Tenacity has always been a character trait of mine that I felt good about. When dealing with the aftermath of adultery, it was not a valued asset. I turned into One Note Johnny, a veracious dog with a bone. It felt as though if I didn't get answers to the hundreds of questions eating away my sanity, I may need a short ride in a tight white jacket to a padded room.
By now, we are well into November of 2010, around 6 weeks post DDay. Lots going on in real life, my son's 13th birthday party, my brother and sister in law were coming for a visit, Thanksgiving with my parents and grandpa and a very busy time at work. I'm in retail. I really needed to bring my A game at work for the holidays. In order to make real life flow as smoothly as possible, I became Sybil. I had at least 4 personalities taking up residence in my body. Each had marching orders and reported for duty as needed.
None of my alters behaved like pre-DDay me. That Shawn was absent without leave. My picture should have been added to the side of a milk carton. The most dominant alter we'll call Toughie Pants.
She made the most appearances in public. Toughie Pants planned an awesome party for the young prince, handling even the littlest details to guarantee his 13th Birthday would be a life long happy memory. She had dinner with Mom & Dad a few times a week, chatting about work, weather and social schedules with enough detail to seem genuine. At work, she kept the daily logs, did payroll and placed orders for the perfect amount of merchandise needed to keep the customers satisfied and the registers full. Toughie Pants had no time for feeling sorry for herself nor would she allow anger to distract her from her many missions. She was very focused. Thank God.
When I found myself with alone time, Debbie Downer, alter number two, floated to the top of my conscience self. She was a big fan of turning on the water works full force! Let the tears flow! Always needed a large box of Kleenex handy when Debbie was present and accounted for. Her train of thought usually ventured off the deep, dark edge of the nearest cliff. I hated Debbie.
The last two alters that I was aware of were Lovelorn Lucy & Royal Bitch. Lucy had only one purpose, to love Richard more than he had ever been loved before. She opened her heart to him without fear of being betrayed ever again. She left love notes for him and sent many sugary sweet texts just to brighten his busy day. Lucy spent many hours alone with Richard. They went on numerous, romantic date nights. Spent MUCH more time than most folks our age did making passionate love and shared many whispered words of never ending commitment.
The most comfortable fit for me was Royal Bitch. When she had the leading role in my life the anger found a release. She was like a dormant volcano that would erupt with out warning. In the next few months, she made sure she was not denied the spotlight. Seriously, she could be scary, especially to poor Richard. He feared her. He told me he hated her, but of course, that just meant he hated a large part of me.
One minute he may be blessed with the companionship of Lovelorn Lucy, only to speak a single wrong word and then find himself faced with the wrath of Royal Bitch! He was riding the coaster right along with me and we were riding in the dark with no way to know if around the next turn the tracks ran up hill or we'd be hurled into an even darker place at the bottom of the next dismal drop.
Always, just underneath the alter in the lead, was the constantly flowing river of questions. The obsessive thinking became harder and harder to contain. It was time to find a mental health professional with chemical tools at his disposal. Time to meet with Richard's shrink, Dr. N. He was already up to speed on our marital issues. Richard met with him numerous times during his Jaymie fascination.
I was betting Dr. N would get to meet all the girls! Wouldn't that be treat?