After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Losing Focus in Real Time

This will be a very quick post.  Just needed to try to clear my head.  My gradual forward momentum slipped into reverse and I'm panicing.  Gotta get some focus!

Yesterday, I went to meet Richard at his office and it felt like I could SMELL Jaymie in there.  It's been 18 months!!  I hate that she still has power over me like that.  Ruined my happy hour time with Richard.  In a very passive aggressive manner, which I never approve of,  I spent our cocktail hour imparting my wisdom on why he should terminate his partnership with Michelle.  She's just a leech.  Not worth keeping around.

What do I know?  It ain't my job!  I should have told Richard the truth, your office is a HUGE trigger!  It breaks my heart that I can't just drop by for lunch or to say hi without calling first.  Even when I do show up, which is next to never, his staff all hide from me.  (Haven't told you about the day I cleared the place out raging and ranting about Richard fucking Jaymie.  Scared the crap outta everyone!)

I'm back to looking at Jaymie's Facebook page.  Dwelling on how I could make her life suck, too.  It's been almost 6 months since I felt so angry and confused.  I was hoping by putting my gut feelings on the blog, my attitude would take a turn for the better.  Taking up a little bit of cyber space to ease my mind.

Whoa.  I gotta get a grip.  I will NOT let my emotions get in the way of my better judgement.  This too shall pass.  If putting my temporary troubles down for the world to read doesn't help,  I could add Jaymie's last name to the blog again.   Let the world know what that pathetic pee-brain did to me and thus, test out  how iron clad that restraining order is. ------Probably not.
Oh, well,  there's always vodka.  Just kidding....sort of.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there. The one step forward, two steps back (well, sometimes 2 dozen!) process is grueling, I know. You're helping so many others with your blog. I hope that adds a little brightness to your day. And remember -- this ISN'T about the other woman. All the OWs just happened to be in the 'right' place at the 'right' time. :-( I try to tell myself this when I look up the mole my husband f-ed for 6 months. It's not about them. They aren't worth the real estate they occupy in our beautiful minds.

shawn, the wife said...

Anonymous: Thanks. I needed a pep talk and a solid reminder that we can't let the OWs take anything else from us! That includes Brain Real Estate! (Love that!)
I don't know if I help anyone with this blog, but I know it helps me. Having others to share with here in cyber space is very comforting. It's my safe place. You're all welcome to join me.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I hate the triggers and rage phases. Last week, I was re-reading the text conversation that I had with skelewhore, and I had this visceral reaction to it. And I felt pure rage. Most of the time, skelewhore is nothing to me. Inconsequential. She will always be NOTHING. But last week? I wanted to run her over with a karma bus and never ever look back. It took me by surprise.

But, I let myself feel what I needed to feel. I didn't do what I wanted to do in that moment which was contact her and reem her out. Because we are NC, and I won't break that. No New Hurts!!!!

Instead, I am trying to focus on the positives and what my husband IS doing to help me this week. And he's done a lot. So...I'm allowing myself to feel my anger, but I'm also focusing on what makes me feel better too.

Skelewhore??? Isn't worthy of my feelings.

shawn, the wife said...

Happyeverafter: I like the way you think. Allow yourself to feel the pain, feel the anger and then focus on the good. She was never the problem. So...
Just because I FEEL like I want to let everyone at SDSU know Jaymie is a skanky piece of white trash, doesn't mean I will. Instead I'll focus on the fact that Richard has morphed into an almost too perfect husband. (The TOO perfect part is a post for another day!)

AND...skelewhore??? LOL! OMG! That soooo could be Jaymie!! Hilarious!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

KatesWorld40 said...

Ladies, first I'd like to say kuddos to us who are healing and focusing on rebuilding ourselves and our relationships. It is a road akin to sacred burial tombs with traps. One step, and BAM! you've just hit a wall of emotion and your world starts to crumble again.

My 2 cents of advice is to allow yourself to feel what you feel and then leave it be. Acknowledge the pain and then toss it into the wind. Don't take it up with hubby unless he purposely said or did something new to bring on these feelings.

