the whole thing just played out about 6 months ago. That was when the final lie was exposed, he promised that there had been no sex, blam he got her pregnant. How can I handle this new tidbit of information. There is no baby the TW( trifling whore) took care of that one.
What makes it all so weird is that it had no effect on me. I just sat there and listened. I felt like I was in a bomb shelter and artillery was going off all around me. No baby means nothing had changed , other than after 3 years of telling me his last lie he was finally free of it all. But what now? How do I deal with all of this. Once again all of the work we had done, all of the trust that was just beginning to rebuild is gone. I can't even look at him without seeing the TW.
To make things even worse I had just had our second child 1 year before this "baby" was created. He was cheating, according to him because I had changed, and let's be honest here, I got fat. I had two babies, a 2 year old and an infant, and he was getting tail on the side.
Damn these tentacles, how do I keep these retards things from attaching to me and killing what little we have rebuilt. Already the sex is gone again, so what does that leave me, anger. I am so tired of being angry. I miss the happy moments when everything was feeling fine and we had some semblance of a normal marriage. When I didn't go to bed sad and lonely and wake up exhausted from all of the nightmares. I miss my life. When all I want to do is now is punch the TW and destroy what she has.
I do not want to be this angry person. I want to see the joy again. Man I have been rambling, sorry.

shawn, the wife said...

Anonymous: Feel free to ramble, rant or vent here anytime! That is exactly why I started this blog. I needed a place to get the demons out. If this blog allows others to purge poison with me, all the better. Together we will heal faster.

Learning of fresh lies sets you back to DDay all over again. The worst. Betrayers tell me they hold back some horrible truths to prevent the betrayed from extra suffering. They don't get it. You gotta drain the poison out completely right outta the shoot! Richard never would have told me about the loving emails he shared with Jaymie. I found those on my own. Almost hurts more each time a new lie is discovered.
If your WH wants to heal your marriage, please consider marriage counseling. If he won't go, find a counselor for yourself. Heal yourself. Create your own road to happy. The rage and need for revenge almost put me over the edge. I needed to hurt them more than they hurt me. Now I know, I can't hurt them the way they hurt me. It just ain't gonna happen.
So...focus on you. Find your road to happy. I know we all have one. Just gotta open the map.
Hope & Hugs. Shawn

De said...

Shawn, your posting of this entry couldn't have been timed better. You are 9-mos ahead of me as far as D-Day and I follow you religiously, because I can almost see my path ahead of me as I follow you - does that sound silly? That f'ing "brain worm" is the worst and it attacked me viciously a little over a week ago. All of a sudden I was searching his car and dresser drawers again! Not beause I suspected ANYTHING, but it seemed like I was ripping scabs off of the wounds - on purpose?! How nuts is that? He's been wonderful and cooperating with therapy and has been just amazing. He was such a stranger to me while the affair was going on and our therapist has assured me that I would know (this time) if he was involved in that again, so I am sure that isn't what sent me over the edge for that week. Maybe it was the year anniversary of my catching him in a lie for the first time, for the benefit of his affair, while I was still in denial. It was probably that. But, why take two steps back, when we have progressed so many steps forward? My sane self sees that it's unhealthy, but when those days/spells happen, there just seems to be NO control over it! As much as I love this guy, sometimes I have to wonder if it's worth, potentially, an incurable brain worm (maybe I'll name it Eva) that will "F" up my day, or week, at random? I need to know that at some point that little SOB will die off.

shawn, the wife said...

De: I am as befuddled by how we react to the trauma of an affair as you. Why in the hell do we torture oursleves by "ripping off scabs"? (great metaphore! )

I posted about "Emotional Cutting". If there is any answer to why we torture ourselves, it isn't an easy one. I have been told revisting the details or assuming the worst in our WHs, validates our pain. We have a subconscience need to justify how much we are suffering. Not sure why we don't know right off that our pain is full-on legit!

As you are 9 months behind me on the road, please let me assure you....the brain worm/tentacle does relent as time passes.
Thank the Lord for small favors, right?
hope & Hugs, Shawn

Eat My Scabs said...

i ripped of the scab and then told him he'd have full forgiveness is he ate it! sick but a totally true story!

De said...

Thanks for the reassurance Shawn. I'll follow you down the path and thanks for sharing/blazing the trail.

Eat My Scabs: LOL! Do you mean that literally?! If so, did he do it?

Rollercoasterider said...

No, you don't get over; you go through. And you will get through, but that doesn't mean the memories are gone and it doesn't mean that they won't trigger emotional swings when they surface.
You have to go through the anger and grief, to go over is to skip the emotions and the healing and dismiss the importance of what caused the pain and what you need to do to heal it.

shawn, the wife said...

EMS: Had a crazy busy weekend with work. Having less than a solid morning with WH. Just read your comment...LMAO!!
Thanks...I needed that!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Rollercoasterider: Very well said. You gotta go through it. But, as you work through it...I think you can have a better attitude about the future than I did. It took me over a year to look forward with any hope. I was so filled with hate, rage and sorrow there was no room for hope. I just think you gotta try to leave a little space in your heart for hope, regardless of what you're hoping for and in spite of the pain.
Thanks for commenting. Please check in with us often. So need to hear from others that are further up the road to happy. All guidance is greatly appreciated!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

The worms lay dormant for long periods of time, sometimes even when they perk up, it's barely eye level above ground to peek around and back down they go... but at certain times, such as recently with me, after 8 years... I am back there, I am remembering, I am pulling the worms up and out and examining them with a microscope. Why? I cannot tell you, anymore than you can tell me why you visited crazy town. I guess I have to retrace my steps to when I was a resident. Remind myself that he's not perfect. I had him on a pedestal so high, that when he fell, it nearly killed me. I can't let him move up that high for too long of a time before I remember who he can be. Here's the thing that's pissing me off the most right now... I am not allowed to bring it up or talk about it, without making life hell around here. The tables have turned. Even though he was wrong, it was so long ago, it was dealt with, we healed, we learned and grew from it, we love each other, we are a better couple because of what came out after all that, now I am the BAD guy if I try to bring it up. I have been noticing this for well over a year now, and it's beginning to really cause me problems, and I have actually been throwing some little things up and out there (those triggers that I learned to delete as they happened and not beat him with) Now, I guess I am not allowed to discuss, that's not gonna fly long with me. It's building... and it's gonna blow... jus sayin.
Formerly, Brokenonce