After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

We are at War

Shawn --You asked about the depth of my interactions with Rich. What did our relationship consist of? All I can do is point to the e-mails. They
describe more than I can sum up for you now. They are the emotions and
the details and the context. We had an undeniable connection. What
other reason can be given for risking your marriage, your house, and
life as you know it? Knowing that there was no possible way around
disaster, we participated. And in the end I couldn't deny or defend
it. It just was.   - -Jaymie

Jaymie says everything is in the emails.  Just read the emails.  Analyze the emails.  Put the damned things under a microscope and examine every sentence over and over and over.  Emotional cutting or in depth dissection and evaluation?  Whatever, this junkie needed a stronger fix.  The emails weren't sufficiently satisfying anymore.

That's when the war truly started.  I think it's fair to call post DDay struggles a war.  There are many battles, deep anger, great loss, intense pain and on the rare occasion a surrender.  In the war of the affair aftermath, there was also massive collateral damage, striking out at others rather than at Richard.  Oh...he got his share, but I found his Achilles heal.  I could hurt him more by dragging others through the muddy waters of our battleground.  MUCH more.

I fired my first two shots at Richard's best friend, Marc and his partner at the firm, Michelle.  I sent them this email:
Michelle & Marc:

I'm trying hard to close gaps, tie up loose ends.  I'm trying to cover all the broken pieces of me that still hurt.  There are parts that I have no control over, so that makes it even more important for me to be proactive at controlling the things I can.

I wish you were never involved in my husband's poor choices.  (nice way to put it, right?)  I don't know how long you both knew about Richard's affair with Jaymie.  That's one area Richard and I have not discussed.  When you found out he was being so reckless, did you really do all you could to bring him back to reality?  His shrink says he was totally crazy during the whole thing.  You're his best friends.  Could you not see that?  If he was temporarily insane, did you not want to save him from himself?  If he were going to jump off a bridge, I bet you would have been there to stop him.  Why didn't you do more to stop him from throwing away 30 years with me?  

It seems so simple really.  The conversation would go something like this...."Rich, you need to decide what you want.  Choose.  No more lying.  If you don't, I'm going to Shawn.  What you're doing is beyond wrong and she deserves better."  A few words that could have saved me from a world of heartache.  But, you never thought to step up for me.  You're loyal to Richard, I know that.  But, I always thought in some way you cared about me, too.  Now I know I was wrong.  You will always be friends with my husband, but never again with me.  I don't believe it is a huge loss for any of us, except maybe Richard.  I know this will hurt him because he loves all of us and truly wants to continue our friendships.  I think hurting him is another reason to sever ties with you.  I have so few weapons to fight back with.

Hopefully you will never find yourself in this kind of horrible situation again, but if you do....please remember that you have the power to make a difference.  Use it.  Try harder.  Be a true friend.  --Shawn

In this war, I hit the send button instead of firing a weapon.  The result was the same.  Three people were wounded.  These were the first of many casualties.  I had just begun to fight.


Eat My Scabs said...

The war is a hard place to be. finding some kind of peace seems absolutely impossible, doesn't it.

You story strikes me because you have all those emails. His betrayal is not only in his actions but those damn emails! Have you burned them yet?

shawn, the wife said...

Back then I couldn't see past the pain. Peace? I wasn't even close until a few weeks after I started this blog and found the Healing Heart Support forum.
The emails were always a double edged sword, deadly weapons to be sure. I thought I NEEDED them, but they almost ate me alive. I still have them. I don't read them except for use in the blog. They languish in lowest depths of my email files. I could print them and burn them, but it wouldn't matter. They have been burned into my brain like a brand on a steer's ass. You just get used to the scar.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Xena said...

Ja, I become obsessed with all the chat threads that I could find on my husbands laptop. I would sit there for hours reading it over and over again. I didn't have the same amount of self-control that you have Shawn, so eventually I decided to delete them all because it become my tool for emotional cutting...

But ja hey...sometimes I looked at it and wondered if this was truly the man my husband was or was the truth the man I lived with...I still don't know :-(

shawn, the wife said...

Xena: You give me WAY too much credit! My severe lack of self-control is why I didn't delete the emails! Those damn digital love letters owned me for months! Richard and my best friend begged me to delete them. We know how that went! Filed away for blog publication.
I started a great deal of the communication. Still have most of the emails from the whole first year, from Jaymie, to Jaymie, to Jaymie's dad, from Jaymie's dad, to & from Jaymie's's ridiculous!
Emotional cutting to be sure!
Sometimes I wonder if this blog is the medicine that keeps me from emotional cutting. Instead of dwelling, agonizing and torturing myself with the emails, I visit the computer to blog. I still think about the affair, but in a much more rational way.
Rational? LOL! First time I've thought about this in anyway as RATIONAL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

CindyMcNeal said...
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