The OW has already taken so much from us while we weren't looking. Don't let them steal anything else from us, especially when the trigger is the ghost of the OW. Don't let them steal your time, your thoughts, your emotions or the progress you and hubby may have already made in rebuilding your marriage. IT IS NOT HER'S TO TAKE!

I know how difficult it is. Believe me, in my situation, the OW isn't a ghost. She was my sister...

Skelewhore! LMAO!

De said...

Shawn, your blog is like crack to me and I check my computer daily and this particular post was really timely. I'm 9 mos. behind you in discovery/recovery and my husband is also doing everything he can. Right now he's in the process of answering a letter for me of questions that I've had lingering. None of the gross stuff (covered the mechanics, eww, in the early hours of discovery when blind rage helped me through those revelations), but more just a timeline of events to help me put last year in some order in my head. The lies and the stranger he became last year just leave such a black hole. I really feel a need to put those months in order. Anyway, I thought (and he agreed) it might be easier for us to communicate about these particular issues in writing. Then I'll have it to refer back to when I am tempted to re-ask the same questions and he can, hopefully, feel more at ease in answering honestly if he's not facing my devastated expressions(there is, afterall, only so much emotion one can control). Anyway, that's not what I intended to write to you here.

I get it with the feeling like you've made so much progress and then WHAM! you are triggered into feeling the initial pain again. I get it that we shouldn't allow the BW steal anymore time in our minds/lives, but our minds and feelings just betray us and the thoughts are just THERE. I was telling my mom today that it's like white noise playing in your head. You can tune it out, although you are aware of it all of the time. Then, some days it's ALL you can hear and it stays loud and obnoxious until... well,just until it isn't anymore. I (as I'm sure the rest of you do)pray that it will eventually just stop.

You ladies on this blog are amazing strong women and I feel so blessed to have found you all here. When one of us is being overtaken by the "white noise" the others seem to have overcome it and can offer solice. In that way we are so lucky.

Oh yeah, and "Skelewhore" has now become a part of my vocabulary! LOVE IT!

De said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to ask. She hasn't blocked you from viewing her FB page? The BW/Skelewhore blocked me, so I can only see her profile picture and a few albums that she, I would imagine, didn't realize are still set for public view. I've seen those pictures hundreds of times now. I still am compelled to check in every other day just to see if she's slipped up and accidentally set her Wall back to public view. It still hasn't been a year (July 9th will be), so I still feel compelled to check in on her. Crazy, crazy stuff.

shawn, the wife said...

((Kate)) I can not imagine being related to the OW!! Or, as I like to call them BW. (bitch whore) Your comment sounds like you have been able to wrap your head around the betrayal and have a good grip on reconciliation. You deserve the kudos! Wow.
And..I love your metaphore...burial tombs with traps! I'm gonna picture myself as Lara Croft...Tomb Raider! She is bad-ass and hot. I can work with an image like that!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the BW. I need all the reminders I can get.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

DE!! White noise is exactly what it's like! For the first year it was more like a bass drum pounding away inside my head, but now it's white noise. I gotta share that with Richard.
My problem is I am not quite skilled or strong willed enough to prevent the white noise from creeping back to bass drum levels from time to time. Sometimes it just fades in and out and I can almost ignore the buzz. But, show me a trigger and all bets are off. Richard can sense it instantly. He's become VERY attuned to my moods. Not only do I pull away from him, I also go back to my favorite post DDay pass time, How can I make Jaymie's Life a living hell?
Checking her FB page, so useless. I have a separate account that she didn't block, but she has everything on private status anyway. I look at her cover pic, profile pic, check her dad's page, her boyfriend's page. Whatever. It's just emotional cutting.
We've been through so much. You'd think we'd give ourselves a break, right?? Geez.
It's a wicked cycle of masochistic mind games!
Eventually...we'll get there. We'll HELP each other get there!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

De said...

Shawn: Yep, it plays in the background until the trigger and then BLAM! Those F'ing triggers are sneaky too, aren't they? You know - I became a mother for the first time 24 years ago and realized what a neurotic mess motherhood could turn a girl into - until I became a woman who has been cheated on with some little yoga, BW, Skelewhore. I onl THOUGHT I knew crazy until I was cheated on. Yes, I fantasize about making the B's life miserable too. I wrote to you before about wishing I had done what you did and offered him up to her (them up to each other) free and clear, just to be sure that when he ultimately rejected her, she would know who the free and clear "winner" was. I didn't have the balls for that. That is one of the questions in the letter he is in the process of answering (AFAIK) right now. I don't want to have "won" by default. She moved back to where she came from (thank God)ater she was fired from her job where they worked together and is having trouble finding work where she currently lives. I just NEED to know that he didn't come back to "old reliable" who just happened to be 30 lbs lighter (great weight loss program, infidelity) and happens to be the mother of the minor child and sure winner of the real estate (such as it is), ya know? His actions are telling me that he truly loves me and regrets with all of his heart what he did, but I hope and pray he answers that particular question really, really well - as in I hope every sylable is perfect! LOL! Poor guy. As far as wanting to make Jaymie miserable again? I get that girlfriend! I have regular fantasies about e-mailing my BW's parents and prospective employers and anyone else who may listen to me without having me locked up, to inform them of waht a skank she is. I also fantasize about running her over with a back-hoe (used that piece of equipment because of the name), although, (disclaimer here) I would NEVER do such a thing. Seriously! I Wouldn't. It's only a fun fantasy. I have a few involving parking curbs and hands tangled in the hair on the back of her head too. Just sayin'. Would never do such a thing, but fun to think about. Am I the only one here? Anyway, Shawn, don't beat yourself up too much for wanting to make her life miserable. I guess it's still normal at this stage of the game. I'm following on your heels, so in a few months, when I have lived in a few good weeks/months and then all of a sudden feel crazy again, I'll be relying on you and the others here to pull me off of the ledge. Or, when I get his answer to my letter...
Love and prayers to all of you!

Anonymous said...

De - You're not the only one! I recently found out that the mole my husband f-ed for 6 months just adopted a baby with her husband (he knows about the infidelity). I think very, very regularly about sending a onesie with the words "My mother's a slut" (or something like that) embroidered on the front. I obviously wouldn't want an innocent baby hurt in this but think the onesie would injure the mole. (This baby stuff is relevant because she was doing IVF at the time of the affair, and in my mind probably hoping to get pregnant by my husband. At the time of the affair I was pregnant with twins (via IVF) so I truly believe there was some big time bunny boiling action at play.)

Anonymous said...

(Haven't told you about the day I cleared the place out raging and ranting about Richard fucking Jaymie. Scared the crap outta everyone!)


It's ok. I hope you feel more comfortable now. I used to work for a couple that was way worse. The wife had an office near her husband. We all really didn't care. I think you are just embarrassed or maybe they are afraid of losing their jobs - though that doesn't make sense, maybe they still feel it. They really don't care about you. So I hope you feel better about dropping by, every day...

Take care. I'm catching up and it's a good read. I do wonder, if you felt he did not love her at all, as in not at all, would you be in this amount of pain or is it the love part that sends you off. To me, it doesn't matter, but my H was never "in love". He just used women - just... I almost feel if he were in love, would it be more forgivable? I don't know....

Anonymous said...

I have only just discovered your blog. I am not really sure what day was actually D day for me...probably Feb 8 this year although I was very suspicious for a few months before this. We were living apart for six months while I took up a new job and I actually knew in my gut something like this would happen. Like you, Shawn my husband cheated on me with a girl young enough to be his grand daughter and the worst part was she was our neighbour and had been part of our lives for years! It disgusts me what he did to her for I believe she was needy and vulnerable. He told me he wanted to see if he could get a young "woman" to fall in love with him...WTF! I went through hell, especially when the cheating continued for months after d-day despite him promising me it had stopped and making me feel bad for not believing him. I am actually still not sure if I believe it has stopped although all evidence has vanished. I used to leave voice recorders all over the house and in his car and this is how I kept catching him although I confessed to this and he became very careful. I think one of the worst part for me was that he made her a playlist and now evertime I hear songs from this it reminds me. I still obsess every day and still think he pines for her. I have not been able to tell anyone as I am so ashamed. I worry constantly that our friends will find out or that her parents will find out. I feel like we could never move back now as she would be there...